It's Still Ryan

He's my guy. I just love him and my soul is happy with him. I like to be with him. We are working toward truth and finding our way. He is respectful of me and guarding his mouth - not swearing, or trying to harm me and is listening and building me up. God, please let it stay this way. It feels so nice! He said yesterday that he can't wait to make me his wife. He really seems to have shifted and sees and wants a future with me. 

After feeling into a life with other people (specifically Tim... just thinking about it and fantasizing and wondering....) I realize that it's RYAN I want. I want to BUILD and CO-CREATE with Ryan. He is my dream man - his love for animals, his sensitivity, his ability to build, and just who he IS, even when challenging, is just my soul's counterpart. I like figuring it out with him. Even fighting with him feels like home. (I hope we can change that. We hope to institute the Japanese practice of "MA" or something like that where if you disagree, you sit together in silence and regulate your nervous systems BEFORE you discuss.) 

I like his manliness and the way he takes charge in certain ways and his curiosity and the questions he asks to get to the bottom of things. I would sweep them under the rug, but he is interested in repair. I like his compassion for me when I am having a hard time and how he wants to help me do the right thing. 

Update on Ryan and my pillars

It's all so dramatic and up and down and I want to get off the crazy train.
HOWEVER, we had some notable experiences....we made incredible love (soul connecting) and I am grateful for it. He said we should know in 2 weeks if we were going to make it or not and by day 2, we were not. He had said he was going to accept me as I was and his work was to focus on his reaction on on trying to change me. However, that very night he said he knew he shouldn't but he wanted to look in my backyard and asked me to start using the phrase "in my opinion" when I said anything to him (at all really). He said my pride and ego triggered him and he needed me to say that. (The topic was a conversation from earlier in the day where I said that he puked in the mornings... I thought he told me he did. But apparently that wasn't true to him. I rebutted by saying that I wished he had not deleted our Telegrams because I was sure he said it in notes to me, but that infuriated him more and he felt I was being argumentative. We just don't understand one another and he is very sensitive. It set off a bomb and he was, IMO, unreasonable and I couldn't be around him and I'm glad he left my house. I asked him to leave as he started streaming insults and lies and names and a tornado of twisters.... it was just unpleasant. Last night it happened again (he tried to do the right thing by helping briefly with popcorn although I had done most of it by the time he got there).... but we started arguing again. I was trying to help him see something (how he insulted Paul for taking advantage of me but Ryan has taken much more... and he refuses to see it. He promised plumbing work and a vapor barrier for the Ireland trip and never did it. He promised to help Page at her farm for all she's done for her cats and he never did it (before his surgery). He just puts everyone on the back burner. He didn't take care of his sister's house when he lived there for years. He's just not motivated.
So. I love him but I have work to do on myself. 
I want to be single.
Ryan was jealous after I went on a walk with Tim which was really good, BTW. I am glad to have friends. But I need to focus on myself. I need to make love to myself and find satisfaction within myself. I created a list of values (inspired by a conversation with Tim) and I want to LIVE THIS:

Pillars / Values

Embodiment of (and alignment with) my Godself/Higher Self/ Source Energy through the practice of:

Meditation

Opening my heart

Fostering a spirit of kindness and compassion

Mindful integrity and searching for deeper truth within myself (identify where I have deceived myself or been deceived)

Consciousness exploration and polarity integration 

Adventure/Exploration of the earth (and beyond when called) … but on this plane, FEEL into nature, gridlines/hubs, energies, communities, people, animals/beings

And attention to:

Health and nurturing my body and environment 

Be Love Now

Respect the sovereignty of all beings and the path they choose

Discipline (I have a LONG way to go with this but it must be on the list so I can bring focuses attention to it.)

Characteristics of being

Attentive to Presence

Compassionate witness

Practice Non-attachment 

Attitude of Gratitude 

Summed up in:

WE ARE

Shoot so if I distill that down (yet parse it out from my mission statement (WE ARE), my pillars may be:

Embodiment

Love

Adventure

Carnivore Aurelius' Book List

Some great ones on here. Want to keep for when I'm ready for another book:

MOOO,

Almost nothing has changed my life more than books....other than steak and beef liver.

But books are like steak for your mind. Reading the right book today is like learning from a great mentor or master that we no longer have.

It's the antidote to our societal brain rot. Forcing you to confront new ideas, sit with something and concentrate for an extended period of time.

It's nourishment and weight lifting for your mind, and one of the keys to living a great life today.

