Happiness Is...

This was a topic...and I felt it was a profound understanding, simplified ... or it IS already simple... but it is one of these distilled truths that came through to me today and I sure hope I can remember. 

Paul and I met Kiran in Chapel Hill at the Botanical Gardens for a walk... it was so lovely. And on the drive over I worked with some of my own timeline trigger events in this life especially. I shared with Paul about my experience with Joe and went back there to feel into pieces of that. I was hurt that Paul didn't respond... at all... and that triggered me to feel into suffering and happiness and how they played together.

The insight had something to do with how we chase happiness in this life and resist suffering. This isn't it at all. Something about how to get to TRUE happiness we have to learn how to feel into our suffering. That, say, I may be in a relationship with, say, Paul, and look around and say "this isn't what I hoped for... I wanted someone who shows me affection, listens, likes the same things I do, wants to share experiences, travel, etc....yada yada yada... I WANT ____X____. And if I HAD "X", THENNNNN I'd be HAPPY. So I set aside what I DO have and wait or try to get this "X". But the truth is that I will only be truly happy if I go through my own suffering... if I feel into my own pain. I feel like I'm not getting the affection or attention or communication from Paul but I have CREATED this experience so that I can learn that I shouldn't be looking for that from HIM... it has to come from myself. It is MY hearing of my own stories, and my OWN processing and my OWN healing that matters. When I address it with ME, then we can move forward and I can learn to find happiness by living in my OWN life's FLOW. 

I am not here to experience happiness (only)... I am here to work on, to heal, to address miasma and collapse timelines and learn how to work with those pain points to address the roots of all that. 

Truly if I can do that and keep my grubby paws off Paul, and if I can increase my vibration and heal, this energetically supports him to do the same and we MAY ultimately end up in a joyful presence together.... but maybe not.... but that's okay too because we....no... because I would be doing what I came here to do. 

Feel into my fear. Overcome fear, pain, suffering, etc... all the miasma and distortions and inversions that I created in this life and other lives. I need to learn to love myself.

So the pursuit of happiness doesn't look like setting aside that which causes suffering to surface in order to run after things I perceive will feel better. No, it looks like feeling INTO that which is in front of me, LEANING INTO that which is hard. Feeling into it to try to untangle it. Happiness is on the other side of THAT. It's not running away from pain, it's feeling through it. Happiness is on the other side. 

Something like that.

We had a great day in Chapel Hill. Paul treated me like a princess. He took me to a consignment shop and found me so many linen things to try on and he bought me shirts and a skirt and sweaters and a purse/handbag. He took me to a cool coffee shop "One Eye Cafe", and to a Thai restaurant in a train car. We walked through the market and the little town.

The botanical gardens were great and our drive and deep truth and talks were great. 

We made love this afternoon for the first time in a LONG time and it was SO GOOD!

We ate dinner and watched a comedy movie and then he was watching another movie while I made images for Ayla and now we're going to go to bed.  It was a great day. I'm in love. There were some ups and downs but we are on our way.