Looking up "Sextant Matrix" which is something Candice mentioned in her mini-reading yesterday. And I just realized the connection with Tim's last name "Sexton". Coincidence? Let me read about it:
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Sextant_Matrix
I want to share the note that I sent to Tim - it was good processing.
I want to share the note that I sent to Tim - it was good processing.
Tim:
You're welcome! I'm glad you found some value in my ramblings!
I'm wondering about your paragraph in which you said, "I am really good at failing myself. I am not true to myself." First, knowing that about yourself is a super important realization.
In what ways are you betraying yourself in relationships? (Just putting up with breadcrumbs, or is it more than that?)
What would staying true to yourself look like in a best-case scenario?
Me:
🙏
It starts with betraying myself in my relationship with myself. The biggest indicator is how I choose to abandon myself when it comes to nourishment. I have been on a lonnnnng journey of learning what is and isn’t good for my body and I know how my body wants me to eat YET I allow addiction and whatever devil lives in me that wants to kill me to take the reins when temptation comes around. I hope there is a way to find my way back to accountability and truth and respect and trust with MYSELF in this area and then hopefully it will grow into all areas of my life.
In relationships it is more about how I choose pleasing the other in order to try to earn their affection. It’s a pattern I started in childhood - trying to earn my parents approval. (I choose partners that are impossible to accomplish this with. They don’t have the capacity to love me because they haven’t yet learned to love themselves. And obviously I haven’t yet either ….but I’m making progress.)
Ultimately I think a true/healthy relationship looks like two whole people who love themselves and are working on their own healing side-by-side. Supporting and cheering for one another, but recognizing that they can’t save (or change) the other. (As I’ve alluded to, I’ve often gotten caught in the hero/savior patterning… thinking that if I save someone and give them everything they (think) they need, that I will earn the security/love I am desperate for.)
So I give and give and give … pour my energy and resources into someone/something outside of myself (throwing it away essentially) instead of into myself like a beautiful Tororoidal Field!
FYI When I use terms like bread crumbing or complain about a certain dynamic, that is a symptom of my own self-abandonment. I own my life. I am not a victim. I have co-created and chosen that for a reason. But the more I ignore it - the more I make excuses and give my power away over and over again, the harder it is to climb out.
(No doubt I have created a doooooozie to climb out of. Ha!)
Well, this has been another novel, and I can’t even tell if I answered the question… This is too long to be able to scroll up to review what you asked. C’est la vie!
I’d ask you the same question… But it might not apply… So let me go review your question and give you your homework in a follow up text. 😅
_____
Note to Ryan:
Note to Ryan:
I'm glad you found your phone (and Munky!!)! Thank you for your humble message and I DO hear you about how it made you feel that I was talking to someone else yesterday. (Today I've been talking to Misha all day but I doubt it feels as bad because she's a girl.)
Ryan, we love each other and have for a long time..but still, it's not enough for both of us to commit to a healthy relationship. Perhaps it's like you said before, that you aren't "in love" with me... you love me but it hasn't been enough to move the needle. I wonder if we just missed the boat?
Ryan, we love each other and have for a long time..but still, it's not enough for both of us to commit to a healthy relationship. Perhaps it's like you said before, that you aren't "in love" with me... you love me but it hasn't been enough to move the needle. I wonder if we just missed the boat?
Anyway, I have to decide what I want.... and then learn to love and care for myself in the way that I wanted my partner to. My desire for a partner shows that I have work to do on myself still and there's no shame in it. This is a life full of growth opportunities.
I can't continue the "insanity" of doing the same thing and hoping for different results. I have work to do on myself and the only way to grow is to move forward.
I can't continue the "insanity" of doing the same thing and hoping for different results. I have work to do on myself and the only way to grow is to move forward.
You, in your natural, humble state are my ideal man. Strong, intelligent, interested in spiritual matters, can fix things, handsome, funny, loves nature and animals. But your dysfunction - attachment and intimacy issues, addiction, avoidance, reliability issues, lying, anger, arrogance, verbal abuse and pride are not attributes I want to invite into my daily life. I appreciate that you are working on most of these and if we had found a way to love and accept one another - understanding we are human and been there to support and uplift vs. change and tear down, we could have written another story.
I want to be single. I want to have friends. I want to be free to explore what moves me and makes me happy. I would have loved to do that alongside you, but your insecurities lock me down and try to control me and you aren't even at a place to understand what I'm saying, let alone address it.
You have made it clear that it's not safe to speak freely to you. I can't be open and expressive unless you are in the right mood and even then I might trigger you. I don't want a relationship where I have to walk on eggshells. I don't want a relationship where someone gives me breadcrumbs to keep me hooked but not the whole loaf (or even a slice most of the time).
You have made it clear that it's not safe to speak freely to you. I can't be open and expressive unless you are in the right mood and even then I might trigger you. I don't want a relationship where I have to walk on eggshells. I don't want a relationship where someone gives me breadcrumbs to keep me hooked but not the whole loaf (or even a slice most of the time).
We both need to work on our own security...to become secure people who love and know ourselves and can honestly and unabashedly advocate for ourselves in relationships. And if someone isn't a good fit, we don't have to take it personally. It just wasn't meant to be.
Again, I love and adore you. I want you in my life. I hope we can be friends. But I don't want to hope for a relationship with you anymore. I need to preserve my life force and invest it in myself. I have a lot of work to do, and this is the journey.
What do you think?
What do you think?
