Supplements

My friends the plumb line helped put my mind at ease and support me. I understand it will be in my best interest to take 

• 3 paramin a day
• 2 ARL kelp
• 1 99mg potassium
• 1 probiotic

And to just eat meat (...and dairy and eggs)

This should help my nail bed... that is showing that I'm experiencing a calcium deficiency. I thought maybe anemia but I'm not getting an answer on that and I think it's okay. Focus on getting the rest of the diet right. :)

____

I saw 2:22 and 3:33 and I think 1:11 on the periphery. All were in military time though.

I've just had a very big cry/scream session... very big. Very "mental breakdown"... thank you God. Triggered by Ryan continually being mean...arrogant...rude... he punched me and minmized it (an open hand hit and I was closer than he thought)... I second guessed what he was doing again (fixing my hot air balloon kite thing)... but then we had a plan and he left... it was all so upsetting. I'm already full of sadness and madness today and I'm so glad I got to cry it out. I'm spent. But I'm going to walk the dogs...but I want to be done done with Ryan. He came back and saw me like that... uncontrollably crying and screaming and wrything with birthing pains from these big feelings in my bed and he stood at the door yelling insults at me. Zero compassion. He says he cares about animals but I was in a most animalistic state of pain and suffering and he didn't care. Or he didn't allow his heart to open and feel it. I think a lot of these were his feelings anyway... and certainly feelings kicked up by his energy and behavior. But I see now. He is NOT the guy for me. He thinks so highly of himself and a lot of that is my fault as I've been speaking life into him for a year... but he doesn't see the truth. And I thought he did the month we met and I've been chasing the dragon ever since. He's not the guy. I don't even want him in my life anymore. I can't be myself. I can't talk about or feel into the things that are interesting to me (consciousness)... I can't be myself. He rains insults upon me whenever he can. He's not the guy. He openly admits to not liking me...he wants to... and he likes some things about me. He wishes he could, but he can't. And that's that. Close the door so I can go find another. 

And go walk my dogs. 

I love you Carissa. I love you.

______

Super duper done with Ryan. He has been unkind, taking every opportunity to insult me. He doesn't have empathy or compassion and makes fun of me. Just now we went on a walk with the dogs and he ruined it.... and I rose to the occasion. Responding to his energy. The man leads. See that? Here are some notes I emailed myself:

You can be my travel companion. We have a lot of money into Ireland and I’m not interested in losing it (or the experience) either.

But you are not my friend and I don’t want to be yours anymore. You have liked what I do for you - how I make you feel, how I care about you, to be cared about so deeply. 

But you haven’t allowed your heart to be open to care about me back. Even when you talk about how you wish you could want me - that you want to want me, it’s never so you have someone to love, to give back to. To love and be loved in return is where the magic happens. It’s the act of giving- the act of kindness- that opens your heart. It’s hard to accept love too - that’s something hard too. 

Anyway, you have helped me a lot and I know you care - but it’s not open hearted - it’s with strings- what am I going to give you in return? That’s not love. 

I guess we’re all here figuring out how to open our hearts and how to be vessels to love the world, even with all its flaws.

I’m grateful.
Being called to surrender. Let go and let God.
I’m tired of wanting… of striving. I want to be me and that’s it. Let the rest of it blow away.

I accept myself in this moment just the Way I AM

___

Beginning of the end and the end of the end both at the SRaC greenway. Ironic. A year apart.

Ryan ruined the walk with his attitude, games, and insults. Refused to walk side by side. It’s just a picture of the mess.

It’s time.
Let him go.
Thank you God

___

When Ryan’s not in a good mood, no one is allowed to be in a good mood

He called me names - idiot, imbecile, stuff like that. And threatened to hit me or knock me out (because I was trying to help carry his smoothie container because he injured his nail). 

He smoked in our face, wouldn’t walk with us and turned around.

I did have a transcendant mirror exercise time before I went. And I know all of this is here to help remind me who I AM. Ryan does not suit me. 

I will miss our crossword puzzle Sundays and the rare times he wanted to talk about deeper topics. I won't miss being smoked out or insulted. I will miss feeling like there's someone who cares, someone to call. He's not the one.

Even today he was jealous of Chris Hortas (Nadia) until I told him who s/he was. He doesn't want me and doesn't want anyone to have me.

Oppenheimer alone it is. 

And I'm going to go to the gym. 

DO ME. 

____

Went to the gym. Found Ryan's phone in my car. Wanted to keep it to piss him off but decided that was mean so I brought it to him. Got to watch Oppenheimer with he and Jim tonight - very interesting and intense movie. There is a full Worm moon lunar eclipse tonight.

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/how-to-see-penumbral-lunar-eclipse-march-full-worm-moon/

The time Ryan came out to Sylva to meet Jannelle and I last year was during the Worm moon.

I'm a few days from my period so that explains some of the crazy today... as well as the full moon... and I'm grateful for every drop. Feel like I dropped a ton of density... stored anger and pain. Thank you God!

I'm not sure if I want to keep talking to Ryan. I missed him... I went over to sit/lay with him during the movie because I felt so lonely and it felt better to be with him.

But he's not much of a man. He couldn't hold space for me today - he had no empathy or compassion and did his best to make it worse. Throwing insults, picking on me. being his same ole self but worse. I need a break from him. And he's not good enough for me. I like how smart he is (tonight he was sharing additional facts about plutonium etc.... ), but he's arrogant and a blame shifter and has a lot of interpersonal relationship issues/inability to be kind. He's also not motivated to take care of me... I want someone who I can take care of who wants to take care of me too. The mutual benefits of a relationship - not just suck up all the good stuff and leave me wanting. He DOES help around my house - fixed Sioux's fence today (again) - and fixed the sink the other day. But he doesn't hold me or sleep with me and he smokes me out and is just gross. And is mean and insulting and even hit me today. (Luckily he didn't when I took his jug out of his hand - that would usually make him swing. He should be proud of himself for not.) 

It's just a rollercoaster.

I think there's someone wise and peaceful and loving and a strong male who isn't threatened by my (hopefully healing) masculine energy as I learn to soften and integrate humility, meekness, quietness. Can I do that? I don't know. God, can you show me?