Today

 4:04, 4:24, 5:05

AG pick: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Soul_Disconnection

Going to see Roland the shaman today, thanks be to God. Please guide us, Beloveds!

______

9:49. I saw 1111 and 11:44 and 444 and 555 and 923

And I ate a slice of cheesecake and it was NOT good. I do not care for the taste of sugar. Too sweet. 

Just talking with the pendulum, it would be in my best interest to only eat meat and not eat vegetables and the heart palpitations are from detox and they will get better.

Beautiful session with Roland the shaman today. We spent 3.5 hours with him and he was so kind to us both. It was an honor and pleasure to hold space for Jannelle as he worked with her - first talking and then on the table. And then it was so helpful to talk with and sit as he cleared me. His hands were freezing cold and sometimes warm. Powerful healing energy.

I've got a LOT of energy now... spastic... intense. 

Then we went to the O'Malleys and we asked Ryan to come so Jannelle could meet him. Secretly I just wanted to hug him again. I love hugging him. It's not good. I have a divided heart. I really like him... he is so lovely and I am attracted to him and think he's amazing. But he smokes and has had the jab so that makes him offffff limits. He loves animals and wants them but he won't eat his own. 

I asked the pendulum if Paul was the best match for my partner and got a "yes" and if Ryan was my best match for a partner and got "yes" and if Jeff was my best match for a partner and got "no". 

I got wet talking to Ryan. Not good. 

I need more of Paul.

God, please lead. 

So with Roland, when he did the energy work, I felt him push a red and black blob of fear up and out of me. And something in my sacral attached to my mind.

Ryan loves America and sounds like he trusts the government. But he loves quantum physics.

We can be friends. I'm so glad. And maybe I can help him find a nice, pretty, sweet girl. 

PAUL is my guy!

And I am going to commit to another month of carnivore. No. I'm not doing a diet anymore. I commit to taking care of my body and giving it what it needs so it can heal. I am releasing toxins and oxalates and other crap. Let's eat MEAT and LIVE. 

So my focus will be on my personal foundations list:

• Meat is better for my body... it nourishes and supports it.
• Sugar and sweetners cause me to fall into addiction and separate me from sanity and God.
• Exercise - moving my body - makes me feel better!
• Meditation is good for my being
• Spending time with myself in the mirror daily helps me to feel loved and when I take the time to do it for long periods of time, it allows me to work with collapsing timelines or whatever that is.
• The sun salutation is a good way to get the energy moving in my body

SO TAKE CARE OF ME!!!!

I want my body to start burning fat as fuel and to eat the fat on my body.

____

3/1 5:34am. I dreamt of Ryan all night... when I was sleeping. I think my dreams are messing with me.
Took me a long time to get to sleep... an hour or two? I was cold. Lots of energy. In my dreams Ryan and I were getting together... this is not good. I need to get myself together. Paul and I are together and finally getting on the same page. 

He doesn't have time for me...but he's trying to better himself. 
What I like about Ryan are his eyes and his hugs and how he looks at me and how kind his heart is and his gratitude for life and how he can make or fix anything...super hot/sexy. He loves animals and I just like him. I do NOT like his jab or his smoking and those SHOULD be deal-breakers and I should just put this whole thing out of my head. But why is it in my heart? Ayla's quote that I used on her March calendar is speaking to this:

 “Wherever you feel 

              both 

      incredible longing

                 and 

                     intense fear

            THAT is where life

        is calling you.

                    Lean in…

       go you where the energy is

especially if it scares ya a little bit…”

          ~Ayla Nereo

But I may also have Red Wave trying to hijack Pauls and my sacred union. We are getting closer! Beautiful lovemaking and commitment to healing. He is getting stronger and more confident. WE ARE BECOMING.

Jeff and Ryan have been my fantasys for a long time...especially strongly the last couple months. Hijack????? Yes. Probably. 
I asked the pendulum and got an "I don't know" or "you're on your own" message. 

I need to make a hot water bottle and try to go back to sleep. 3/1 5:43. Braden is 40 today!!!!!

Dump

Where to start? I want to start somewhere and share some of where I'm at. Life is very full right now. Full with responsibilities, lessons, growth, and beauty. 

I didn't know what to call this entry so I just wrote "Dump" but that is a good place to start. I pooped last night. It had been maybe 5-6 days and it was stuck again. It took an hour and some water enemas but I got it out! This carnivore diet is causing constipation ... bad... and heart palpitations and some numbness in my hands today. But the heart racing and beating hard and breathlessness and pressure in my skull and ears and heat changes... it's all healing of my body... regulating... detoxing... I need to remember that I am HEALING. I am not losing any more weight. I lost around 10 pounds, give or take, but I've stalled...except I do feel like I might be building muscle... exercise feels good. I feel good. I just need to figure out how to get my bowels healthy. I am adding more magnesium and probiotics and yesterday I ordered folate and some new multivitamins. 

I also decided to eat honey again yesterday... I made honey mousse. I had made Le'Anna the most amazing multi-layered Chocolate Mousse Cheesecake (gluten-free oreo crust, cheesecake, chocolate mousse, chocolate ganache, more oreos, whipped cream, and strawberries) and I didn't eat even a bite!! It was really hard to do and I feel accomplished BUT in hindsight I feel like I missed out, like I shouldn't stop living... that if I want a bite of something like that, I should feel free to do it. So now I've decided to make Deirdre and Jim a cheesecake like what Evangeline made us ... maple brown butter... and I am planning to have a bite if it works out. 

