Wavering

Email notes to myself today.... sent over the course of 8 hours.

1. You’re right, I’m not your girl.
I belong to someone who wants to build me up, not tear me down.

2. You don’t KNOW me. You don’t SEE me.

3. I want to be with someone who is good and kind

____

But as soon as I got home I went to see him and we fall into each other's arms and just love one another. Dangit. So confusing. We think we're going to get couples therapy.... can we learn to love one another well/sufficiently? Can we learn to be each other's advocate and support instead of practicing enemy patterning?

I got the AG "depression" today which is interesting because I was talking about feeling it yesterday morning. It showed me what it was. https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Depression

Fascinating.

Journal

Grateful for my journal and feeling like I need to really start getting honest with myself. I've got some red flags going on in my life and heart for sure.

Noteable, carbs or chocolate make my tongue numb. Feeling inflammation a lot too. Got to go back on carnivore. Should I do ... yes... I should do Dr. Chaffee's October carnivore challenge. Inspiration and accountability will help. I feel soooo much better when my body is working well. I'm here to experience this earth... so try to stay here as long as possible.

Yesterday I was thinking that Ryan may not choose that so I have THIS window to love him. So I just need to do my best to love him the best I can. But I also need to love MYSELF first. And some of what goes on with/through our relationship is supremely abusive. He doesn't know better. His intentions are good...he was just grown in a bed of trauma. (Thinking of him like a flower and the soil as the trauma.)

Driving in I thought that I would actually prefer the throw-me-out-of-the-car-by-my-head to fakeness. I don't know if that's true now. But I don't like him pretending that he's great when he's not...but there is something to it... to choosing positivity. Yesterday's AG pick was about black, yellow, and white subtle forces and we both have so much  miasma to clear. I've been chipping away at it for years and he doesn't even know about it. But my "light" (firefly! Eep!) impacts him, even if he doesn't like it/me. 

It hurt me that he said we aren't sexually compatible, but I felt that way about Michael and Paul too... could be that he's just not capable of real connection yet...or it could be that I'm just not his girl. He definitely has trouble with erections... but he's in poor health.

I don't like the smoking. I don't like the sloth. I don't like the ego and attitude. 

I do like our connection and his bright eyes when his soul is at peace. I like being with him. I like the resonance I feel when I'm with him. But I am missing the feeling of being loved, pursued, cared for. It's just really broken. The video Dee sent me yesterday about how narcissists make you feel really good at first to hook you and then they turn on you and break you down to make themselves feel better. 

I don't need to decide anything. I just need to respond to what God puts in my life. And right  now it's Ryan... but mostly it's ME. Coming back to LOVING MYSELF is the main point.

Jannelle wants to reconnect and I'm not sure. I need friends but I also feel so pulled in so many directions and have so much to do. I waste so much time waiting on Ryan. Last night was nice to read and practice self-love and rest. My doggies are my lovers (not in that way, gross!)... but we love each other so much!

Feeling a little depression sneaking in. The light is waning... we're going into the "longer dark than light" per day.... going into the dark. Am I willing to go in and explore the shadows? Yes. YES. I love you Carissa. Feel. I feel you resisting feeling. Feel and look at it. Know you are SO LOVED. I AM with you. 

___

Watching just a few moments of Susanne Amara and Dalton and feeling their connection... it brings up a tangible feeling of love and remembrance in me. These are my people and I long for them. I long for love and I can't get that with Ryan right now. He's meant for it but he needs to choose and pursue it on his own for his own soul. And I need to choose love for myself. Right now I'm using him and our relationship as a drug to fill the void instead of following in the purity and flow of God's love the way I should. I need to come back to me. This depression...sadness...is a call back to my own heart. I feel lonely and don't want to do it on my own, but maybe it's a nudge to step into my strength. 

Food...sugar...crap...they do not sustain me... or light me up. God does. I do. LOVE does. And I need to explore and expand that in ME. Be with me. I say that but as soon as Ryan comes around I throw it out the window. I'm so stupid. I need to cry. Feel it. I love you sweet girl. I'm lonely. Thank you for these love tones that I feel with Susanne and Dalton. What about Jannelle? Dr. Chafee's carnivore is too strict... nothing else but meat, eggs, salt, and water. No tea. No flavorings. I can choose to do what I want, always. But I should try it. I want to kick the addiction to food to the curb. I want clarity and for my sustenance to be God and love and to be a vessel for that power to pour through to others. I want to return to the Way. 

