Dump

Where to start? I want to start somewhere and share some of where I'm at. Life is very full right now. Full with responsibilities, lessons, growth, and beauty. 

I didn't know what to call this entry so I just wrote "Dump" but that is a good place to start. I pooped last night. It had been maybe 5-6 days and it was stuck again. It took an hour and some water enemas but I got it out! This carnivore diet is causing constipation ... bad... and heart palpitations and some numbness in my hands today. But the heart racing and beating hard and breathlessness and pressure in my skull and ears and heat changes... it's all healing of my body... regulating... detoxing... I need to remember that I am HEALING. I am not losing any more weight. I lost around 10 pounds, give or take, but I've stalled...except I do feel like I might be building muscle... exercise feels good. I feel good. I just need to figure out how to get my bowels healthy. I am adding more magnesium and probiotics and yesterday I ordered folate and some new multivitamins. 

I also decided to eat honey again yesterday... I made honey mousse. I had made Le'Anna the most amazing multi-layered Chocolate Mousse Cheesecake (gluten-free oreo crust, cheesecake, chocolate mousse, chocolate ganache, more oreos, whipped cream, and strawberries) and I didn't eat even a bite!! It was really hard to do and I feel accomplished BUT in hindsight I feel like I missed out, like I shouldn't stop living... that if I want a bite of something like that, I should feel free to do it. So now I've decided to make Deirdre and Jim a cheesecake like what Evangeline made us ... maple brown butter... and I am planning to have a bite if it works out. 

But yesterday I realized I could make mousse with honey...so it's carnivore friendly... it's just egg yokes, heavy cream, and honey. And deeeelicous. But today I've already eaten two servings (1 oz cups) of it. I need to make more because I ate Paul's. 

Sweet makes me want more sweet. Even the Primal buffalo sauce is addictive. I need to cut ALL OF IT out. Alllllll of it. I heard a great statement this morning where this man said that he doesn't even consider stealing... it's not part of his makeup... so when he walks past a woman's purse on a table, he doesn't even think about taking it. The same with donuts... he no longer even considers that... it's not who he is... so if he walks past donuts on a table he doesn't even consider eating one. 

I need to see that, like Sioux, even without diagnosis, I have insulin resistance and I am on the road to diabetes and heart disease and cancer and alzheimers.... all the bad stuff. BUT I came here to OVERCOME that and all the "mental illness" from dissociation and trauma. (I definitely relate to the "Developmental Trauma Disorder" that is in "The Body Keeps The Score" book.) But I want to heal myself and then help others to heal! Look at all the support God is giving me! Even this weekend, God sent me some angels... some crystals... one was an honorary Auralite 23 wrapped in a copper ankh and it chose me! It called me in and is here to help me and I'm moved and grateful and already feeling the support!

Paul and I are doing better... I mean... we made beautiful love ... no...wild, passionate, crazy sex like I haven't done before. It was like sex in the movies... and it felt so good! We needed to have sex for days or a week before but finally did yesterday... AFTER I lost my mind. It was a rollercoaster. I woke up and felt that he had slighted me in some way... I can't even remember what it was but I decided that I quit again. This is my "M.O." and it is the only way to move the needle for him... but it's a gamble... I'm trying to either resolve or end the misery and I hope he will resolve it but at some point he might say "okay, go!".  But we are meant to be together to do this work together. We are BECOMING together and it's so wonderful when we are aligned. Yesterday he was so strong and wise and steadfast ...even when I was screaming like a banshee with so much anger because I didn't feel like he was listening to me when I was sharing my situation with Jim's website. 

I put it all on the table in a voice note to Jeff too... on the way to the "Body Mind Spirit Expo". I had had a dream the night before about Jeff and we were so playful and cute and sweet and we loved each other so much... but he wasn't kissing me when I really wanted him to. I also was trying to save him from a woman who was seducing him. But we were just soul siblings. (As I think of it now, it really does feel more like that... brother and sister, right?) He was and is of my youth. I would have loved to have a chance at a life with him but he's really messed up. Not only is he actively trying to kill himself with alcohol, but he does drugs... has done bad drugs and now takes that heroin substitute...methadone... to deal with his pain. He is not well. And he never wanted to be married. I do. I fantasized a cozy life where we explore the outdoors and hike and play and take his kids on trips and love and laugh... but that's all in my mind. He hasn't even chosen LIFE... or his KIDS... let alone ME. I am drawn to the broken birds as always.... I want to help him. But that is "hero-savior" and "rescuer" consciousness and not "safe" for either of us. Paul is the One. Paul is my divine partner and we are here to do the work together. He's been doing so much on his own and is becoming the man of my dreams. Jeff is my teenagehood friend and I need to leave our potential for love back there unless something shifts in the universe. 

