90% (or more) Bad

Someone... Corie or Jannelle... recently quoted something from a book that was talking about something that you are invested in...pursuing... I think this was a job or sport they were referencing, but I think it applies to all of life...

It went something like you should have a balance where things are 33% hard, 33% neutral, and 33% good/rewarding. 

If I apply that to my relationship with Paul, it shows me that it's time to genuinely tap-out. I'm being generous when I say that it's 90% hard, 8% neutral, and 2% good. 

This morning I awoke to him yelling at me sarcastically about something. I don't even remember what it was, but he was doing that anger-sarcasm-acting-yelling thing. It was very unpleasant. And then he didn't say anything to me for the hour we were awake together... and then when I went out to feed Sioux, he left for work. An hour and 45 minutes before he needed to be there. It's 33 minutes away. 40 MAYBE with the road construction on Brogden.

He always leaves an hour and a half early. Yesterday he was excited to take on additional responsibility to go back and work in the Fab shop from 10-3 and then keep his other job from 3-10:30. 

He is constantly in his pain body complaining how he doesn't have time, but he spends his time on his phone - brain games, social media, email, etc.... and then listens to books at work (which is great)... and works. He chooses how he is spending his life but he doesn't see that. He's stuck... and miserable... and taking it out on me.

Yesterday he whines how "no one" does anything to help him. (Oh, except taking care of our animals, home, cleaning, my SELF, and he's been happily gobbling up the food that I've bought with my own money. He makes more than me and won't help pay for Rue's medicine or Rue or Moses' food or Sioux's food or care (or mine)... or even help with things like the Rife machine...)... I also cook and provide food for him... there was chicken last night and broths and cooked meat and cheese and he complained. 

His work schedule ... if I go with it makes it so we get 6 hours of sleep. That's not enough for me. That's not going to work. I have been doing 7 hours with him but now it's 6 or less and when I asked if he minded shutting the door when he woke up an hour earlier, he became hostile. And I think that's when he complained that no one did anything for him. Because he wants me to get up earlier and make his breakfast and lunch. I might WANT to do that if he appreciated it...but I did that for a year... waking at 4am to help and it wasn't appreciated or reciprocated. Our yard is a mess. He doesn't care or take pride in our home or investment in our relationship. 

I waited all day for him to come home last night (as I do all the time) and he just wanted to watch TV. He got mad when I tried to talk to him. He gets hostile and quiet and I feel the anger seething. I did, eventually, stay up and watch a TV show with him (though I didn't want to... I would rather have spent time connecting...talking...or even reading in bed). But that was what he wanted to do to unwind so I did. That's compromising in a relationship. 

Anyway...the point is that we are not happy. 

God sees and I need to just work on myself.... and let him do his thing. DO ME and LET PAUL BE. He had a spiritual component when we got together and maybe he'll find it again. But there's a lot of mess keeping him from listening to his heart. (Me too. I have to focus on healing ME.) 

It's a gift that he's not here Monday-Thursday. Enjoy it. Be happy. Do ME. And find something else to do on the weekends. 

Doors will open... the path will light before me. Just be kind. 

____
5:22 I got THIS (Trickster) as my AG pick today! Seems pretty fitting for both Paul and I. (Mirrors, gah!). https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Trickster

I want to heal this out of myself, God. I want to heal the Imposter Spirit out of myself, God! I was going to say "please help"...but You ARE. That's why I'm given the gift to see it. 

9:09, 9:23, 9:44, 21:55, right now it's 10:10