But yesterday I realized I could make mousse with honey...so it's carnivore friendly... it's just egg yokes, heavy cream, and honey. And deeeelicous. But today I've already eaten two servings (1 oz cups) of it. I need to make more because I ate Paul's. 

Sweet makes me want more sweet. Even the Primal buffalo sauce is addictive. I need to cut ALL OF IT out. Alllllll of it. I heard a great statement this morning where this man said that he doesn't even consider stealing... it's not part of his makeup... so when he walks past a woman's purse on a table, he doesn't even think about taking it. The same with donuts... he no longer even considers that... it's not who he is... so if he walks past donuts on a table he doesn't even consider eating one. 

I need to see that, like Sioux, even without diagnosis, I have insulin resistance and I am on the road to diabetes and heart disease and cancer and alzheimers.... all the bad stuff. BUT I came here to OVERCOME that and all the "mental illness" from dissociation and trauma. (I definitely relate to the "Developmental Trauma Disorder" that is in "The Body Keeps The Score" book.) But I want to heal myself and then help others to heal! Look at all the support God is giving me! Even this weekend, God sent me some angels... some crystals... one was an honorary Auralite 23 wrapped in a copper ankh and it chose me! It called me in and is here to help me and I'm moved and grateful and already feeling the support!

Paul and I are doing better... I mean... we made beautiful love ... no...wild, passionate, crazy sex like I haven't done before. It was like sex in the movies... and it felt so good! We needed to have sex for days or a week before but finally did yesterday... AFTER I lost my mind. It was a rollercoaster. I woke up and felt that he had slighted me in some way... I can't even remember what it was but I decided that I quit again. This is my "M.O." and it is the only way to move the needle for him... but it's a gamble... I'm trying to either resolve or end the misery and I hope he will resolve it but at some point he might say "okay, go!".  But we are meant to be together to do this work together. We are BECOMING together and it's so wonderful when we are aligned. Yesterday he was so strong and wise and steadfast ...even when I was screaming like a banshee with so much anger because I didn't feel like he was listening to me when I was sharing my situation with Jim's website. 

I put it all on the table in a voice note to Jeff too... on the way to the "Body Mind Spirit Expo". I had had a dream the night before about Jeff and we were so playful and cute and sweet and we loved each other so much... but he wasn't kissing me when I really wanted him to. I also was trying to save him from a woman who was seducing him. But we were just soul siblings. (As I think of it now, it really does feel more like that... brother and sister, right?) He was and is of my youth. I would have loved to have a chance at a life with him but he's really messed up. Not only is he actively trying to kill himself with alcohol, but he does drugs... has done bad drugs and now takes that heroin substitute...methadone... to deal with his pain. He is not well. And he never wanted to be married. I do. I fantasized a cozy life where we explore the outdoors and hike and play and take his kids on trips and love and laugh... but that's all in my mind. He hasn't even chosen LIFE... or his KIDS... let alone ME. I am drawn to the broken birds as always.... I want to help him. But that is "hero-savior" and "rescuer" consciousness and not "safe" for either of us. Paul is the One. Paul is my divine partner and we are here to do the work together. He's been doing so much on his own and is becoming the man of my dreams. Jeff is my teenagehood friend and I need to leave our potential for love back there unless something shifts in the universe. 

But I left him a message talking about how it messed me up when he said "lets have sex" last year... it set me off into fantasy land. 

It's all red cube. It's all implants and NAA consciousness trying to mess with my mind. I had a dream last night about another nice man (who I didn't know) and I felt loving, warm feelings and attraction to him. I need to CHOOSE PAUL. Paul is my mate. Paul is my partner. Paul is my beloved and the one I want to be in Sacred Union with. 

I've been so dehydrated all year. Moreso since the carnivore diet. And also since the RO water filter. I got my Berkey back though, so that's good. 

Jannelle and I went to the Body Mind Spirit Expo yesterday and it was magical! So many soul siblings!! It was like being home! We had a transcendent mini-session with a shaman named Roland. I hope we can have another appointment soon. He was so beautiful and loving and helpful. So brave ....courageous... to step out in that way to hold space for us. I had a big sobbing breakthrough at one point. And he saw how much fear I had and said I had to face it. He saw that my trauma began at around age 6 and continued through ages 7, 8...9? I don't know where he stopped or if it was continual. But age 6 is on point... that's what I always feel too when I see my little towheaded inner child.

Pedophilia feels to be a large soul contract I came to work with. I don't like it. But I must learn to love it.

We had our auras photographed and our chakras read and mine is SCARY. It's so red!! And orange. And there are lots of spirit guides, so that's nice, thank you Guardians! My sacral and heart chakras are WIDE OPEN... LARGE now... working with healing the 2D/4D split for sure. 

From what I understand, the red is intensity and sounds like inflammation and business and stress... but I also wonder if it's "red ray"... red cube... victim victimizer stuff? My root and solar plexus chakras are soooooo smalllllll. No wonder I feel ungrounded.

