Balance

I've GOT to remember to BALANCE. I realized yesterday that I was feeling disconnected from God... I was feeling like I was doing what was right (in my life and relationships and work) but I still felt like something was missing.

You know what it was? GOD... intimacy with the Father. INTIMACY...not just "hanging out with" Him... but truly digging deep into my soul and scratching out what I find there then giving that to Him as an offering (the good, the bad, and the ugly- He wants it all!)...

Anyway... I was sitting on my bed last night thinking about how I had prayed about something (a new job) and that's when it hit me- I don't think I really prayed to God about it. I think I THOUGHT about it. I think I thought about it and its relation to God a LOT... but when I was honest with myself, I don't think I truly got down on my knees and held this thing up to Him as an offering- asking... begging... pleading... for HIM to take it and do with it what He wanted.

I DID do that last night and I feel a bit better. Yep...I said a "bit"... but maybe that's because I didn't really get on my knees (my actual knee caps). Hm. Maybe that would help. I used to pray on my knees- but that posture (which I was taught when I was young) was uncomfortable and made me think more about how much my knees hurt than my convo with God. I dunno. Anyway... that's not the point. The POINT is that I feel like I'm not doing enough earnest seeking out of God - I'm not praying enough.

Instead, I have started focusing on my relationships with the people God has given me as a gift in my life - I have these new AMAZING friends - people who love God the way I do - and I am learning so much from them and I feel fulfilled and joyful just by having them in my life --> H-O-W-E-V-E-R I have GOT to remember to put God first! The intimacy that I've had with God for the past couple months was a result of NOT having other people around - the fact that I didn't have distractions and in my time alone, that's when I naturally seeked (is that a word? I think that's the wrong tense- angh... I'll fix it later...maybe...... when I naturally suck out? NO! ...seeked out? ...GRRR!) naturally WENT TO God. I used to be in constant contact/conversation with Him but now I'm in constant conversation with other people. Godly people!... just PEOPLE. Yeah. So I've just got to find a balance. There are blessings for me and for others when I invite them to share my heart with me... I just need to focus on the provider of all those blessings first and foremost.

Ok. I'm off to take pictures of my friend's sister's wedding! I'm SOOOO EXCITED!!

BTW- yesterday I got to sledgehammer some walls down and play in a dumpster- it was a BLAST!! (We are preparing the new space for Journey Church to move into later this year... EVERYONE is invited to come help... I have NO recognizable construction skills- but I was able to help and had a GREAT time!!)  <3

(Here are some pics from the fun day!)

 

  

  

 

Public

Yipes! I went public!! If you are reading this blog for the first time because I invited you to... TURN AWAY!!! Just kidding! Actually, THANK YOU for stopping by! I really appreciate it. I'm not sure how long I'll keep this blogging thing up. I started early this year and it has been a fun outlet for me to "journal-out-loud". Remember, I am a work in progress- I have SO much to learn and experience... I hope to experience it with YOU too! Thank you for sharing my life with me! <3

Whoa.

Whoa.
Like seriously- WHOA.
I just have to write it down... I just realized that living in God's will...doing as He tells me to do is CHOCK-FULL of the blessing of His presence. THAT is the blessing!! KNOWING that God is with you... KNOWING that you are doing what is right and good and holy- THAT is what it means to be blessed. (At least that's what I think right now - today.) :)

I stepped out in faith and did the most difficult thing I've done in a long time (if ever). I put my faith and trust 100% in God and with my whole heart, I jumped. (And this wasn't a jump of joy- this wasn't a "jump" filled with self-oriented purpose-seeking desire. It was a jump of humility and a jump INTO GOD's will.) I can't and won't share the circumstances here. Not now. But I will just say that since I put my faith into action- since I breathed it out into the world, I have been given sign after sign after sign (peace after peace after peace) that I did the right thing. If I HADN'T done it- I would have been doing the wrong thing. God's miracles live through US. If we squelch them then we diminish the holiness of God. Maaaaan - I don't know what will come out of this in the long run - but I'm SURE it will be countless blessings. Just the ability for me to say that I did what was right - to show others - that through God, ANYONE can do what is right and that when we DO, that miracles abound and grace takes over.