Here are my favorite books...but warning, these may turn you into a total black sheep weirdo if you're not already

Philosophy

• Meditations — Marcus Aurelius
• World Philosophies — David Cooper
• Reality Transurfing — Vadim Zeland
• The Republic -- Plato
• The Unsettling of America — Wendell Berry
• Geneology of Morals -- Frederich Nietszche
• Materialism Is Baloney — Bernardo Kastrup
• The Odyssey — Homer

Spirituality  

• The Untethered Soul — Michael A. Singer
• Tao Te Ching — Lao Tzu
• Tuesdays with Morrie — Mitch Albom
• Sunyata: Life and Sayings of a Rare-Born Mystic
• I Am That — Nisargadatta Maharaj
• The Courage to Be Disliked -- Ichiro Kishimi
• Awareness — Anthony de Mello
• The Surrender Experiment — Michael A. Singer
• Be Here Now — Ram Dass
• Let the Moon Be Free — Eric Baret
• Conversations with God — Neale Donald Walsch
• Return to Love — Marianne Williamson
• The Gift — Hafiz
• I Am — Jean Klein
• Radical Acceptance — Tara Brach
• Letting Go — David R. Hawkins
• The Work — Byron Katie
• Frederick Dodson (various works)
• Let the Moon Be Free — Eric Baret 

Health, Energy & the Body 

• Breath — James Nestor
• Healing Is Voltage — Jerry Tennant
• Electric Body, Electric Health — Eileen McKusick
• Life Energy / Life Force — John Diamond
• Nutrition and Physical Degeneration — Weston A. Price
• Deep Nutrition — Cate Shanahan
• How to Heal Your Metabolism — Kate Deering
• Limits to Medicine — Ivan Illich
• Medical Nemesis — Ivan Illich
• Atomic Habits — James Clear
• Mastery — Robert Greene
• Biogeometry -- Ibrahim Karim

Masculinity

• The Way of the Superior Man — David Deida
• King, Warrior, Magician, Lover — Robert Moore & Douglas 
• Femininity Women who run with wolves  

Literature and Poetry

• All the Pretty Horses — Cormac McCarthy
• Gilead — Marilynne Robinson
• Zorba the Greek — Nikos Kazantzakis
• Song of Myself — Walt Whitman
• Pride & Prejudice -- Jane Austen

Business

• Zero to One — Peter Thiel
• Shoe Dog — Phil Knight
• Antifragile — Nassim Nicholas Taleb

Misc

• Surely You’re Joking, Mr. Feynman! — Richard Feynman
• Rupert Sheldrake (various works)
• Barbarian Days — William Finnegan

Let me know if you think I missed any

Enjoy
CA

Stop abandoning myself

I put away my "ascension glossary" and "ES" in some ways to try to keep Ryan happy. I am also trying to source truth from inside myself and those sorts of "programs" thwart that. But I like to keep an open mind to all things.... 

Looking up "Sextant Matrix" which is something Candice mentioned in her mini-reading yesterday. And I just realized the connection with Tim's last name "Sexton". Coincidence? Let me read about it:

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Sextant_Matrix

I want to share the note that I sent to Tim - it was good processing. 

Tim:

You're welcome! I'm glad you found some value in my ramblings!

I'm wondering about your paragraph in which you said, "I am really good at failing myself. I am not true to myself." First, knowing that about yourself is a super important realization. 

In what ways are you betraying yourself in relationships? (Just putting up with breadcrumbs, or is it more than that?)

What would staying true to yourself look like in a best-case scenario?

Me:

🙏

It starts with betraying myself in my relationship with myself. The biggest indicator is how I choose to abandon myself when it comes to nourishment. I have been on a lonnnnng journey of learning what is and isn’t good for my body and I know how my body wants me to eat YET I allow addiction and whatever devil lives in me that wants to kill me to take the reins when temptation comes around. I hope there is a way to find my way back to accountability and truth and respect and trust with MYSELF in this area and then hopefully it will grow into all areas of my life.

In relationships it is more about how I choose pleasing the other in order to try to earn their affection. It’s a pattern I started in childhood - trying to earn my parents approval. (I choose partners that are impossible to accomplish this with. They don’t have the capacity to love me because they haven’t yet learned to love themselves. And obviously I haven’t yet either ….but I’m making progress.) 

Ultimately I think a true/healthy relationship looks like two whole people who love themselves and are working on their own healing side-by-side. Supporting and cheering for one another, but recognizing that they can’t save (or change) the other. (As I’ve alluded to, I’ve often gotten caught in the hero/savior patterning… thinking that if I save someone and give them everything they (think) they need, that I will earn the security/love I am desperate for.)