I called an ambulance for a girl who collapsed. She was okay. Dr. Bobby said that she had an activation. She just passssssed out. (Jannelle and I were eating lunch nearby... I had oxtails and jerk chicken. Not the tastiest...and $26 for 2 sides of meat!! I was hungry and couldn't think straight.)

We met so many lovely people. I stood under Twisted Sage Studios tower and felt shifts. We met amazing crystal people and I brought home a Staurolite, Tibetan Black Quartz, Pink & Black Tourmaline with Smokey Quartz palm stone, and the Auralite23 in a copper anhk! That was an amazing experience to get that! It just called to me! And the artist ended up selling it to me for $111. I don't even know what it cost but I know the smaller one was $111 and I asked them if they could sell me that one for $111 and he DID and I gave him a big hug and then they took a video of me and now it's on his instagram, ha! I touched souls with many beautiful people that day and he was one of them.

Jannelle and I paid $60 to sit in magnetic bubble thing ... halosomething... that sounded like a rife machine in a way. The Color Me Wellness reiki guy, Dr. Bobby, said that it aligns our cells or creates coherence in them. It really helped Jannelle with her inflammation and joints. I thought it messed me up some... but it was probably the food I ate. 

There's more, but I'm tired. It was a good weekend. OH SNAP! I didn't even talk about Le'Anna's 40th birthday party. She asked me to throw her one - pause... my fingers are numb from copper or heavy metal dumping and typing on this computer... yuck - aaaanyway... I put it together and then 2 days before, she wanted to cancel it and just hang out with Jannelle and I and her family. She wanted to go to the Luminosity festival at Pullen Park to see the lights. Sooooo Jannelle and I threw her (and Scott, Charlie, John, JoJo and Mama Rita) a dinner party at her house and I made that cheesecake and we had a lovely time there and then went to the lights. I had some anxiety come up during the festival but I moved through it and lived! 

Okay, I need an EMF break. 

MUAH!

_______

Today's AG pick: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Malchuth

Amazing because I've been seeing 10:10 all time lately, including today. Malchuth is the 10th sphere in the Kabbalah's Tree of Life.

"Malchuth represents the 10th sphere in the Kabbalah version of the ten based tree of life. It translates as Kingdom. It is associated with the realm of matter/earth and relates to the physical world, the planets and the solar system. Malchuth completes the chain of the Sephiroth, bringing the totality of our creative energies throughout each sphere into manifestation. If we imagine the first three Sephiroth to be an idea arising in the mind, the second three to be the stirrings in the heart as it weighs and evaluates it, and the third three to be the qualities of action that bring it into being, then Malchuth is its actual being; its manifestation. Yesod has gathered together all of the higher energies of creation into reproduction, it filters through Malchuth as the material manifestation. The Malchuth aspect corresponds to the fruits of our labor, that which actually happens in the material world."

note:

"Due to patriarchal distortions brought through the hidden Negative Alien invasion, the tree of life was disfigured to ten spheres instead of the original mathematical base of twelve. The Kabbalah tree of life represents the distorted 10D base code genetic blueprint of the black sun regressive lineages. Melchizedeks returning to the earth field at the end of the cycle, are attempting to correct and rebuild the distorted Tree of Life back to its correct formula base 12." 

Whoah! Malchuth is the "root chakra"!! Mine is so small ... I think it's going through a repatterning to purge the inverted metatronic reversals... this is the work WE ARE doing. So hang tough and support the work in LOVE. Thank you GOD!!!!!!! 

_______

Posted in ESF... first in a long time:

Hello beloved familia!

How are you all doing? What a life, aye? I went to a "Body, Mind, Spirit Expo" this weekend which was ....whooooo.... soooooo cool! So many soul siblings in one room! Magic!

While there, I got an aura photo and the result is both fascinating and frightening to me. Do any of you read auras and/or aura photos? I wish I had recorded the interpreter tell me what it means but, alas, did not. He said the left side represents what I am actually feeling and creating for myself in the near future, and that the right side is how I express myself and how others perceive me. He said the orange was creative energy and red was intensity and I can’t remember what else… overwhelm or stress maybe? He recommended I take some “blue vervain” to chillllll out.

We also ordered up a chakra reading and he said my crown, third eye, and throat chakras look “good” but you can see my heart and sacral are blown way out and the solar plexus and root are barely breathing.

Seems right… I continue to try to support healing of the 2D/4D split and have definitely felt ungrounded and am working with fear and trauma in a big way.

He said the purple orbs over my head were spirit guides. And he said what the one on my heart was…but I can’t remember. I asked what the green around the heart area was and can’t remember what he said. Darn! Maybe that was where he asked if I wanted some change in my life?

My friend noticed the white light at my third eye. I thought it was from the flash or a shiny forehead but she didn’t think so… she doesn’t have that on hers, so I don’t know.

Anyway… it’s interesting. But I wonder if it’s representative of the red wave consciousness that I am working with… victim-victimizer, HG reversals, etc.

I do have a lot going on (as usual) … of course it’s my perception that colors everything in life… and maybe my aura too?

Would love any insight if anyone else has had theirs done and remembers anything?

The man also recommended I listen to Wayne Dyer’s “Into The Gap” meditation and read Esther Hicks “Ask and It Shall Be Given”…. he said to especially focus on the manifestation box in there.