Carissa, just remember, this was you being FAITHFUL. This is NOT something that YOU did. I must be careful and remember my propensity for pride to take over. This is not something I did... the only thing I did was submit...and that alone was enough to bless me (just in the act of surrendering to God I was blessed and rewarded as He poured out his grace and filled my world with God's LOVE - which is what my soul thirsts for- more of HIM).

Ok. I just had to share (because each message I get, conversation I have, and song that I hear is just filling me more and more and I didn't want to completely explode- thanks for listening and letting me get a little of this enthusiasm OUT!)! :)

<3

[God, you are SOOOOO GOOD! May I remember this always... may I be in constant search of your voice and then when I hear it- when you instruct me- may I respond with truth and integrity. Thank you for your teaching...for your pruning...for your whittling of my life. You are all I need. I love you so much. I love you so much. I love you so much!!! - Oh, but my heart breaks. I feel it now. There are so many out there that are hurting. There are so many out there that need you to come close to THEM...to comfort THEM. Please go and be with them. Help me to see them and please use me to help them... fill me Lord...fill me with your love so that it truly overflows from my life into the lives of those you have placed around me. Thank you dear God for my sensitivity- it is a gift, isn't it? I must use it for others and not for myself. Hm. Wow. Thank you Lord. Amen.]

The present

I must stop thinking about the past and the future. Instead, I must keep my focus on the present. For realZ. :)

It's not over yet

I KNOW IT! It's totally because I said out loud that "God couldn't possibly break me any more - I've gone through it all."  ...Psssshhhhhawwww!...  Since then God has been showing me (in many ways and places in my life) how wrong I was. That what I said/thought - even just for a second- a passing thought that slipped out (one that would usually have just been one of those thoughts that roll around in oblivion unless it's captured and destroyed) was an example of haughtiness/pride. Let me say it a little more eloquently - I was WRONG-O!

In the last 24 hours, I've found myself as broken as I can be... which is why I just pulled myself up from where I was sitting UNDER my desk at work- crying and snotting all over myself- to write this out (to you, Blog, instead of an email to some poor shmuck (aka-my friends who are usually/used to be the receipients of such streams-of-thought).

Yes. I have my Bible.
Yes. I'm praying.
Yes. God is comforting me.
No. I don't feel better.

I will soon. I SHOULD be grateful that God is showing me once again that He is the ruler of my life- He is the owner and painter and lover of my soul and ALL things are FOR and BY Him.

How dare I think that I have been broken enough??? I haven't even had a TASTE of what it is like for people with real sorrows and losses and lives of trial. I am SO BLESSED in EVERYTHING! I have an amazing God that loves and provides for me. I have a family - parents who raised me well and siblings who love me with all their hearts. I have friends - great friends that truly CARE about me. I have a home and a job and a car and all the fluffy comforts that make my plushy life into something to be coveted (or something that I MUST APPRECIATE.). I am so torn.

I'm torn because I'm disappointed in myself for falling into this feeling of self-pity - WHY ME? Why do I have these trials (stupid stupid trials that mean NOTHING)??? I'm crying under my desk because of some stupid work stuff... SO WHAT. None of it matters. All that matters is love. All that matters is relationships. All that matters is God. All that matters is that I live the life that God has asked me to live. One of faith. One of trusting. One where I am commanded (not asked politely- no- commanded. expected.) to LOVE others.... I am commanded to give of myself to others.  How the heck can I give of myself when I am so selfishly holding onto stupid things that do not matter!!!???  My role at work is to SERVE. So what if my work is meaningless or lost or unappreciated or deleted. (For the record- all my work for the last 4 days is gone- I am sitting at the bottom of a mountain of work- needing to climb it but with no footholds anymore. I've got to rebuild the mountain THEN start again to climb it. It looks impossible from where I am, but I know it is not. I just need to take a step. One step. I just need to put one foot in front of the other and trust God to place my foot where it needs to go....and then do it with the other foot...and then walk- by HIS leading and His strength- and then before I know it, I'll be running again. Right? Right.

Go.
No.
Go take a break- breathe. Read your Bible. Pray. THEN go. Work. Do as God has commanded - love. serve. help those that can't help themselves.  <-- Yes, that's my crazy talk- that's how I talk to myself when I journal sometimes. I decided to leave it in though. It helps me.

