Moved!

It's official! I'm a homeowner and I'm all moved! More importantly, all my animals are moved! I turned in the keys to my apartment and said goodbye to Sundance Country Club Ranch after an almost 9 year stint there! Excited for my next chapter. 

Thank GOD for all the wonderful friends and family that made this happen for me... Ryan has been there the whole time. Torturing and punishing me as payment (because he is conflicted in his soul and doesn't know how to be... he's giving so much of himself and wants to get back at me because of it... he's not giving from genuine love. He is a mirror.)... but he built the fence for Sioux and the chickens and got my water running for me yesterday... it's filtered, but the UV light is broken so still shouldn't drink it. 

My parents swooped in and helped me move and set up my house so I have a HOME. Dad did hardware and doornobs and dump runs with me. Mom organized my kitchen and unpacked boxes and they both supported and loved on and bought me lots of things... hardware and glasses and curtain rods and made my home lovely!!

Michael helped move me and the chickens and chicken houses... Mr. Casey and Josh came and moved the chicken houses (that was a photo finish.. super scary but it happened just in the nick of time, thanks to the generosity and amazing equipment of Mr. Casey)... and Boyd helped load all our heavy stuff and more... and Boyd and Sarah moved Sioux... it was 

____

I lost my place a while a go... this is my state of mind... it's been WILD, INTENSE...but we made it! I'm HOME!! God, please help Ryan to get some perspective and a clear and kind mind and heart. He is tearing me down and into pieces... always making me feel so bad about myself...  it makes him feel better when he can make others feel worse... I know that game too. I did it for so long. So this is what I am learning. I need to go take trash to the dump and returns to TSC. Let's see how it goes! I am strong!!

___

7/31 11:12 ... just missed it! What does that say?
I'm too tired to analyze Ryan too much but it is very interesting to watch and listen and I thank God for the opportunity. Integrations happen in the midst but I think more pieces will come together. He is not well. Very unbalanced and blames everyone else. Such a huge ego (like me) and to me that means he has a big calling ... and a big heart. And I just need to bide my time and love him to the best of my ability while God does his work. I need to take good care of myself so that the torture he is pulsing through doesn't stick. I don't have bandwidth for details now which is too bad because they are interesting and without details it's just moosh. 

I was invited to a second interview today for the Ag Center Facilities Coordinator role and I am really interested in it! God's will be done. 

Stress

Thank you God for your LOVE and SUPPORT in this time. My AG pick today: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Atomic_Harness

It's a hard time. I went to the ER from 2-6am the other night. Whole body allergic reations. Histamine intolerance I believe. Support is here. God loves me. Thank you God. Big stress moving. And Ryan is both helping soooo much and also being emotionally hard on me. It's a mirror. Punishing me for his helping me. I do that to my lovers too... I did it to Michael...it's some reversal energy... need to source it. Thank you God for the information. I'm feeling overwhelmed. But help has been abundant. And everything will happen in divine right timing. My computer is here at the new house. As of yesterday, July 24, 2023, my house is mine... filed in my name. 

Crying on the lawnmower yesterday because I feel so out of control and not sure how to even drive around and get the grass... no clear patterns. Lots of stuff in the way... roots and trees and stumps... I will figure it out. I am being taught to be strong. Thank you God. Donnie is doing such a beautiful job transforming my home. Soon there will be floors and it will be beautiful! It is beautiful. I love it!

It's a stressful, overwhelming, tiring, anxiety-producing time, but I am okay. Thank you for the help that Corie, Jerry, Hazel, Le'Anna, Scott, JoJo and the O'Malleys and Michael and mostly Ryan. He is my hero.

Ryan got the fence put in. Last thing before it's chicken-ready is wire on the gates, but it is horse-ready now and he's going to get my water UV thing on soon too. 

God. 

Big Girl Panties

This morning I woke up to the realization that I've been sleeping on a grounding mat with no wire because Paul took my wire too. And my furminator. I thought he took Moses' nail clippers too but later he showed me where that was. I am a sucker. He said he had no food so I went to the store and bought him 15+ pounds of meat. I just give myself away over and over.

Tonight Ryan didn't want to do what I wanted (to talk and plan and share and get on the same page... I wanted him to come over to my apartment thinking it would be easier to research uv lights and water systems on my computer. He could get his laundry. We'd have air conditioning. 

