Noteable, carbs or chocolate make my tongue numb. Feeling inflammation a lot too. Got to go back on carnivore. Should I do ... yes... I should do Dr. Chaffee's October carnivore challenge. Inspiration and accountability will help. I feel soooo much better when my body is working well. I'm here to experience this earth... so try to stay here as long as possible.
Yesterday I was thinking that Ryan may not choose that so I have THIS window to love him. So I just need to do my best to love him the best I can. But I also need to love MYSELF first. And some of what goes on with/through our relationship is supremely abusive. He doesn't know better. His intentions are good...he was just grown in a bed of trauma. (Thinking of him like a flower and the soil as the trauma.)
Driving in I thought that I would actually prefer the throw-me-out-of-the-car-by-my-head to fakeness. I don't know if that's true now. But I don't like him pretending that he's great when he's not...but there is something to it... to choosing positivity. Yesterday's AG pick was about black, yellow, and white subtle forces and we both have so much miasma to clear. I've been chipping away at it for years and he doesn't even know about it. But my "light" (firefly! Eep!) impacts him, even if he doesn't like it/me.
It hurt me that he said we aren't sexually compatible, but I felt that way about Michael and Paul too... could be that he's just not capable of real connection yet...or it could be that I'm just not his girl. He definitely has trouble with erections... but he's in poor health.
I don't like the smoking. I don't like the sloth. I don't like the ego and attitude.
I do like our connection and his bright eyes when his soul is at peace. I like being with him. I like the resonance I feel when I'm with him. But I am missing the feeling of being loved, pursued, cared for. It's just really broken. The video Dee sent me yesterday about how narcissists make you feel really good at first to hook you and then they turn on you and break you down to make themselves feel better.
I don't need to decide anything. I just need to respond to what God puts in my life. And right now it's Ryan... but mostly it's ME. Coming back to LOVING MYSELF is the main point.
Jannelle wants to reconnect and I'm not sure. I need friends but I also feel so pulled in so many directions and have so much to do. I waste so much time waiting on Ryan. Last night was nice to read and practice self-love and rest. My doggies are my lovers (not in that way, gross!)... but we love each other so much!
Feeling a little depression sneaking in. The light is waning... we're going into the "longer dark than light" per day.... going into the dark. Am I willing to go in and explore the shadows? Yes. YES. I love you Carissa. Feel. I feel you resisting feeling. Feel and look at it. Know you are SO LOVED. I AM with you.
I do like our connection and his bright eyes when his soul is at peace. I like being with him. I like the resonance I feel when I'm with him. But I am missing the feeling of being loved, pursued, cared for. It's just really broken. The video Dee sent me yesterday about how narcissists make you feel really good at first to hook you and then they turn on you and break you down to make themselves feel better.
I don't need to decide anything. I just need to respond to what God puts in my life. And right now it's Ryan... but mostly it's ME. Coming back to LOVING MYSELF is the main point.
Jannelle wants to reconnect and I'm not sure. I need friends but I also feel so pulled in so many directions and have so much to do. I waste so much time waiting on Ryan. Last night was nice to read and practice self-love and rest. My doggies are my lovers (not in that way, gross!)... but we love each other so much!
Feeling a little depression sneaking in. The light is waning... we're going into the "longer dark than light" per day.... going into the dark. Am I willing to go in and explore the shadows? Yes. YES. I love you Carissa. Feel. I feel you resisting feeling. Feel and look at it. Know you are SO LOVED. I AM with you.
___
Watching just a few moments of Susanne Amara and Dalton and feeling their connection... it brings up a tangible feeling of love and remembrance in me. These are my people and I long for them. I long for love and I can't get that with Ryan right now. He's meant for it but he needs to choose and pursue it on his own for his own soul. And I need to choose love for myself. Right now I'm using him and our relationship as a drug to fill the void instead of following in the purity and flow of God's love the way I should. I need to come back to me. This depression...sadness...is a call back to my own heart. I feel lonely and don't want to do it on my own, but maybe it's a nudge to step into my strength.
Food...sugar...crap...they do not sustain me... or light me up. God does. I do. LOVE does. And I need to explore and expand that in ME. Be with me. I say that but as soon as Ryan comes around I throw it out the window. I'm so stupid. I need to cry. Feel it. I love you sweet girl. I'm lonely. Thank you for these love tones that I feel with Susanne and Dalton. What about Jannelle? Dr. Chafee's carnivore is too strict... nothing else but meat, eggs, salt, and water. No tea. No flavorings. I can choose to do what I want, always. But I should try it. I want to kick the addiction to food to the curb. I want clarity and for my sustenance to be God and love and to be a vessel for that power to pour through to others. I want to return to the Way.