Ryan has been my project but I need to be my project. Period. I'm tired. I don't want to do it alone. I feel lonely... I long for love. Get it from within, sweet girl. 

This message from them is directly for me... reminding me that if I'm not loving myself then I'm not loving God. 

Boundaries. I'm tired. Take time for myself.

This message is from God to me. Thank you God.

____

11:04pm Ryan broke up with me. All he does is blame me for everything... he gloms on to something and makes me the victimizer (in this case it was me saying "I was right", which I was, about the gas station in NJ being 1/4 mile up on the right, or whatever. He was burned out. He's taken the focus off the issue of his physical abuse and made it about my not doing what he said right away (to pull up the blue line, which I couldn't do because I had both map apps open). Anyway, he doesn't take responsibility for his part and I don't often bring to light what I see. 

His "M.O." is to tear me down for whatever reason. And that's it. 

I really do need to let him go. But I love him and see such beauty below the surface. Le'Anna hit the nail on the head today when she said that I look for/see the POTENTIAL in my partners, not the PRESENT. 

Anyway, it would be best if I let him go. There is a man out there that will love me and treat me well. That I can love and that we can heal each other in love... hold a safe space for one another to do our own healing. Ryan has a long way to go and he's not motivated. I am not a carrot. He has joked about the purpose of me being someone to give him blowjobs or sex... I do think that's a joke, but there is a piece of truth. He's happy to have his small life and I will leave him to it. I want to have a big beautiful life. I like people. I don't like the way he treats others. Today he let Buddy out and didn't apologize. Granted Dee scolded him so he was in defense mode, but he didn't take responsibility, he just threw it back at her. 

9/29/23... 11:11...there is a super-moon (in Aries) out... and Ryan broke up with me. I tried to have us break up in peace but he resisted that too. He just thrives on drama. (And blames me for all of it. It's so interesting how everything he says about me is really about him. He can't hear it. He will have his own experience with it someday.)

I bought him some Stoic books/journals which will arrive tomorrow. 

Sleep time. I surrender. God, THY WILL be done! I want to live in peace and alignment with YOU.

So confusing

 ...he's all over the place (and so am I?). I feel steadfast in that I keep showing him that I'm here and I accept him. I don't give him a hard time, I don't challenge him, but he does me and then blames me. It's very dysfunctional and painful. He implied we don't have chemistry and that we don't make a good team having sex. You know what, this is like me with all my other men... I didn't love sex with them. So... he can have the same experience and it's okay. 

I had panic attacks today. I've been living on candy, that's why. And maybe some liquid plasma light to go along with the wild full moon energy coming in (tomorrow). 

But .... yeah... I love him.... or something. I believe in him and like the project and learning opportunity and experience of being with him. Enough to keep coming back for more without making it hard on him. I just go with the flow and watch his gyrations (so many gyrations... he's all over the place and loves to point the finger and insult me as much a possible. It's his ego. God is talking to him... he gives me glimpses now and then and it spurs me on. Talking about exploration of ego, etc. I AM helping him, but this whole process is helping me too. Burning off some dross, I guess. But maybe adding some layers too.

I want to be loved and cherished. I want to be in a mutually loving relationship. Ryan tells me that his heart and soul love me, but his mind does not. And that's true. So much to unpack but it's 11:32pm and I'm soooo tired. Been up since 5:30 and have to get up early tomorrow too. I was trying to upload pics but it's going to take a long time!

Why do I keep trying? STOP

I need to stop trying. He is not my friend. He loves me when he does but he loses his mind and blames me. And I go along with it because I don't want to lose love. You see? This is the lesson. Paul called. Did that put out the bad energy or color on this? I feel an SPE on my right ear. Ryan ripped me out of the car by my head violently in New Jersey and then left me at a gas station in the middle of no where. He was scared I was going to call the police but I said I would never. But the violence. And he just keeps getting so inflamed with anger and ego and displacing it on me. Today I looked up the Eagles Hotel California to find out why I heard it was Satanic. I was trying to tell Ryan about it yesterday but didn't know what I was talking about. Apparently, it's offensive, triggering and egotistical for me to look into it and share. I was sharing that I was wrong. I am justifying. I need to just let it be what it is. I didn't do anything wrong by trying to understand it OR share it. It's violent. We had a really great weekend and it was magical in so many ways. There were are few hard times but also so much honest conversation and experience. Thank you God for it, but maybe that's a good end. I don't know. God knows. God, you lead. This hurts me so much. 

