Goin' Through It

I recently read a post or saw a video or something that reminded me that "The only way out is through"... oh, it was a song that Jannelle sent. It was perfect. 

I am going through something or a lot of somethings for sure. And grateful for the experience. I'm going to do a bit of a brain dump real quickly...

Dreaming lots...very hot (temperature sleeping).... dreamt of Corie's Mike and him being troubled but jovial, getting him cocktails and Pa teaching me how to make them properly and me making deliveries to famous people and cake and conversation and family and I don't know.

Lots going on right now. Grateful that I finished Grammie's little song/photo video for her 75th birthday which is coming up. Now I need to make a book. And I really wanted to do a painting.

But Ryan's shoulder surgery for 2 full thickness 2cm (which is huge, apparently) tears in his rotator cuff (among other bad things, bursitis, arthritis, bone spurs, etc.) is on Tuesday. Today is Saturday. His Mom comes in tomorrow morning at 8:30am. I want to be here to help him but have to toe the line to honor his Mom's feelings too. She's a super trooper to come down - she's taking a Greyhound. And Ryan loves his Mom so much so this is good. I'm not Ryan's Mom and I want to stop acting like it. 

This week I don't think Ryan's a great partner for me and I need to stop pushing for it. My pushing has certainly pushed him away and contributed to our unhealthy dynamic. My woo-woo, my control issues, my fear, and my desire/longing for "more" from him is not okay. I need to find satisfaction, peace, safety and contentment in mySELF. 

I need to observe and heal my people pleasing tendencies which are rooted in (a.) trying to secure a sense of safety and belonging and (b.) getting people to like me. I always thought it was strange that it had the opposite effect, the harder I tried to get people to like me, the less they do!

___ 

Ryan called

Duckies & Ryan

Well I guess I'll just do a dump here.... so many thoughts and feelings...and exhaustion!

So today Ryan and I completed our 3 week duck rescue mission.... we were able to finally snatch them up with the help of a boat to corral them. It was really hard work. We went maybe 4 - 5 hours yesterday. Neighbor Donnie saved the day by letting us borrow his boat. 

Today I drove them (4 hour drive) to the Possumwood Acres Wildlife Sanctuary in Hubert, NC. They cut the line out of their legs and will rehabilitate them and then they'll get to live their days in a flock with other muscovy ducks! 

 

On Ryan,
Saturday we texted some, mostly about the ducks. Sunday we saw each other (to rescue the ducks), and then to watch a Bills game with his Dad. He wanted me to snuggle with him and he was so loving and kind and warm and it felt so nice. He never got around to responding to my message so we never talked about it. Today we treated each other like nothing happened. But I needed to tell him that I intended to own my life and that included doing something he didn't like, and that's being friends with who I want to be friends with. I told him I contacted Paul, Ramsey, and Clifford. 

He didn't like that and maybe even before I mentioned that he started saying that he didn't think he was bipolar and that I was the one with issues.... saying that it's my lack of reality and truth that's a problem because I'm always trying to smooth things out and I agree that is an issue, but he was rapid firing a lot of blame at me... and frankly I don't like it. I don't do that to him and barely want to share my thoughts when he asks me my opinion about things he may be doing that are harmful (I'm not going to give in to the "wrong" ideology... I don't like that). 

Anyway, within a few minutes he had escalated, was insulting, swearing, and twisting things up, projecting his troubles on me. Again, I know I have issues, but the way he paints me is not true. I try to validate him where I can and I try to apologize but I have also been very vulnerable with him and he uses those things I said against me as weapons. (I said that as part of my trauma response, I try to find a way to see/tell the story where everyone is right....everyone is okay... and I said I'm a peacemaker and it's part of my codependency. But even again tonight he uses that against me as though I'm a liar and twister myself. And I guess I am. I think it's for the light and good of all, but I am not really seeing reality, is that right?

God, help me. 
I don't want to be like this. I want to be pure and aligned with Truth. 

Do I have to cut Ryan off altogether? I don't like that. I really do love him and when he's kind and soft, he's the best friend and person in the world. When he's closed hearted and triggered, he's not pleasant to be around. He needs help to regulate his emotions. 

I just wrote him this:

I really do love you, Ryan. I believe in you and want you to thrive!

When you are kind and soft, you're the best friend and person in the world. When you're closed-hearted and triggered, you're not pleasant to be around at all. You do all the things you blame me for (and worse. Remember the three fingers pointing back at you?)...you project and insult and blame in order to not have to look at what your role is. 

There is help available to regulate your emotions. They could help you gain clarity about what's happening and why.