But he said he wanted to work on the fence so I met him over there. I was a mess... I had a rough day starting with the Paul stuff and then it got worse when I met the "bless-your-heart" BULLY who is Richard the farmer's wife who was shaming me for damaging his crops.... Jim drove his tractor in there and I went to talk to them and apologize and pay for the crops and she was making me feel like a jerk "why were you even near there?"... because we got stuck in the mud with a tractor while putting up a fence, lady. But I'm not strong and those people just have a way to slap me on my heart.

I wanted to share with him about meeting Busy Bee's Charles the arborist. And about the idea for the floors (just put it down in the living room for now).... and probably tons of other stuff... oh, the paint... there is hardly any difference between the sea salt and opaline which is vexing me some...but it is what it is. And decision to go with white on the upper kitchen cabinets. And plan for picking up the truck and trailer tomorrow... etc. 

But he told me to go get stuff for him from his parents house...cigarettes and a trowel. I didn't get the right trowel so he came back with me to look for it. I ended up finding it... but he was just scowling the whole time.... when we got back he told me to measure and level the trench and I tried to tell him that it didn't matter about the low parts... just the high parts... I was just trying to get on the same page... but he flipped out again and quit and left. (He can't tolerate when I have questions or ideas or thoughts... just do as I'm told... he's the GC....blah blah blah.) A few minutes before that he said we'll finish the fence, then do the plumbing, then do the floors and that's how it's going to go. He was threatening and left no room for conversation. 

He broke up with me last week and that's fine.... we had a nice weekend working and playing together. It really is every 3 days. Today was going to be a scowl-mean day. I should have known. I can't do this. He can quit. I do so much for him... and he does so much for me... we are so good when Ryan is good. But he's not balanced and he blames it all on me and I take the blame to keep the peace (and DO learn lots...I deserve lots of blame... but the blame game isn't cool.) Anyway... He is in a place where he will get to determine the course of his life. It will take some radical humility to choose a happy and fulfilling life with me or others... but he may choose hermitdom... and that's his choice and his life.

I'm grateful to God for getting me this house. God-willing I will own it on Wednesday. It's my house, my project, my life and I hope it will be comfortable for sweet Moses too. He is stressed... this is hard on him and I'm hardly here. And it's so hot in the world!!

Anyway...I'm going to let Ryan go. And do things the way I want to. I want to go get the floors tomorrow when I am partially there (I'll be in Raleigh to pick up the truck.)... and bring home the trailer... and hopefully be on my way... and I will learn how to lay floors and I will have to hire someone to do the plumbing and maybe to help me with the fence, but I can keep chipping away at that. This is me putting on my big girl panties.

Fear of being alone

Ryan broke up with me last night...well, the other night, but I didn't accept it until last night.

My heart feels so broken. I cried for 30 minutes solid... SOBBED ... the other night. And that helped.

A song just came on that said "SLOWWWW DOWNNNN". This is a message from God. This whole song is. It's a Nahko song. 

I don't know if it's fear of being alone that ... it IS fear of being alone... but also "fear of losing love"... and "fear of aggression"... those came up in the Edwige session and I see how I'm working with that with Ryan.... worked on it with him. And I need to just let it go. He's so angry and he doesn't like me for me. I rub him the wrong way. I can't be me. I trigger him. And I DO see how I second guess everything he says. And I am always trying to change him (today it's to show him how eating massive containers of deli/lunch meat each day may not be good for him. Talk about blood pressure raising.)... but I'm just really messed up. Co-dependant. Controlling. Fearful. Untrusting. Prideful. 

I always day-dream about Jeff when things go south with my boyfriends... but Jeff isn't my guy. He's my friend, but he's so broken he can't even be my friend. NO MORE BROKEN BIRDS. I AM the broken bird that I must love. I must find my own strength. My own stability. Once I get in my new house I can find some peace and centering and self-care practice and meditation... I'm just falling apart. I haven't felt that I had a HOME/homebase since Ryan and I got together and Paul wouldn't let him come over so I was always at Ryan's... not here.... and not with my animals enough. I'm just tossed to and fro. And I'm tired. But God has me. Thanks be to God and my guidance teams... I'm okay. I'm held. I'm loved.