We'll always have New York. But he is not a safe person and I need to let him go. And that's it. If I let him go and he comes back (after doing work on himself), then maybe we'll have something to talk about. For now, I don't need this abuse. I worked all day. I'm tired. I'm done. 

___

Well he broke up with me... nonsensical crazy blameshifting and he sees me so crazy... it's not right/good for me and I accept his breakup. Back to myself. 

Progress

I haven't been writing because it's been ...well, busy, but also relatively peaceful in my heart because Ryan and I were getting along. Today I can see that I've grown and shifted because it is NOT good with him and I really am over it... he has mood swings and and he takes it out on me... and I don't need to let it take me out too. 

Jim asked how things are for us nowadays and I said it's good. We take it one day at a time. And that's the truth. It's one day at a time. 

When it's good, it's good. When it's not... well, I'm still going to choose to be good. I have so much going for me. I listen to Ryan trying to tear me down and I don't need to take it. I won't take it for much longer. He needs to either figure out that I'm a gift to his life, or I'm going to slide away. He won't make commitments with me - doesn't want to go to Thanksgiving, family trip, Christmas party, etc... just not his thang. Tonight he was upset, I guess, because I had glasses... he said something about clinking. The sit-down dinners don't feel good to him and it's a trigger. I made him a really nice pasta tonight... he yelled at me and stewed and told me not to look at him and we ate in silence most of the dinner. It just wasn't okay. He isn't okay. And he needs to recognize and change that OR NOT. But I don't think he's my kind of person. 

I appreciate that he is gifted in repairs, but so are others. I appreciate that he is charming and handsome, but so are others. I do not appreciate his abuse and mood swings.

I learn a lot... looking at life through his lens is helping me to see different viewpoints, but he is egotistical and was indignant because I mentioned listening to a podcast or something... he said he doesn't learn from that and I asked what he learned from and he said "books" and some other things. I asked if he read and he said sometimes... so that's good. But I know the truth. He watches YouTube shorts sometimes and Family Guy. He thinks he's so smart....and he is... he really is. He also does crossword puzzles and word games and Jeopardy and he knows a bunch... but does he keep stretching himself? I don't know. 

He shared some of his beautiful thoughts and insights about life and death on our walk in Chapel Hill yesterday. I loved that. He's great when his heart is open. But a real pill when it's not.

Anyway, I'm at peace. We...or I... am planning to go to New York this weekend and I'm looking forward to it and won't let him slow me down. God bless him. Please heal his heart. Show him the Way. 

It's fine

It's fine. I have to expect Ryan's abuse and dynamics. I shared with him the truth that I need to focus on loving myself. If he wants to twist everything so that he is the victim and I am the victimizer, I have to accept it. Wear my Villian Crown. I have a pure heart, God loves me, I'm doing what's right for me. 

This man, Allen, really seemed to like me today... I could tell...he was trying to hint at it... told me about being single, and his kids, and he was all sweaty later, when I could tell he was looking for me to give me his card. I could just tell. It was nice. 

But I don't want any man. I mean, I do. I want a man who will take care of things and be kind to me...but I need to get straight with MYSELF first. 

Accepting Ryan's abuse is NOT okay. 
And that's it.  

___

Well, I went over there and fell into love again. I just keep falling for him. I love him. Gah!

Processing and Gratitude

Lots of numbers and the beeping/sounds codes coming by/in to my skull. 11:44, 12:13, 9:11, 12:12, 1:44 etc.

I'd like to process a little more regarding Ryan. I'd also like to express SO MUCH gratitude for all the blessings in my life. I'm so glad we have shade for Sioux's area, even though it is so hot, I'm glad there are trees overhanging Sioux and the cheekins. I'm so grateful for my doggie friends too... they are such good friends and we are a family love fest!

