I talked to Shana yesterday and Ryan lost his mind... he's been punishing me since. He was sick...gave himself a sinus infection from not wearing a mask while sanding all day... sawdust and it infected his sinuses... he was genuinely sick...snotting etc...the last two days, but today was his "milking it" day and he did nothing... couldn't even help me to paint swatches on the wall. I'm just not interested... I pause my life to wait for him to process...to wait for him to smoke...to wait for him to ask google... to wait for him to find acceptance in his heart about something that's not even his business (me). It's 8/8:33. Today I saw 1:11 and 4:44. Yesterday I saw 11:11, 1:11, 2:22, 3:33, 4:44, and 15:55. (I also see 9:11 and 11:09 a lot and 12:13 and 13:12 and 13:13...etc.) LOTS HAPPENING.
But I have given myself away too much to Ryan. And he squanders me. And he doesn't even know if he wants me... he actually DOESN'T want me... he DOES... but he doesn't know it. He likes aspects of me... feeling like a man, someone who cares for him and cooks and cleans and does laundry... but he doesn't like my personality. He calls me crazy all the time. He insults me every chance he gets. He calls me awful names. I try to remain a compassionate witness but sometimes it hurts me. Today after I had spent all the money I didn't have to buy him food (burgers and shrimp and cheese, etc.)... I wanted to grocery shop for him but he was sending me mixed messages the whole time... don't get the things he said...yes, do... etc. He's just suuuuuper bi-polar, unbalanced, egotistical, and self-centered.
I was counting on him to help me with my house but I think I need to just figure it out for myself. I'm on my own. He's not reliable. He sleeps half the day too. And doesn't like people. And talks badly about everyone. And swears every other word. And thinks he's the smartest person in the world and that everyone else is dumb. He's DISDAINFULLY prideful and it's gross.
I thought I could love him back to his center, but he's got to decide if he wants to do that for himself. I need to love MYSELF back to MY center. And take care of ME. Thank you God for this house... I will have to learn to be self-sufficient... I will have to overcome my own laziness.
Tomorrow, I will shock the well by myself. And paint samples on the wall by my self. And go buy a hose and some paint brushes by myself.
Thank you God.
I'd been asking him to come to my house for months... now that Paul's been out and it's been a week and he's been off all week and he still couldn't find it in his heart to have a meal or sleep at my house. (He came with me one day to get Moses. Maybe two days.) But this isn't the guy who said "you can do nothing wrong". This isn't the guy who was going to stand up for me to Paul. This isn't that guy. He said he backslid...and it's my fault. And he has and it's not.
But I am enabling his bad behavior and I don't want it.
He broke up with me tonight and I'll take it. I tried not to. I tried to love him. But he's right... I'm not being honest. If I was, I'd tell him to go suck it.
He didn't care about making my butt bleed. He is a dry drunk. He's sick and deluded and arrogant and living a small life. He can choose otherwise but I can't play hero/savior anymore. It didn't start like that. It started like Princess Code/fairytale...then turned to hero/savior and victim/victimizer. And I'm not interested in any of that.
My AG pick today: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Doublespeak
I definitely do this... from a state of confusion. And Ryan ALSO does it. We both do. But I need to focus on myself. And figure how I can "Speaking what you mean honestly and expressing clear, and accurate words, is extremely important. Say what you mean and do what you say." I have a hard time with this because I also want everyone to like me so I fear saying something that might hurt them and make me lose them.
But I need to find freedom from this fear and just BE ME!!!
The quote of the day was: "Don't Believe everything that you Think". ~Bumper sticker
...and my affirmation. Please let me integrate this....
22:22
I feel really hurt. To the point that I can't feel. I've given myself away. Disconnected from my own heart and from my own feeling. In order to connect to Ryan to try to love him to sanity.
I cannot.
Rest and take care of me. I've wasted so much time the last 4 months, just sitting with him... watching him smoke... hoping to rub off on him...and for him to rub off on me. To find and keep unity. It feels so good when we are... and when the demons come out it feels so bad.
Do me and let Ryan and every other person BE.
Rest and take care of me. I've wasted so much time the last 4 months, just sitting with him... watching him smoke... hoping to rub off on him...and for him to rub off on me. To find and keep unity. It feels so good when we are... and when the demons come out it feels so bad.
Do me and let Ryan and every other person BE.
Ryan doesn't like me for me. So that should be a wrap. Why do I keep pursuing it? Fear of being alone. Fear of losing that beautiful connection we HAD. Chasing the dragon.
He wants to sabotage it and blame it on me. The false accusations are rough. This is karma. This is what I did to to so many. How can I find and cling to ME and learn to be discerning about what is real and what isn't? I'm getting old. I don't want to be alone. Ryan and I compliment one another in skillsets...but our egos are both so big... and I want to point fingers but that's what he's doing to me and it doesn't feel good so focus on me. I *think* that he's like me 4 or 5 years ago and that he's going to have an awakening but he will have to choose that.
I don't know if I should delete this. I should just let him be. But I also don't want him to think I gave up on him. Which I kind of am.
It's button-pushing. I should just let him be.
I did.
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