I'm so sorry I haven't written... not that I have anything to apologize for, because I'm not sure anyone reads this...OH, that's a lie... Heather reads this (you rock, my CT friend-in-love!) and Joe reads this when he can (he's busy with his FABO new jobby-job... I hope it's going well!) and Tasha reads this (between feeding the baby, working on her thesis and doing her fantastic and noble work with the Department of Social Services). Anyway... to EVERYONE who stops by my blog - THANK YOU! You make my rambling worthwhile - it's so nice to know that someone cares.
Oh...I think the above paragraph might be part of a small pity party that I'm having for myself because I've got a cold. I'm SUCH a baby- I really am. I secretly want people to dote on me. I secretly want someone to come and just love the snot right out of me. I feel like (and am secretly acting like) a sick boy, but I'm trying to act like a girl -- what does this mean???? ...I'm just saying... boys are usually such babies when they are sick (:P) and girls usually live and work right through it (:D). I'm TRYING to live and work through it, but I have an aire of "poor-me"...I have a touch of the selfishYies. (that's not a word- but I'm sick so I can make up words and it's excusable. Brains don't work so well when they are drowning in snot. :)).
Anyway... I just realized that this blog is about nothing. I came over here to Blogger to check in to see if my friends had written in their blogs and before I knew it, I had started typing. I should probably delete this because it's really not a helpful or insightful or honest or uplifting or anything-positive blog. I COULD make it into a continually complainY (yes...this is another made up word) blog - I am feeling pretty down because of being stressed from work on top of being sick.... but HOLD THE PHONE....
I am SO FREAKIN' blessed and LOVED!! I had my Premier Designs jewelry party last night and through my family/friends' outpouring of support, raised $404 towards my missions trip to Africa this summer!! What else? I was sick and tired (and tired and sick) but my brother and Brian helped me SO much by helping clean and set up and then break down and clean again before and after the party... WOW...I really am just SO lucky. Sickness or not, whineyniess (sp?!) or not, I have the best family and friends in the world. *** I was just marveling about that a day or two ago...because I didn't always have that. I felt SO alone at this time last year. I had one friend... (an unhealthy friendship -but for the record, I loved that friend with all my being (I made him the center of my life- do you see where/how that is a problem? As they say, hindsight is 20/20)... but today I am surrounded with God's people...people that God has sent into my life to teach me how to be a better person/ follower. :)
...ok. I need to get to work. I love you all. Thank you for caring about me. I am so grateful.
ps. When I'm sick, all I want is my Mommy... Mommy to come and tuck me in and to dote on me. Are you like that? Who do you want to dote on you? I KNOW that only God can dote on me and that's all I should want to dote on me. Yesterday when I was (a.) feeling like doodoo (cold) and (b.) stressed (I was doing 3-4 people's jobs at once) and (c.) cracking up/losing it - literally - falling to the floor in tears (luckily no customers were around)...that was the time I MOST needed to call on God... and I admit that I didn't do it as soon or as fervently as I should have.... but when I did, I was SO wrapped up in MY OWN feelings (my own self-centered, self-pity filled life) that I didn't feel for God's presence. I didn't truly open my heart for his comfort. I am happy to say that I DID TRY (one or two piddly times) to reach out - to pray - but I wasn't going to Him with all my heart - you know what it was? I wasn't TRUSTING that HE would come and love me the way I KNOW he can. Ok.... see... when I am sick and if my Mom was in the same house with me, I KNOW that I could go to her and jump into her arms and that she would love and comfort me and make me feel better. The way I approached God yesterday was NOT like that. I didn't come to Him with an aire of KNOWING that He would comfort me. I came to Him with an aire of doubt. If I went to my Mom with an aire of doubt...with a "'tude"...with anything other than genuine, sincere, heart-screaming need- she might reflect that back on me. If I went to her with a questioning..."I think I'm sick and stressed and tired"...then she'd say "buck up- you've got it!"...if I said "I AM sick and stressed and tired and I can't do it alone anymore- please help me...please hug me..." then she would...no questions asked. I think I need to come to God with that same passion and honesty and outpouring of need... and then I must trust that He'll take it from there. I need to ask for help and then sit down in His lap of love and let Him take care of me. He will.
Yep. He will.
<3
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