So I give and give and give … pour my energy and resources into someone/something outside of myself (throwing it away essentially) instead of into myself like a beautiful Tororoidal Field! 

FYI When I use terms like bread crumbing or complain about a certain dynamic, that is a symptom of my own self-abandonment. I own my life. I am not a victim. I have co-created and chosen that for a reason. But the more I ignore it - the more I make excuses and give my power away over and over again, the harder it is to climb out.

(No doubt I have created a doooooozie to climb out of. Ha!)

Well, this has been another novel, and I can’t even tell if I answered the question… This is too long to be able to scroll up to review what you asked. C’est la vie!

I’d ask you the same question… But it might not apply… So let me go review your question and give you your homework in a follow up text. 😅

_____
Note to Ryan:

I'm glad you found your phone (and Munky!!)! Thank you for your humble message and I DO hear you about how it made you feel that I was talking to someone else yesterday. (Today I've been talking to Misha all day but I doubt it feels as bad because she's a girl.)

Ryan, we love each other and have for a long time..but still, it's not enough for both of us to commit to a healthy relationship. Perhaps it's like you said before, that you aren't "in love" with me... you love me but it hasn't been enough to move the needle. I wonder if we just missed the boat? 

Anyway, I have to decide what I want.... and then learn to love and care for myself in the way that I wanted my partner to. My desire for a partner shows that I have work to do on myself still and there's no shame in it. This is a life full of growth opportunities. 

I can't continue the "insanity" of doing the same thing and hoping for different results. I have work to do on myself and the only way to grow is to move forward. 

You, in your natural, humble state are my ideal man. Strong, intelligent, interested in spiritual matters, can fix things, handsome, funny, loves nature and animals. But your dysfunction - attachment and intimacy issues, addiction, avoidance, reliability issues, lying, anger, arrogance, verbal abuse and pride are not attributes I want to invite into my daily life. I appreciate that you are working on most of these and if we had found a way to love and accept one another - understanding we are human and been there to support and uplift vs. change and tear down, we could have written another story.

I want to be single. I want to have friends. I want to be free to explore what moves me and makes me happy. I would have loved to do that alongside you, but your insecurities lock me down and try to control me and you aren't even at a place to understand what I'm saying, let alone address it.

You have made it clear that it's not safe to speak freely to you. I can't be open and expressive unless you are in the right mood and even then I might trigger you. I don't want a relationship where I have to walk on eggshells. I don't want a relationship where someone gives me breadcrumbs to keep me hooked but not the whole loaf (or even a slice most of the time). 

We both need to work on our own security...to become secure people who love and know ourselves and can honestly and unabashedly advocate for ourselves in relationships. And if someone isn't a good fit, we don't have to take it personally. It just wasn't meant to be.

Again, I love and adore you. I want you in my life. I hope we can be friends. But I don't want to hope for a relationship with you anymore. I need to preserve my life force and invest it in myself. I have a lot of work to do, and this is the journey. 

What do you think?

____

The note I sent to Ryan:

I'm glad you found your phone (and Munky!!)! Thank you for your humble message and I DO hear you about how it made you feel that I was talking to someone else yesterday. (Today I've been talking to Misha all day but I doubt it feels as bad because she's a girl.)

Ryan, we love each other and have for a long time..but still, it's not enough for both of us to commit to a healthy relationship. Perhaps it's like you said before, that you aren't "in love" with me... you love me but it hasn't been enough to move the needle. I wonder if we just missed the boat? 

Anyway, I have to decide what I want.... and then learn to love and care for myself in the way that I wanted my partner to. My desire for a partner shows that I have work to do on myself still and there's no shame in it. This is a life full of growth opportunities. 

I can't continue the "insanity" of doing the same thing and hoping for different results. I have work to do on myself and the only way to grow is to move forward. 

You, in your natural, humble state are my ideal man. Strong, intelligent, interested in spiritual matters, can fix things, handsome, funny, loves nature and animals. But your dysfunction - attachment and intimacy issues, addiction, avoidance, reliability issues, lying, anger, arrogance, verbal abuse and pride are not attributes I want to invite into my daily life. I appreciate that you are working on most of these and if we had found a way to love and accept one another - understanding we are human and been there to support and uplift vs. change and tear down, we could have written another story.

I want to be single. I want to have friends. I want to be free to explore what moves me and makes me happy. I would have loved to do that alongside you, but your insecurities lock me down and try to control me and you aren't even at a place to understand what I'm saying, let alone address it.