[Dear God, please help me to fall back and let you lead the way. I know you love me with everything and that I can trust you with anything. Please help me to LIVE that way. Amen.]

*Whoo. I actually feel better now. :)

Knowing the best stuff is always at the end

I'm so sorry I haven't written... not that I have anything to apologize for, because I'm not sure anyone reads this...OH, that's a lie... Heather reads this (you rock, my CT friend-in-love!) and Joe reads this when he can (he's busy with his FABO new jobby-job... I hope it's going well!) and Tasha reads this (between feeding the baby, working on her thesis and doing her fantastic and noble work with the Department of Social Services). Anyway... to EVERYONE who stops by my blog - THANK YOU! You make my rambling worthwhile - it's so nice to know that someone cares.

Oh...I think the above paragraph might be part of a small pity party that I'm having for myself because I've got a cold. I'm SUCH a baby- I really am. I secretly want people to dote on me. I secretly want someone to come and just love the snot right out of me. I feel like (and am secretly acting like) a sick boy, but I'm trying to act like a girl -- what does this mean???? ...I'm just saying... boys are usually such babies when they are sick (:P) and girls usually live and work right through it (:D). I'm TRYING to live and work through it, but I have an aire of "poor-me"...I have a touch of the selfishYies.  (that's not a word- but I'm sick so I can make up words and it's excusable. Brains don't work so well when they are drowning in snot. :)).

Anyway... I just realized that this blog is about nothing. I came over here to Blogger to check in to see if my friends had written in their blogs and before I knew it, I had started typing. I should probably delete this because it's really not a helpful or insightful or honest or uplifting or anything-positive blog.  I COULD make it into a continually complainY (yes...this is another made up word) blog - I am feeling pretty down because of being stressed from work on top of being sick.... but HOLD THE PHONE....

I am SO FREAKIN' blessed and LOVED!! I had my Premier Designs jewelry party last night and through my family/friends' outpouring of support, raised $404 towards my missions trip to Africa this summer!! What else? I was sick and tired (and tired and sick) but my brother and Brian helped me SO much by helping clean and set up and then break down and clean again before and after the party... WOW...I really am just SO lucky. Sickness or not, whineyniess (sp?!) or not, I have the best family and friends in the world.  *** I was just marveling about that a day or two ago...because I didn't always have that. I felt SO alone at this time last year. I had one friend... (an unhealthy friendship -but for the record, I loved that friend with all my being (I made him the center of my life- do you see where/how that is a problem? As they say, hindsight is 20/20)... but today I am surrounded with God's people...people that God has sent into my life to teach me how to be a better person/ follower. :)

...ok. I need to get to work. I love you all. Thank you for caring about me. I am so grateful.

ps. When I'm sick, all I want is my Mommy... Mommy to come and tuck me in and to dote on me. Are you like that? Who do you want to dote on you?  I KNOW that only God can dote on me and that's all I should want to dote on me. Yesterday when I was (a.) feeling like doodoo (cold) and (b.) stressed (I was doing 3-4 people's jobs at once) and (c.) cracking up/losing it - literally - falling to the floor in tears (luckily no customers were around)...that was the time I MOST needed to call on God... and I admit that I didn't do it as soon or as fervently as I should have.... but when I did, I was SO wrapped up in MY OWN feelings (my own self-centered, self-pity filled life) that I didn't feel for God's presence. I didn't truly open my heart for his comfort. I am happy to say that I DID TRY (one or two piddly times) to reach out - to pray - but I wasn't going to Him with all my heart - you know what it was? I wasn't TRUSTING that HE would come and love me the way I KNOW he can. Ok.... see... when I am sick and if my Mom was in the same house with me, I KNOW that I could go to her and jump into her arms and that she would love and comfort me and make me feel better. The way I approached God yesterday was NOT like that. I didn't come to Him with an aire of KNOWING that He would comfort me. I came to Him with an aire of doubt. If I went to my Mom with an aire of doubt...with a "'tude"...with anything other than genuine, sincere, heart-screaming need- she might reflect that back on me. If I went to her with a questioning..."I think I'm sick and stressed and tired"...then she'd say "buck up- you've got it!"...if I said "I AM sick and stressed and tired and I can't do it alone anymore- please help me...please hug me..." then she would...no questions asked. I think I need to come to God with that same passion and honesty and outpouring of need... and then I must trust that He'll take it from there. I need to ask for help and then sit down in His lap of love and let Him take care of me. He will.

