Progress

I haven't been writing because it's been ...well, busy, but also relatively peaceful in my heart because Ryan and I were getting along. Today I can see that I've grown and shifted because it is NOT good with him and I really am over it... he has mood swings and and he takes it out on me... and I don't need to let it take me out too. 

Jim asked how things are for us nowadays and I said it's good. We take it one day at a time. And that's the truth. It's one day at a time. 

When it's good, it's good. When it's not... well, I'm still going to choose to be good. I have so much going for me. I listen to Ryan trying to tear me down and I don't need to take it. I won't take it for much longer. He needs to either figure out that I'm a gift to his life, or I'm going to slide away. He won't make commitments with me - doesn't want to go to Thanksgiving, family trip, Christmas party, etc... just not his thang. Tonight he was upset, I guess, because I had glasses... he said something about clinking. The sit-down dinners don't feel good to him and it's a trigger. I made him a really nice pasta tonight... he yelled at me and stewed and told me not to look at him and we ate in silence most of the dinner. It just wasn't okay. He isn't okay. And he needs to recognize and change that OR NOT. But I don't think he's my kind of person. 

I appreciate that he is gifted in repairs, but so are others. I appreciate that he is charming and handsome, but so are others. I do not appreciate his abuse and mood swings.

I learn a lot... looking at life through his lens is helping me to see different viewpoints, but he is egotistical and was indignant because I mentioned listening to a podcast or something... he said he doesn't learn from that and I asked what he learned from and he said "books" and some other things. I asked if he read and he said sometimes... so that's good. But I know the truth. He watches YouTube shorts sometimes and Family Guy. He thinks he's so smart....and he is... he really is. He also does crossword puzzles and word games and Jeopardy and he knows a bunch... but does he keep stretching himself? I don't know. 

He shared some of his beautiful thoughts and insights about life and death on our walk in Chapel Hill yesterday. I loved that. He's great when his heart is open. But a real pill when it's not.

Anyway, I'm at peace. We...or I... am planning to go to New York this weekend and I'm looking forward to it and won't let him slow me down. God bless him. Please heal his heart. Show him the Way.