Thank you for being on this journey too... wild ride!
Love you all!
Carissa

______

I fall into an addiction pit when I eat sugary/sweet foods. I keep going. I find more. I crave. Remember that book "Made To Crave"? That was talking about God, but see here? Yes, I need to fill the addiction/cravings WITH GOD! And I need to see these things that do not serve me as POISON. I need to CHANGE MY MIND.

In the meantime, I'm an ADDICT.

I admit my life has become unmanageable. I need those 12 steps... it's time to look at and heal this thing. 

Today I stayed with the Carnivore diet but made more honey mousse... this time with brown butter, a little vanilla, and some cinnamon. I haven't figured it out yet... I'm still playing a "DIET GAME"... a GAME... I haven't realized the LIFESTYLE change... I need to change how I SEE it. I need a heart change. God, I know you can help. I just need to go along with you!! 

When I'm ready it's not going to be the Carnivore DIET anymore... it's going to be my LIFE. My nourishment. My food source. 

SWEET STUFF isn't okay for me. I'd say some fruit is, but it's sweet. I need to OWN MY BODY and take good care of it. Put HEALTH IN and not DEATH/POISON. I need to bring CONSCIOUSNESS to my decisions and walk toward LIFE and HEALTH. 

It's not a game that I need to "play" to get what I want... I want sweet, I'll find a way around the "diet rules". That's not the way. That's a GAME. 

I want to be done with the game. 

When will I commit? 

It takes silence, meditation, contemplation, and to get in ALIGNMENT with my SELF.  I want to. 9:08.... 

or... I still WANT TO WANT TO. 

So I'll be there for now. 

And try not to blow myself up in the meantime.

It feels so much better in my body and it's so nice to make love with Paul when we feel better. And it's great to go to the gym and it's great to have energy and feel accomplished.

This whole trauma healing is about taking OWNERSHIP of MY life and body and canceling the programming and damage that has me flowing downstream wherever my flesh or mind lead...  I must STAND FIRM IN CHRIST.

My friends, my crystal friends, are here to help!

Busy Day

Work/Malai
Gym - coaching session
Made Le’Anna’s Chocolate Mousse Cheesecake … big undertaking! 

Started insurance CE… finished 7 credit hour Underwriting course

Talked for an hour to Ayla about work with her

Went to post office - mailed off my Rainbow Sandals to hopefully get fixed

Tried again to contact the man to make sure he received my Rife machine…post office can’t find receipt.

Tried to go to Dollar Tree… it was closed because there was a shooting!

Did Castor Oil pack with new organic oil and pack

Did two loads of laundry

Shaved my coochie

Sat on an ant hill while trying to feed and play with chickens and got bit all in my lady parts

There’s more too… I’m just so tired.

Paul goes back to his 4am wake up next week. 

Tomorrow I'm supposed to go to Jannelles and celebrate Le'Anna (because today she cancelled the party that she asked me to throw for her. She wants to go to the Pullen Park light show tomorrow.)
Jannelle and I want to go to the "Body, Mind, Spirit Expo" on Saturday anyway.

The BIGGEST accomplishment is that I didn't eat or taste ANY of all the decadent layers of Le'Anna's cake!!

I tried making crepes with just egg whites and heavy cream (and cooked in butter). 

I DID successfully make a dessert with heavy cream, cinnamon, and vanilla! WHIPPED!

I did 2 loads of laundry today.

Oh! And Sioux had her pedicure this morning and her teeth floated this afternoon.

Talked to Le'Anna and Jannelle and Paul and Michael and Page.

I looked at land and houses (my addiction).

___

This morning, 2/24/23 I saw 7:07, 8:08, 8:18.  The other day I saw 12:12 and 12:13... I see 12:13 and 13:12 all the time ... and lots of 911...well 19:11 last night trying to talk to Ayla. Hmmmm. Anyway... so many numbers. It was 8:44 now when I started typing. 

Poop

I am not having the rising anxiety about it that I was last week, but it's been 15 days and I haven't pooped naturally. I did some enemas last week but I haven't in many days... maybe 5...and no poop still. 

God, I'd like to poop please. 

Love Myself

Tomorrow, for Valentine's Day, I will reclaim my love for my body and self. I see how just a little bit of milk and honey... innocent lattes... not even lattes... just foamy milk and honey... triggers and enslaves me. These are "sweet tastes"... these are sweets that pull me off center and away from my health and well-being. I choose ME. I choose HEALTH. 

I have stuck to my commitment for 14 days so far... 2 weeks... to only eat animals foods (and supplements and seasonings and tea). I haven't eaten many seasonings but feel that the little barbeque sauce I had that one or two times felt wrong. But I guess it's not. It's a seasoning.

I am ADDING a new commitment for the rest of the month. "NO SWEET TASTES". That means no more honey. And I know milk triggers me too.... and it's not good for me and it makes me fatter. I want to teach my body to USE fat as an energy source, not to store it. The best way I can take care of myself is to only eat meat....and I can use cheese as a condiment as the guy Paul likes (Dr. Chaffee I think) says. 

