So confusing

 ...he's all over the place (and so am I?). I feel steadfast in that I keep showing him that I'm here and I accept him. I don't give him a hard time, I don't challenge him, but he does me and then blames me. It's very dysfunctional and painful. He implied we don't have chemistry and that we don't make a good team having sex. You know what, this is like me with all my other men... I didn't love sex with them. So... he can have the same experience and it's okay. 

I had panic attacks today. I've been living on candy, that's why. And maybe some liquid plasma light to go along with the wild full moon energy coming in (tomorrow). 

But .... yeah... I love him.... or something. I believe in him and like the project and learning opportunity and experience of being with him. Enough to keep coming back for more without making it hard on him. I just go with the flow and watch his gyrations (so many gyrations... he's all over the place and loves to point the finger and insult me as much a possible. It's his ego. God is talking to him... he gives me glimpses now and then and it spurs me on. Talking about exploration of ego, etc. I AM helping him, but this whole process is helping me too. Burning off some dross, I guess. But maybe adding some layers too.

I want to be loved and cherished. I want to be in a mutually loving relationship. Ryan tells me that his heart and soul love me, but his mind does not. And that's true. So much to unpack but it's 11:32pm and I'm soooo tired. Been up since 5:30 and have to get up early tomorrow too. I was trying to upload pics but it's going to take a long time!