I'm grateful for Donnie who trimmed my ditch today and I told him I'd like to keep him on. He quoted me $80 to mow my lawn if I want to do that. Good to know. But I need to get a zero turn and then I'll be okay. He said if I get a sawsall, maybe I can cut out the roots that have risen to the surface.

I love my life and job and family! My home. I'm just blessed. Abundantly blessed! JobS... both are wonderful... huge blessings!

With Ryan, I'm not sure if he loves/likes ME or the fact that I love HIM. Sometimes he gets annoyed at me for just being... and he doesn't really want to hear my thoughts....he is ornery about them. We went to La Cocina and had a great dinner the other night... he took me out... he's been spoiling me again... taking me out, opening my door, spending time with me... and we were talking about spiritual or metaphysical matters, which is my jam, as I know! :) But he is hostile to me about them and cuts me off and doesn't let me feel into it. Don't we hold space for each other to have our own consciousness journeys?

He is a mirror. That's what I do to others. For some reason I love and am attracted to him enough that he is a carrot to help me to want to behave. 

My coworker Crystal is another mirror. I feel the ego rising in me sometimes and I can see her heady energy...floating and kind of disconnected... that's what I must look like to Ryan and others. So it motivates me to want to be grounded. It's an uncomfortable feeling being around it. But it's definitely a mirror. And today she told me about her house and deal and it is like the same deal I had with a blessing of a double-wide with a great loan from SECU... etc. Oh, and she thinks she knows it all too... that energy... and often she's a little off, but sometimes not... but that energy...very uncomfortable...  ego/pride... thank you God for showing me, because I want to nip that in the budd.

I also want to be feminine and receptive for Ryan.

I also need to figure out where the line is because I really need to start getting stuff done on my house and Ryan isn't making any moves to do so. But I need to just wait. I think his job might be ending soon. But he also wants to charge me ... and he charges a lot. Also robbed. (Like the dang HVAC people with their "discounted" capacitor for $250!... It cost $15!!!) Anyway, Ryan gave me a bill for around $3,000 for the work he's done here. F-that. I gave him $500. But I can't and don't want to afford that. He's amazing but he bumbles around a little and he takes his time to do it right, and everything is a bit of a learning process... fence, electrical, water, etc.... I'm NOT ungrateful... I'm grateful... but realistic... and if he's going to charge me so dang much, I just want to be smart. I should pay per job with him, not per hour, and then he can do whatever it takes. But he's made a lot of promises which he doesn't follow through on. Like that he would take care of my car... and I finally had to get my own oil change... I guess we'll see how the trip goes... if we can stay friends through it, then I need to learn to just let go and trust Ryan and God...God and Ryan... but if not, then I need to be responsible and take things into my own hands. There IS a "trust issue" here. I don't trust that he has my best interest at heart. He comes first. Which I guess is fair. But again, he doesn't take care of his OWN life and stuff... putting off the stuff he needs to do at his house, of course the stuff at my house will be deprioritized. 

This is part of what we came to feel into. Where are the lines? Where is control and manipulation? Dark Mother manipulates to get her needs met. I want to trust God and my man to meet them in divine right timing. That's it. 

I don't want to be ungrateful. I want to pull out the weeds of entitlement and ego from my heart. Live in peace and gratitude sweet girl!

____

Suuuuuch a great chat with Le'Anna! I'm so grateful to have a wise and kind soul in my corner! Thank you God for this friend!

____

Ryan is NOT a good friend. He hurts me all the time. Today he abandoned me after I asked him if he liked me for me or just the fact that I like him. I was trying to communicate with him to show him how much I love him... I felt like Donna Reed in my head... preparing for him to come home, making a nice dinner for him, taking a shower, buying a new dress, putting on makeup, just happy to see him and talk to him. It's too hard. I'm not interested in having my heart broken over and over.

It's football season so he had to leave by 8:20 but he left at 7:35 after being here maybe an hour. My poor heart. He was already choosing a football game for some teams that aren't even his teams over me. He's not the one. I need to let him go. He's not the one. 