I love you. You felt this. You didn't do anything wrong. I mean... you did. You got out of control after you had the milk and honey "latte"... in the end I had 3...or 4? And I had 2 (or 3?) plates of turkey bacon, brie, and honey. I was out of control. I want to maintain control. 

I watched hours and hours of TV too. 

So. I see.

I am committed for the month and then we can try adding vegetables if we want to...to see how that affects us. But we want to do a month of animal products only... meat... and now no more sweets! (I didn't have many... the first time I saw how it spiked my anxiety and decided not to again. But I did it again last night at the Superbowl party and that triggered my binge today. So only 3 (maybe 4) days.... but NO MORE. 

Thank you God!

9/11 - GEG

I have been seeing 9:11 (and 19:11) and 10:10 A LOT lately. While talking to Rosemary I realized that this awful earthquake in Turkey and Syria are related... this is the area of the Golden Eagle Grid and the 10th-dimensional stargate. I have a sense that somehow that "earthquake" is an "inside job".... like the NYC 9/11 was. 

I suspect this is a big piece of what my consciousness is working on. And also why I may be experiencing chest pains for transits... 

Also, rest in peace beloved Chris-the-three from our front yard. He was cut down yesterday. We loved you, brother. May you be free!

90% (or more) Bad

Someone... Corie or Jannelle... recently quoted something from a book that was talking about something that you are invested in...pursuing... I think this was a job or sport they were referencing, but I think it applies to all of life...

It went something like you should have a balance where things are 33% hard, 33% neutral, and 33% good/rewarding. 

If I apply that to my relationship with Paul, it shows me that it's time to genuinely tap-out. I'm being generous when I say that it's 90% hard, 8% neutral, and 2% good. 

This morning I awoke to him yelling at me sarcastically about something. I don't even remember what it was, but he was doing that anger-sarcasm-acting-yelling thing. It was very unpleasant. And then he didn't say anything to me for the hour we were awake together... and then when I went out to feed Sioux, he left for work. An hour and 45 minutes before he needed to be there. It's 33 minutes away. 40 MAYBE with the road construction on Brogden.

He always leaves an hour and a half early. Yesterday he was excited to take on additional responsibility to go back and work in the Fab shop from 10-3 and then keep his other job from 3-10:30. 

He is constantly in his pain body complaining how he doesn't have time, but he spends his time on his phone - brain games, social media, email, etc.... and then listens to books at work (which is great)... and works. He chooses how he is spending his life but he doesn't see that. He's stuck... and miserable... and taking it out on me.

Yesterday he whines how "no one" does anything to help him. (Oh, except taking care of our animals, home, cleaning, my SELF, and he's been happily gobbling up the food that I've bought with my own money. He makes more than me and won't help pay for Rue's medicine or Rue or Moses' food or Sioux's food or care (or mine)... or even help with things like the Rife machine...)... I also cook and provide food for him... there was chicken last night and broths and cooked meat and cheese and he complained. 

His work schedule ... if I go with it makes it so we get 6 hours of sleep. That's not enough for me. That's not going to work. I have been doing 7 hours with him but now it's 6 or less and when I asked if he minded shutting the door when he woke up an hour earlier, he became hostile. And I think that's when he complained that no one did anything for him. Because he wants me to get up earlier and make his breakfast and lunch. I might WANT to do that if he appreciated it...but I did that for a year... waking at 4am to help and it wasn't appreciated or reciprocated. Our yard is a mess. He doesn't care or take pride in our home or investment in our relationship. 

I waited all day for him to come home last night (as I do all the time) and he just wanted to watch TV. He got mad when I tried to talk to him. He gets hostile and quiet and I feel the anger seething. I did, eventually, stay up and watch a TV show with him (though I didn't want to... I would rather have spent time connecting...talking...or even reading in bed). But that was what he wanted to do to unwind so I did. That's compromising in a relationship. 

Anyway...the point is that we are not happy. 

God sees and I need to just work on myself.... and let him do his thing. DO ME and LET PAUL BE. He had a spiritual component when we got together and maybe he'll find it again. But there's a lot of mess keeping him from listening to his heart. (Me too. I have to focus on healing ME.) 

It's a gift that he's not here Monday-Thursday. Enjoy it. Be happy. Do ME. And find something else to do on the weekends. 

Doors will open... the path will light before me. Just be kind. 

____
5:22 I got THIS (Trickster) as my AG pick today! Seems pretty fitting for both Paul and I. (Mirrors, gah!). https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Trickster

I want to heal this out of myself, God. I want to heal the Imposter Spirit out of myself, God! I was going to say "please help"...but You ARE. That's why I'm given the gift to see it. 

9:09, 9:23, 9:44, 21:55, right now it's 10:10

WHY did I start carnivore?

Well the main reason I started Carnivore is because Paul found it and has encouraged me. I don't think I would have gone down this road otherwise. I know that sugar isn't my friend but hadn't heard of anti-nutrients before...or thought of them in that way. Although I had heard from Charlotte that oxalates and polyols were coming up as not good for me. 

But I have not felt as bad or sick as I did in December into January for a long time. I think it's from ascension symptoms, but maybe I'm getting upgraded to a body that DOES NOT DO SUGAR or other crap. Does it do honey? Honey is an animal food? I think I used to react to honey because of my B-Vitamin deficiency but it seems okay now.  Or does it? It seems like anything I eat is making me feel bad. 