I don't need a man... and the right one will love me naturally... I don't need to do anything. I don't need to work so hard to be what they need... I just will be. They will love me for me. And they will SEE me and know my heart and hold me and be a place of safety for me. But the truth is that I need to be that for myelf. I AM MY LOVER AND FRIEND. 

I'm so sad.

So alone.

So broken.

Weary soul.

Sick and Tired

Besides the fact that I am *actually* sick (with a nasty cold)... I'm also sick and tired of Ryan's moods. Today we had sex and then we were going over to my new house to look at the ceilings and work that Donnie did and on the way over I asked if he would sleep over at my house. He didn't answer and immediately started trying to pick a fight with me. He's happy as long as everything goes according to his plans and thoughts, but when I try to introduce my own thoughts, it messes him up and he gets offended. 

He got mad at me for saying that Donnie said I could return 2 of the gallons of ceiling paint. Ryan said he might need them to do another coat and I said that Donnie called me and said he didn't need them and that he opened another can. Ryan questioned me and called me argumentative and got hostile with me.

It's getting old. 

But I really DO need him. But does that give him a license to treat me like crap?

I took some medicine today... alka-selzer sinus and something. I feel weird about it but it really did help.

Yeah. I'm over this drama.

ps. Getting some good numbers. LOTS of 44's. Saw 4:44 and 5:55 today. 9:23 And 11/22:33! 

RIP Python

9/9:09.... I also saw 8:08. 

Went out to the chicken house and found Python dead. The nesting box she likes was also off the wall. Seems like something happened. Freak accident. Maybe Vern was trying to mount her? First chicken I had to bury by myself. It was very sad. I'm very sad.

Then I went to take care of Michael's chickens and saw Manson along the way. I sure miss that sweet boy. We had some loving time and then when I was over with the chickens I heard him do that sad wolf howl. Two of them. Mourning.

I offered again for Paul to let me take care of him...even during the day in the heat. It will make things more difficult for me but I love Manson. 

9:9:12

Today I'm going to shock the well and paint samples by myself. 

On my Way

I'm on my Way and it requires me to learn to be self-sufficient on my own. 

I talked to Shana yesterday and Ryan lost his mind... he's been punishing me since. He was sick...gave himself a sinus infection from not wearing a mask while sanding all day... sawdust and it infected his sinuses... he was genuinely sick...snotting etc...the last two days, but today was his "milking it" day and he did nothing... couldn't even help me to paint swatches on the wall. I'm just not interested... I pause my life to wait for him to process...to wait for him to smoke...to wait for him to ask google... to wait for him to find acceptance in his heart about something that's not even his business (me). It's 8/8:33. Today I saw 1:11 and 4:44. Yesterday I saw 11:11, 1:11, 2:22, 3:33, 4:44, and 15:55. (I also see 9:11 and 11:09 a lot and 12:13 and 13:12 and 13:13...etc.) LOTS HAPPENING.

But I have given myself away too much to Ryan. And he squanders me. And he doesn't even know if he wants me... he actually DOESN'T want me... he DOES... but he doesn't know it. He likes aspects of me... feeling like a man, someone who cares for him and cooks and cleans and does laundry... but he doesn't like my personality. He calls me crazy all the time. He insults me every chance he gets. He calls me awful names. I try to remain a compassionate witness but sometimes it hurts me. Today after I had spent all the money I didn't have to buy him food (burgers and shrimp and cheese, etc.)... I wanted to grocery shop for him but he was sending me mixed messages the whole time... don't get the things he said...yes, do... etc.  He's just suuuuuper bi-polar, unbalanced, egotistical, and self-centered.

I was counting on him to help me with my house but I think I need to just figure it out for myself. I'm on my own. He's not reliable. He sleeps half the day too. And doesn't like people. And talks badly about everyone. And swears every other word. And thinks he's the smartest person in the world and that everyone else is dumb. He's DISDAINFULLY prideful and it's gross. 

I thought I could love him back to his center, but he's got to decide if he wants to do that for himself. I need to love MYSELF back to MY center. And take care of ME. Thank you God for this house... I will have to learn to be self-sufficient... I will have to overcome my own laziness.

Tomorrow, I will shock the well by myself. And paint samples on the wall by my self. And go buy a hose and some paint brushes by myself. 

Thank you God.

