Grateful for Ryan

I have had two amazing days in a row with Ryan. Yesterday I came home from work and he had left a giant bouquet (made up of 2 bouquets) of flowers for me that he arranged himself! And he took the dogs and I on a walk and lit the burn pile on fire and brought the tractor over to tend to it and moved Sioux's poop pile back and after Corie left we had a nice late dinner together with Jeopardy and a really great and tender loving encounter... a nice nice night. And today he got up early and drove me to Raleigh and waited for me while I had my teeth cleaned/dentist appointment and we went to Costco and had QUITE the shopping trip, but it was really fun and easy going. We had a nice drive home and we hung out at his house talking for a while about spirituality and quantum physics and he didn't even get mad at all... it was a great conversation! And then I went home for a bit and did some Malai and animal chores and prepared dinner and he came over for dinner and we chatted and looked at my leaking porch and downloaded and started exploring Cronometer which was very interesting to him to see how many calories food actually had. And we went through our Ireland itinerary play-by-play. It was just really really nice. It feels so good when we're in a groove together. When I don't trigger him. When he's strong in himself and unrattled by my sometimes kooky energy. Yesterday he was so strong for Sunshine and I as the smoke made us nervous from the burn pile... I was really nervous about that thing but it's burning... it's been raining for a day and supposed to continue so I think it will go out, but it was good to see that it wasn't as scary as I thought it might be.

Donnie has done miracles with my house - the yard looks INCREDIBLE! He did his first cut the other day and cleaned out garden beds and everything. It's beautiful!

Yeah, just a good day. We picked out some stuff for his Dad's birthday together too. Just ... ah. So cozy and right. I love him. I really do. He's my guy. If only we can find our groove and keep it. I'm grateful he's starting therapy next week. Hope it's a good fit. God's will be done. 

Thank you God for a beautiful life!

Supplements

My friends the plumb line helped put my mind at ease and support me. I understand it will be in my best interest to take 

• 3 paramin a day
• 2 ARL kelp
• 1 99mg potassium
• 1 probiotic

And to just eat meat (...and dairy and eggs)

This should help my nail bed... that is showing that I'm experiencing a calcium deficiency. I thought maybe anemia but I'm not getting an answer on that and I think it's okay. Focus on getting the rest of the diet right. :)

____

I saw 2:22 and 3:33 and I think 1:11 on the periphery. All were in military time though.

I've just had a very big cry/scream session... very big. Very "mental breakdown"... thank you God. Triggered by Ryan continually being mean...arrogant...rude... he punched me and minmized it (an open hand hit and I was closer than he thought)... I second guessed what he was doing again (fixing my hot air balloon kite thing)... but then we had a plan and he left... it was all so upsetting. I'm already full of sadness and madness today and I'm so glad I got to cry it out. I'm spent. But I'm going to walk the dogs...but I want to be done done with Ryan. He came back and saw me like that... uncontrollably crying and screaming and wrything with birthing pains from these big feelings in my bed and he stood at the door yelling insults at me. Zero compassion. He says he cares about animals but I was in a most animalistic state of pain and suffering and he didn't care. Or he didn't allow his heart to open and feel it. I think a lot of these were his feelings anyway... and certainly feelings kicked up by his energy and behavior. But I see now. He is NOT the guy for me. He thinks so highly of himself and a lot of that is my fault as I've been speaking life into him for a year... but he doesn't see the truth. And I thought he did the month we met and I've been chasing the dragon ever since. He's not the guy. I don't even want him in my life anymore. I can't be myself. I can't talk about or feel into the things that are interesting to me (consciousness)... I can't be myself. He rains insults upon me whenever he can. He's not the guy. He openly admits to not liking me...he wants to... and he likes some things about me. He wishes he could, but he can't. And that's that. Close the door so I can go find another. 

And go walk my dogs. 

I love you Carissa. I love you.

______

Super duper done with Ryan. He has been unkind, taking every opportunity to insult me. He doesn't have empathy or compassion and makes fun of me. Just now we went on a walk with the dogs and he ruined it.... and I rose to the occasion. Responding to his energy. The man leads. See that? Here are some notes I emailed myself:

You can be my travel companion. We have a lot of money into Ireland and I’m not interested in losing it (or the experience) either.