I am dehydrated so often!

But in December and January anytime I would eat, I would feel sick. Woozie, unwell, inflamed. I have been dealing with dizziness...which, again, I'm sure is related to planetary ascension... but it's quite uncomfortable. And my blood sugar seems to be having some serious trouble.

I got a cold and maybe sinus infection in January and that made me feel bad/worse. I just didn't feel good in my body. I feared diabetes but I fear the doctor so I don't want to find out. I'm just going to heal my body... help it to have the environment to heal. I think I've got chronic infections. I've definitely been having some serious nerve...central nervous system... issues and discomfort. My left side especially. Since carnivore it's been my left foot....but also continued left arm and shoulder and sometimes headaches.

I also get boils...hydrentitis suppertiva. My hair was falling out so badly - especially in December... and into January. It's getting better now. Still falling out but not as bad.

I'm on my 7th day of full carnivore. My only "cheats" have been chamomile tea, supplements, and 2 coffee enemas so far. Mmmm, and yesterday I had a 1/4 tsp of decaf coffee crystals to make a latte. Today I'm going to try another one with just honey, butter, and milk...sprinkled with some salt.

Anyway, I felt bad. Out of body. Sick and getting sicker. I still feel disconnected and woozy. I am having some real weakness when I wake up. Oh... lack of energy is a big thing too. That's been going on a long time.

And the BIGGEST thing always is the dang ANXIETY. Always plaguing me. I feel disconnected and ungrounded and in such fear. I want to heal all these free-floating anxiety OUT!!

Mineral imbalance? Probably.

I need to take some copper, I think. Maybe not. The dousing crystal just gave me an ambiguous (up and down) answer. (It also just confirmed that I am healing and on the right path, thanks be to God!)

6/6:06 (been seeing 6:06 a bunch... and 9:11 lately and 10:10.... working these indigo pieces on healing the NRG, I'm guessing.)

I forgot to mention that it seemed my kidneys and bladder were having some big problems too. I was peeing often... not a lot of pee sometimes... but I'd wake sometimes every hour at night to pee... or close to it. And that twitch in my left cheek. 

I'm sure there's more. I should write it down. 
I just weighed myself and I was 164.6 which is very good for me.

I talked to Jeff tonight... he called which was nice. I sure love him a lot. But he is really messed up. He told me that he's taking methadone for the pain that he's experiencing. 

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6/9:52 Thank you God for allowing me to be a part of this work. I feel that I just had a transit session... I had some left chest pains come through and I was called away to be with them. I sat on my cushion in the living room and felt and prayed and cried and burped. It's been a while since I've been able to do that. I hope it is because my vessel is being retuned to be supportive. If I can remain in love... lighter...and healthier... I can be of use. Thank you God. 

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Thank you God for also keeping me in the loop the way you do... the perfect way. Pulling the 5D Higher Mind meditation yesterday and all the Egypt clues... it's all tied in... and it feels related to the earthquakes today...some thing was shaken in Turkey and Syria. God, please take care of the creatures... the humans and animals who are hurting and in fear and loss and grief... OH GOD, please!! 

I just found the 2/3/23 update on ESF and am downloading it now. I've got to wait to do it. 

"Dismantling Saqqara Metatronic Net Hyperdimensional Field connected to the Christos holocaust timelines:"

This is also why I've been seeing 9:11... it's all tied together. Thank you God for pulling me back in! This is what we are working on, Beloved. This is why you are here, precious one. Don't fear when your consciousness is busy with other things... you are a part of this mission working to love and heal the earth. We are also wanting to love and heal you and your architecture and ego, etc, love. All in good time. You are doing great! I AM HERE. I am too. Thank you!!! Thank you! (These look like enthusiastic thank yous and they are but they are coming along with tears.) 

The Sirius and Canopis meditation that I pulled this afternoon must have to do with supporting planetary alignment as well. 

This is what I was trying to write earlier but it didn't come out right... where I said that I need to stay positive... I was thinking of this.

"We can direct Negative Polarity, Positive Polarity and Neutral point as positions for energy to manifest, and the quality of the manifested thing will reflect that same vibration within the creation point of its structure."

(from my AG pick today: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Manifestation)

Being in the positive and neutral point is where I sure like it better. But I also came to explore the Negative, so give myself a break and a pat on the back for being willing and doing the work. It's not easy but I am with you always. I think it was really helpful to sit in the sun today. Thank you for the sun today, God.

My Personal Foundations List

TAKE ONE:

My Personal Foundations List (inspired by Kelly Hogan's coaching group):

• I am a part of something bigger than myself
• Serving… praying for… loving… others is the fastest way to feel aligned
• Sugar separates me from God (breaks down my ability to connect… guessing it’s from inflammation)
• Chocolate makes me mean

That’s it. I’m exploring the rest. I didn’t realize that vegetables were making me sick or why. I heard from a nutritionist that my body was having bad reaction to oxalates and polyols. I need to figure out if all vegetables affect me or just some… how this whole thing works… does my body just tolerate some of them BETTER than others… but is there a benefit to eating them for me or is it just acceptable. (The way SOME people can live on the SAD.)

I thought dairy wasn’t good for me. A1 probably… mostly… but I’m exploring that now.

