I KNOW IT! It's totally because I said out loud that "God couldn't possibly break me any more - I've gone through it all." ...Psssshhhhhawwww!... Since then God has been showing me (in many ways and places in my life) how wrong I was. That what I said/thought - even just for a second- a passing thought that slipped out (one that would usually have just been one of those thoughts that roll around in oblivion unless it's captured and destroyed) was an example of haughtiness/pride. Let me say it a little more eloquently - I was WRONG-O!
In the last 24 hours, I've found myself as broken as I can be... which is why I just pulled myself up from where I was sitting UNDER my desk at work- crying and snotting all over myself- to write this out (to you, Blog, instead of an email to some poor shmuck (aka-my friends who are usually/used to be the receipients of such streams-of-thought).
Yes. I have my Bible.
Yes. I'm praying.
Yes. God is comforting me.
No. I don't feel better.
I will soon. I SHOULD be grateful that God is showing me once again that He is the ruler of my life- He is the owner and painter and lover of my soul and ALL things are FOR and BY Him.
How dare I think that I have been broken enough??? I haven't even had a TASTE of what it is like for people with real sorrows and losses and lives of trial. I am SO BLESSED in EVERYTHING! I have an amazing God that loves and provides for me. I have a family - parents who raised me well and siblings who love me with all their hearts. I have friends - great friends that truly CARE about me. I have a home and a job and a car and all the fluffy comforts that make my plushy life into something to be coveted (or something that I MUST APPRECIATE.). I am so torn.
I'm torn because I'm disappointed in myself for falling into this feeling of self-pity - WHY ME? Why do I have these trials (stupid stupid trials that mean NOTHING)??? I'm crying under my desk because of some stupid work stuff... SO WHAT. None of it matters. All that matters is love. All that matters is relationships. All that matters is God. All that matters is that I live the life that God has asked me to live. One of faith. One of trusting. One where I am commanded (not asked politely- no- commanded. expected.) to LOVE others.... I am commanded to give of myself to others. How the heck can I give of myself when I am so selfishly holding onto stupid things that do not matter!!!??? My role at work is to SERVE. So what if my work is meaningless or lost or unappreciated or deleted. (For the record- all my work for the last 4 days is gone- I am sitting at the bottom of a mountain of work- needing to climb it but with no footholds anymore. I've got to rebuild the mountain THEN start again to climb it. It looks impossible from where I am, but I know it is not. I just need to take a step. One step. I just need to put one foot in front of the other and trust God to place my foot where it needs to go....and then do it with the other foot...and then walk- by HIS leading and His strength- and then before I know it, I'll be running again. Right? Right.
Go.
No.
Go take a break- breathe. Read your Bible. Pray. THEN go. Work. Do as God has commanded - love. serve. help those that can't help themselves. <-- Yes, that's my crazy talk- that's how I talk to myself when I journal sometimes. I decided to leave it in though. It helps me.
[Dear God, please help me to fall back and let you lead the way. I know you love me with everything and that I can trust you with anything. Please help me to LIVE that way. Amen.]
*Whoo. I actually feel better now. :)
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