Colored Glasses

Ryan is contentious about my "rose colored glasses". This morning, I realized he has "black colored glasses" on... most of the time. I try to see the good in people. He tries to see the bad. His focus is on people's flaws, issues, and perceived slights against him. He lives the epitome of enemy patterning. 

The goal of the invading entities which brought on the Lyran Wars, was to destroy access between the Universal Gates, Lyran Gates and Andromeda, to prevent any metaterrestrial Founder races from gaining access into the Milky Way system, and preventing the future seedings and incarnations of the Christos Founder Races DNA. But soon the Lyran Wars spread to the constellation of Orion and through the Metagalactic Core, where it became a war with those who wanted to dominate others in this system based upon the Victim-Victimizer fear-based mind-sets. This can also be called archetypal Enemy Patterning. Entities with the Service to Self ideology were attempting to enslave or eliminate those who followed the Law of One, with the ideology of Service to Others that held love-based mind sets.^[1] https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Enemy_Patterning

Boom!

Ryan doesn't want to be happy. 

When he hears about who I am, he focuses on the bad. I read to him about my continual struggle with control and fear and surrender... I read him the 3 blogs I did for Michael's site. But all he sees is bad in me. 

I'm torn because I love him... but I am starting to try to turn it off. It's too painful. He wants to be alone. I should just let him and be friends, if he wants. The problem is that I feel that down the road we will be together when he figures his shit out... and in the meantime I DO need him ... his wisdom and support with the house are integral pieces to moving into this new chapter. So do I keep taking the abuse? It IS abuse... he swears at me and calls me names and tells me all the bad things about me and doesn't believe in me and doesn't believe in us. He likes and insists on me doing the cooking, otherwise he's not going to eat healthy... it's a threat. But he's not healthy... smoking and whatever... but he could be...and he's going in the right direction...but it is at my expense. Am I okay? Yes, I'm okay. Can I maintain my sense of joy and gratitude and alignment....yes, I can. Can he have perceptions of my stupidity and can I keep that from tainting me? I don't know... I feel like it is... like his disdain about my interests is creating a layer of shame.

___

YES GOD! Thank you!! Finished and sent this to Ryan at 11:44

Carissa Wages, [Jul 3, 2023 at 11:44:25 AM]:

First off, let me remind you that my heart and soul loves you deeply. There is nothing I want more than to live out the fairytale that could be our life together if we so choose. That said, I want to share some understandings that are coming through for me.

1. I realize you don’t like me the way I am. That hurts.

2. We both are human, hence we are here in this body, on this earth, at this time, to work out some stuff… personal, ancestral, collective…wherever it sources from, we have STUFF. That’s what’s up. That’s what life is all about… exploring and overcoming. Transmuting trauma into peace and happiness for our souls. The rest is window dressing. 

3. We can choose to work together and walk together as we work through our own stuff, or not. But my stuff is my stuff and your stuff is your stuff. I know that your stuff will sometimes splatter me and I need to be willing to wipe it off and keep moving, or I can say that I’m not willing to get splattered by your stuff and stay further away. (This analogy is pinging me to consider that sometimes we have so much of our own mess that we can’t bear to get another drop of anyone else’s stuff on us… OR we can be so dirty that a few more specks doesn’t feel like it makes a difference, but it really may… there are two ways to think of that.) I digress…

The same goes for you…. my stuff will splatter you sometimes (my control dramas, fear, etc.) and you have to decide if you have enough margin to be willing to deal with that (with love), or not. Right now, it feels like maybe you don’t. And there’s nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing wrong with anything you choose, Ryan. This is YOUR life and walk and path and you get to do with it what you choose. Of course I HOPE and WANT you to choose me. You hooked me… I wish you hadn’t because I fell HARD for you, but you did and so now we both have this to work with and through.

4. I wear “rose-colored glasses” but I realized this morning that you are wearing “black-colored glasses”. My idealistic view looks for the good in people. You look for the bad. You look for how they are wrong and bad. 

5. Hurt people hurt people.

6. Keeping your focus on everyone else’s shortcomings keeps you from looking at your own. It is also an ego mechanism to bolster yourself so you don’t feel so bad about yourself. If you can make others bad and wrong, then you inflate your own standing in your eyes as good and right. 

The truth is that you are a MAGNIFICENT man and being! You have a heart of gold! At your core you are kind, generous, talented, intelligent, and  fun! I love you and want to continue to do life with you, but I also am willing to honor your need for space to figure out who YOU are and what YOU want. 

You were right last night when you said I didn’t know who I was…. at least when I wrote that blog for Michael, that was true. But even at that time I was many years into the journey to discover myself… and since then I have made great strides in getting to know and love myself just as I am! That’s why I’m unapologetic about your perception of me as “crazy”, because it’s okay…I am who I am and I LIKE ME. If you don’t, then there’s nothing I can do about that. It makes me sad because as I said before, I want to live out the dream of a loving union with you, but I can’t control it…. although I try sometimes (often)…because I want my way. My way being unity, love, peace, happiness with YOU. 

Again, I DO CONTINUE to work on myself and as I’ve shared with you, lots comes up through our interactions that causes me to see more of myself. It’s very painful but I’m very grateful to God for it. It is clear to me that you do not know or understand the work that I’ve put in… but it’s also not necessary that you do… that’s MY work for MY soul and it’s between ME (my Godself) and me (my earthself) as it should be.

I try to share myself with you. I try to be vulnerable and transparent. I try to feel my feelings and observe what comes up.

And I know you are working through a lot right now. You are in a rare blank-slate season of life where you have the opportunity to create your life the way you want it to be. I think you have the consciousness and ability to see beyond your past and your circumstances and think outside the box to do something that really enlivens your soul. That’s a big job. And I don’t want to hold you back. I don’t want you to stay small. I want you to LIVE and FEEL and BE the powerful being that you are! To explore all the nooks and crannies that life offers!

So take your time. Be you. Find your way. I love you.