An Examined Life

 “An Examined Life” - this is the title that came to me to call my newest project. It’s a play on the quote attributed to Socrates about “An unexamined life is not worth living.” I don’t even know how that got in my consciousness, but there it is.

A month or so ago I was guided to start reading my journals.

I have been an avid journaler for much of my adult life and have a few child/teenage journals too. The thing is, I hardly ever, if ever, pretty much never read what I wrote. I have a huge online blog of journals, also my paper journals, and of course this ES journal, so it’s a big job to read all this stuff…. but I’m happy to do it.

Yesterday I finally started. (Note the approximate month of delay… maybe only a few weeks… but still. DELAY. Gah! I need to get better about that!)

I’ve barely touched on my 11 year old and 14 year old self’s thoughts and it’s very interesting… I can feel so much confusion and pain … heavy thick sad energy in just these tiny few sentence journal entries.

I have very very very little childhood memory. In general my memory is jacked up, but I think that’s because “I” span across many fragments. I’ve never really known who I am. I have tried to to be what or who I was supposed to be, but that was always a cover… a shell… a mask. The real me was a dark vapor.

I am realizing that this new project, “An Examined Life”… journal reading… is so that I can really dig in and take responsibility to re-parent Cristy (my inner-child). In order to parent her properly, I need to see her and get to know her and I’m already finding out that that is not an easy task. She has a lot of negative magnetism… is that a thing? It’s an energy so that instead of being drawn in, you want to push away… it’s too heavy and painful. And frankly, that’s what happened my whole life… that’s why people truly DIDN’T “like” me… they couldn’t… as hard as I tried, I had this cloud of reversal energies (and PAIN) and as I said in my last post, because of my disfunction and blockage from God-Source/true life-energy current, I had to “feed” on other’s energy in order to live. I was a baby vampire. This is so so sad!!!

I make it sound so dire… and it kind of is… but I also had a beautiful life… I had two parents and 4 siblings that I loved dearly and I was given so many opportunities! We grew up in the Amusement Park industry and had amazing vacations and a private school education. I was really blessed. I just, apparently, signed up for a difficult task here.... and I've been blessed with TONS of support in getting these reversals corrected and portals closed and lightbody architecture aligned... we are on the job!! 

So this is the work. Journal reading. And I think I’ve been assigned this task so that I will get to know and learn how to love Cristy appropriately. Also, I’m in the training wheels part of learning how to go back and bring the Light of God to those timelines and maybe do some shifting from the back-end as well! (I bet I'm even here in this ES container ... even here with my God-self because we've started this work. It's already working!!)

So far some interesting things to note:
One of my first journal entries in May of 1989, I was 11 and I said “I have been lying pretty often so made up my mind not to lye anymore” (I was a terrible speller, apparently - ha!)…but then I scratched that out with ink very heavily! I could hardly read it but I was determined. It was the only thing in that whole journal (which I had only filled out like 6 pages) that was scratched out. So what I’m guessing is that I changed my mind and didn’t want to take ownership for not lying.

In January 1992 I wrote about a book I had just read about a boy’s journal where he was on drugs and involved with Satanism. I said “it was scary”. I also said “But some of the things they can do in Satanism are pretty neat!” EEP!! GAH!!

So we’ll see… so far I see that I was a hurt and troubled soul. Let’s see how it unfolds…