Sending love and prayers your way, O'Ryan. 💕🙏

___

His response on 9/9/9 (2+0+2+5=9).... the day of release and intention at 22:33

"Ryan O’Malley, [9/9/25 10:33 PM]

It must dawn on you that i can say the same about you, right?  When you're light hearted and open you're tops. Noone better.  When you're defensive, spinny, argumentative and cold/ closed hearted you are the worst. A complete nightmare. You must realize that, as well? 

And, yeah, i know I'm pretty great. Pretty special. Big, kind compassionate, empathic heart.(Mostly for animals.) I rescue and try to help every animal in need.  I have a connection and reverence for all of 'god's' creatures. Pretty funny and generous. I speak cat and dog fluently, better that English. Animals gravitate towards me, which is pretty high praise and speaks volumes to my character and soul.  Oh yeah, and i can fix and build anything. Pretty handy and useful. A little bit smart? More so just a lust for knowledge and deeper understanding of all things.  Good luck following up this act.👍

K. So let's try this... see if this breaks thru that defensive armor? 

"I showed very little interest in what my boyfriend was saying, paying more attention to his shoes and being annoyed he was walking too slow for me..... then he got mad?  He must be bipolar."

"I invalidated his feelings, because they weren't real, he's just crazy, i didn't do anything wrong. He just gets "triggered" for no reason what so ever. How could i possibly know what's going to trigger him?  So I defended my "perspective", "experience" and intentions and argued my stance with him rather than try and understand, be soft, acknowledge his obvious hurt, apologize and move on.  Why would i apologize? I did nothing wrong. His feelings are his problem. And he stayed mad and won't just get over it?  Hmm? Obviously he's bi-polar."

"I just told 'the man i love' i contacted every person i could who i knew would really piss him off. Then he got mad at me??  Clearly, he's bipolar."

"I'm trying to place all the blame of the relationship issues on him(pointing the proverbial finger at him. One finger blah blah... three fingers yada. Sound familiar?) , telling him HE needs professional help, possibly medication? If he'd work on his bipolar(?) that would work for me. I don't care what issues he thinks i have that contribute to our relationship issues. I don't see them so i must not have any. I mean, I'm even going to therapy, myself, to talk about how to fix him. What more can i do?"

Side note: Not the way that works.  Any of it.  You don't work on a relationship by placing blame solely on the other person.  It takes two, together. Period. 

"I continue to do all that blaming stuff,  told him last night i called all these other men i know pissed him off and that i didn't care if he liked it or not and he's STILL mad at me?!!?  How can that be?  I even called and sounded all chipper and he was still mad?  Oh, that poor man. He must not be able to regulate his mood?  Definitely bipolar. No other answer? What else could it possible be? "

And it's not about me telling you who not to talk to.  It's about me telling you who makes me uncomfortable when you talk to them and expecting you to care. Putting me and my feeling before your "friends", and yes, even yours. I think that's a real sign of a healthy relationship.  Two people putting the other before themselves. 

You sound very adamant that you see it so clearly and it's so obvious that, clearly, I'm bipolar. I hope those anecdotes above might make you think a little deeper about that. 

I, also, feel pretty adamant that i can see your MAJOR flaw and it's SO obvious it's asounding you can't see it and can deny it.  All the examples, logic, rational i present. But maybe that means I'm doing it, too?  Denying, can't see it? I don't think so, not to the level your talking about.  All you gave me was bipolar. I KNOW you're jaded and skewed and i am not in the least bipolar.  As I've laid out for you above,  there is usually a reason i get mad. Hope that sinks in for you. Might be other things about me being mad that is... different? Could discuss that, but not bipolar.

Ryan O’Malley, [9/9/25 10:33 PM]

For me, i feel like we've been peeling layers away for a long time and we might be getting down to the core.  Which is going to be the toughest nut to crack, i assume. Personally, I've learned and grown and changed and adapted. To you. For you. Because of you. Look past most things that i don't agree with.  Gotten a little less reactive to some less important things. Accepted your different ways and thinking. Look at, most, of your quirks 

as adorable and uniquely you. See the good and you're beautiful heart. But, much like you feel about my perceived anger issues, this last layer of yours is something that i won't live with.  It's your "crazy train" that i have to depart if WE can't work through it.(This last paragraph is supposed to be more positive than not?  Not sure how it's going to read, and it's getting late so i can't keep on re reading and editing it.)

I'm sorry i couldn't put on the chipper voice and be nicer to you tonight. But, in case you forgot or can't connect these dots...you told me last night that you called Paul, Ramsey AND ol Cliffy boy. You also told me you KNEW that was going to piss me off and, essentially, you don't care. You then shoved more "oh, you poor man", bipolar, your the problem rhetoric in my inbox.  THAT'S why I'm mad at you.  NOT for "no reason".  NOT because i can't "regulate" my moods.  I'm hurt, disrespected, disgusted, frustrated, annoyed, betrayed. Mad is the appropriate feeling to feel.  I'm sorry you don't/can't understand that?