But you are not my friend and I don’t want to be yours anymore. You have liked what I do for you - how I make you feel, how I care about you, to be cared about so deeply. 

But you haven’t allowed your heart to be open to care about me back. Even when you talk about how you wish you could want me - that you want to want me, it’s never so you have someone to love, to give back to. To love and be loved in return is where the magic happens. It’s the act of giving- the act of kindness- that opens your heart. It’s hard to accept love too - that’s something hard too. 

Anyway, you have helped me a lot and I know you care - but it’s not open hearted - it’s with strings- what am I going to give you in return? That’s not love. 

I guess we’re all here figuring out how to open our hearts and how to be vessels to love the world, even with all its flaws.

I’m grateful.
Being called to surrender. Let go and let God.
I’m tired of wanting… of striving. I want to be me and that’s it. Let the rest of it blow away.

I accept myself in this moment just the Way I AM

___

Beginning of the end and the end of the end both at the SRaC greenway. Ironic. A year apart.

Ryan ruined the walk with his attitude, games, and insults. Refused to walk side by side. It’s just a picture of the mess.

It’s time.
Let him go.
Thank you God

___

When Ryan’s not in a good mood, no one is allowed to be in a good mood

He called me names - idiot, imbecile, stuff like that. And threatened to hit me or knock me out (because I was trying to help carry his smoothie container because he injured his nail). 

He smoked in our face, wouldn’t walk with us and turned around.

I did have a transcendant mirror exercise time before I went. And I know all of this is here to help remind me who I AM. Ryan does not suit me. 

I will miss our crossword puzzle Sundays and the rare times he wanted to talk about deeper topics. I won't miss being smoked out or insulted. I will miss feeling like there's someone who cares, someone to call. He's not the one.

Even today he was jealous of Chris Hortas (Nadia) until I told him who s/he was. He doesn't want me and doesn't want anyone to have me.

Oppenheimer alone it is. 

And I'm going to go to the gym. 

DO ME. 

____

Went to the gym. Found Ryan's phone in my car. Wanted to keep it to piss him off but decided that was mean so I brought it to him. Got to watch Oppenheimer with he and Jim tonight - very interesting and intense movie. There is a full Worm moon lunar eclipse tonight.

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/how-to-see-penumbral-lunar-eclipse-march-full-worm-moon/

The time Ryan came out to Sylva to meet Jannelle and I last year was during the Worm moon.

I'm a few days from my period so that explains some of the crazy today... as well as the full moon... and I'm grateful for every drop. Feel like I dropped a ton of density... stored anger and pain. Thank you God!

I'm not sure if I want to keep talking to Ryan. I missed him... I went over to sit/lay with him during the movie because I felt so lonely and it felt better to be with him.

But he's not much of a man. He couldn't hold space for me today - he had no empathy or compassion and did his best to make it worse. Throwing insults, picking on me. being his same ole self but worse. I need a break from him. And he's not good enough for me. I like how smart he is (tonight he was sharing additional facts about plutonium etc.... ), but he's arrogant and a blame shifter and has a lot of interpersonal relationship issues/inability to be kind. He's also not motivated to take care of me... I want someone who I can take care of who wants to take care of me too. The mutual benefits of a relationship - not just suck up all the good stuff and leave me wanting. He DOES help around my house - fixed Sioux's fence today (again) - and fixed the sink the other day. But he doesn't hold me or sleep with me and he smokes me out and is just gross. And is mean and insulting and even hit me today. (Luckily he didn't when I took his jug out of his hand - that would usually make him swing. He should be proud of himself for not.) 

It's just a rollercoaster.

I think there's someone wise and peaceful and loving and a strong male who isn't threatened by my (hopefully healing) masculine energy as I learn to soften and integrate humility, meekness, quietness. Can I do that? I don't know. God, can you show me?

