Not last night, but the night before... Ryan and I "soul connected" deeply... pleasuring and feeling one another and letting go of expectations. Yearning and "making love" were all alive. The music which YT radio started from "Estes Tonnes" had that earthy feel, and native american chanting that took me to my sweet spot. I let go in my mind and allowed pleasure and Ryan was gentle and tender and I felt safe and held and we just enjoyed each other. I was fully clothed and just enjoyed rubbing and kissing. In the end I finished him (the way I do) and took him over the edge with powerful spiritual energy and I trust it was transformative for both of us.
Still - it doesn't make him want to make me his one and only. And I want to feel that ...but God wants me to connect with others. Don't hide myself away... don't bury the pearl (well, I would hope my beloved would bury the pearl and buy the field)...but I am casting my pearls before swine and burying my talents.
Ryan and I are not aligned in ambition or spiritual pursuit. He is open and interested and wants to learn as much as he can about as much as he can. We have great conversations and I love how he takes an interest in my thoughts about certain things. I need to gain confidence and practice sharing my thoughts on spiritual matters because we have so much damage and I tend to trigger him. Our egos rub badly.
I am enjoying talking to Tim and like the excitement and education that comes from talking to new people. Tim is a kindred spirit and feels like a soul brother. He and his friend David were so kind to go to the estatic dance with me on Saturday and we danced and danced together which was new for me. It was very moving (and now I'm so sore, haha!). And I had so much energy come up and I wanted to just hold Tim's hand and process in meditation in nature. Not with words, per se. It does seem like I've known Tim before in a past life. Anyway, he's still married and that makes him off the table for me - also he isn't interested in dating as he wants to work on himself and I'm in love with Ryan still. He's my hero when he helps me get hay (like yesterday) and takes me on walks with my boys and then we could feel our beautiful compatibility with sensuality and we know each other deeply. But it's not enough for him to want to commit to me. And so I have to stop waiting. That's the root of it. I've been waiting for almost 3 years now. So I am stopping waiting and I'm getting to know new people, building community and friendships.
I will want to have community and friendships forever - this is nourishing for my being and body and soul. If Ryan decides he wants to commit to me - then he will need to allow me to continue pursuing this an will need to address his jealousy. And will need to lock me down with love and security.
Without it, I am a free agent. And it's fair for me to talk to other men. And I like it. But I feel like I'm cheating on Ryan. But I'm not. So stop thinking that way. And honor my privacy. Stop letting Ryan read my messages (even without permission).
I am enjoying talking to Tim and like the excitement and education that comes from talking to new people. Tim is a kindred spirit and feels like a soul brother. He and his friend David were so kind to go to the estatic dance with me on Saturday and we danced and danced together which was new for me. It was very moving (and now I'm so sore, haha!). And I had so much energy come up and I wanted to just hold Tim's hand and process in meditation in nature. Not with words, per se. It does seem like I've known Tim before in a past life. Anyway, he's still married and that makes him off the table for me - also he isn't interested in dating as he wants to work on himself and I'm in love with Ryan still. He's my hero when he helps me get hay (like yesterday) and takes me on walks with my boys and then we could feel our beautiful compatibility with sensuality and we know each other deeply. But it's not enough for him to want to commit to me. And so I have to stop waiting. That's the root of it. I've been waiting for almost 3 years now. So I am stopping waiting and I'm getting to know new people, building community and friendships.
I will want to have community and friendships forever - this is nourishing for my being and body and soul. If Ryan decides he wants to commit to me - then he will need to allow me to continue pursuing this an will need to address his jealousy. And will need to lock me down with love and security.
Without it, I am a free agent. And it's fair for me to talk to other men. And I like it. But I feel like I'm cheating on Ryan. But I'm not. So stop thinking that way. And honor my privacy. Stop letting Ryan read my messages (even without permission).
I've also been working on my "save the Fire Tower" on Firetower Rd. project which has been really interesting and reminds me how much I enjoy sinking my teeth into a project.
Tim is on Bumble. That's interesting. Kaena met Matt on Bumble.
I like a strong man like Ryan.... but is Ryan strong or closed/aloof? I want a man who wants to be responsible. I long for security. I'm afraid the Bumble men are not necessarily leaders...they like the women to pursue them. But maybe I do actually want equality now. Is this the neutrality from the polarities of feminism and misogyny? Tim drives a Prius. I like Prius' very much! My favorite soul sisters - Le'Anna and Jannelle - drive Priuses. But Ryan (could be Paul, but I think it was Ryan) used to make fun of men who did. That's not my belief so let it go. Feel into the truth of who I AM and what I THINK. He is probably more the kind of guy my masculine energy attracts... but I want to be soft and feminine. The truth of who I AM is probably somewhere in the middle.
I like a strong man like Ryan.... but is Ryan strong or closed/aloof? I want a man who wants to be responsible. I long for security. I'm afraid the Bumble men are not necessarily leaders...they like the women to pursue them. But maybe I do actually want equality now. Is this the neutrality from the polarities of feminism and misogyny? Tim drives a Prius. I like Prius' very much! My favorite soul sisters - Le'Anna and Jannelle - drive Priuses. But Ryan (could be Paul, but I think it was Ryan) used to make fun of men who did. That's not my belief so let it go. Feel into the truth of who I AM and what I THINK. He is probably more the kind of guy my masculine energy attracts... but I want to be soft and feminine. The truth of who I AM is probably somewhere in the middle.
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