My response:

Carissa Wages, [9/9/25 10:45 PM]

Thank you for sharing and communicating with me. I believe you said you were going to respond to my message from the other day and have not yet. Is this the response? You asked the other day if:

"Are you curious and open to hearing what i think and feel are issues and detrimental to the growth of our relationship?  Would you be open and willing to consider them and potentially try and address them so we can grow closer, stronger and understand each other better?"

And I said I was... I wrote your whole sentence out ... and I would love it if you would share. 

You say you see the root of the issue but you have yet to communicate it. I am interested if/when you would like to share. 

But thank you for the time and energy you put in to this. I know it was a lot and I feel your hurt feelings and everything that goes with it. I'm sorry that we are going through this and appreciate that you haven't given up. Today was the day of release and I consciously chose not to release you... I couldn't. I'm not ready. But we have lots to work through. And frankly, if you're anything like me, I think we need to rest for a bit. Catch our breath, gain some perspective, take time to let your words sink in and really feel into them from your perspective as well as from mine. 

I'm glad you see what a wonderful person you are, Ryan. This is very good. I hope you feel better after getting your thoughts out and hope that if you have any more that are bottled up that you'll feel free to share them. 

I hope you rest well.

Grateful - physics fun

I'm feeling grateful and wondering if God sent Jordan's book and friendship as a substitute, or another option for consciousness expansion? I turned off Energetic Synthesis for a while and maybe this is another way to continue in my pursuit of understanding and maybe part of the human condition? I'm curious and skeptical about time being a scalar field and don't even understand what that means exactly (yet). But time as a wave... and somehow related to gravity? 

In another paper that Jordan is having peer reviewed, he said: "...that time itself functions as a dynamic physical field, capable of interacting with matter and consciousness to produce measurable scalar effects." Which I find to be interesting.

I'm waiting on Ryan to see if we can capture the duckies. We were supposed to go at 9am but he woke late and was sick. 

I don't want to date Ryan. I would like to be friends. But hearing about Le'Anna's experiences and the wonderful people she's met and from all the wonderful people I know and have met and have yet to meet, I don't want to limit that because of Ryan's ego. And I really need to learn to live my life for ME. Do what makes me feel good and right. And I can't do that with him. 

Also, the verbal and emotional abuse... and lack of shared vision in the intimacy department...  and bipolar situation and addiction situation... lack of wanting to address problem areas that may stem from past trauma... we're just not on the same page. I'm still "woo woo" and he's still "mainstream" and he believes that never the two should mix. I guess. Maybe I'm being poetic.

Anyway, enjoying Jordan's book - Zebra Poker: The Ultimate Unification of Physics

__

Also walked the boys today, talked my parents as they drive to Dallas (to help with the Brya Zan opening), talked to Rosemary (who lost Ed one week ago today), worked on Brya Zan stuff, and read some of the book Mr. Burch is letting me borrow ("After Here: The Celestial Plane and what happens after we die), and gave the boys a raw femur bone to chew on.

Notes between Ryan & I

Ryan O’Malley, [9/5/25 8:10 PM]

Pretty messed up you decide to leave me when i needed someone the most with my up coming surgery. Not only leave me but straight out abandon me? It's one thing if you don't love me anymore but to just stop caring about me.  Just like that?  Pretty low.  Pretty telling. 

What did i do or say that was so egregious that you don't even want to be friends?  If Jimmy said what i did(besides pointing out the fact that

by labeling me the "bad guy" or testy/triggerable/"crazy" that makes you the "victim") you'd be forwarding it to everyone you know, praising it and saying "so true, so true."  Either way, pretty classy way of handling it.

Carissa Wages, [9/5/25 8:22 PM]

I love you. I wanted a life with you. I was in it with you. I still want to be there for you for your surgery. I’m trying to figure out how to navigate all this. I just don’t want to fight or do each other harm anymore. I started therapy. I’m trying to do what’s right and best. At this point I am giving you space. But I miss you so much and I love you so much.  But I love myself and need to love myself more. The contention is making me sick.

Carissa Wages, [9/5/25 8:51 PM]

I would love to help you get connected with some mental health support. There may be help to regulate your moods (and CNS as a whole). That topic took up a lot of space in my therapy session… she felt strongly that if I could help you get help, then maybe we could work it out. She could hear how much I love you and she said “what if you went back to him and just let things be as they are and don’t look for any more?” It helped me see that wasn’t what I want. I have tried to wait and be patient and forgiving…and I have. But there is more at play here and a big player is your mental health. 