Dark Matter

Ryan sent me this link yesterday:

Dark matter doesn't exist and the universe is 27 billion years old • Earth.com  https://www.earth.com/news/dark-matter-does-not-exist-universe-27-billion-years-old-study/

I stumbled upon this on LinkedIn today that spoke about it and was thought provoking

https://www.linkedin.com/posts/deepakchopra_cosmology-science-consciousness-activity-7177287983669157888-7TZc?utm_source=share&utm_medium=member_desktop

And I apply it to what I've heard in ES... and my thoughts and feelings about how it is all just programming, a story, an illusion, handholds for consciousness. When I smoked pot, for that hour, I lost all handholds to consciousness and was just sliding around. I remember thinking that way. And it was scary and I resisted it the whole time. (This was the one hit I took in Alaska with Paul of the pot from a dispensary.)

Anyway, much to think about. If I care.

I liked this article too (from a year ago)

https://deepakchopra.medium.com/the-world-is-magic-so-where-is-the-magician-2fceb44e1e27 

I'm being called back to consciousness and clarity and consciousness exploration and maybe Ryan can't come with me but it's between ME and me anyway and I've got these friends - these animal companions and tree companions and rock companions to help me. 

Just enjoy life, Rayah! I love you!

Today I think I'll get a massage, dog food, and a slow-feed bowl for sunshine. And chicken wings from wingstop!

And enjoy my day off!!!

Whooooo

Whooooo... just got home from another 15 hour day. This was County Commissioner Tony Braswell's Memorial Celebration. A dance and open bar and just a lovely time! 

I really enjoyed meeting (and dancing with and talking with) many people tonight. I hugged Leigh Anne .... I forgot her last name...and talked with Butch... I forgot his last name. I liked talking with Ryan's friend Jeffrey and with Ryan, even though I feel like a little weird.... I felt to give him my tigers eye stone and necklace/holder and printed him out something to tell him about it. Weird. But I liked him. I liked both those guys. And Todd and Shannon from The Town Florist... and Steve and Parras and Skyler from The Rolling Tavern and John (I think) the DJ. Just fun to work and play with these people. I danced.... and worked my BUTT OFF to help clean up and break down everything. Took almost 2 hours. But it went quick, I guess. 

I'm tuckered.

But I wanted to write that I saw and felt how nice it would be to be part of a family with money. I liked hearing about Jeffery's life and wife and current endeavors and heard a little about Ryan's commercial real estate and I saw their family and it was just lovely. My favorite lady that I met and danced with was a 2nd grade teacher for ... was it 28 years?? A lonnnng time whatever it was. No, she was a 4th grade teacher and Ryan's mom was a 2nd grade teacher. But Ms. Delaine was so sweet and talked to me for quite a while. ?We danced together. She asked where I was from ... southerners (and these were really Southern) are skeptical about us Yankees. But we love each other and shared hearts. I had such a nice talk with Ryan's mom too. And enjoyed meeting Todd, Ryan's brother. Just wish I could be near them all more. So it shows me that there IS another way. 

I called my Ryan on the way home and we had a regular conversation - but there were things I did that triggered him and it was awkward when he called me his friend... and he IS my friend and really just need to keep it at that. Don't I see that I could have an abundant life where I belong to/with someone who wants to belong to/with me. And if I'm not single, that makes it really hard. And I want to be with someone who gets me and likes me. These people are probably not them... Jeffrey had similar vibes, I would love to be friends with him. But he lives in Austin Texas with his wife and 7 year old daughter. Anyway.... I won't see them again. I was telling Ryan that I have these transcendant shared experiences with these event people and then don't see them again. 

Well my doggies are here to love on me... and I want to lay and play with them and take a shower and go to sllllleeeep. It's 11:32.

A good day. I love my co-workers too. We started the day singing "Arms Wide Open" by Creed together...singing and dancing and stretching. We laugh and play and talk and share... I'm SO LUCKY. I have the BEST job and BEST coworkers!!!

I had to call the Sheriff's office to find out where our officers were and ...this isn't journalworthy, but it felt important. I just am so grateful for my job and life and boss and coworkers and friends and home!!!

Projecting?

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Harnessing

My Ag pick today: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Harness

I have felt like my consciousness was being used elsewhere...that that's causing my brain fog etc... and now I'm wondering if it's actually this... harnessing. Seems like it might be. I AM GSF and do not consent to fracturing or stealing of my energy or consciousness or any part of my multidimensional bodies!

