Begin Again

I deleted my less-than-one-day-old "Plenty of Fish" account at 1:44/4 this morning. What a day.

Feeling through a lot of things and finally releasing Ryan. And deciding to stay out of O'Malley family drama (because I wanted to go over and see Shana who is visiting but I made the decision in my heart to steer clear... it was the right thing and as a result, things shifted... I'm so glad to hear Shana went over to see Ryan and they ended up having a nice talk (not about anything in particular...but the connection = so good!)...

And Paul came over and did laundry and we had a good talk and watched a movie about the government and ate ribs and it was very healing and good!

And just as Paul left, Ryan came over and wanted to talk... he came in peace... and we walked the dogs and had a great talk and were together from then on to 1:30am. He was himself... my beloved... and we were honest...he was honest and it felt really good. We went to Denny's for a late dinner and we made love and it was so good to be in his arms. It just feels so right there. 

That Pattern creeper went away... might have been him who was texting me pretending I was someone else with a foot fetish... but I had the thought that there was something wrong with him... like he was a creeper or an ai.... and it looks like he deleted himself from my Pattern app and Telegram and I'm glad. 

So hopefully things are back okay with Ryan! Pattern told me "Venus, the planet of love and relationships resumed her direct path in the sky in the bold and courageous sign of Leo".

Well, it's 2am and I need to go to bed. It was a good day. I was very productive this morning... I took down Ryan's porch railings... unscrewed them and put them away, I felt like a bad ass... and repaired the chicken house railing and drilled a hole for a eye hook for a bucket for Sioux and mowed the lawn... I went to the gym and filled gas cans and then Paul came over and we watched that movie by his friend and ate and talked and then Ryan came and we talked and ... I already told you... long story short, it was a good day.

___

Note, here is what I wrote to Ryan (from the bike at the gym), it feels pretty good... and honest and I'm pleased with it. But very happy that we are still working toward resolution and unity. I am so naive that I could just jump from "over" to "yay, we're back together!". I need to keep doing the work on myself. I want to get off the rollercoaster, rediscover coherence, and live in peace... WITH RYAN. God, is that possible? YES.

I started this book yesterday and it is SUPER good. I got the kindle AND audible version so you could listen if it resonates - some quantum theory in it. 

Also, I need to get my Lowe’s card back when you have a chance. Maybe you could just leave it in my mailbox please?

I am moving on, Ryan. I am beautiful and worthy. I gave my all with you, but obviously we don’t see eye to eye. I wish you the best and am open to being friends if/when you choose to resolve your scorn for me. I don’t expect that to happen anytime soon so am just warning you, because you are my neighbor and will see things, that I plan to date. It may not be the healthiest way to deal with heartbreak/loss, but it is a distraction that will hopefully help me to move through this transition. I hope one day you will be able to reflect on our time together with more clarity, but again, I can’t expect or even hope for it. I have to cut ties (in my heart), and am finally motivated to do so. You don’t see or know me and considering that I gave you all of myself (which is a character defect - not wise to do that), it really hurts to be so misunderstood. I have a lifetime (many lifetimes?) of work to do on myself and I’m looking for someone who is working on themselves and that wants to walk side-by-side and support one another in love as we do that. I hoped it was you - I may be deluded but I think/thought I saw your heart and found it to be beautiful and worth holding space for as your brushed it off and allowed yourself to be loved. 

Unfortunately you seem to be more comfortable with your demons than me. You haven’t fought for me or us (or maybe you did and they are just stronger. That’s when you call in Christ to help.) … anyway, I’m finally ready to walk away. 

I’m going to send you a few things from the pattern app that shows what may have gone wrong.

Anyway, this book postulates that you can choose which reality stream you want and I pray you will manifest and choose one that brings you fulfillment.

I loved you with all my (torn up and bruised) heart. I’m sorry it wasn’t enough. 

Lastly, I want to leave you with this: I’m sorry that I hurt you all the times I did. It wasn’t intentional. I loved you and wanted US so bad. But one thing I learned with you is that intentions don’t matter… so… I’m just sorry. 💔