I need to stop trying. He is not my friend. He loves me when he does but he loses his mind and blames me. And I go along with it because I don't want to lose love. You see? This is the lesson. Paul called. Did that put out the bad energy or color on this? I feel an SPE on my right ear. Ryan ripped me out of the car by my head violently in New Jersey and then left me at a gas station in the middle of no where. He was scared I was going to call the police but I said I would never. But the violence. And he just keeps getting so inflamed with anger and ego and displacing it on me. Today I looked up the Eagles Hotel California to find out why I heard it was Satanic. I was trying to tell Ryan about it yesterday but didn't know what I was talking about. Apparently, it's offensive, triggering and egotistical for me to look into it and share. I was sharing that I was wrong. I am justifying. I need to just let it be what it is. I didn't do anything wrong by trying to understand it OR share it. It's violent. We had a really great weekend and it was magical in so many ways. There were are few hard times but also so much honest conversation and experience. Thank you God for it, but maybe that's a good end. I don't know. God knows. God, you lead. This hurts me so much.
We'll always have New York. But he is not a safe person and I need to let him go. And that's it. If I let him go and he comes back (after doing work on himself), then maybe we'll have something to talk about. For now, I don't need this abuse. I worked all day. I'm tired. I'm done.
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Well he broke up with me... nonsensical crazy blameshifting and he sees me so crazy... it's not right/good for me and I accept his breakup. Back to myself.
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