Very Very Bad to me

Up and down... up and down...

I'm tired. 
I don't want to be spoken to disrespectfully any more. I'm over the ego games. 

Tonight in walmart, the straw that broke the camel's back was when Ryan got angry at me for encouraging him to cancel his Amazon order from an hour ago. There was a button to do so and I didn't think he saw it or was confused (he's not the best with technology). But he took offense to me telling him to do something he already knew to do. I wasn't overstepping or pushy, just responsive. I know this situation could be one where I am acting all hoity toity and as though I know better... I was just trying to help. He was acting like he wanted help and was showing me the screen. Anyway... it shouldn't be like this, with so much strife.

I'll go to Ireland alone. 

He thinks it's okay to speak to me with vitriol, call me names and insult me and anything about me as much as he wants. I've been watching. And I feel neutral now even... but done. It's not okay.

"He's just not that into you"
If he were, he would treat me with kindness.

All the time.
I almost had to walk home in the cold but I looked it up and it was almost 2 hours walk and I'm in crocs so I got in the car when he offered me a ride - with the stipulation that we not speak.

I can't go to Ireland with someone like this. He's not safe. He could leave me in the wilderness. 

I'm not afraid.
But I'm also not THAT dumb. I'm sort of dumb in that I've put up with this a very long time.

But it's time to take my power back. 
I love me.
Grateful for gym time with Patti today. It made me feel strong. 
And great co-workers.
And my health.
I started back on my diet tonight. I bought the whole CarnivoreSummit series today too.
Back to me. 

I feel more empowered. I'm not sad. I'm breaking free! (Of my own mess... allowing myself to be spoken to and treated like that. No wonder I've gotten fat and ugly and rotting on the inside....I'm slumped and dumpy... because I have believed the poison that Ryan has been feeding me... I forgot how amazing and vibrant I AM.

I'm not dumb. I'm smart. I'm not stupid or crazy or a bitch or all the awful things that come out of his mouth. And it sounds not bad here, but if you could hear all he said, you'd be amazed... it's powerfully AWFUL. And I'm done. I don't even want him to apologize. I don't want him to talk to me at all anymore. I'm fine with being done. I think and hope... at least right now. But I do see that he's not my guy.... I need to wait for the One who will see and love and encourage and uplift me... who is interested in nature and spirituality and growth. Who has an open mind and wants to explore our bodies, minds, and souls together. That's not Ryan. Ryan has a very small life and mind. By God's grace, he is opening it, but not in enough time to be with me. 

Good to me

Ag Pick. https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Galactic_Federation
Been getting messages from them and grateful to God for the reminder to steer clear. And I can watch if I want to.

_____________

Ryan's just not into me.
I'm reading that book... "He's just not that into you: the no-excuses truth to understanding guys".... and it's right. Ryan isn't attracted to me, he doesn't want to touch me. My running after him and trying to help him doesn't help. Take it for what it is. It's so nice to have a friend like him, right across the street, and he loves my animals and is willing to help me. But he's not into me. It's confusing because sometimes he does call me because he's thinking about me. But he's trying to override it in his head... to choose to be attracted to me when he's not. I can judge and say that I can't live up to his porn-fueled expectations and frankly it will be hard for anyone ...but maybe God's got a lady out there for him and I will just ...must just...be happy for him when he finds her. But I want to save myself for someone who cherishes me and wants me and wants to live and grow and play with me. 

Ryan can be my friend. But stop lying to myself that maybe he'll come around.

And Aunt Brenda is dying. God, please comfort her and be with her and Cliff & Theresa. Thank you for them.

_________________

I’ve been reading the book “he’s just not that into you” all day today… And I got it in my head that Ryan is just not that into me, but he brought me dinner at work tonight and spent time with me looking over Ireland plans…and just now I got home after a very long day… 15 hours …And Ryan had worked all afternoon on my house to surprise me… He hand hewn my door thresholds…  hand made these thresholds from scratch… Out of Poplarwood… They are so special and perfect… And he fixed my lights… He’s taking really good care of me… So be grateful … And don’t think evil… And be happy… It is more than enough… I am blessed … abundantly . He is generous and talented and I am so lucky!