Ryan has been my project but I need to be my project. Period. I'm tired. I don't want to do it alone. I feel lonely... I long for love. Get it from within, sweet girl.
Food...sugar...crap...they do not sustain me... or light me up. God does. I do. LOVE does. And I need to explore and expand that in ME. Be with me. I say that but as soon as Ryan comes around I throw it out the window. I'm so stupid. I need to cry. Feel it. I love you sweet girl. I'm lonely. Thank you for these love tones that I feel with Susanne and Dalton. What about Jannelle? Dr. Chafee's carnivore is too strict... nothing else but meat, eggs, salt, and water. No tea. No flavorings. I can choose to do what I want, always. But I should try it. I want to kick the addiction to food to the curb. I want clarity and for my sustenance to be God and love and to be a vessel for that power to pour through to others. I want to return to the Way.
Ryan has been my project but I need to be my project. Period. I'm tired. I don't want to do it alone. I feel lonely... I long for love. Get it from within, sweet girl.
This message from them is directly for me... reminding me that if I'm not loving myself then I'm not loving God.
Boundaries. I'm tired. Take time for myself.
This message is from God to me. Thank you God.
Boundaries. I'm tired. Take time for myself.
This message is from God to me. Thank you God.
____
11:04pm Ryan broke up with me. All he does is blame me for everything... he gloms on to something and makes me the victimizer (in this case it was me saying "I was right", which I was, about the gas station in NJ being 1/4 mile up on the right, or whatever. He was burned out. He's taken the focus off the issue of his physical abuse and made it about my not doing what he said right away (to pull up the blue line, which I couldn't do because I had both map apps open). Anyway, he doesn't take responsibility for his part and I don't often bring to light what I see.
His "M.O." is to tear me down for whatever reason. And that's it.
I really do need to let him go. But I love him and see such beauty below the surface. Le'Anna hit the nail on the head today when she said that I look for/see the POTENTIAL in my partners, not the PRESENT.
Anyway, it would be best if I let him go. There is a man out there that will love me and treat me well. That I can love and that we can heal each other in love... hold a safe space for one another to do our own healing. Ryan has a long way to go and he's not motivated. I am not a carrot. He has joked about the purpose of me being someone to give him blowjobs or sex... I do think that's a joke, but there is a piece of truth. He's happy to have his small life and I will leave him to it. I want to have a big beautiful life. I like people. I don't like the way he treats others. Today he let Buddy out and didn't apologize. Granted Dee scolded him so he was in defense mode, but he didn't take responsibility, he just threw it back at her.
9/29/23... 11:11...there is a super-moon (in Aries) out... and Ryan broke up with me. I tried to have us break up in peace but he resisted that too. He just thrives on drama. (And blames me for all of it. It's so interesting how everything he says about me is really about him. He can't hear it. He will have his own experience with it someday.)
I bought him some Stoic books/journals which will arrive tomorrow.
His "M.O." is to tear me down for whatever reason. And that's it.
I really do need to let him go. But I love him and see such beauty below the surface. Le'Anna hit the nail on the head today when she said that I look for/see the POTENTIAL in my partners, not the PRESENT.
Anyway, it would be best if I let him go. There is a man out there that will love me and treat me well. That I can love and that we can heal each other in love... hold a safe space for one another to do our own healing. Ryan has a long way to go and he's not motivated. I am not a carrot. He has joked about the purpose of me being someone to give him blowjobs or sex... I do think that's a joke, but there is a piece of truth. He's happy to have his small life and I will leave him to it. I want to have a big beautiful life. I like people. I don't like the way he treats others. Today he let Buddy out and didn't apologize. Granted Dee scolded him so he was in defense mode, but he didn't take responsibility, he just threw it back at her.
9/29/23... 11:11...there is a super-moon (in Aries) out... and Ryan broke up with me. I tried to have us break up in peace but he resisted that too. He just thrives on drama. (And blames me for all of it. It's so interesting how everything he says about me is really about him. He can't hear it. He will have his own experience with it someday.)
I bought him some Stoic books/journals which will arrive tomorrow.
Sleep time. I surrender. God, THY WILL be done! I want to live in peace and alignment with YOU.
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