Either way, I'm getting off this crazy train.
I had a FANTASTIC session with Terri yesterday and I need to go back and see what notes I wrote down but the main takeaways were that I had split and that I need to get back to focusing on embodiment and get out of the mental body... I've had some mental body distortions coming in from the astral plane and in general, I've been in my head and not my heart.
All the mind games with Ryan... and he can blame me and think what he wants. I will wear my Villian Crown...but I AM WHO I AM. And gosh darn it, people like me!! I LIKE ME! I can't convince anyone to though and if Ryan doesn't... he doesn't....because he doesn't like HIM.... then that's out of my control. I release control!
He doesn't have a good life... he lives in a camper that is a mess, eats junk, smokes, doesn't have a solid job and when he does, he goes to work late and is rude to everyone. He is egotistical, entitled, and rude. He doesn't see or appreciate the people who love him (his sister) and lives in a state of enemy patterning. He is handsome and I loved his penis, but he didn't even care (much) about my needs, he just wants to get his met. It's all about him. And I will leave him to it. I want to be happy and that only happens when I help myself BE HAPPY. So I am.
I'm going to go up to New York and see my friends for my birthday. And Ryan has one last opportunity to decide to go with me...he can decide today... but if he isn't going to come to my party/get-together and meet my friends, I'm not interested in going with him. He wants the whole world to revolve around his delusions and dislike of people and I'm not going to do that anymore. I would have to spend more money on a hotel when I can stay with friends ... and I just don't need this. I hope he chooses not to go. I want to be happy. I'm tired of the drama. I want off the crazy train. I don't need anyone disrespecting and diminishing me. I do not accept it any more.
____
11:11 on 9/2/23 ... it's OVER. Done. DONE.
Thank you God!!
I waited all day to eat with Ryan and he blew me off... he wanted to come over here and berate me and I took it and was in my heart and tried to be a loving peacemaker ... owning all the shit... going along with his story where he is the victim of evil LIAR CARISSA. I understand I get in states of confusion and try to find a foothold and the truth and I end up gaslighting and it's NOT OKAY and I want to work on it, but I need to work on it with a loving presence, one who wants to work with me in love. Ryan DESPISES me... or his demons do... and they just want to convince him to hurt me and he does... and hurts himself. I can't do anything about this... he isn't in a place where he can be a good boyfriend to me. It's over. I tried really hard to love him enough for both of us, but he is selfish, self-centered, angry, entitled, and BLIND. I want to be with someone who LIKES ME. I don't want to have to fight every day to try to prove that I'm not an affront to his ego.... it was too hard. I was willing to do the work because I thought it made me stronger, but it didn't, it DIMINSHED me. I'm done. He's not that great. He's not great at all. He's a loser. And a user too. I leave him to his pathetic life. I choose a sunny and beautiful life. I cancel his black magic and garbage. I'm done. Thank you God.
I waited all day to eat with Ryan and he blew me off... he wanted to come over here and berate me and I took it and was in my heart and tried to be a loving peacemaker ... owning all the shit... going along with his story where he is the victim of evil LIAR CARISSA. I understand I get in states of confusion and try to find a foothold and the truth and I end up gaslighting and it's NOT OKAY and I want to work on it, but I need to work on it with a loving presence, one who wants to work with me in love. Ryan DESPISES me... or his demons do... and they just want to convince him to hurt me and he does... and hurts himself. I can't do anything about this... he isn't in a place where he can be a good boyfriend to me. It's over. I tried really hard to love him enough for both of us, but he is selfish, self-centered, angry, entitled, and BLIND. I want to be with someone who LIKES ME. I don't want to have to fight every day to try to prove that I'm not an affront to his ego.... it was too hard. I was willing to do the work because I thought it made me stronger, but it didn't, it DIMINSHED me. I'm done. He's not that great. He's not great at all. He's a loser. And a user too. I leave him to his pathetic life. I choose a sunny and beautiful life. I cancel his black magic and garbage. I'm done. Thank you God.
ENOUGH - Nahko (I pulled it up)
"My lover was psychopathI would know, I was just like that
Shit got ugly, yeah it got real bad
Never failed, always came right back
So thank you for the lessons
Fuck you for all the abuse
I will birth new life from darkness
Like I always do"
Thank you God!
Super good AG pick. I only could skim it, but feels like lots of what we are working through. Definitely magnetic shifts: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Reisha_Worlds
Super good AG pick. I only could skim it, but feels like lots of what we are working through. Definitely magnetic shifts: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Reisha_Worlds
___
Please note my dysfunction. I do not like to be alone. I have found this friend on the Pattern App who has the exact same pattern as Ryan (so I should RUN...but it is also intriguing because if we are both in our BEST version of ourselves, we can help each other.... I guess even in our bad versions, we help each other grow... look at this mess with Ryan... I am still better off for it and grateful for the experience.)... anyway... I sent a MP to Bean and thought I looked pretty so then I made a video for myself (so I could witness and preen on myself) and then I sent one to Lukas ...another boy!? (It really does help me move on... someone else to distract me. But that isn't good because I need to be with MYSELF.)