You have made it clear that it's not safe to speak freely to you. I can't be open and expressive unless you are in the right mood and even then I might trigger you. I don't want a relationship where I have to walk on eggshells. I don't want a relationship where someone gives me breadcrumbs to keep me hooked but not the whole loaf (or even a slice most of the time). 

We both need to work on our own security...to become secure people who love and know ourselves and can honestly and unabashedly advocate for ourselves in relationships. And if someone isn't a good fit, we don't have to take it personally. It just wasn't meant to be.

Again, I love and adore you. I want you in my life. I hope we can be friends. But I don't want to hope for a relationship with you anymore. I need to preserve my life force and invest it in myself. I have a lot of work to do, and this is the journey. 

What do you think?

___ 

I rejoined ESF. The $22 plan. And I'm glad. For now. For one month. We'll see how it goes. But that's what I felt to do. And I feel to go to the drum circle tonight. And I felt to be single and clear about it. I don't think I even want to do the FWB. Just learn to make love to myself. Manifest the ravage and healing energy with myself. Learn to please ME. This whole thing is between ME and me. 

___

That Sextant Matrix post was FIRE. And I have been getting lots of numbers lately... always...but been more in tune again. It's 14:41 right now. And I was led to a post which led me to buy the book:
Michael S. Schneider's "A Beginner’s Guide To Constructing The Universe" about numbers and shapes and I feel like I'm in the flow again. The Sextant Matrix is what I am called to work on:

The Sextant Matrix is the instrument used to measure and set the angle and rotation of the energetic current between the gender centers in the various positions throughout the holographic template. When our gender center is splitting apart the internal polarity of energies, it is the Sextant Matrix which is inoperable, damaged or broken. This is why our bodies die on earth with excessive Molecular Compaction, and Aging Disease. The sextant matrix function is to designate the measurement of spherical angles and rotation of the counter spiraling energies that ultimately create a functioning merkaba layer at each completed harmonic triad level. (3D-6D-9D-12D)

Ultimately the Sextant Matrix function is to unify the internal polarity of energies through merging the gender centers and like an opening an umbrella, create the field burst which extends outward the merkaba field layer. The sextant matrix has been targeted by the NRG Gender Splitter technologies, and is a part of complex systems in which there are intended repair projects for the NRG related gender and sexual damage that is in the human physical body and Lightbody. Until we can heal Metatronic Reversal in the Monadic body, the Sextant Matrix clock harms our biological functioning, increases Aging Disease and is the reason we physically die. More research on this matrix is required.

14:44

https://www.constructingtheuniverse.com/geoman.htm

"Come into the light of things;
let nature be your teacher."

                                                        -- William Wordsworth

_____

Notes from Candice's mini-reading yesterday

Visions
Drinking from a well - wellspring eternal (Gabe)
timeline we are holding, organic timeline - heavy
Nourishing myself in the wellspring, Source Energy, source light - vitally important

Saw something I placed on my crown - like a tiara
crown reconfiguration

On a mountaintop - high place - scenic, panoramic view - heard "new horizon"
New timeline we are stepping into (beautiful but feels far away)

Bell ringing
maybe I'm a bell ringer or depositing something into people

Painting what I saw (on horizon or mountaintop)
Holding the vision in my mind - visualize it
Ability to manifest quickly and on a large scale - Sextant Matrix in place for everyone right now - using that to my advantage

Putting something in a locker
She asked "what"? and saw a fountain spewing 
Guard my solar plexus, guard fountains of living water carefully and intentionally
Don't overly give of myself right now

Cards:
3 of swords - ouch
8 of wands
Page of wands

heartbreak I am coming out of heartbreak to a new energy and a new beginning 
Has potential to be impulsive - try and stay as grounded as possible
"Heartbreak heartbreak ouch" 
Then new beginnings and new horizon I can see
But be careful to guard myself. Be careful not to be too impulsive, guard my solar plexus and fountain area

 

Freedom and Exploration

I want freedom to explore who I AM and what I want. God has arranged for this time for me. I want to be single. I want to date. I do NOT want to have sex with anyone except maybe Ryan. Maybe keep exploring sexuality with him but I should not get in a committed monogamous relationship with him. We tried to lock that down for a long time and there is a reason that the Universe didn't let that happen. Both of us have work to do on ourselves. Let him meet new people and learn what and who he wants. 

Maybe we'll both choose each other. But maybe we will drift away or maybe it will be heartbreaking when he falls in love with someone else. But I need to let go and let God (and Ryan).