Post about my lesbianism

VLP Kim asked:

Thank you for sharing your journey. I’m curious… at one point you were experiencing life as a lesbian and now your beloved is a man? I’m curious if your attractions changed through the course of the personal work that you describe. I really enjoy looking at sexual orientation and sexuality through different lenses, and I’d love to hear more about your journey in this regard if you want to share more. Feel free to dm me if you wish, and I understand also if you’ve shared fully already.

My response:

Thank you for reading and for your inquiry, Kim! I also enjoy looking at sexual orientation and sexuality through different lenses and wish that I had found some sort of universal truth around this topic ...I haven't yet though! (I don't even fully understand it in myself.)

I identified as a lesbian in my late teenage years and early twenties - about 4 years total - and couldn't imagine it being any other way. I was a loud and proud "dyke" with a shaved head and chains, ha! Three of those years were spent with the same woman who I was very bonded to. I was surrounded by a wonderful and supportive community and took pleasure in finding my identity in what was still a fairly fringe part of society at the time (the 90's). 

I have always been more masculine. I've heard that copper toxicity (which I believe I have had for a long time) can also impact this - must have to do with hormones. I had a TCM practitioner once ask me if I was attracted to women and I told her I was and she got all giddy and said "she knew it!" because of my copper levels?! 

If I was a teenager today, I am sure I would be going down the transgender path. I was very boyish and didn't accept my body. (I am still working on that.) I even found a way to have a breast reduction in my late teens.... which I now regret so much! I believe there is a  transhuman agenda in play and have been watching it gradually amping up over the years. I see this from a few angles - the "why?"... I see a "controller" narrative that is trying to enslave humanity by disconnecting our bodies and spirits (and the ability to procreate) ... and I also see fellow polarity integrators wanting to feel into gender dysphoria and follow the threads to reverse engineer it.  Ultimately I trust that our souls are all working something out and will find peace and correct the reversals and distortions that have been energetically anchored in the earth's body. Not a one-life project... and we're working together... healing the human back to the originally intended blueprint is the goal (as I understand it).

I digress. I'm sorry. Anyway, it feels like physical makeup, societal influence, trauma, and maybe past life consciousness bleed-through all very much affect our sense-of-self/gender and sexual identity. 

For me, I would say that I've always been in pursuit of Love.  I wasn't (and still am not-yet) very sexually charged. My lower energy centers seem to have sustained trauma and I am actively working to heal them. I never really understood physical attraction... not on the body level... it has always been about the relationship... the connection... the friendship. My current relationship is the first one where I'm consciously trying to learn to connect to my gender center and heal it... where "wet pussy" seems to be something I'm interested in.

I couldn't orgasm until I was in my 30's and could only get there using a vibrator (transhuman/Ai agenda anyone??). This past year I've introduced yoni eggs and an obsidian wand and thrown out all my vibrators so that I can try to heal organically. 

This is a lot more than you were asking for... thank you again for asking. I don't think I even sufficiently answered your question... all of these topics are interwoven. In summary, I'd say that I STILL don't know how I'd identify. Yes, I'm in a relationship with a man. I've been married multiple times but still don't know who I am or what I'm doing here, ha! Lately I've felt like I had the opportunity to go back to a lesbian relationship but it doesn't feel right to me. I feel that one of my assignments that I gave myself in this life is to learn to embody a hierogamic union and anchor that healing energy so we can come back to balance and unity on earth. Part of the journey and exploration involved feeling into some other paths and experiences, but ultimately I want to experience and model sacred union. It's my belief that that takes a man and a woman who are embodying their own divine masculinity and femininity (once they've married those within themselves so that they are whole).... so... that's what I'm working on/with. Whoooo. :)

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Numbers have been wild and strong lately. 222 a lot. I woke up and felt that I needed to note the 3:21/3 last night and have it again right now 3/3:21. Now 3/3:22

444 and 111 a lot too. And 15:15 but also 20:20 and others. 

VLP Community Post on Om Rupani Podcast

Pondering activated by Om Rupani podcast...

I started responding on the “What did you think about the Om Rupani podcast?” thread but think it fits better here :) ...

I am really enjoying the podcast series and am delighted that these topics right out-of-the-gate center around masculine and feminine energies, roles, polarities, and union. This is the work that I have been engaged with for many years (first to heal and marry my internal masculine and feminine energies, and then to do the same with another human).

As part of my soul's consciousness exploration (and polarity integration), I've lived both as devoted lesbian as well as a misogynistic zealot. I have been a feminist chanting at rallies and an influencer sharing about the importance of following your master/husband. Eventually both of those extreme lifestyle polarities faded and I embarked on a journey of trying to find neutrality in all things.

A little over a year ago, my soul called in a man who is also passionate about finding the way to sacred union, and healing the energetic and societal gender reversals that have left us broken. Many of his understandings (and wounds) were echoed through Om Rupani's sharing. I was not familiar with BDSM before I met Paul (other than mainstream conversation and books like "Fifty Shades of Grey”), but my sweetheart had been participating in a similar mindset and community called "Humbled Females". I continue to experience feelings of resistance when I hear the confident tone of people (like Om) staking his claim and saying things that go against the societal norm (created by the feminist agenda, designed to blow up the family unit/y). I agree with Kelly that it seems like a psyop - for sure. Anyway…  when I feel into the discomfort (enter through the upset), it does offer me an opportunity to explore and challenge my masculinized ego. 

