Up down up down up down

I need to be done with this up and down with Ryan. 
It's not safe, he's not safe. We talked for 2 hours last night and I thought we were making progress. Is it the 2 hours he spoke to his Mom and Sister today? I heard this morning in my book about men who are monogomous with their Moms and see how Ryan is that... Joe was too... as was Tyrone. Wow. Yeah, and Joe's and Tyrone's Moms were like me... this "nice guy" routine which was cloaking fear of abandonment, manipulation and using shame to control their sons (and others). 

You hear that men marry their mothers. God gave me these people to feel into it and learn. Did I learn?

Ryan's Mom, Laura, is more detached, but Ryan is wrapped up in love with her. There isn't room in his heart for more than his Mom, Sister, and now Dee, his Dad and cats. He is repairing the breech with his Dad. They are both doing the work, but his abandonment during Ryan's formative years created the man he is. And he is not an available man.

I need to stop wasting my time.
I wanted to keep him on the hook - offering sexual favors - for him to "be there" for me in case of emergency. But that is not a solid relationship. I am trading myself and giving away my heart and power to someone who doesn't deserve me. I see that sometimes we have potential... I think our "architecture" is designed to work together, according to astrology or the Pattern App anyway. Providing a reason to keep growing, but it's not with love.

It's possible that I won't have anyone. I need to just be okay with that and take care of my responsibilities on my own. 

I have been trying to help Ryan take advantage of free to low-cost therapy while he was out of work. I encouraged him to get food stamps and helped with that and this was another way he could help himself. But he's not helping himself, I'm helping him. "Help is the sunny side of control." I need to let go of him and stop trying to "get" anything from him. Just DO ME and forget him. And anyone. I don't need or want to attract another unavailable man/broken bird/project. I want to love myself and be enough and I want to LIVE and be happy and feel myself and find my OWN WAY. 

I have so many resources, so much spiritual and physical support. I have to stop making bad decisions for myself - specifically what I poison myself with... my "food". Eat well and move and breathe and meditate and be in nature and rest and be happy. I love you Carissa. Let this toxic person go. He's not trustworthy. Whenever I share something I'm working on ... when I am vulnerable ... he finds a way to turn it around and use it against me. He will not keep his eyes on his paper and turns it around and blames me. I actually feel like HE is a gaslighter and twister and liar too. But I can't tell him that and won't because he can't hear anything from me. If I say it, it's a weapon and a barb and it will hurt him more and I don't want to hurt him. I want him to start helping himself. And I need to make more friends but right now I can just be with me and love myself and lick my wounds. That's okay. 

I love you Cristybear.
You DO have Michael as a good friend.
Ryan is not. 

__

ps. It's confirmed that there IS e-coli in my water still. :(