Blessed

I'm going to be a broken record here. Actually- you should stop reading my blog... it's gonna get realllllly boring. Let me sum up my lifesong right now in two words:

1. blessed.
2. empty.

I feel SO blessed in my new life! God speaks to me- I feel my Father's presence loving me and guideing me - and yes- scolding me sometimes- and hugging me with everything He has. I have been given the gift of an amazing community of friends and role models!- people that help speak Truth and healing and beauty into my life. I am rich- my cup overfloweth- (and I don't mean that in the Spiritual sense yet- though I want that to be the case too) - but I am so blessed to have a job and a home and clothes and food and anything my heart could possibly desire...I have too much.

I'm NOT empty. I WANT to be empty. I want Jesus to fill me with HIM - I want only to be a vessel for His work and His purpose and His glory. I am constantly praying that I be emptied- that my will be taken away - and I will pray that until the cows come home because that is my call. I just wish that I would stop allowing my self-indulgent nature to creep back in... I'm sooooo disgustingly allll about ME. So what do I do about it? I yell "it's not about me!" "it's not about me!" "it's not about me!" "it's not about me!" "it's not about me!" over and over at the top of my lungs (true story- I did this the other day when I got disgusted at myself for feeling stupid about something.) - but it doesn't help. I mean. I guess it does. It brings God's peace and words and comforting. I guess it's like a child acting out- we scream at the top of our lungs to get our parents' attention- just for them to say "I hear you and it's all going to be ok.". Hm. That's what I was doing.

You know what that shows me? It shows me that I am still such an infant in my relationship with God. Eventually as we are "growing up" we learn how to communicate more effectively. Soon screaming and crying isn't an acceptable way to get attention. I am going to have to keep working on my communication skills with God (for my sake) - He knows everything that I think and feel... but knowing how - learning how -to love and be loved by the Father is a life skill that will help me to better reach people for Jesus.

[Thank you, Jesus, for all that is and all that was and all that is to come. (I think that's a song or a verse)... thank you for my heart as it is today- soft and melty and pliant. Thank you for the trials that you brought me through...thank you even for my hardened heart - for my bitterness and pride and distrust - because now I can recognize it- I am more aware of the poison-in-my-soul when it creeps up, ready to make a sneak attack. Thank you for the blessings and promises of the future. I pray that I will be steadfast and strong and that my faith in you doesn't waiver and that when it does (yes- when- I'm such a sinner) that I swiftly remember your goodness and your love and that I lean into whatever it is you bring me to, trusting that you will bring me through. Lord, empty me of me and fill me with you. Amen.]