She suggested that I try again to get you to go to meet with someone (at the local mental health), and if you don’t want to do that and I don’t want things to continue as they are, then I have to take steps to move forward. She thinks I SHOULD date but don’t go on more than two dates if I’m not feeling it. She seemed to encourage me to find someone to sleep with and spend time with and said that is a healthy way to move on. She said that I should take my boys and go on vacations and find replacements for you as my handyman and animal companion. It breaks my heart and I don’t like anyone else, but I am going to try. If you are willing to put in the work and get some mental health help, then I will hold on for you. If not, I have to break this toxic cycle (for you and for me). 

No matter what we are - friends, neighbors, or lovers - I want to be there for you for your surgery. I took three or four days off to be with you every step of the way. I am not abandoning you. I care deeply for you. I just don’t want to hurt anymore and I don’t want to hurt you anymore.

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=wgqUhK32n1c&si=jeMNDYQxZcBq4JfS

 

Ryan O’Malley, [9/6/25 11:44 AM]

Good morning.  Thank you for your message. I'm glad i slept on it and gave it a chance to digest.  Sorry to keep you waiting for a response, tho.   So many questions...

To start off, of course I'd see someone if you think my mental health is an issue for us.  Would you also be willing to address any issues that i feel are detrimental to us?   So we could grow stronger and more secure and stable and have better understanding of each other. 

Was the person you saw a licensed professional with an office you went to? 

What does "what if you went back to him and just let things be as they are and don’t look for any more?” mean to you? 

She thinks you SHOULD jump out of one relationship and attempt to get into another one right away? No time in between to mourn, grieve, process, reflect and grow? 

She "seemed" to encourage you to find somebody to sleep with? And that's "healthy"?  I'm sure I'm misinterpreting that. I'm guessing you mean find someone and grow a connection with to, eventually, sleep next to each other. Not "seem" to suggest find somebody to boink🤣?(or make love with)

She thinks you should find another handyman and animal companion(caretaker)?  That we shouldn't be friends? Weird.(sarcasm, I'm sorry.)

Could you explain in greater detail what you feel my mental health issues are? That i get mad(hurt) for no reason or its unwarranted?  That I'm too sensitive?  That i don't quickly get back to "unity"?  That i go so far away and am adversarial when i feel "mad"(hurt, disrespected,attacked, talked down to...etc) I feel like the more detailed info i have the better i can address those issues with more clarity and focus and understand you better. 

Are you curious and open to hearing what i think and feel are issues and detrimental to the growth of our relationship?  Would you be open and willing to consider them and potentially try and address them so we can grow closer, stronger and understand each other better?(NOT an attack or accusation. Just an open, honest, vulnerable, raw question.)

Are you still "holding on to" me or have you already started the dating process? I.e. been on any dates or talking to any potential suitors/replacements?(phone, internet, in person or otherwise?)

I wish we could talk about this in person or over the phone, but maybe telegram is best? I'm trying to respecting your space and time. What ever you think is best.

I miss you.😞

(I've been composing this for HOURS!!😂  Have re-read and edited it ad nauseum!🤣  You know how i do.  Might be another "mental health" issue.😅😂🤣  Might have gotten a little less coherent with all the revisions. Sorry for that but i just got to send it.)

Ryan O’Malley, [9/6/25 12:10 PM]

Did you just delete a message?

Carissa Wages, [9/6/25 12:10 PM]

Yes, I hit send by accident, I'm still writing

Carissa Wages, [9/6/25 1:06 PM]

Well shoot, this has taken me a long time to write too. Book incoming!

Carissa Wages, [9/6/25 1:15 PM]

Thank you for your note. I'm glad God sent me to get a hug from my new hug buddy (the tree in Sioux's pasture).... as well as a sit on my rock to center and ground...before I saw this. 

Yes it is a licensed therapist. It was a virtual session that took place through video chat. I opted for that vs. the limited therapist choices nearby. I was able to get seen in 3 days vs. 3 weeks. This lady is in the Greensboro area.

I think her question about "what if I went back" was meant to make me think about and solidify my feelings about it... it means the same rollercoaster to me and I'm not doing that anymore.

She definitely thinks I need to do all that... I am doing that... (mourn, grieve, process, reflect, and grow)... but surrounding myself with friends (new and old), building community and a life for myself is imperative to moving forward. If I just sit in my tears and fears and wait for you to come around, I'm not going anywhere, am I? I'm wallowing.

I'm not a victim. I own my life. I chose this experience and journey with you and I have, am, and will continue to grow as a result of it. One of the most profound things she said to me is that it's my life and I get to do what I want with it. It doesn't sound so profound now, but I realized how much I do to try to make other people happy... how I have created a life around people I care for's expectations... what a good girl should do... what I need to do to retain my parents' approval and then my partner's approval.... it's misplaced... I have to do what is right for me. And I have to learn to listen to myself to find out what I really want. Sounds elementary, and it IS foundational, but I've missed the mark most, if not all, of my life.

