Conversation in my head

Here's some of the fantasy conversation in my head that I'm having with Matt:

When you said “I moved to Greenville to marry someone.” I felt/understood a big pot of pain associated with that and because I was chicken (or because I didn’t know you or because we were at work), I brushed it under the rug and gave you a big “Congratulations!” and you played along, “thanks”! 

I have been thinking about you every day since. Oh, I guess it’s less than a week, so hopefully this will all go away, but for now, it’s pretty intense. You have a powerful field and we have a powerful connection. I just realized that you are spotted too… just like all my favorite things. You are funny, kind, smart, and lovely. I wish I could get to know you. 

I am attracted to you. You may not be attracted to me because I am wearing my fat suit. But I’m going to rectify that in November…starting today, actually. 

You are beautiful. I felt good and whole when I was next to you. I felt that you resisted me. I was so happy when you came to lunch and then when the only open seat was next to me. I loved that we got to work together and when we would hand each other sweet potatoes… I loved working alongside you. I just loved being near you. 

If you’re not the guy - which you might not be because you are married, then I hope for a guy like you. 

I really like him. 
I like Ryan too but he's mean to me. Very confusing. And without the physical bonding, it is unraveling my loyalty and hope for Ryan. In some ways he is nice. He cleared the code on my car last night so I can get in inspected. We had a lovely date in Wendell and he came to surprise me at the Bentonville Battleground and stuck around to help clean up and help me unload at the office. 

But he takes every opportunity to heckle me and tear me down. He takes personal offense when I share my inner work with him. He is too immature and self-centered to hold space for me. 

So. I want to get ready for my true partner. I'm not ready yet. I need to get solid with myself and then the real guy will show up. Like Matt, walking over in a random field of sweet potatoes an hour and a half away. It could happen anywhere at any time. Will I be ready?

____

3:24... after Ryan. Man. I just love that guy and am friendly and kind and he just turns on me like a banshee... just sniffs out any crack to start chipping away at. I was in tears within an hour or so of his presence... I just don't need that. I want peace. I am kind and loving and giving and funny and sweet and I want to be with someone who gets and appreciates me. Ryan is not worth the stress. I appreciate that he can fix things and that we have good conversations sometimes....but his constant belittling and ego games and then turning it around on me. No thank you. That's what I did to Tyrone. No wonder he's done with me. 

___

saw 3:33 and stalked Matt a little more. He's young. (too. Born in 1979...same as Ryan. Strange. His DOB is 10/18/79)

Yeah.... okay... glad to have looked at this. It burst my bubble. I was being ... I can't think of the word... but rose colored glasses... silly. I'm glad it popped. 

I guess if Ryan were kinder and gentler and working on himself, we would be a good match. Heck, we ARE a GREAT match when he's not in one of his moods/headspaces. But he looks at me through enemy patterned eyes. And he's not willing to consider layers outside this plane. Today he said there are no other dimensions. Whatever. He knows he thinks there is. But he won't admit it. God's got someone for me. But the first and most important one is GOD and ME.... get right with these first.