____
The note I sent to Ryan:
I'm glad you found your phone (and Munky!!)! Thank you for your humble message and I DO hear you about how it made you feel that I was talking to someone else yesterday. (Today I've been talking to Misha all day but I doubt it feels as bad because she's a girl.)
Ryan, we love each other and have for a long time..but still, it's not enough for both of us to commit to a healthy relationship. Perhaps it's like you said before, that you aren't "in love" with me... you love me but it hasn't been enough to move the needle. I wonder if we just missed the boat?
Anyway, I have to decide what I want.... and then learn to love and care for myself in the way that I wanted my partner to. My desire for a partner shows that I have work to do on myself still and there's no shame in it. This is a life full of growth opportunities.
I can't continue the "insanity" of doing the same thing and hoping for different results. I have work to do on myself and the only way to grow is to move forward.
You, in your natural, humble state are my ideal man. Strong, intelligent, interested in spiritual matters, can fix things, handsome, funny, loves nature and animals. But your dysfunction - attachment and intimacy issues, addiction, avoidance, reliability issues, lying, anger, arrogance, verbal abuse and pride are not attributes I want to invite into my daily life. I appreciate that you are working on most of these and if we had found a way to love and accept one another - understanding we are human and been there to support and uplift vs. change and tear down, we could have written another story.
I want to be single. I want to have friends. I want to be free to explore what moves me and makes me happy. I would have loved to do that alongside you, but your insecurities lock me down and try to control me and you aren't even at a place to understand what I'm saying, let alone address it.
You have made it clear that it's not safe to speak freely to you. I can't be open and expressive unless you are in the right mood and even then I might trigger you. I don't want a relationship where I have to walk on eggshells. I don't want a relationship where someone gives me breadcrumbs to keep me hooked but not the whole loaf (or even a slice most of the time).
We both need to work on our own security...to become secure people who love and know ourselves and can honestly and unabashedly advocate for ourselves in relationships. And if someone isn't a good fit, we don't have to take it personally. It just wasn't meant to be.
Again, I love and adore you. I want you in my life. I hope we can be friends. But I don't want to hope for a relationship with you anymore. I need to preserve my life force and invest it in myself. I have a lot of work to do, and this is the journey.
What do you think?
___
I rejoined ESF. The $22 plan. And I'm glad. For now. For one month. We'll see how it goes. But that's what I felt to do. And I feel to go to the drum circle tonight. And I felt to be single and clear about it. I don't think I even want to do the FWB. Just learn to make love to myself. Manifest the ravage and healing energy with myself. Learn to please ME. This whole thing is between ME and me.
___
That Sextant Matrix post was FIRE. And I have been getting lots of numbers lately... always...but been more in tune again. It's 14:41 right now. And I was led to a post which led me to buy the book:
Michael S. Schneider's "A Beginner’s Guide To Constructing The Universe" about numbers and shapes and I feel like I'm in the flow again. The Sextant Matrix is what I am called to work on:
Michael S. Schneider's "A Beginner’s Guide To Constructing The Universe" about numbers and shapes and I feel like I'm in the flow again. The Sextant Matrix is what I am called to work on:
The Sextant Matrix is the instrument used to measure and set the angle and rotation of the energetic current between the gender centers in the various positions throughout the holographic template. When our gender center is splitting apart the internal polarity of energies, it is the Sextant Matrix which is inoperable, damaged or broken. This is why our bodies die on earth with excessive Molecular Compaction, and Aging Disease. The sextant matrix function is to designate the measurement of spherical angles and rotation of the counter spiraling energies that ultimately create a functioning merkaba layer at each completed harmonic triad level. (3D-6D-9D-12D)Ultimately the Sextant Matrix function is to unify the internal polarity of energies through merging the gender centers and like an opening an umbrella, create the field burst which extends outward the merkaba field layer. The sextant matrix has been targeted by the NRG Gender Splitter technologies, and is a part of complex systems in which there are intended repair projects for the NRG related gender and sexual damage that is in the human physical body and Lightbody. Until we can heal Metatronic Reversal in the Monadic body, the Sextant Matrix clock harms our biological functioning, increases Aging Disease and is the reason we physically die. More research on this matrix is required.
14:44
https://www.constructingtheuniverse.com/geoman.htm
"Come into the light of things;
let nature be your teacher."
-- William Wordsworth
_____
Notes from Candice's mini-reading yesterday
Visions
Drinking from a well - wellspring eternal (Gabe)
timeline we are holding, organic timeline - heavy
Nourishing myself in the wellspring, Source Energy, source light - vitally important
Saw something I placed on my crown - like a tiara
crown reconfiguration
On a mountaintop - high place - scenic, panoramic view - heard "new horizon"
New timeline we are stepping into (beautiful but feels far away)
Bell ringing
maybe I'm a bell ringer or depositing something into people
Painting what I saw (on horizon or mountaintop)
Holding the vision in my mind - visualize it
Ability to manifest quickly and on a large scale - Sextant Matrix in place for everyone right now - using that to my advantage
Putting something in a locker
She asked "what"? and saw a fountain spewing
Guard my solar plexus, guard fountains of living water carefully and intentionally
Don't overly give of myself right now
Cards:
3 of swords - ouch
8 of wands
Page of wands
heartbreak I am coming out of heartbreak to a new energy and a new beginning
Has potential to be impulsive - try and stay as grounded as possible
"Heartbreak heartbreak ouch"
Then new beginnings and new horizon I can see
But be careful to guard myself. Be careful not to be too impulsive, guard my solar plexus and fountain area
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