Yes, I started (and stopped) dating yesterday. I talked about the dopamine hits that come from it with my therapist... thinking that can't be good... and it's all fantasy...thinking about what my life could be if I shared it with this person, or this person, or that person... 

I met someone really nice (as well as another who was semi-nice) and we had a good connection and there's potential there. Again, this is in one day of conversation through a dating app, but by the end of the day, as wonderful as he was, I knew I wasn't ready to date. I have to get over you first. It's not fair to someone else to use them to get over you. 

There are, indeed, plenty of fish in the sea. And although you don't see it, I am a catch and someone will snap me up. But I need to have something to give them (of my heart).... and right now my heart is invested in you. 

And no, I can't have one night stands. I'm not interested in sleeping with someone. I think the therapist is just of a different mind. I think a lot of people date to sleep with people and that's the norm, but I told her that's not how I roll. But yes, she might have been suggesting a boink. I didn't choose a Christian counselor or else she wouldn't have given me that advice.

As far as finding another caretaker, yes, she said that's not a good reason to stay in an unhealthy relationship. I told her how much it means to me to be able to call you when Sioux breaks her fence and I didn't know what I'd do for that... and my late nights at work and worrying about my animals. I will make it work. I had to do it this week and made it happen... but I don't like not having you to call.

I can explain in greater detail what I think your mental health issues are, but I will summarize them by saying that you appear to have bipolar tendencies. I have had similar issues in the past and with the mental support of a therapist, physical support (ie. medicines, supplements, lifestyle, somatic therapies, etc.), and spiritual support (looking for help with my burdens from my Higher Power), I was able to move the needle for myself and come back to sanity. 

I know I'm not "normal" and frankly I think "normal" is a program/mask that people try to fit into to get their needs met - people to accept them, etc.... but I am a beautiful soul experiencing the wild world of Earth and I am grateful to be here. I've gotten sick because I've abandoned myself again, given myself away....trading myself for a consciousness trap (that if only Ryan loved me and we lived in unity and harmony, THEN I'd be happy.) It's a lie. I must be happy first, and that comes from being true to myself and providing the nurturing, nourishment, and care that I need to me, for me, by me. 

I was hoping we could do our personal work side-by-side to support one another and to know we aren't alone. That's the only way to be. I can't do the work for you and you can't do the work for me. But we have intertwined ourselves and it's not my place to try to heal, help, or change you. I can be there for you to answer the call if you would like help with something, but I am not your rescuer and I got caught in that consciousness trap as well. 

I am curious and open to hearing what you think and feel our issues are and that which is detrimental to the growth of our relationship. I would be open and willing to consider them and potentially try to address them so we can grow closer, stronger, and understand each other better. 

This morning I got myself and my boys into a (perceived?) pickle and feared for my Mosey's life and wanted so badly to call you to help, but I couldn't and it felt so bad. 

On the drive home I was thinking about how sick and sad it is that you can't forgive me for interrupting you when we were driving by the dump. That experience alone is like a frozen piece of trauma that is stuck in your craw and creating forced perspective (like a drawing) and it's just so interesting and horrible. If we could work that out (and I know there are many others), then maybe there's hope. But you hold on to that like a treasure that makes you feel a certain way .... it's so good to feel like you hold something over someone else, and the justification and lack of forgiveness feels like power, but it's actually a trap for you. Forgiveness is the only way. 

If you stepped back and saw what I saw
You were telling me a story. You weren't used to being vulnerable with anyone and you were telling me something meaningful to you. You felt like I didn't value what you were saying (when it was indeed, very very valuable)... and I DID care, but obviously not enough because my attention was split - thinking about where we were going and I interrupted you to control you to turn in to the dump. This set off something in you (anger, hurt) that triggered me to be on defense so I immediately minimized and invalidated your feelings. Even though my words were trying to soothe the situation ("I'm sorry, please continue".... although I probably didn't say "I'm sorry" right away or the way it needed to be said from the heart. I was focused on trying to get back to safety (this is from my trauma response/wounding) and had probably dissociated some, but I was definitely trying to get you to continue your story and you were withholding it (and your love) because you were hurt (and angry), invalidated, and your trauma response/wounding is to shut down/close your heart.

We have talked about this ad nauseum over the years and my minimization .... as I'm doing now.... My energy and words that say something like "C'mon! It's not a big deal! It was a mistake! I'm sorry! Please forgive me!!" continues to nail in the feeling of you not feeling heard, understood, and being made out to be the bad guy. On some level you know you are holding on to this and it's not healthy for anyone, so on some level you think you ARE a bad guy. (I also think that's part of your unconscious mind and ego that believes you are unworthy of good things and manifests that into your experience.) But you also know you are right - that I didn't do the right thing. I SHOULD have been so enraptured in your story (enraptured seems dramatic and like I'm being sarcastic, but I'm not... I think that's the ideal).... I should have been so engaged in your story that I didn't want to interrupt you (or control you?)...and that's true. I wish I were. If I could go back, I would. Or I think I would. But I'm a human and there's a good chance I'll mess up over and over and over. 