I'd been asking him to come to my house for months... now that Paul's been out and it's been a week and he's been off all week and he still couldn't find it in his heart to have a meal or sleep at my house. (He came with me one day to get Moses. Maybe two days.) But this isn't the guy who said "you can do nothing wrong". This isn't the guy who was going to stand up for me to Paul. This isn't that guy. He said he backslid...and it's my fault. And he has and it's not. 

But I am enabling his bad behavior and I don't want it. 

He broke up with me tonight and I'll take it. I tried not to. I tried to love him. But he's right... I'm not being honest. If I was, I'd tell him to go suck it. 

He didn't care about making my butt bleed. He is a dry drunk. He's sick and deluded and arrogant and living a small life. He can choose otherwise but I can't play hero/savior anymore. It didn't start like that. It started like Princess Code/fairytale...then turned to hero/savior and victim/victimizer. And I'm not interested in any of that. 

My AG pick today: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Doublespeak

I definitely do this... from a state of confusion. And Ryan ALSO does it. We both do. But I need to focus on myself. And figure how I can "Speaking what you mean honestly and expressing clear, and accurate words, is extremely important. Say what you mean and do what you say." I have a hard time with this because I also want everyone to like me so I fear saying something that might hurt them and make me lose them. 

But I need to find freedom from this fear and just BE ME!!!

The quote of the day was: "Don't Believe everything that you Think". ~Bumper sticker

...and my affirmation. Please let me integrate this....

 

22:22

I feel really hurt. To the point that I can't feel. I've given myself away. Disconnected from my own heart and from my own feeling. In order to connect to Ryan to try to love him to sanity. 

I cannot. 

Rest and take care of me. I've wasted so much time the last 4 months, just sitting with him... watching him smoke... hoping to rub off on him...and for him to rub off on me. To find and keep unity. It feels so good when we are... and when the demons come out it feels so bad. 

Do me and let Ryan and every other person BE.

Ryan doesn't like me for me. So that should be a wrap. Why do I keep pursuing it? Fear of being alone. Fear of losing that beautiful connection we HAD. Chasing the dragon. 

He wants to sabotage it and blame it on me. The false accusations are rough. This is karma. This is what I did to to so many. How can I find and cling to ME and learn to be discerning about what is real and what isn't? I'm getting old. I don't want to be alone. Ryan and I compliment one another in skillsets...but our egos are both so big... and I want to point fingers but that's what he's doing to me and it doesn't feel good so focus on me. I *think* that he's like me 4 or 5 years ago and that he's going to have an awakening but he will have to choose that. 

I don't know if I should delete this. I should just let him be. But I also don't want him to think I gave up on him. Which I kind of am.

It's button-pushing. I should just let him be. 

I did. 

Colored Glasses

Ryan is contentious about my "rose colored glasses". This morning, I realized he has "black colored glasses" on... most of the time. I try to see the good in people. He tries to see the bad. His focus is on people's flaws, issues, and perceived slights against him. He lives the epitome of enemy patterning. 

The goal of the invading entities which brought on the Lyran Wars, was to destroy access between the Universal Gates, Lyran Gates and Andromeda, to prevent any metaterrestrial Founder races from gaining access into the Milky Way system, and preventing the future seedings and incarnations of the Christos Founder Races DNA. But soon the Lyran Wars spread to the constellation of Orion and through the Metagalactic Core, where it became a war with those who wanted to dominate others in this system based upon the Victim-Victimizer fear-based mind-sets. This can also be called archetypal Enemy Patterning. Entities with the Service to Self ideology were attempting to enslave or eliminate those who followed the Law of One, with the ideology of Service to Others that held love-based mind sets.^[1] https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Enemy_Patterning

Boom!

Ryan doesn't want to be happy. 

When he hears about who I am, he focuses on the bad. I read to him about my continual struggle with control and fear and surrender... I read him the 3 blogs I did for Michael's site. But all he sees is bad in me. 

I'm torn because I love him... but I am starting to try to turn it off. It's too painful. He wants to be alone. I should just let him and be friends, if he wants. The problem is that I feel that down the road we will be together when he figures his shit out... and in the meantime I DO need him ... his wisdom and support with the house are integral pieces to moving into this new chapter. So do I keep taking the abuse? It IS abuse... he swears at me and calls me names and tells me all the bad things about me and doesn't believe in me and doesn't believe in us. He likes and insists on me doing the cooking, otherwise he's not going to eat healthy... it's a threat. But he's not healthy... smoking and whatever... but he could be...and he's going in the right direction...but it is at my expense. Am I okay? Yes, I'm okay. Can I maintain my sense of joy and gratitude and alignment....yes, I can. Can he have perceptions of my stupidity and can I keep that from tainting me? I don't know... I feel like it is... like his disdain about my interests is creating a layer of shame.