He doesn't cherish me. He doesn't see me. He doesn't even like me. I trigger him. God bless him, may he go in peace. I'm done. I'm not. That's a lie that I'm done because in my heart I hear a car drive by and I hope that it's him coming back as a hot aligator tear drips down my cheek. I'm broken. He's not trustworthy. He's not safe. He doesn't care about me ... he only cares about himself and his own reactions. I just wanted to connect. I don't want to anymore. I don't want to want to. So what, I look for other people? That's my problem.... trying to fill this void myself with human love. It will never work. 

God just sent Kiran to send me a message. A random one that is not related, but it is God energy coming through. God loves me. And I love me. And that's it. I've got to stop trying to be enough for Ryan. I need to be enough for ME. And ME loves me just as I am. I AM.

Hot crocodile tears.

I don't need to run to anyone else. Be with the pain. Feel it and let go. Thank you God. There was a song about letting go on when I was taking a shower. This person isn't for me. This person doesn't care about me or my feelings. I care about .. or SHOULD care about me and my feelings. Just get quiet, centered, and I'm going to be okay.

Here's the situation:
Ryan was triggered because I asked him about something that was probably true... he likes me because I like him. He has been clear about how he doesn't particularly like the way I think, look, breathe, act, etc. So why am I holding on? Because I believe in him? Because I see myself in him and feel like he could awaken? Because he's handsome? Because he can fix things? Because he's an "O'Malley", which I joked about "keeping up with the O'Malleys"? Because he's charismatic sometimes? 

But he doesn't get things done. He's not motivated. He's an egotistical, rude, self-centered, lazy (unless he's into doing a project perfectly) person. He's not the guy for me. I want someone who wants to lay with me and dream and talk and love and giggle and watch movies and go on walks and play with animals and nature and do projects and explore. Everything is hard with Ryan and he hurts me over and over and over and it's all about him. I'm the one apologizing. 

I just deleted the voice memo I sent him. He can't hear. He doesn't want to. He's not worth my breath. Let him go. CARISSA!!! Let him GO. He's not good for me. Period. 

Toxic. 

He doesn't love me. And my love is codependent and desperate and sick. It's not healthy. I have to let him go once (or for the 500th time) and for all. That's it. 

___

He doesn't like books. He doesn't like anything but smoking and putting off stuff and being negative. He doesn't like people. He likes animals and that's something. And he likes fixing things, I guess. He's an egotist. He's a self-centered egotist. Is that the human condition? He doesn't like ME. He isn't interested in what I have to say or do or think. He's not my guy. Let him go. He wants to use me because I make him feel good... I build him up and take care of his needs, including sexual needs. But that's not enough. This is a lesson for me. I have to feel what Michael felt... the abandonment... he gave everything to me but I disrespected him and didn't see him or desire him. It must have been crushing. It IS crushing. 

God gave me a home and a family here. My fur and feather family. Be with them. Take care of THEM and MYSELF. Stop giving all my excess energy to someone who just lets it spill on the floor. Why am I so stupid? CHOOSE ME. I'm not choosing him anymore. 9/7 20:20

I just got so many chills. Thank you God. 

_____

I need to forgive too... forgive myself and Ryan and everyone. I can't allow bitterness. I must forgive, but also I need to own my self... and I have to be done. It hurts me too much... but yes, I'm willing and grateful for the opportunity to learn. 

I'm coming back to me. I can't look outside of myself for another boy/man...guy... to distract me. I don't need distractions, I need ME.

AG pick: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Dark_Matter_Template

Thank you God. Yes. Talking to Le'Anna about Scott's dragons... he has an "orange" one and a "steamppunk" dark one.... I thought inside myself that is the Solar and Dark Matter consciousness... solar dragon and black dragon, maybe? I love that he has dragons. 

I feel God with me. Thank you that we are here together. "Get Back Up" by TobyMac is on. "we lose our way, we get back up again... I may be knocked down, but not out forever" 

Feel through this.
FEEL it.

I love you Carissa. I LOVE YOU. (Emphasis on "I".... I gotchu.)

Feels like maybe the Scarfones are praying for me? My siblings in Christ. I AM in Christ.. a new creation. And I AM. God, help me stay aligned with Truth. 