So the question becomes whether you can deal with a human and forgive over and over and over? 

I messed up. I'm sorry. I lost that day too. I really DID care about what you were sharing and you punished me by not continuing the story. I have apologized all different ways and times and I'm truly sorry. It's been a really long time and now it's this story, this trauma, that is stuck in our relationship's craw. Only you can dislodge it. And you have to do that through forgiveness and acceptance. I'm very sorry I hurt you that day and every day and time I've hurt you. I'm sorry that I am not perfect and my attention is all over the place sometimes. This is the same issue that happened on our walk on Tuesday. And I'm sorry. I hate it. But if we can't move through it with kindness and respect and forgiveness and acceptance, then we can't move through it. 

I miss you too.

Not ready to date

I'm not ready. But I don't want to be alone. But it's not fair to guys that like me to not be ready. So be kind. I miss Ryan. But it's not healthy. He's not going the direction you want to go. Or is he, but in his own way? He still has so many ego and anger issues and he is a mirror for my own that still exist. I can love him but from a distance. And pray for him. And work on myself and read. And I can make new friends to spend time with. And I can feel all the feels. But we can't even begin to quantify the dysfunction. And the blame and shame and I'm not a victim. But it's not healthy.... and I have my first therapy session with Joyce in 15 minutes. Do I think she's going to help me? Yes. Someone to listen. And maybe care, but probably just listen. To what? 

I'm stuck in a toxic relationship cycle with a guy I think I love. He's got a beautiful heart but so many layers of trauma that he doesn't want to see or work with and he wants me to point it out and if I do say anything it is taken as criticism. He's got such a fragile ego. And I might too? I also think I've done a lot of work. As I'm listening to Hawkins' "Letting Go" again, I see how I have moved the needle. There's more to do, certainly, but the things that make Ryan mad - my not engaging in his insults and frankly not believing it, is part of the Letting Go work. 

AG picks:

MAYBE https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/DNA because it came right up like yesterday when I went to the AG, it brought up Virgo which was perfect. Then I hit the random link and got: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Neurons

Also "narcissism" seems to be "up" in the fields. 

___

Talked to my therapist, Joyce, and she said I have 3 choices -

To keep going with Ryan the way it is

To leave him
Or to encourage him to get help. She was verrrrrrrry adamant about that so much, so many times, about how medication could really help him. 

She was kind and encouraged me and said I get to do whatever I want.... I can go where I want and do what I want. I can take the dogs and go to the beach or the mountains. It's my life and I get to do what makes me happy. And it's not bad or wrong to date... she thought it might be helpful ... just not to keep dating someone if it didn't seem right after a date or two. It felt like she was encouraging me to meet people. And she said maybe it would even make Ryan jealous (did she say that word?) enough to want to get help. 

I expressed how terrible I felt about leaving him now with his surgery on the table. She asked what if I stayed and just let things be as they are? I realized I don't want that and that I can't take it anymore... I was getting really sick from all the abuse (I'm not a victim!), but it is toxic poison energy - that anger and pride and disdain and shame and blame is more than I want to have in my life right now. 

Thank you God. I just had a half a tear come up. I'm so grateful for that 45 minutes of getting to vent and feel heard and seen and cared for. She was very kind. I wish her microphone worked better. 

Exhale. Invest in me. Go see Caris. Take the boys on a walk. Go see family and friends. Be happy and well. I don't owe anything to Ryan. I love the heck out of him, but I can't do this sick dance anymore. I'm afflicted by it. 

Not a Victim

I am NOT a victim. I am sovereign and I chose this experience. It is/was dark arts training. I love my brother (soul brother, Ryan) and am so grateful for his participation in this exercise. 

I am addicted to Ryan and the drama triangle. I have played rescuer and victim mostly. Sometimes victimizer. Ryan plays victimizer and victim a lot. And rescuer when it comes to my home. 

https://veilofreality.com/2025/08/24/how-to-move-from-victimhood-to-empowerment-tcm-160-part-1/

I loved this podcast above. I love most of the Cosmic Matrix podcasts.
Rosemary's husband, Ed, passed away on Sunday August 31. I had a powerful experience with the Safe Passage meditation for him and wonder if I was supporting him simultaneously as he was leaving his body. Maybe.

I joined Kelly Hogan's carnivore coaching this month. I finally posted something in the group. I need to come back to being transparent and authentic and stop worrying what people think about me.

