Had a nice night with Ryan... some chores, bouncing around, baked the mail cookies for work, he was patient (mostly), but why does he have to insult everything I do or care about... including the mail cookies- he just said awful things about them the whole time. And we gorged at Buffalo Wild Wings - my fault. And had a sort-of weird sexual encounter...some fun sex and he was so sweet to care about Sioux, it's 19/11:19 and he was worried about her being cold so we brushed her and put her blanket on her. And he's good to the dogs. He pushed Moses kind of hard when he was stepping on his stomach. But he apologized. I wish things weren't so difficult for us. But I think we're making progress on our own paths so that's good.
I shouldn't have eaten that mail cookie tonight. (I had to try it and then I felt emotional and ate the rest of it.) But it wasn't as bad, or it was just as bad as all that sauce at Buffalo Wild Wings.
Anyway, here are some emails that I sent myself today when I was pondering things while in the pesticide school event.
Oh, and Paul wrote back "thank you." So that's good.
Oh and Ryan sent me a PubMed article and had been reading about something about nutrition and the body... so HE was responding to my heart's cry that I be with someone teachable. He had to throw it in my face that he's always willing to learn and that I'm not...which was weird but I just observed it ... I'm getting so much education on Narcissism through him too. More layers to peel back on my own wounds and behaviors. We are very similar and I believe we can heal in and through love. God's will be done.
______
I must feel the trauma bond with Matt Stevens too. I’m a stalker - looked at his FB page. He’s very sticky. That connection/energy. He probably has that effect on others too. I am daydreaming about reaching out, which is bad. And I’m not going to do it.
I’m in a room of mostly men - these rugged landscaper men - taking the pesticide course and exam. I love Ryan but don’t see a future with him unless something major changes. He’s egotistical, selfish, and a taker. Even the gift he gave me yesterday was written out to him as well and he said if we broke up, he was going to keep it. (Waffle maker.)
He expects me to cook for him (and cleanup- though yesterday I left the mess and expect it will still be there tonight). I come to his house, I give him love and sexual favors. What does he do for me - he lets me snuggle with him and watch football with him. He is usually mean and picks on me and puts me down and life surrounds his inclinations and schedule.
No empathy or understanding that I have 2 jobs, the house and animals to care for, and need sleep and help.
It’s just not healthy.
But it has purpose and I’m learning! God, please keep guiding and showing me my heart.
I left a message for Paul again today and that’s going to be it. I tried.
I have to stop letting people use and cord me with their aloofness.
I feel bad, like I’m betraying Ryan who doesn’t want me to talk to Paul. So I need to stop. For Ryan and for me.
I am super attracted to Ryan - he’s the height and build I love. He is smart, and we have the ability to have great conversations. We like to travel and explore together. I like being close to him.
If only he wasn’t such a jerk sometimes!
I wish he were open to learning and change and growth and healing. Maybe one day.
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