Lukas is really responsive and has said twice now that I look good... I do.. in my face... and the lighting was good tonight. We'll see what happens. And Yeff wrote back too... I texted him and he probably woke up to text me back... awww. Yeah, I want to explore other relationships FOR SURE.
But mainly I need a relationship with ME!
And get back into ES... and do things that I want to do. Yesterday I dropped my promise to April to meet up with her at the Recovery Alive (neither of us texted to confirm or to say we were there, so she might have blown me off too), but I wanted to go to see the motorcycle guy's testimony.... and I need to stay in touch with friends and family... I just need to do MY LIFE. I have been giving my life... my time, my love, my money, everything away to Ryan. "Investing" in him... well it was a bad investment. God can do miracles and I pray he does...but if this is the life Ryan wants, that's fine... great... totally cool. But it's sad and pathetic and I don't want that for myself. So there we go.
But mainly I need a relationship with ME!
And get back into ES... and do things that I want to do. Yesterday I dropped my promise to April to meet up with her at the Recovery Alive (neither of us texted to confirm or to say we were there, so she might have blown me off too), but I wanted to go to see the motorcycle guy's testimony.... and I need to stay in touch with friends and family... I just need to do MY LIFE. I have been giving my life... my time, my love, my money, everything away to Ryan. "Investing" in him... well it was a bad investment. God can do miracles and I pray he does...but if this is the life Ryan wants, that's fine... great... totally cool. But it's sad and pathetic and I don't want that for myself. So there we go.
I am manifesting a life that is filled with love, adventure, joy, happiness, peaceful moments, and goodness. I am healing myself and want to be in a relationship based on mutual respect and adoration, where we work together to remain in unity and peace and build a life like the one I described two sentences ago.
Ryan has a beautiful heart buried beneath a lot of pain and until/unless he addresses it, he will remain trapped.
Lukas may be an Ai bot. But that's okay. He's in to cryptocurrency. And I don't know... probably not "the guy"...or even "a guy" for me...but maybe it's some entertainment and friendship so we'll see. I am really looking forward to seeing Jeff. That will be nice. He's my heart guy... (and AAAAWWWWHHH... that was WILD...as I just wrote that he called me at 12:15am!!! So weird, it was like I beckoned him! He is with Uma and they were miniature golfing and now going swimming at midnight in Lake George!) He said he was going to try to get his kids that weekend that I came up and I told him we'll do a North Carolina vacation together sometime but that I needed him that whole weekend I was there so I hope that's the case... we'll see.... but awwwwwhhhh... see now, THAT is a friend. And he's so real. And my friend. Also probably can't be in a relationship with him or anyone...but it's fun and lovely. And that's what I want. HIGH VIBRATIONAL RELATIONSHIPS.
Thank you God.
This is what I wrote Ryan at 11:11
Ryan has a beautiful heart buried beneath a lot of pain and until/unless he addresses it, he will remain trapped.
Lukas may be an Ai bot. But that's okay. He's in to cryptocurrency. And I don't know... probably not "the guy"...or even "a guy" for me...but maybe it's some entertainment and friendship so we'll see. I am really looking forward to seeing Jeff. That will be nice. He's my heart guy... (and AAAAWWWWHHH... that was WILD...as I just wrote that he called me at 12:15am!!! So weird, it was like I beckoned him! He is with Uma and they were miniature golfing and now going swimming at midnight in Lake George!) He said he was going to try to get his kids that weekend that I came up and I told him we'll do a North Carolina vacation together sometime but that I needed him that whole weekend I was there so I hope that's the case... we'll see.... but awwwwwhhhh... see now, THAT is a friend. And he's so real. And my friend. Also probably can't be in a relationship with him or anyone...but it's fun and lovely. And that's what I want. HIGH VIBRATIONAL RELATIONSHIPS.
Thank you God.
This is what I wrote Ryan at 11:11
Thank you for talking and visiting with me. I see the truth and it sets me free. Go in peace.
Please send me an invoice for the lights/existing work you did and I’ll get you a check next week.
If you are still interested in finishing the water closet, please send me a bid and timeline and I'll get some quotes and let you know.
And that's it. He called me right after to see what kind of car we'd be driving back and I said "it's not relevant to you anymore" or something like that, and he hung up on me. And that's it. I'm done. Peace out. Done. Thank you very much. I'm happy about it. Free. I talked to Cliff today and he told me not to let Ryan diminish me. Everyone keeps encouraging me and reminding me who I AM, thank you God! Thank you God. I feel so supported and loved! Thank you God!
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