Yeff

I had another powerful and lovely dream about Jeff last night. I think we met at the airport and my family was there and afterwards I think Paul was there and I had to feel into the awkwardness of deciding how to deal with it. Jeff was so open and our love was united and we both actively and openly shared our joy in being together. I rubbed his feet (which were quite large and dry in the dream... maybe kind of flat?)... but we definitely loved each other. 

Paul continued to hold back. He continues to here too. We haven't made love maybe all year or at least for a couple weeks. Oh, we did that first week a little. But then nothing after the blowjob discussions. He goes through the motions.... today I observed him saying "I love you" as he drove off to work. We swapped those sentiments every day... but it's not truth. If he loved me, wouldn't he want to spend time with me? When he's home he's either on the toilet or cooking or in his office... all the time on his device. 

I hope Jeff didn't leave the earth. Please God. But I know and feel that we aren't going to get a chance to be together in this incarnation... or maybe I have hope that we will. But I don't think we are on the same page. Paul and I are on the same page in many ways.... yes. We are mirrors. We both don't know how to open our hearts and love. We both use control and manipulation to try to get our needs met instead of trusting with an open heart. We both are overweight. I feel his lack of attraction to me and I watch my judgment of him (though I don't feel unattracted to him... I just look at his fat body). I guess I'm studying and learning from it. But we are not magnetized to one another and he is not interested in me. Is that because I must be beautiful and use animal attraction to draw him? But where does that come from? From my own confidence, security, and attraction within... I must love myself and then maybe he might love me. But even if he doesn't, that's okay too. I must get to the point that I am not yearning for another person's attention or affection or support or security or anything... it's between ME and me. 

How many times have I said this? But it's true.

And maybe I should try cutting out plants?
And Julie said maybe the dizziness is from a sinus infection?
I think I need more meditation. I need to do the...I want to do the "Safe Passage for Loved Ones" for SweetPea who passed last night. I should have done it sooner but I didn't want to believe that he was getting ready to go. I feel really bad that I didn't spend time with him, or much time with him, in these last days.

I also need to figure out the Rife Machine so that I can treat Rue for cancer. 

It's a trick, this Yeff thing. It divides my loyalties. I just wish I felt more like Paul really wanted me. But again, I need to want myself.