Yep. He will.

<3

Get to the bulb part

I cannot succeed on my own. I cannot do ANYTHING on my own...and for goodness sakes' I MUST STOP allowing the world to revolve around ME! Do you see me making this about me too? Ick! How do I stop?
In those few sentences, I used the word "I" 4 times and "me" 5 times. It's an illness.

Enough. Enough of this incessant blogging. I must only BE... I must BE with God and in His presence- it is only there that I will find true and divine peace. Peace from self. Freedom from self. The words of John the Baptist apply to me too- I must become lesser and He must become greater (I don't have my Bible with me, so I can't tell you exactly where that is from- but it's in there somewhere! :)). I must decrease and He must increase.

My soul yearns for that- for God's fullness. For the peace of the Spirit. I have it and then I lose it... but perhaps that's because I never really had it. Why? Because it's NOT ABOUT ME!! (ha! It's becoming a crazy joke in my mind now- see how it keeps coming up? It comes up in every honest conversation I have with myself or others. Someday perhaps it will become more than words and instead take hold of my "self-life" (as A.W. Tozer calls it) and rattle it into submission to God's unimaginable grace. For now I must continue to acknowledge it as much as I can and - yes - right - of course - I must not ONLY acknowledge it... I must also take action against it by asking for forgiveness and freedom from the only one who can do anything about it. Who's that?
Who?
You know.

ps. I'm scared that I'm going to become schizophrenic. I feel crazy. Is "crazy" just HONEST though? What makes me look/feel crazy? The fact that I keep struggling with the same things over and over OR the fact that I keep TELLING you that I struggle with them over and over? I don't know.
pss. I don't know (anything).
psss. Thank goodness that God knows everything. All I have to do is trust Him to provide (answers, fulfillment, life, purpose, direction, love, e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g!)!
pssss.God keeps putting the example of the "light" in my life... I keep hearing that I need to be a stream of light in the darkness- lighting the path to Christ. I've heard it in 3 different devotions and 2 sermons in the past week. .... I better learn how to flick my light switch on to the highest setting and start glowing! Oh- but I can't do that as a crazy head- or can I? I think I probably can. I am just the bulb... I just need to be the shell because the LIGHT itself comes from God. The Spirit will shape me into the glass bulb that perfectly fits the path that I must light and then he will illuminate my bulb with the light of Jesus' love and shine bright among the darkness. I must strive to be the most perfect glass that I can so that the Light is not diffused by my worldly smudge. I must be transparent and pure glass- purified by God's plan.  [pause]  Whoo. I'm glad I decided to follow this thought train- what a ride! :)

Testify

My church (Journey Church - www.takeajourney.org) just kicked off their sermon series titled "Testify" this past weekend. They invited us to share our testimonies too so I wrote mine out... here it is:

You've heard that sermon before- the one about the seed of the Lord falling on fertile soil vs. shallow soil vs. thorny soil vs. sand.... well, I think God has been throwing seeds at me for years now and they all kept landing on shallow soil which was also surrounded by the thorns of my own pride and mistrust. The past year has been filled with God weeding the garden and tilling the soil of my heart- fertilizing it with His love.

Maaaan- I'm so filled with pride though- I catch myself taking credit for all this...the fact is- it's not me. Everything is Him...He brought me to Journey. He brought me to and through everything. I think coming down here to the South and being in a place where it's not "taboo" to worship Jesus- where people say "God bless you" and MEAN it- OUT LOUD- living in a place like this started the process of healing the damage I did to myself.

*Hm. I just re-read this thing and it's not much of a testimony is it? It's more of a stance. I guess my testimony lead me to my stance. My testimony is the same as everyone's though- it's the same story with different characters... I was lost... I was blind... I was stupid... I was immersed in the things of this world.... but now through the love and forgiveness and sacrifice of Christ- I am a new person! I have new hope and have been given a purpose (which actually ends up being the absence of purpose).  Instead I am invited to become one beat in the heartbeat of a body of believers who live and breathe God's purpose.

