Fear of being alone

Ryan broke up with me last night...well, the other night, but I didn't accept it until last night.

My heart feels so broken. I cried for 30 minutes solid... SOBBED ... the other night. And that helped.

A song just came on that said "SLOWWWW DOWNNNN". This is a message from God. This whole song is. It's a Nahko song. 

I don't know if it's fear of being alone that ... it IS fear of being alone... but also "fear of losing love"... and "fear of aggression"... those came up in the Edwige session and I see how I'm working with that with Ryan.... worked on it with him. And I need to just let it go. He's so angry and he doesn't like me for me. I rub him the wrong way. I can't be me. I trigger him. And I DO see how I second guess everything he says. And I am always trying to change him (today it's to show him how eating massive containers of deli/lunch meat each day may not be good for him. Talk about blood pressure raising.)... but I'm just really messed up. Co-dependant. Controlling. Fearful. Untrusting. Prideful. 

I always day-dream about Jeff when things go south with my boyfriends... but Jeff isn't my guy. He's my friend, but he's so broken he can't even be my friend. NO MORE BROKEN BIRDS. I AM the broken bird that I must love. I must find my own strength. My own stability. Once I get in my new house I can find some peace and centering and self-care practice and meditation... I'm just falling apart. I haven't felt that I had a HOME/homebase since Ryan and I got together and Paul wouldn't let him come over so I was always at Ryan's... not here.... and not with my animals enough. I'm just tossed to and fro. And I'm tired. But God has me. Thanks be to God and my guidance teams... I'm okay. I'm held. I'm loved.

I don't need a man... and the right one will love me naturally... I don't need to do anything. I don't need to work so hard to be what they need... I just will be. They will love me for me. And they will SEE me and know my heart and hold me and be a place of safety for me. But the truth is that I need to be that for myelf. I AM MY LOVER AND FRIEND. 

I'm so sad.

So alone.

So broken.

Weary soul.