Yesterday I claim as the day that I took my life back from the prison I put it in in Ryan's honor. Without realizing it until later, I note that it is exactly 2 years and 6 months from the time we got together. 

I signed up for therapy (which starts tomorrow) and I contacted all the people I wasn't allowed to. I don't want to close people out of my life. I forgive and love everyone. We are all just doing our best. I love and forgive Ryan the most. He is so beautiful and I love his heart. Unfortunately he's got unresolved trauma (that he doesn't want to address) and he peddles harm as a means to feel better. The blame, shame, and anger cannot continue. The swearing and name-calling and insults and put-downs and twisting and blaming and unkindness have to stop.

He doesn't have a shared vision for a peaceful life in unity. 
I want someone who wants to explore (he does, but anxiety causes him to lash out and we always fight when we are traveling), nest (which he has the skillset to do but he resents me when he offers to help...he didn't the last time with Sioux's fence, but as a rule, that's how it is), and rest and love together... tromping and playing in nature with our loved ones.

Anyway, I am grateful for our shared love and experience. I'm just not willing to move forward. I want someone who wants to live together, who lovingly casts a vision and holds me as we create it together - a leader in his own right, not because of a damaged ego (which was the case with Paul & Ryan). Someone who can be compassionate about the things I'm trying to heal - fear and control especially.

One step in front of the other.

I have gone on and off dating platforms for a few minutes and then get off - it doesn't feel right, but I don't know if that's guilt of cheating on Ryan (which is what I feel), or just because I know I need to invest in myself right now and don't have extra bandwidth to invest in someone else. But it is fun... the dopamine hits. I haven't spoken to anyone yet and have my profiles on pause (I'm on Facebook Dating and Hinge).... but we'll see what happens. It really IS the "Devil's Walking Stick." I get that now. It's a crutch ... for the devil in me... to keep me limping along....

So we'll see. 

As I said in the post below in Kelly Hogan's Carnivore Coaching group:

I believe God is calling me to stop abandoning myself and to live with intention and to learn to love and nourish myself well.

AG Pick:

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Virgo

Feeling this is very me. I'll call myself a Galactic Virgo. This is where my Indigo comes from. 

Copying text from page:

Virgo 

During the move into Virgo Solar Alchemy, it is positive to review the Natural Laws and alchemical properties for this current stage in order to reflect upon the most potent and effective ways we can participate with and meditate upon the natural elements of the solar zodiacal influences to catalyze our highest spiritual potentials.

Stage 6 – VIRGO - September 16 to October 30

Alchemical Theme: Distillation, Purity

Element: Earth, Mutable

Geometric Form: Cube, 6 faces, 8 points, 12 edges, 2160 degrees

Planetary Correlations: Mercury, Jupiter

Alchemical Metals: Quicksilver, Tin

Stargate: Inner Gate of Thar Desert at the India and Pakistani Border, and its underground linkup into the Caucasus Mountains at the Russia and Georgia border (between the Black Sea and Caspian Sea).

Galactic and Universal Gates: Jupiter (GSG) and Sirius B, Procyon (USG).

Embodied Correlations: The Celestial Mind. The 6D Indigo wave of the third layer of the Soul Matrix that is connected to the Pituitary Gland and Indigo Hara Center.

Virgo rules: abdominal region, large and small intestines, lower lobe of liver, spleen, duodenum, thymus secretions, peristalsis of the bowels, pancreas.

Harmonization and Healing Themes
Cleansing tightening and repair of Axiatonal lines, establishing and refining planetary grid system relationships, process and repattern karmic geometries, amplify energy transmission for healing and nadial body electrical system recalibration, integrate polarity in the grace of your unity vow, synthesize spiritual energy into biology.

Clear the false program of the 5th ray, terminate any cording, links, or impact from Arc Angel Raphael and false Mother Mary. Clear the etheric and all layers of bodies of the false ascension matrix programs and ascended master programs cleanse and recalibrate your third eye and fifth ray connection.

Constellation
Lying between Leo to the west and Libra to the east, it is the second largest constellation in the sky. It can be easily found through its brightest star, Spica. Besides Spica, other bright stars in Virgo include Zavijava, Porrima, Auva and Vindemiatrix. Due to the effects of precession, the First Point of Libra, also known as the autumn equinox point lies within the boundaries of Virgo.

Alchemy
This is the continual process of purification of the internal energies which separate the unnecessary dross and is designed to remove the contaminants. The goal is to acquire a concentration of the wholly natural essential substance, which is how the pure energetic consciousness is distilled. This is the process of accessing and obtaining that pure essence (via the inner spirit), and distilling its spirit substance into our body and earth. This is a phase of refinement of our internal energies and spirit in relationship to our body.

