Testify

My church (Journey Church - www.takeajourney.org) just kicked off their sermon series titled "Testify" this past weekend. They invited us to share our testimonies too so I wrote mine out... here it is:

You've heard that sermon before- the one about the seed of the Lord falling on fertile soil vs. shallow soil vs. thorny soil vs. sand.... well, I think God has been throwing seeds at me for years now and they all kept landing on shallow soil which was also surrounded by the thorns of my own pride and mistrust. The past year has been filled with God weeding the garden and tilling the soil of my heart- fertilizing it with His love.

Maaaan- I'm so filled with pride though- I catch myself taking credit for all this...the fact is- it's not me. Everything is Him...He brought me to Journey. He brought me to and through everything. I think coming down here to the South and being in a place where it's not "taboo" to worship Jesus- where people say "God bless you" and MEAN it- OUT LOUD- living in a place like this started the process of healing the damage I did to myself.

*Hm. I just re-read this thing and it's not much of a testimony is it? It's more of a stance. I guess my testimony lead me to my stance. My testimony is the same as everyone's though- it's the same story with different characters... I was lost... I was blind... I was stupid... I was immersed in the things of this world.... but now through the love and forgiveness and sacrifice of Christ- I am a new person! I have new hope and have been given a purpose (which actually ends up being the absence of purpose).  Instead I am invited to become one beat in the heartbeat of a body of believers who live and breathe God's purpose.

OH MY GOSH!!! Will I PLEASE get to the testimony here?
I don't know. I guess the biggest piece - the most painful piece of my struggle had to do with the loss of my marriage. There are SO many levels and trials that you have to go through when you are healing from a divorce- each one with its own struggles, but each one brought me a little closer to God until the breaking point- the point where there was NO OTHER OPTION but to give my whole self- my whole being - my whole soul to God and TRUST Him with it completely. I honestly don't think I could have done that if I were married... I don't think I would have been able to come to this point where I can rely 100% on God to provide fulfillment. I actually keep trying to take my life and my will back from God- it's so silly because it is only when I am sold out for Him that I am truly at peace.... anyway...I'm a work in progress. I don't know how the story is going to turn out- but what I do know is that it's ALL ABOUT HIM and if I keep that in mind and heart- then all of my needs will be met.

But what's the story? I guess it goes something like this:
I have gone through some of the toughest times of my life in the past few years. But it was just last month when I experienced the sonic boom of God’s presence… an overwhelming voice in my life giving me purpose and direction. For years before that- and ESPECIALLY 2009, I was living in darkness and I made lots of mistakes. I almost made the mistake of taking my own life because [Satan convinced me that] it seemed to be the better decision- it would put an end to my suffering and stop me from being a waste of space on this earth….I was no good to anyone the way I was and it certainly wasn’t going to get better because it only ever got worse. I don’t know how it happened- but I was pulled out of this place. I still liked to go to church, and I could feel the Spirit of the Lord all around me... I don't know why that wasn't enough back then...but it wasn't. For a few weeks I was completely surrounded by the Spirit- I even told strangers about it because it was so surreal... I only experienced it when I was in church though. It felt like being in a cloud of love and I would lose control over my tears/emotions. Despite this, I was still so blind. One day I went in there with a chip on my shoulder- sure that God was completely out of my life- I said there was no way He would speak to me that day. (I don’t know why I felt that way during that one day in particular- I just did- but I was conscious of it.) Anyway, it was that day (1/2/10) that God picked me up and gave me the biggest bear hug I could imagine… He surrounded me with his tremendous love and told me to “let it all out”…as my pain poured out of me that day (it wasn’t a pretty site- I was snot-filled and slobbery and sobbing like a champ) it was like a dam broke in me and I poured out while the Father poured in. As my emotion came flooding out, God showed me the root of my darkness which was bitterness. I had no idea that I could possibly be “bitter” but I was - and that day, when I placed it in His hands, He lovingly took it from me. Jesus looked down at me from the cross that day. He looked at ME with his kind eyes filled with love and He gave me a new life...another chance. You see? God stripped me down to nothing. I was at a place where I could ONLY worship Him- that's all I had.  Now I know that that is the sweetest place in the world to be. That is the place where miracles exist. That is the place where life begins. This time the seed of the Lord fell on fertile ground- and I am now dedicated to doing the work I need to do to keep that soil in tip-top shape. :)

For the record- in the short time that I have been trying to truly live 100% for God, He has shown me that the "woe-is-me" stuff that I used to say in a "testimony"- the "I was abused by an alcoholic husband who cheated on me, etc. etc." stuff is a MOOT POINT. The fact is, when we were married, God opened His hand to us and it was filled with piles of miracles but we didn't take them. Our marriage could have been healed. It could have been saved. I have been the recent recipient of the awareness of my very own baggage/suitcase of downfalls. I finally see some of what I did wrong...something that I didn't see for a long time. I mean...I knew I wasn't perfect, but I didn't realize that I was SO WRONG ...that I was someone who was SO BLIND and SO IMMERSED in herself that I dragged our marriage through the mud. I see now that Joe must have been praying for me to see God's light and love because He said HE saw it....but I didn't "get it"... I thought he was just putting on an "act". But no...he was just fired up for Christ... and I rained on his fire...I rained on his parade. I think now how much I desire, delight in, NEED even - to be surrounded by other people who are fired up about God....and how disappointing it must have been for Joe NOT to have that in his life partner/spouse. Maaaaaan.... it breaks my heart.

Anyway- as you can see, I'm a work in progress. There is so much more to know about God and as I pursue the knowledge of Him, I learn more about myself and how to walk with my head held high in faith- surrounded by the grace and power of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Anyway- I'm just along for this ride - watching as Jesus changes me from the inside out. I can't wait to see how the story turns out....