And focus on myself and what I want. Talk to other people and make other friends. Learn to put myself first.

Come back to getting to know ME. I need to explore what happened to me as a baby. And I need to read my blogger blog from 2010 on....

And come back to my heart for God.... my prayerful gratitude. And books and rest and nourishment. Thank you God!

It's a beautiful complicated life

With all the intricacies of life, love, and dreams - we weave a fascinating experience together for our soul.

Not last night, but the night before... Ryan and I "soul connected" deeply... pleasuring and feeling one another and letting go of expectations.  Yearning and "making love" were all alive. The music which YT radio started from "Estes Tonnes" had that earthy feel, and native american chanting that took me to my sweet spot. I let go in my mind and allowed pleasure and Ryan was gentle and tender and I felt safe and held and we just enjoyed each other. I was fully clothed and just enjoyed rubbing and kissing. In the end I finished him (the way I do) and took him over the edge with powerful spiritual energy and I trust it was transformative for both of us. 

Still - it doesn't make him want to make me his one and only. And I want to feel that ...but God wants me to connect with others. Don't hide myself away... don't bury the pearl (well, I would hope my beloved would bury the pearl and buy the field)...but I am casting my pearls before swine and burying my talents. 

Ryan and I are not aligned in ambition or spiritual pursuit. He is open and interested and wants to learn as much as he can about as much as he can. We have great conversations and I love how he takes an interest in my thoughts about certain things. I need to gain confidence and practice sharing my thoughts on spiritual matters because we have so much damage and I tend to trigger him. Our egos rub badly.

I am enjoying talking to Tim and like the excitement and education that comes from talking to new people. Tim is a kindred spirit and feels like a soul brother. He and his friend David were so kind to go to the estatic dance with me on Saturday and we danced and danced together which was new for me. It was very moving (and now I'm so sore, haha!). And I had so much energy come up and I wanted to just hold Tim's hand and process in meditation in nature. Not with words, per se. It does seem like I've known Tim before in a past life. Anyway, he's still married and that makes him off the table for me - also he isn't interested in dating as he wants to work on himself and I'm in love with Ryan still. He's my hero when he helps me get hay (like yesterday) and takes me on walks with my boys and then we could feel our beautiful compatibility with sensuality and we know each other deeply. But it's not enough for him to want to commit to me. And so I have to stop waiting. That's the root of it. I've been waiting for almost 3 years now. So I am stopping waiting and I'm getting to know new people, building community and friendships.

I will want to have community and friendships forever - this is nourishing for my being and body and soul. If Ryan decides he wants to commit to me - then he will need to allow me to continue pursuing this an will need to address his jealousy. And will need to lock me down with love and security. 

Without it, I am a free agent. And it's fair for me to talk to other men. And I like it. But I feel like I'm cheating on Ryan. But I'm not. So stop thinking that way. And honor my privacy. Stop letting Ryan read my messages (even without permission).

I've also been working on my "save the Fire Tower" on Firetower Rd. project which has been really interesting and reminds me how much I enjoy sinking my teeth into a project.

Tim is on Bumble. That's interesting. Kaena met Matt on Bumble. 
I like a strong man like Ryan.... but is Ryan strong or closed/aloof? I want a man who wants to be responsible. I long for security. I'm afraid the Bumble men are not necessarily leaders...they like the women to pursue them. But maybe I do actually want equality now. Is this the neutrality from the polarities of feminism and misogyny? Tim drives a Prius. I like Prius' very much! My favorite soul sisters - Le'Anna and Jannelle - drive Priuses. But Ryan (could be Paul, but I think it was Ryan) used to make fun of men who did. That's not my belief so let it go. Feel into the truth of who I AM and what I THINK. He is probably more the kind of guy my masculine energy attracts... but I want to be soft and feminine. The truth of who I AM is probably somewhere in the middle. 

Up down up down up down

I need to be done with this up and down with Ryan. 
It's not safe, he's not safe. We talked for 2 hours last night and I thought we were making progress. Is it the 2 hours he spoke to his Mom and Sister today? I heard this morning in my book about men who are monogomous with their Moms and see how Ryan is that... Joe was too... as was Tyrone. Wow. Yeah, and Joe's and Tyrone's Moms were like me... this "nice guy" routine which was cloaking fear of abandonment, manipulation and using shame to control their sons (and others). 

You hear that men marry their mothers. God gave me these people to feel into it and learn. Did I learn?