OH MY GOSH!!! Will I PLEASE get to the testimony here?
I don't know. I guess the biggest piece - the most painful piece of my struggle had to do with the loss of my marriage. There are SO many levels and trials that you have to go through when you are healing from a divorce- each one with its own struggles, but each one brought me a little closer to God until the breaking point- the point where there was NO OTHER OPTION but to give my whole self- my whole being - my whole soul to God and TRUST Him with it completely. I honestly don't think I could have done that if I were married... I don't think I would have been able to come to this point where I can rely 100% on God to provide fulfillment. I actually keep trying to take my life and my will back from God- it's so silly because it is only when I am sold out for Him that I am truly at peace.... anyway...I'm a work in progress. I don't know how the story is going to turn out- but what I do know is that it's ALL ABOUT HIM and if I keep that in mind and heart- then all of my needs will be met.

But what's the story? I guess it goes something like this:
I have gone through some of the toughest times of my life in the past few years. But it was just last month when I experienced the sonic boom of God’s presence… an overwhelming voice in my life giving me purpose and direction. For years before that- and ESPECIALLY 2009, I was living in darkness and I made lots of mistakes. I almost made the mistake of taking my own life because [Satan convinced me that] it seemed to be the better decision- it would put an end to my suffering and stop me from being a waste of space on this earth….I was no good to anyone the way I was and it certainly wasn’t going to get better because it only ever got worse. I don’t know how it happened- but I was pulled out of this place. I still liked to go to church, and I could feel the Spirit of the Lord all around me... I don't know why that wasn't enough back then...but it wasn't. For a few weeks I was completely surrounded by the Spirit- I even told strangers about it because it was so surreal... I only experienced it when I was in church though. It felt like being in a cloud of love and I would lose control over my tears/emotions. Despite this, I was still so blind. One day I went in there with a chip on my shoulder- sure that God was completely out of my life- I said there was no way He would speak to me that day. (I don’t know why I felt that way during that one day in particular- I just did- but I was conscious of it.) Anyway, it was that day (1/2/10) that God picked me up and gave me the biggest bear hug I could imagine… He surrounded me with his tremendous love and told me to “let it all out”…as my pain poured out of me that day (it wasn’t a pretty site- I was snot-filled and slobbery and sobbing like a champ) it was like a dam broke in me and I poured out while the Father poured in. As my emotion came flooding out, God showed me the root of my darkness which was bitterness. I had no idea that I could possibly be “bitter” but I was - and that day, when I placed it in His hands, He lovingly took it from me. Jesus looked down at me from the cross that day. He looked at ME with his kind eyes filled with love and He gave me a new life...another chance. You see? God stripped me down to nothing. I was at a place where I could ONLY worship Him- that's all I had.  Now I know that that is the sweetest place in the world to be. That is the place where miracles exist. That is the place where life begins. This time the seed of the Lord fell on fertile ground- and I am now dedicated to doing the work I need to do to keep that soil in tip-top shape. :)

For the record- in the short time that I have been trying to truly live 100% for God, He has shown me that the "woe-is-me" stuff that I used to say in a "testimony"- the "I was abused by an alcoholic husband who cheated on me, etc. etc." stuff is a MOOT POINT. The fact is, when we were married, God opened His hand to us and it was filled with piles of miracles but we didn't take them. Our marriage could have been healed. It could have been saved. I have been the recent recipient of the awareness of my very own baggage/suitcase of downfalls. I finally see some of what I did wrong...something that I didn't see for a long time. I mean...I knew I wasn't perfect, but I didn't realize that I was SO WRONG ...that I was someone who was SO BLIND and SO IMMERSED in herself that I dragged our marriage through the mud. I see now that Joe must have been praying for me to see God's light and love because He said HE saw it....but I didn't "get it"... I thought he was just putting on an "act". But no...he was just fired up for Christ... and I rained on his fire...I rained on his parade. I think now how much I desire, delight in, NEED even - to be surrounded by other people who are fired up about God....and how disappointing it must have been for Joe NOT to have that in his life partner/spouse. Maaaaaan.... it breaks my heart.

