Rescripting, etc.

I felt hurt when Ryan said that his sister’s boyfriend has been gone for a week and a half and I said that was sad and that we just want to be loved. And he said we’re dumb for putting our hopes in someone who doesn’t love us. We were talking about Shana, but we were talking about me too. Which means he was saying he doesn’t love me. And it hurt. But it’s true. And I just fell back into trying to love him. Wanting his love in return. Wanting to be with him. I have been seeing myself as his girlfriend again but we haven’t talked about it. I gave him a nice massage yesterday. He kissed me on the lips the day before … and then said that was weird and confusing and showed energetically that he regretted it. In the Lyra session I was called out for my “rescripting”, aka, using my mind to override the truth which is evident through my body which is that Ryan and I aren’t together/in love. We are friends. But I keep trying to force (push) more. One reason is because I don’t want to be alone and he’s the guy in my life. I also find parts of him attractive. I like his skillsets. Sometimes he’s physically attractive too. But he’s got ugly habits… meanness, smoking, swearing, laziness, ego, etc. Addiction/dishonesty/escaping. But I LOVE how he loves my animals. How we have fun traveling. How we have fun with whatever we do. I like being with him energetically on some level… even when it’s hard or we are arguing. But I am in discord with myself because I am giving myself away. And to someone who doesn’t want me. And my wanting him/pushing him, pushes him away more.

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Had a really interesting day - up and down mood wise.

Lots of feelings around Ryan and our relationship or whatever it is.

Good dinner. Sweet Frog. I think I’m finally ready to let go of sweets. They do not make me feel good. Fuel my body.

I jerked Ryan off tonight. First time I’ve ever finished anyone that way. I put it in my mouth a little. He stuck his finger in my third eye area over and over when I told him I didn’t like that. He doesn’t love or cherish me. He likes the idea of me which is why he thinks of me and misses me sometimes, but when the real me is here, he takes that time to pick on me. 

I really needed/wanted to be touched and mentioned that and that’s when he stuck his finger in my forehead. First he answered by touching fingertips. 

I gave him a massage yesterday and didn’t do it with strings but I guess it kicked up a need in me for touch. Or desire.

But I feel gross and fat.

Wayne talking the way he did about his girlfriend affected me too. Why do we give ourselves away to these men who don’t cherish us?

My boys are my boys. They cherish me, and I them. I need to give more time and energy to them and to ME. 

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Lyra's session notes. Very interesting and important and I need to feel into this.

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My DOGS are my companions and guardians.