___

YES GOD! Thank you!! Finished and sent this to Ryan at 11:44

Carissa Wages, [Jul 3, 2023 at 11:44:25 AM]:

First off, let me remind you that my heart and soul loves you deeply. There is nothing I want more than to live out the fairytale that could be our life together if we so choose. That said, I want to share some understandings that are coming through for me.

1. I realize you don’t like me the way I am. That hurts.

2. We both are human, hence we are here in this body, on this earth, at this time, to work out some stuff… personal, ancestral, collective…wherever it sources from, we have STUFF. That’s what’s up. That’s what life is all about… exploring and overcoming. Transmuting trauma into peace and happiness for our souls. The rest is window dressing. 

3. We can choose to work together and walk together as we work through our own stuff, or not. But my stuff is my stuff and your stuff is your stuff. I know that your stuff will sometimes splatter me and I need to be willing to wipe it off and keep moving, or I can say that I’m not willing to get splattered by your stuff and stay further away. (This analogy is pinging me to consider that sometimes we have so much of our own mess that we can’t bear to get another drop of anyone else’s stuff on us… OR we can be so dirty that a few more specks doesn’t feel like it makes a difference, but it really may… there are two ways to think of that.) I digress…

The same goes for you…. my stuff will splatter you sometimes (my control dramas, fear, etc.) and you have to decide if you have enough margin to be willing to deal with that (with love), or not. Right now, it feels like maybe you don’t. And there’s nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing wrong with anything you choose, Ryan. This is YOUR life and walk and path and you get to do with it what you choose. Of course I HOPE and WANT you to choose me. You hooked me… I wish you hadn’t because I fell HARD for you, but you did and so now we both have this to work with and through.

4. I wear “rose-colored glasses” but I realized this morning that you are wearing “black-colored glasses”. My idealistic view looks for the good in people. You look for the bad. You look for how they are wrong and bad. 

5. Hurt people hurt people.

6. Keeping your focus on everyone else’s shortcomings keeps you from looking at your own. It is also an ego mechanism to bolster yourself so you don’t feel so bad about yourself. If you can make others bad and wrong, then you inflate your own standing in your eyes as good and right. 

The truth is that you are a MAGNIFICENT man and being! You have a heart of gold! At your core you are kind, generous, talented, intelligent, and  fun! I love you and want to continue to do life with you, but I also am willing to honor your need for space to figure out who YOU are and what YOU want. 

You were right last night when you said I didn’t know who I was…. at least when I wrote that blog for Michael, that was true. But even at that time I was many years into the journey to discover myself… and since then I have made great strides in getting to know and love myself just as I am! That’s why I’m unapologetic about your perception of me as “crazy”, because it’s okay…I am who I am and I LIKE ME. If you don’t, then there’s nothing I can do about that. It makes me sad because as I said before, I want to live out the dream of a loving union with you, but I can’t control it…. although I try sometimes (often)…because I want my way. My way being unity, love, peace, happiness with YOU. 

Again, I DO CONTINUE to work on myself and as I’ve shared with you, lots comes up through our interactions that causes me to see more of myself. It’s very painful but I’m very grateful to God for it. It is clear to me that you do not know or understand the work that I’ve put in… but it’s also not necessary that you do… that’s MY work for MY soul and it’s between ME (my Godself) and me (my earthself) as it should be.

I try to share myself with you. I try to be vulnerable and transparent. I try to feel my feelings and observe what comes up.

And I know you are working through a lot right now. You are in a rare blank-slate season of life where you have the opportunity to create your life the way you want it to be. I think you have the consciousness and ability to see beyond your past and your circumstances and think outside the box to do something that really enlivens your soul. That’s a big job. And I don’t want to hold you back. I don’t want you to stay small. I want you to LIVE and FEEL and BE the powerful being that you are! To explore all the nooks and crannies that life offers!

So take your time. Be you. Find your way. I love you.