Anyway- as you can see, I'm a work in progress. There is so much more to know about God and as I pursue the knowledge of Him, I learn more about myself and how to walk with my head held high in faith- surrounded by the grace and power of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Anyway- I'm just along for this ride - watching as Jesus changes me from the inside out. I can't wait to see how the story turns out....

Stuck with the wrong focus

You know where I get stuck?
I get stuck because my focus is not on myself (ok- yes- now I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth - I say "it's not about me" but then I ALSO say "keep your focus on yourself" - but I'm talking about two different things.)

Ok. So here's the deal. I just caught myself reading an AMAZING devotional- one that I thought was right in line with what someone else was saying/going through- so my first instinct was what? To send it to them.

Nothing wrong with that, right? WRONG!!!! See - at the  moment of recognition, my focus stopped being about ME listening...about ME taking in the valuable advice that was being shared - and instead transferred to thinking about someone else and helping them solve THEIR problem. Do you see the danger in this? It sets me up for so many bad things like judgment and pride. Depending on the circumstances- I could say "thank goodness I'm not going through something like that" and start thinking "see how much better I am - I never would have put myself in that situation...". I MUST keep the focus on MY growth and relationship with God. I must keep it personal in order to keep it real.

Hm. I'm gonna say that again. I must keep it personal in order to keep it real.

Blessed

I'm going to be a broken record here. Actually- you should stop reading my blog... it's gonna get realllllly boring. Let me sum up my lifesong right now in two words:

1. blessed.
2. empty.

I feel SO blessed in my new life! God speaks to me- I feel my Father's presence loving me and guideing me - and yes- scolding me sometimes- and hugging me with everything He has. I have been given the gift of an amazing community of friends and role models!- people that help speak Truth and healing and beauty into my life. I am rich- my cup overfloweth- (and I don't mean that in the Spiritual sense yet- though I want that to be the case too) - but I am so blessed to have a job and a home and clothes and food and anything my heart could possibly desire...I have too much.

I'm NOT empty. I WANT to be empty. I want Jesus to fill me with HIM - I want only to be a vessel for His work and His purpose and His glory. I am constantly praying that I be emptied- that my will be taken away - and I will pray that until the cows come home because that is my call. I just wish that I would stop allowing my self-indulgent nature to creep back in... I'm sooooo disgustingly allll about ME. So what do I do about it? I yell "it's not about me!" "it's not about me!" "it's not about me!" "it's not about me!" "it's not about me!" over and over at the top of my lungs (true story- I did this the other day when I got disgusted at myself for feeling stupid about something.) - but it doesn't help. I mean. I guess it does. It brings God's peace and words and comforting. I guess it's like a child acting out- we scream at the top of our lungs to get our parents' attention- just for them to say "I hear you and it's all going to be ok.". Hm. That's what I was doing.

You know what that shows me? It shows me that I am still such an infant in my relationship with God. Eventually as we are "growing up" we learn how to communicate more effectively. Soon screaming and crying isn't an acceptable way to get attention. I am going to have to keep working on my communication skills with God (for my sake) - He knows everything that I think and feel... but knowing how - learning how -to love and be loved by the Father is a life skill that will help me to better reach people for Jesus.

[Thank you, Jesus, for all that is and all that was and all that is to come. (I think that's a song or a verse)... thank you for my heart as it is today- soft and melty and pliant. Thank you for the trials that you brought me through...thank you even for my hardened heart - for my bitterness and pride and distrust - because now I can recognize it- I am more aware of the poison-in-my-soul when it creeps up, ready to make a sneak attack. Thank you for the blessings and promises of the future. I pray that I will be steadfast and strong and that my faith in you doesn't waiver and that when it does (yes- when- I'm such a sinner) that I swiftly remember your goodness and your love and that I lean into whatever it is you bring me to, trusting that you will bring me through. Lord, empty me of me and fill me with you. Amen.]

It's not about me (again)

Ugh! Get OVER myself!
I keep finding myself trapped here- in this place where I am so wrapped up in ME. Why do I care about what anyone thinks about me? Why do I care about what someone else is doing (especially if I'm concerned about how it reflects on me)? Why am I so wrapped up in things that DON'T matter?!!!!