I think the books and Disney want us to have unrealistic expectations. This is love. Day in and day out.

Rescripting, etc.

I felt hurt when Ryan said that his sister’s boyfriend has been gone for a week and a half and I said that was sad and that we just want to be loved. And he said we’re dumb for putting our hopes in someone who doesn’t love us. We were talking about Shana, but we were talking about me too. Which means he was saying he doesn’t love me. And it hurt. But it’s true. And I just fell back into trying to love him. Wanting his love in return. Wanting to be with him. I have been seeing myself as his girlfriend again but we haven’t talked about it. I gave him a nice massage yesterday. He kissed me on the lips the day before … and then said that was weird and confusing and showed energetically that he regretted it. In the Lyra session I was called out for my “rescripting”, aka, using my mind to override the truth which is evident through my body which is that Ryan and I aren’t together/in love. We are friends. But I keep trying to force (push) more. One reason is because I don’t want to be alone and he’s the guy in my life. I also find parts of him attractive. I like his skillsets. Sometimes he’s physically attractive too. But he’s got ugly habits… meanness, smoking, swearing, laziness, ego, etc. Addiction/dishonesty/escaping. But I LOVE how he loves my animals. How we have fun traveling. How we have fun with whatever we do. I like being with him energetically on some level… even when it’s hard or we are arguing. But I am in discord with myself because I am giving myself away. And to someone who doesn’t want me. And my wanting him/pushing him, pushes him away more.

___

Had a really interesting day - up and down mood wise.

Lots of feelings around Ryan and our relationship or whatever it is.

Good dinner. Sweet Frog. I think I’m finally ready to let go of sweets. They do not make me feel good. Fuel my body.

I jerked Ryan off tonight. First time I’ve ever finished anyone that way. I put it in my mouth a little. He stuck his finger in my third eye area over and over when I told him I didn’t like that. He doesn’t love or cherish me. He likes the idea of me which is why he thinks of me and misses me sometimes, but when the real me is here, he takes that time to pick on me. 

I really needed/wanted to be touched and mentioned that and that’s when he stuck his finger in my forehead. First he answered by touching fingertips. 

I gave him a massage yesterday and didn’t do it with strings but I guess it kicked up a need in me for touch. Or desire.

But I feel gross and fat.

Wayne talking the way he did about his girlfriend affected me too. Why do we give ourselves away to these men who don’t cherish us?

My boys are my boys. They cherish me, and I them. I need to give more time and energy to them and to ME. 

____

Lyra's session notes. Very interesting and important and I need to feel into this.

___

My DOGS are my companions and guardians.

Scary Night

I had a bit of a scary night last night. I was doing the "Personal Mission Sphire & Omnidirectional Plasma Crown" meditation... lots of flowers. And about 12 minutes from the end, Moses came up and started doing that worried, soft lick, lay on me thing. He was obviously worried and shaken up and I didn't know why. I held him and tried to get through the meditation but my fear kept rising and in the end I had a whole night worth of panic attack. I tried taking a bath, going outside and grounding in the mud, breathing, lots of speaking out loud commandments of my space and protection and clearing. The Omni-Love Mother Arc meditation felt the best....most soothing. But I was really worried about Moses who was really worried about me. I had all the panic attack events - empty bowels, shaking, nerves, cold, buckets of sweat, fear, etc. I think I gleaned that I was transmuting some Ai and negative energies that I had been storing in my lightbody...possibly inverted Ruby anti-life energies. But it was definitely a challenging night. Very little sleep. I felt very much on the verge of cracking. I thought about going to Ryan's house for some of his masculine energy/protection but that could have gone either way. I thought about going to Michael's house for the same. But in the end, I needed to do this by myself and with myself. Sunshine was relaxed. It was a me and Mosey thing. My buddy. God, thank you for my boys and my home and today I told Ryan about it and he was really kind and said I should have gone over there. I was afraid I had opened a door and done that meditation without proper buffering and shielding and that I had cracked open a portal to some negative energy or something baaaaad and thought it would never end and that I would be stuck like that forever. Hell. Thank you for looking at this again now, Carissa. See how fear and anxiety and panic work. Breathe. Thank you God. Timeline Override. Lots of praying.