Lacking Compassion

Paul and I are both lacking compassion, this is the Father element... we are being called up to heal the FKOT which means finding and tapping into compassion. We withhold our love and attention ... why? Does it make our egos feel stronger? Do we resent the person who we feel is trying to "milk" us of "pity"? What is that about? But at the same time, we are doing the same thing. I'm desperate for him to "care"... and he's the same... and it enrages me to have him just operating out of his painbody in weakness and moaning and whining, waiting for me to offer to help so he can just moan more. He did nothing for himself for the first 2 days and was just going to let himself die. I begged him to drink and made him all these things. I begged him to shower or bathe and made him baths, peppermint compresses, hot water bottles, etc. But he didn't want to do anything... he just kept resisting my affection. 

So I look at that affection and recognize it is defiled. It is DM trying to force MY plan on him. 

I don't know how to live.

I feel bad in my body.
I'm lonely and feel unloved.
I LOVE YOU DEAR ONE.

And that needs to be enough.
I thought it was over between Paul and I but I pulled two meditations yesterday and got "Aeonic Pair" something and "Unioning" and felt like God is saying to just let God lead.

I can't see it. 
I can't see him learning how to "man up". 
That's what Smooth Via said to Joe before we separated too.... that Joe needed to "man up"....and that's the truth. A man takes responsibility for his family. He loves his family. He guards, guides, provides for, and cherishes his family. 

Paul never had a father figure to show him how to do this. But he has the wisdom in his own heart and reads lots of books so God could show him.

But I don't want to be with a Satanist.
That's just his "religion"... a piece of it... doctrine... false architecture and understanding that God can smash in TRUTH if it's meant to be. 

NOTHING is as it seems.

You ARE loved, honey. I love you. It's you and ME. 
And yes... you need to eat and drink something sweet one. I love you.

7:34/5

I almost put in OmniLov3 forum but opted not to:

Requesting prayer for flu or bio-weapon fallout. I'm on day 6 and it is almost getting worse. Feeling blood clearing. Felt that my crux implant/left knee septic wound was maybe leaking from knee bone a couple weeks ago. Organ repatterning. Spleen and kidneys and lungs and liver and heart and ... all of them. Just loving them. Been crying lots - so much grief and sadness rising to the surface.  Today I yelled at Paul - anger, bitterness, resentment... it's all pouring out of me and I think it's miasma that was stored in my blood. Yesterday I did a course of CDS "protocol F" which really weakened me but also so much crying (as I was watching a sad movie as I was taking it... that protocol is 8 doses of CDS in 1hr 45 min). I don't know if it was helpful or harmful but I'm not "better"... but I am burping some (seems like clearing and rro)... I don't know if I should post here. I just would love all the help I can get. Fear of death energy came up here for witnessing and surrender again. But my body is uncomfortable. I have a dry swollen mouth and tongue along with fever that comes and goes and constant lethargy and .... 

Not sending this. God knows. God sees. 

____

No more sugar.