What matters?
Certainly nothing involving little ole' me. It's NOT ABOUT ME!! Why can't I get that through my thick skull? Why do I keep coming back to this? Why do I keep finding myself laying on the floor worrying about stuff... (Yes, I actually lay on the floor and worry. I stare out at the baseboards and half zone out while looking at the way the light reflects on the lip of the baseboard, and half try to ignore the prickly and self-indulgent feelings that sneak up when I submit to self-centered depression (the "woe-is-me" type)).

Please, Carissa... get. over. yourself. (and all the junk that goes with it.)

Two

2 posts in one day  *gasp!* ... it's getting out of control! :)
2 thoughts for this post

First.)
Question: How do I keep from becoming one of those people you think are crazy religion-heads (that actually HARM the Message) yet still share the excitement that I'm feeling from my experiences related to God's amazing love? I must find balance. Somehow. Someway. Anyone have any suggestions???

Second.)
Statement: I am going to wait upon the Lord. I am going to get to know Him/His plans better and serve Him/others and love Him/everyone while I wait. (Wait for WHAT?! For everythinganythingallthatis - His directionpromptingnudge!)

Thanks for listening. BREAKITDOWN! - naaa naaa naaahaa na na naaa naaa naa na na na..... (Yes- that was an odd musical interlude that I just felt like throwing in. It came to me. I typed it. That's all there is to it!)  :P

My Main Man

What it’s like to date God:
It’s totally fulfilling (!) …and absolutely NUTSO! Ha! ... It really is though because I’m putting my heart and soul into getting to know someone who is (a.) invisible yet (b.) wholly present.

Let’s discuss why God can and should be my main man right now…

He is in tune with my needs. He listens. He loves me despite my faults. He gives the best hugs. Sometimes I love Him so much that it makes me cry. He’s very smart and His wisdom [when I am humble enough to hear it] makes me a better person. He’s there for me whenever I need Him. I know that He puts me first. I want SO MUCH to put Him first- but I am selfish and I don’t always remember to do that. He forgives me for that though and stands by patiently- with love and appreciation for every bit of my heart that I share. He is loyal. He makes me want to be a better person. I respect Him (a BIG feat in my life- I often second guess people- I don’t trust what they have to say. This is something I’m working on- and my Father is helping me with that… I just ask Him (or listen for Him) to confirm truth. One thing is for sure- He always knows the truth). I can be myself – uglies and all – with Him and he loves me EVEN MORE for that. He makes me feel beautiful by showing me my strengths. I feel safe and protected with Him. He fulfills me - plugs the holes in my heart just by His being with me. He gives me peace. He’s there whenever I need Him and He's even there when I think I DON’T. He knows me better than I know myself. He takes me to places I’ve never been. He likes to go on hikes with Rue and I (that is one of my favs!) He doesn’t give up on me- on us/our relationship. He is smart, kind, funny, loving, talented, positive, enthusiastic, powerful yet humble, - OH MY GOSH! He’s the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE!! He is EVERYTHING!!!… How can I cut Him down into something so small as someone I'm "dating"???  He is too big for that! Oh my goodness, golly, gosh! He is bigger than anything I can fathom! [deep breath]  I’m not even gonna try to think about it because just the daunting thought of thinking about it is too big to encompass the love of God. I can’t date God. Of COURSE I can’t… He’s too big for me. I can only LOVE Him with all my heart and accept His love back… that’s all.

I CAN, however, date my sister. :)

I'm so lucky to have the best family in the world- the best parents anyone could hope for and 4 amazing siblings (2 sisters & 2 brothers)! My sister, Corie, suggested that I try "dating" my other sister, Page, instead of boys. By "dating", she meant that I might try putting my time and energy and love into getting to know someone that will be in my life always – someone who is amazing and kind and someone I can learn from and grow with. I'm SO glad I took her advice - I'm tellin' ya... it's goin' GREAT! It's been about a month and half now and I'm learning so much about Page- I appreciated her before- but nothing like this. She is one of the most incredible people I know. She has a heart of gold and I really love my relationship with her - I can't wait for it to continue to blossom. :)

Some people might think that because of this I am not doing my due diligence in seeking out a mate -- "Carissa, you are getting old!" -- to them I say "I am putting that in God's hands".  :)  Jesus has filled that empty spot in my heart, making it possible for me to experience fulfillment in my relationships with others - instead of me seeking wholeness through others- see the difference? Let me say it this way- through the fulfillment of the Lord, I'm whole enough now to see the beauty (appreciation for friendships, love, fun, etc.) in the world and in relationships. Before, I would just use those stand-alone emotions/experiences by trying to take them into myself to patch the holes in my heart.... But experience isn't a patch, instead, it's the warm glue that cements the acknowledgement of God's love in place.

