Oh mannnn, this book, "No More Mister Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover is a game changer! It's calling me out on some major issues... giving me understanding and context for my beliefs and behavior. It's all tied in to fear of abandonment and toxic shame. Wanting people to like me. Codependency. People pleasing. Conflict avoidance. My defense instead of acceptance when Ryan yells at me and strong aversion to being seen as "bad" is all wrapped up in this. I need to sit with it and heal it in me. Practice with safe people. Not sure that's foul-mouthed Ryan who has his own problems which he isn't willing to do work on while he's pointing the finger at me.
I have been dreaming lots. The other day I dreamt about Jeff going down into a tunnel underground and I was waiting on the surface for him to come up - hoping he would. I don't know if he did.
Last night I ran into Kelly Brogan and Lisa Renee (and Tomas) at a concert. Kelly was taking tickets. I had gotten a really fancy one from a neurosurgeon that seemed to like me but who I told Kelly I'd introduce her to and she lit up. She ended up calling me later - I had run away/left and she called me and I opted to come back. But I also ran into Lisa Renee... literally as I was turning a corner...and she looked at me with aversion and I could tell she wanted to get away from me. Tomas complimented my dress which made me look at Lisa's purple dress and I complimented her. But I think she started screaming something about the devil which made me think that I had demons in me so I got away from her as quick as I could.
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