"Shallow" - Lady Gaga & Bradley Cooper from "A Star is Born"

No coincidence that I bought a black dress today (that I put on tonight)...dark matter template work.

"Still Rolling Stones" - Lauren Daigle. "RISE UP!!"

I am grateful. This is strengthening me. I choose ME! I AM rising up! Thank you God! Get back to listening to my Godself, the voice inside, my heart, LOVE. Stop looking outside of myself for love, security, entertainment, etc.... I AM HERE NOW. BE HERE NOW. Shhhhh love. Shhhh, you don't need to create sparks. I've got you, Love. 

444

Saw 444 the other day and it's 444 now on 9/5... I also saw 15:55/5 and I saw 555 the other day. Lots of 11:11s too... and I think a 1:11 and 234 and other moving ahead and some mirror numbers. Just lots of support... reminders that God is with me. 

Grateful to be in a good spot with Ryan. Loving him so much! When it's good, it's sooooo good. We are planning to go to New York together ... so happy! And things are going well at work. I'm supposed to be doing my New Hire Training now. And I will. Tonight and tomorrow. 

Just plugging along. 

My A/C went out... but Ryan got some guys in and they fixed it today. He cursed me and said it's got a leak and that it will go out again soon... but F-that, I do not accept it. I think the capacitor worked for 5 years and got tired. It's been hot!

Anyway...things are moving along, thanks be to God!

Begin Again

I deleted my less-than-one-day-old "Plenty of Fish" account at 1:44/4 this morning. What a day.

Feeling through a lot of things and finally releasing Ryan. And deciding to stay out of O'Malley family drama (because I wanted to go over and see Shana who is visiting but I made the decision in my heart to steer clear... it was the right thing and as a result, things shifted... I'm so glad to hear Shana went over to see Ryan and they ended up having a nice talk (not about anything in particular...but the connection = so good!)...

And Paul came over and did laundry and we had a good talk and watched a movie about the government and ate ribs and it was very healing and good!

And just as Paul left, Ryan came over and wanted to talk... he came in peace... and we walked the dogs and had a great talk and were together from then on to 1:30am. He was himself... my beloved... and we were honest...he was honest and it felt really good. We went to Denny's for a late dinner and we made love and it was so good to be in his arms. It just feels so right there. 

That Pattern creeper went away... might have been him who was texting me pretending I was someone else with a foot fetish... but I had the thought that there was something wrong with him... like he was a creeper or an ai.... and it looks like he deleted himself from my Pattern app and Telegram and I'm glad. 

So hopefully things are back okay with Ryan! Pattern told me "Venus, the planet of love and relationships resumed her direct path in the sky in the bold and courageous sign of Leo".

Well, it's 2am and I need to go to bed. It was a good day. I was very productive this morning... I took down Ryan's porch railings... unscrewed them and put them away, I felt like a bad ass... and repaired the chicken house railing and drilled a hole for a eye hook for a bucket for Sioux and mowed the lawn... I went to the gym and filled gas cans and then Paul came over and we watched that movie by his friend and ate and talked and then Ryan came and we talked and ... I already told you... long story short, it was a good day.

___

Note, here is what I wrote to Ryan (from the bike at the gym), it feels pretty good... and honest and I'm pleased with it. But very happy that we are still working toward resolution and unity. I am so naive that I could just jump from "over" to "yay, we're back together!". I need to keep doing the work on myself. I want to get off the rollercoaster, rediscover coherence, and live in peace... WITH RYAN. God, is that possible? YES.

I started this book yesterday and it is SUPER good. I got the kindle AND audible version so you could listen if it resonates - some quantum theory in it. 

Also, I need to get my Lowe’s card back when you have a chance. Maybe you could just leave it in my mailbox please?

I am moving on, Ryan. I am beautiful and worthy. I gave my all with you, but obviously we don’t see eye to eye. I wish you the best and am open to being friends if/when you choose to resolve your scorn for me. I don’t expect that to happen anytime soon so am just warning you, because you are my neighbor and will see things, that I plan to date. It may not be the healthiest way to deal with heartbreak/loss, but it is a distraction that will hopefully help me to move through this transition. I hope one day you will be able to reflect on our time together with more clarity, but again, I can’t expect or even hope for it. I have to cut ties (in my heart), and am finally motivated to do so. You don’t see or know me and considering that I gave you all of myself (which is a character defect - not wise to do that), it really hurts to be so misunderstood. I have a lifetime (many lifetimes?) of work to do on myself and I’m looking for someone who is working on themselves and that wants to walk side-by-side and support one another in love as we do that. I hoped it was you - I may be deluded but I think/thought I saw your heart and found it to be beautiful and worth holding space for as your brushed it off and allowed yourself to be loved. 