The verses that have been rolling around in my head for the past few days are from Matthew 22 (NLT):
36 “Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?” 37 Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’

BTW- this makes me think of one of the best books I’ve read in a long time (maybe ever)… If you are in the market for a good read that is interesting (filled with stories and heart) built with a solid/educated backbone of truth - I HIGHLY recommend it! You will walk away from this book (even if you just read a few pages of it) changed for the better. I’m tellin’ ya, it’s TRUE!!! http://www.theholeinourgospel.com/

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All that Glitters

This CD is sooooooooooooooo good!!!!

http://www.allthatglitterscd.com/

Josh & Tasha Via's other CD's "The Healing" and "The End to Which I Strive" are AMAZING too - totally honest - listening to them makes me feel closer to God and helps me to better understand my purpose. <3 

A Quiet Spirit

The reason I haven't written in the past few days is because I don’t feel inspired to write. I guess that’s a good thing. I go through periods where I can’t get myself to shut up (I talk to myself about things- everything, anything- incessantly) and quite frankly, I don’t remember a time in the past couple years where I have been quiet (in heart and soul)… but I think right now, I’m there.

I think.

Maybe not.

I HAVE been praying for that. I have hoped for that. I want nothing more than a quiet spirit and “together” presence. I read over Proverbs 31 a couple times this week and tried to meditate on the highlights of who I’d like to be (based on that). I’d like to be:

Someone trustworthy; Bring others good and not harm; Busy/productive; Not lazy (get up before dawn and let my lamp burn late into the night) – that’s gonna be a difficult one! I love to sleep (perchance to dream) at least 7 hrs- more if I can get it!; Organized; Energetic; Strong; A hard worker; Someone with a heart for the poor/needy; Creative; Take care of myself; Strong and dignified; Funny/ joyful; Wise – someone people can come to for advice and trust that it is good / solid / honest advice; A kind leader – someone who gives instructions with kindness

Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised. (Prov 31:30) – I thought about this for a long time because– well… I don’t want praise. I want to REJECT praise. I am working on minimizing my ego and demolishing my pride….I feel like the expectation of praise because I follow (fear) the Lord is detrimental to that. HOWEVER- I just thought about the fact (again) that it IS NOT ABOUT ME. “Praise” is not for ME…it’s for Him. It’s for the God of the universe who has done whatever it is that evokes said “praise” and the glory should be given back to Him and only Him. AH HA! Thanks for thinking through this with me!

I also thought a lot about “Charm”. That word is a sneaky word… when I think of it, I think of the patrons at a royal ball with their fancy clothes, masked faces and small talk. I think of façades – I think of people who are making calculated decisions on what to show the world. I feel like they are hiding something. Charm is deceptive and deceitful (is that the same thing?)… I don’t want to be charming. I actually usually have an insta-negative reaction to people who are “charming” because I equate them with serpents…I generally think they are sneaky and dishonest. That’s not fair either… I have no right to judge others or their motives. I can only take this and apply it to my life. How shall I apply it?? Hmmmm… (yes, I’m actually thinking. I’m going to stop typing for a minute and think. Please stand by…)… Yeah. Easy! I am just NOT going to put up façades. I am just going to be who I am- uglies and all! 

* Oooh… I just re-read my “who I want to be”/proverbs 31 woman stuff and saw the word “dignified”. I think that DIGNIFIED connotates (to me) an “honest” charm…a reserved charm. I think I’d like to be that instead please. :)

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[Dear Lord, please help me to become the kind of woman … the kind of person … the follower … that brings good and not harm to YOU. Help me to be someone who makes Your world a better place and makes you proud. I need you. I can’t do this without you. Please infuse my spirit with yours and help me to live for and by you. Amen.]

Dogs in the snow!

I love snow!!! My dog Rue, and her roomie, Sasha (the husky) love it too!!! Jackson, (their feline roomie) is not so sure.

 

<3 joy.