God in my eyes

I had a beautiful mirror session in the bath. God was in my eyes and comforted me and ... right... God is in ME... in my heart and I see into my heart...into me through my eyes. But I must remember that God is right here... promising I am never alone and that they are always with me. Typing it out doesn't do it justice. Been through a lot of emotions... fear of this vein popping on my left forehead now. Fear. Whatever it is. Tension and fear. I want to let them go. I do not need to fear. There is nothing to fear. I'm here on an adventure in a simulation. Okay, not really that... it's legit. I AM living in this body. Having an earth experience... research and recovery mission... enJOY it Carissa my Love!!! ENJOYYYY!

I love you. I am with you. 

I have lost my voice today. My sore throat is getting better. Not swallowing great. Had hiccups a lot today too which was interesting. 

Started carnivore-ish diet for now. Ate some "Violet Crumble" that Mr. Burch sent me today... neat. Not so good... good... but poison, right? I want to take care of my vessel. This carnivore diet is going to get my body back in balance. (I just asked my swingy rock thing... I can never remember the name of it. Dousing tool.). I thought I had given myself diabetes but it said "no". I asked if I had given myself pre-diabetes and it did the "no answer, it's up to you" message (up and down...."no" is side to side...."yes" is a circle....and I got that when I asked if this diet was going to get my body back in balance.)

I release fear.

I release control.

Today when Paul hurt me I wanted to leave again. I thought of Jeff. I texted Jeff (just to check on him. I have not told him of any troubles with Paul...that is a dangerous ...slippery...slope)... but I see what I'm doing. I've fantasized that there is another man who will love me better and when I am at the end of my rope, I dream of running off. In general I dream of just being friends... of cutting romantic ties with Paul...we aren't happy and in love yet I want him to want me and to want to marry me which is ridiculous because we haven't found our groove. I think we're headed there. I think we have a lot of trauma to heal in both of us. 

Lots of heart opening to do in both of us. But I need to see how when I am hurt I want to run away... to push away. This isn't THE WAY. It's 11:41 and Paul is "all mine now", so I need to go. We haven't made love in weeks... maybe tonight? Don't fear the vein. Be present. God is with us. All is well. Peace be with us. EnJOY the ride.