Let’s be honest, my practice of emasculating and disrespecting my partner has destroyed all of my relationships and it is only by the grace of God that I have gotten opportunities to try again. I’m 45 now and determined to correct my distortions and reversals so I can live as a humble, gentle and loving woman who takes pleasure in connection through heart-centered service to my beloved. 

This work is so hard though. As much consciousness as I’ve collected around the topic… as much experience swimming around in it, I STILL mess up all.the.time.  As women, we are programmed to both be the captain of our own ship as well as to expect the “Princess" experience when we get into a relationship... to be adored and served…and when we don’t experience that, we get feisty. We’ve … I’ve… been taught to WRANGLE my experience…that I can do anything I put my mind to… and I learned to control (and manipulate) until I got my way (which I perceived to be the BEST way for ALL parties involved). This is the energy of a leader (and a tyrannical one at that)… not a follower/submissive. Men are designed to lead and it EMPOWERS them to have a devoted follower.

The way to overcome my entitled, narcissistic viewpoint is to learn to serve. I must overcome codependency by letting go and focusing on self-love. To meet my own need to be seen and loved. Kelly’s work has been so supportive and inspiring around this. This whole (life) exercise is between “me” and “ME”… my earth-self/Carissa and my higher self. We are on the playground of this earth to explore the contrast … to feel and overcome the challenges. This is the GOOD STUFF. 

So even though I have read and studied and practiced and could tell anyone else how to embody the divine feminine, I continue to struggle with it myself. I hold onto (and am apparently enjoying wrestling) with my ego. I need to learn to trust… and like Kelly said (I was one of the people with the deep sigh while listening to the Weston Price talk)…we long to be well-handled by a strong and compassionate man. We long to be seen and still loved in our mess. The NeedtoBreathe song, “Banks” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fqifjBtNzLw) is my favorite song because it captures so much of what I understand a divine union to look like. The man holds the structure… the banks… and the woman brings the flow… and together they go places. 

I’m so blessed to be given this opportunity to be in a relationship with a man who shares my interest and commitment to healing. Now how do I keep him? I need to humble myself and learn to trust and submit to his authority. To GIVE him authority over me. I’ve been trying to figure out how to maintain my personal sovereignty… but also to entrust him with all of me... and I haven’t found a way to do both. I’ve tried playing the part of a submissive (humbled female) but only half-heartedly because I don’t know how to let go all the way. I like to play the game, but I haven’t gotten to the end of my self…my ego. Along the EK work lines, I am still exploring the discomfort (wonderful experience) of failing at this … of being a “strong woman”. 

I think I’m waiting for Paul/the man to be SO STRONG that my stubborn independence and I-know-better attitude melts away naturally. I think it was Kelly who said that we long for a man who is smarter and stronger than us. But I’m so egotistical that I haven’t found that… and my current partner COULD BE… I just don’t let him (in my mind and then manifest that energy into reality). The thing is, I think we are here at this time on the earth to help heal the distortions and damages to the human lightbody and holding space for each other to heal is a big part of it. So I feel that it is my work to hold space for the masculine to remember their power and role. So am I supposed to “fake it til we make it”? Maybe so. But it feels inauthentic. All of this is the workings of the mind anyway…. so how can I emBODY the work and heal the human? 

Whoo. You hear how divided I am… I say one thing… I study and learn and talk about the divine feminine and empowering the divine masculine to take back his power….but at the same time I think I’m the boss of that topic… that it’s ME ordaining…ordering… this. So it’s still me, a woman, leading a man… even to control/manipulate him into feeling strong. Messy business. 

I can’t imagine anyone got through this whole thing, but if so. Thank you for being a compassionate witness. Lots of love to all!

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Also, it feels like Egypt is DEFINITELY "up". Uncle Robert mentioned it this morning too! Healingggggg.

I am definitely feeling some anxiety and feeling "weird" in my body. Very cold. Heart palpitations sometimes. Weak. I had an armpit smell. My left foot and ankle is still having nerve issues. I'm not sure what to eat. I have lots TO eat... but I ate all those oxtails this morning and they were quite fatty. I just had a slice of turkey bacon and a hard boiled egg. They were tasty. But I don't think the hard boiled egg yoke is as good (if at all). Breathe sweet girl. 

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My AG pick today: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Child_Sexual_Abuse_Implanted_Thoughts

I, for sure, also carry this as a mission strand. I can feel those thoughts being aimed at me - programmed in me. I do not consent to them. 

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I spoke about Egypt earlier and guess what, all of a sudden, some miraculous thing happened and the "OL Egyptian Healing" meditation card was sitting on my nightstand. It was just there!! WOW. So amazing how everything is tied together. I need to do that meditation ... soon. I did the "OL Ancestral and Blood Clearing" one earlier. And have been finishing the Foundations Call Q&A and listening to the Carnivore Code and trying to get my meditation in... silent meditation. But I have got monkey mind!!

I need to finish my Malai work and eat an egg and bacon and make some ground beef before Paul gets home. Snap to it sister!!