Virgo Solar Alchemy
During Virgo Solar Alchemy, there is a continual process of purification of the internal energies which separate the unnecessary dross from the diamond within and are ultimately designed to remove the contaminants from our system. We are shaken to our inner core through a series of personalized events that are similar to lightning strikes that go deep in order to awaken the inner self, which acts as the catalyst to further purify ourselves from spiritual corruption and miasmatic toxins.

The goal is to acquire a concentration of the wholly natural essential substance of the core self and inner spirit, which is how the pure energetic consciousness is distilled within the human body. This is the process of accessing and obtaining that pure essence via the Inner Holy Spirit, and distilling its holy spirit substance into our human body and then into the Earth. This is a phase of refinement within our internal energies and holy spirit activation that occurs in relationship to reuniting our multidimensional consciousness with our physical body.

Virgo constellation represents Mother Mary and the sacred feminine’s alchemical laws of purity, which requires some form of personal purification. Please keep in awareness that humanity’s calendar, timekeeping mechanisms, historical records, and sacred sciences such as astrology had been hijacked based upon the invaders lunar force control and false female magnetism. For those on the embodied sophianic heart path as a personal divine mission, the purification process to detoxify inorganic or artificial shadow forms out of the Lightbody, will be extremely magnified during this time of Virgo.

On the consciousness evolution path, we enter the purification doorway of Virgo the virgin to isolate and separate the unnecessary dross and miasmatic debris of shadow selves and purge the assorted forms of anti-female forces. Those aberrant forces which were accumulated from the unhealed emotional pain of previous lifetimes surface to be witnessed in order to have the sacred space to remove these contaminants that may have corrupted our heart, soul and sexual organs. As we emotionally mature, we enter the portal of purification willingly in so to achieve spiritual wholeness, balance and health, as we know that our efforts in spiritual purification will lead us to a state of personal freedom, to ultimately achieve Cosmic Christos consciousness freedom and self-sovereignty.

The Spirit of Purity is one of the main Spirits of Christ that attract the moral powers of the Universe that are serving the natural laws of God in the form of expressed virtues, and these are emanations directly associated to the sacred divine feminine of the Triple Solar Marys, or the Solar Feminine Christ Sophia.

Law of Response, Golden Rule

God-Sovereign-Free (GSF)

Astrological Correspondence - Virgo – Mercury, Jupiter - Earth

Chakra and Sphere 6, Celestial Mind of Solar Body
This law means that when we genuinely seek guidance and help from the spiritual-energetic realms, and we pray or ask directly for that guidance and support, that we will always receive a response. It is our responsibility to learn how to listen to the whisper in the stillness of our heart for that direct response to our question, or allow ourselves to be in beginner’s mind to receive the answer to our request. We must ask directly and state our request for help as clearly as possible, with loving Vibrations. We must be careful to not let fear and anger overtake us, as we may be sent an Imposter Spirit or hostile entity. When we do not feel an immediate answer, it is because our spiritual connection is weak or it is related to timing and location, in which to properly receive the message. Keep asking, intending to connect with God Source. Spirit and the consciousness realm communicate in feelings, emotions and animations, it guides us through our sensory feelings. When we feel lost in the darkness and chaos of this world, blinded by the fear or confusion of the Negative Ego, we can always ask for help and get a response. When we feel isolated and alone, or need to discern a situation more clearly with more information, ask and stay open minded. The light within us will ignite a spark allowing the ego to dissolve in the light, so we begin to hear the inner message within the light. Christ said, “Knock, and it shall be opened unto you.”, essentially this is the Law of Response. 

Physiology Correlated to Galactic Zodiac
Virgo -abdominal region, large and small intestines, lower lobe of liver, spleen, duodenum, thymus secretions, peristalsis of the bowels, pancreas.

Triple Solar Goddess Alchemy
For those Starseeds working on the embodiment pieces for the Triple Solar Goddess sacred sophianic awakening on the Earth, as the authentic Cosmic Mother is anointing her Maji Grail Queen daughters, the month of October tends to deliver the maximum intensity with surreal physical ascension symptoms and abruptly jarring bifurcation events. Returning the true sophianic expression of the Triple Solar Female Christ in her Solar Dragon Queen emanation requires nerves of steel while her consciousness is going into the darkest hell realms and back, as the reclamations required for the embodiment process are inexpressible to those who do not know this experience and thus will not understand. The misogynistic spiritual confrontations we face from nonhumans in the interdimensional spaces during fieldwork and the relentless derision spewed from mind controlled and asleep humans on the ground, is highly emotional and painfully disturbing in its dark Satanic content. The purposeful defilement, perversion and vitriolic hatred generated by the imposters towards the utter destruction of the authentic sacred divine feminine, has no adequate words.