So sick

I just had a good cry - wail - moan - oh man.....  9:27 .... it's hard. I remembered about Protocol F for CDS for covid (I'm pretty sure that's what this is... my taste buds do seem to be gone now too. I just took my first dose of CDS and didn't taste it.)

I was determined to just be loving and kind to Paul and to not TRY to help him... to impose my beliefs on him... but I said it and promptly started trying to "care for him" by suggesting.... water... movement... whatever.

I mean, part of it is his own pain body convincing him he's sick and he's playing the role. I see him playing the role. I also know he's very sick. But when no one is looking he can perk up and he still found energy to do his solitaire and majong and play on his phone and he was acting slow and sluggish and moaning and then when he got a message back from Allison he nimbly checked his phone and responded. So I see. But he doesn't. And again... he IS sick. Gosh, I'm still feeling like crap and I'm on day 5. But I've been taking care of all the animals and myself and Paul and trying to help Michael. I'm wearing myself out.

Last night I was up all night... insomnia. Just couldn't sleep. But tried to be with the insomnia. And did lots of meditations... supportive ones that were picked by God for me:

Cosmic Prototype of Sacred Union (heavenly male and heavenly female)
OL Emerald Heart Kidney Triading
OL Solar Orbit (I couldn't hear most of it because of A/C but the last part was on point)
Pullllllled Diamond Pillar Liquid Mind Spirit but stopped it to do 
Clearing Negative Form

Health Upgrade
Soothing Core Meds
HGS Calibration

I need to care for myself. And love others. God. I am so tired and don't want to be in control anymore. It's too hard. 

I want to live, yes. I do. I want to live abundantly and freely and in love. 

Thank you for our dogs and animal friends. Please heal Sioux's hooves. She needs new hay... nutrients. Please heal Michael and Paul and everyone. Thank you for this experience. Help me to be brave. And to learn what my soul wants to learn - easily and quickly please. 

You're doing well, love. Feeling. BE HERE NOW. 4/9:44... which reminds me that I saw 4:44/4 in the middle of the night (started with 4:42/4 (Moses wanted to go out).

4/4:32

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror'. I can take the next one that comes along. You must do the thing you think you cannot do."~Eleanor Roosevelt

HOPEFUL: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Emerald_Order_Reclaiming_Human_History

Feels like we're really wrecked here. I cried so much during the PROTOCOL F and my body feels pretty beat up but I'm trusting it is clearing pathogens. "The Starling" moving was very supportive to help me process and cry. Much grief and sadness. Feel it. 

This all has meaning.

8:50

Much purging today. Detox. Yes. Healing. Clearing. Feeling. Crying. I love you. You don't have to figure it all out. Just be honest. And learn to love. (What you've been doing isn't it.)