Unfortunately you seem to be more comfortable with your demons than me. You haven’t fought for me or us (or maybe you did and they are just stronger. That’s when you call in Christ to help.) … anyway, I’m finally ready to walk away. 

I’m going to send you a few things from the pattern app that shows what may have gone wrong.

Anyway, this book postulates that you can choose which reality stream you want and I pray you will manifest and choose one that brings you fulfillment.

I loved you with all my (torn up and bruised) heart. I’m sorry it wasn’t enough. 

Lastly, I want to leave you with this: I’m sorry that I hurt you all the times I did. It wasn’t intentional. I loved you and wanted US so bad. But one thing I learned with you is that intentions don’t matter… so… I’m just sorry. 💔 

Can't use "Enough" again...

I want to use the word "Enough" again for a title, but I just used it the other day. That song is SO PERFECT for me right now. It is on now and spurs me to write and feel and be honest with myself and that is that it's time for me to OWN MY LIFE, TAKE MYSELF and my power BACK. I do not deserve to be treated so poorly... why have I allowed it? As an act of charity? Because I wanted to play "hero/savior"? Because I loved Ryan? Because I was addicted to him and/or the drama?

Either way, I'm getting off this crazy train. 
I had a FANTASTIC session with Terri yesterday and I need to go back and see what notes I wrote down but the main takeaways were that I had split and that I need to get back to focusing on embodiment and get out of the mental body... I've had some mental body distortions coming in from the astral plane and in general, I've been in my head and not my heart. 

All the mind games with Ryan... and he can blame me and think what he wants. I will wear my Villian Crown...but I AM WHO I AM. And gosh darn it, people like me!! I LIKE ME! I can't convince anyone to though and if Ryan doesn't... he doesn't....because he doesn't like HIM.... then that's out of my control. I release control!

He doesn't have a good life... he lives in a camper that is a mess, eats junk, smokes, doesn't have a solid job and when he does, he goes to work late and is rude to everyone. He is egotistical, entitled, and rude. He doesn't see or appreciate the people who love him (his sister) and lives in a state of enemy patterning. He is handsome and I loved his penis, but he didn't even care (much) about my needs, he just wants to get his met. It's all about him. And I will leave him to it. I want to be happy and that only happens when I help myself BE HAPPY. So I am. 

I'm going to go up to New York and see my friends for my birthday. And Ryan has one last opportunity to decide to go with me...he can decide today... but if he isn't going to come to my party/get-together and meet my friends, I'm not interested in going with him. He wants the whole world to revolve around his delusions and dislike of people and I'm not going to do that anymore. I would have to spend more money on a hotel when I can stay with friends ... and I just don't need this. I hope he chooses not to go. I want to be happy. I'm tired of the drama. I want off the crazy train. I don't need anyone disrespecting and diminishing me. I do not accept it any more. 

____

11:11 on 9/2/23 ... it's OVER. Done. DONE.

Thank you God!! 
I waited all day to eat with Ryan and he blew me off... he wanted to come over here and berate me and I took it and was in my heart and tried to be a loving peacemaker ... owning all the shit... going along with his story where he is the victim of evil LIAR CARISSA. I understand I get in states of confusion and try to find a foothold and the truth and I end up gaslighting and it's NOT OKAY and I want to work on it, but I need to work on it with a loving presence, one who wants to work with me in love. Ryan DESPISES me... or his demons do... and they just want to convince him to hurt me and he does... and hurts himself. I can't do anything about this... he isn't in a place where he can be a good boyfriend to me. It's over. I tried really hard to love him enough for both of us, but he is selfish, self-centered, angry, entitled, and BLIND. I want to be with someone who LIKES ME. I don't want to have to fight every day to try to prove that I'm not an affront to his ego.... it was too hard. I was willing to do the work because I thought it made me stronger, but it didn't, it DIMINSHED me. I'm done. He's not that great. He's not great at all. He's a loser. And a user too. I leave him to his pathetic life. I choose a sunny and beautiful life. I cancel his black magic and garbage. I'm done. Thank you God.