Ryan's Mom, Laura, is more detached, but Ryan is wrapped up in love with her. There isn't room in his heart for more than his Mom, Sister, and now Dee, his Dad and cats. He is repairing the breech with his Dad. They are both doing the work, but his abandonment during Ryan's formative years created the man he is. And he is not an available man.

I need to stop wasting my time.
I wanted to keep him on the hook - offering sexual favors - for him to "be there" for me in case of emergency. But that is not a solid relationship. I am trading myself and giving away my heart and power to someone who doesn't deserve me. I see that sometimes we have potential... I think our "architecture" is designed to work together, according to astrology or the Pattern App anyway. Providing a reason to keep growing, but it's not with love.

It's possible that I won't have anyone. I need to just be okay with that and take care of my responsibilities on my own. 

I have been trying to help Ryan take advantage of free to low-cost therapy while he was out of work. I encouraged him to get food stamps and helped with that and this was another way he could help himself. But he's not helping himself, I'm helping him. "Help is the sunny side of control." I need to let go of him and stop trying to "get" anything from him. Just DO ME and forget him. And anyone. I don't need or want to attract another unavailable man/broken bird/project. I want to love myself and be enough and I want to LIVE and be happy and feel myself and find my OWN WAY. 

I have so many resources, so much spiritual and physical support. I have to stop making bad decisions for myself - specifically what I poison myself with... my "food". Eat well and move and breathe and meditate and be in nature and rest and be happy. I love you Carissa. Let this toxic person go. He's not trustworthy. Whenever I share something I'm working on ... when I am vulnerable ... he finds a way to turn it around and use it against me. He will not keep his eyes on his paper and turns it around and blames me. I actually feel like HE is a gaslighter and twister and liar too. But I can't tell him that and won't because he can't hear anything from me. If I say it, it's a weapon and a barb and it will hurt him more and I don't want to hurt him. I want him to start helping himself. And I need to make more friends but right now I can just be with me and love myself and lick my wounds. That's okay. 

I love you Cristybear.
You DO have Michael as a good friend.
Ryan is not. 

__

ps. It's confirmed that there IS e-coli in my water still. :(

Excellent vodcasts

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1ALkQMfkjc
Diary of a CEO and Dr. K
Dr K: We Are Producing Millions Of Lonely, Addicted, Purposeless Men & Women!

People looking outside of themselves. Narcissism. I mean...everything- mental health, life, relationships...so much good stuff! 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gryta3KZKU4
Diary of a CEO and Insulin Doctor

___

Ryan couldn't make time to acknowledge my text or text me back.
I called him because I needed a friend because I want to quit my job at Malai. I'm very frustrated and hurt. 

He said he was busy and shared that he had a PT appointment at 3:30. It was 1:30 when I called. He said that he saw a meme where if someone cared about someone they could make 8 minutes of time for someone and it could make or break the person in need ('s situation). 

Let's just be honest here. We aren't on the same wavelength. He's not my friend. He's not there for me and I have been there for him because of my "nice guy syndrome" and I'm done with all that.

___
I called back and apologized for being crunchy. He tried to be nice to me. 

We just need a reset.
I need a reset.
I need some time to myself. To take care of myself.

No more Miss Nice Girl

Oh mannnn, this book, "No More Mister Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover is a game changer! It's calling me out on some major issues... giving me understanding and context for my beliefs and behavior. It's all tied in to fear of abandonment and toxic shame. Wanting people to like me. Codependency. People pleasing. Conflict avoidance. My defense instead of acceptance when Ryan yells at me and strong aversion to being seen as "bad" is all wrapped up in this. I need to sit with it and heal it in me. Practice with safe people. Not sure that's foul-mouthed Ryan who has his own problems which he isn't willing to do work on while he's pointing the finger at me.
 
I have been dreaming lots. The other day I dreamt about Jeff going down into a tunnel underground and I was waiting on the surface for him to come up - hoping he would. I don't know if he did.

Last night I ran into Kelly Brogan and Lisa Renee (and Tomas) at a concert. Kelly was taking tickets. I had gotten a really fancy one from a neurosurgeon that seemed to like me but who I told Kelly I'd introduce her to and she lit up. She ended up calling me later - I had run away/left and she called me and I opted to come back. But I also ran into Lisa Renee... literally as I was turning a corner...and she looked at me with aversion and I could tell she wanted to get away from me. Tomas complimented my dress which made me look at Lisa's purple dress and I complimented her. But I think she started screaming something about the devil which made me think that I had demons in me so I got away from her as quick as I could.