ENOUGH - Nahko (I pulled it up)

"My lover was psychopath

I would know, I was just like that

Shit got ugly, yeah it got real bad

Never failed, always came right back

So thank you for the lessons

Fuck you for all the abuse

I will birth new life from darkness

Like I always do"

Thank you God!
Super good AG pick. I only could skim it, but feels like lots of what we are working through. Definitely magnetic shifts: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Reisha_Worlds

___

Please note my dysfunction. I do not like to be alone. I have found this friend on the Pattern App who has the exact same pattern as Ryan (so I should RUN...but it is also intriguing because if we are both in our BEST version of ourselves, we can help each other.... I guess even in our bad versions, we help each other grow... look at this mess with Ryan... I am still better off for it and grateful for the experience.)... anyway... I sent a MP to Bean and thought I looked pretty so then I made a video for myself (so I could witness and preen on myself) and then I sent one to Lukas ...another boy!? (It really does help me move on... someone else to distract me. But that isn't good because I need to be with MYSELF.) 

Lukas is really responsive and has said twice now that I look good... I do.. in my face... and the lighting was good tonight. We'll see what happens. And Yeff wrote back too... I texted him and he probably woke up to text me back... awww. Yeah, I want to explore other relationships FOR SURE.

But mainly I need a relationship with ME!

And get back into ES... and do things that I want to do. Yesterday I dropped my promise to April to meet up with her at the Recovery Alive (neither of us texted to confirm or to say we were there, so she might have blown me off too), but I wanted to go to see the motorcycle guy's testimony.... and I need to stay in touch with friends and family... I just need to do MY LIFE. I have been giving my life... my time, my love, my money, everything away to Ryan. "Investing" in him... well it was a bad investment. God can do miracles and I pray he does...but if this is the life Ryan wants, that's fine... great... totally cool. But it's sad and pathetic and I don't want that for myself. So there we go. 

I am manifesting a life that is filled with love, adventure, joy, happiness, peaceful moments, and goodness. I am healing myself and want to be in a relationship based on mutual respect and adoration, where we work together to remain in unity and peace and build a life like the one I described two sentences ago.

Ryan has a beautiful heart buried beneath a lot of pain and until/unless he addresses it, he will remain trapped. 

Lukas may be an Ai bot. But that's okay. He's in to cryptocurrency. And I don't know... probably not "the guy"...or even "a guy" for me...but maybe it's some entertainment and friendship so we'll see. I am really looking forward to seeing Jeff. That will be nice. He's my heart guy...  (and AAAAWWWWHHH... that was WILD...as I just wrote that he called me at 12:15am!!! So weird, it was like I beckoned him! He is with Uma and they were miniature golfing and now going swimming at midnight in Lake George!) He said he was going to try to get his kids that weekend that I came up and I told him we'll do a North Carolina vacation together sometime but that I needed him that whole weekend I was there so I hope that's the case... we'll see.... but awwwwwhhhh... see now, THAT is a friend. And he's so real. And my friend. Also probably can't be in a relationship with him or anyone...but it's fun and lovely. And that's what I want. HIGH VIBRATIONAL RELATIONSHIPS. 

Thank you God. 
This is what I wrote Ryan at 11:11

Thank you for talking and visiting with me. I see the truth and it sets me free. Go in peace.

Please send me an invoice for the lights/existing work you did and I’ll get you a check next week.

If you are still interested in finishing the water closet, please send me a bid and timeline and I'll get some quotes and let you know.

And that's it. He called me right after to see what kind of car we'd be driving back and I said "it's not relevant to you anymore" or something like that, and he hung up on me. And that's it. I'm done. Peace out. Done. Thank you very much. I'm happy about it. Free. I talked to Cliff today and he told me not to let Ryan diminish me. Everyone keeps encouraging me and reminding me who I AM, thank you God! Thank you God. I feel so supported and loved! Thank you God!