But I left him a message talking about how it messed me up when he said "lets have sex" last year... it set me off into fantasy land. 

It's all red cube. It's all implants and NAA consciousness trying to mess with my mind. I had a dream last night about another nice man (who I didn't know) and I felt loving, warm feelings and attraction to him. I need to CHOOSE PAUL. Paul is my mate. Paul is my partner. Paul is my beloved and the one I want to be in Sacred Union with. 

I've been so dehydrated all year. Moreso since the carnivore diet. And also since the RO water filter. I got my Berkey back though, so that's good. 

Jannelle and I went to the Body Mind Spirit Expo yesterday and it was magical! So many soul siblings!! It was like being home! We had a transcendent mini-session with a shaman named Roland. I hope we can have another appointment soon. He was so beautiful and loving and helpful. So brave ....courageous... to step out in that way to hold space for us. I had a big sobbing breakthrough at one point. And he saw how much fear I had and said I had to face it. He saw that my trauma began at around age 6 and continued through ages 7, 8...9? I don't know where he stopped or if it was continual. But age 6 is on point... that's what I always feel too when I see my little towheaded inner child.

Pedophilia feels to be a large soul contract I came to work with. I don't like it. But I must learn to love it.

We had our auras photographed and our chakras read and mine is SCARY. It's so red!! And orange. And there are lots of spirit guides, so that's nice, thank you Guardians! My sacral and heart chakras are WIDE OPEN... LARGE now... working with healing the 2D/4D split for sure. 

From what I understand, the red is intensity and sounds like inflammation and business and stress... but I also wonder if it's "red ray"... red cube... victim victimizer stuff? My root and solar plexus chakras are soooooo smalllllll. No wonder I feel ungrounded.

I called an ambulance for a girl who collapsed. She was okay. Dr. Bobby said that she had an activation. She just passssssed out. (Jannelle and I were eating lunch nearby... I had oxtails and jerk chicken. Not the tastiest...and $26 for 2 sides of meat!! I was hungry and couldn't think straight.)

We met so many lovely people. I stood under Twisted Sage Studios tower and felt shifts. We met amazing crystal people and I brought home a Staurolite, Tibetan Black Quartz, Pink & Black Tourmaline with Smokey Quartz palm stone, and the Auralite23 in a copper anhk! That was an amazing experience to get that! It just called to me! And the artist ended up selling it to me for $111. I don't even know what it cost but I know the smaller one was $111 and I asked them if they could sell me that one for $111 and he DID and I gave him a big hug and then they took a video of me and now it's on his instagram, ha! I touched souls with many beautiful people that day and he was one of them.

Jannelle and I paid $60 to sit in magnetic bubble thing ... halosomething... that sounded like a rife machine in a way. The Color Me Wellness reiki guy, Dr. Bobby, said that it aligns our cells or creates coherence in them. It really helped Jannelle with her inflammation and joints. I thought it messed me up some... but it was probably the food I ate. 

There's more, but I'm tired. It was a good weekend. OH SNAP! I didn't even talk about Le'Anna's 40th birthday party. She asked me to throw her one - pause... my fingers are numb from copper or heavy metal dumping and typing on this computer... yuck - aaaanyway... I put it together and then 2 days before, she wanted to cancel it and just hang out with Jannelle and I and her family. She wanted to go to the Luminosity festival at Pullen Park to see the lights. Sooooo Jannelle and I threw her (and Scott, Charlie, John, JoJo and Mama Rita) a dinner party at her house and I made that cheesecake and we had a lovely time there and then went to the lights. I had some anxiety come up during the festival but I moved through it and lived! 

Okay, I need an EMF break. 

MUAH!

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Today's AG pick: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Malchuth

Amazing because I've been seeing 10:10 all time lately, including today. Malchuth is the 10th sphere in the Kabbalah's Tree of Life.

"Malchuth represents the 10th sphere in the Kabbalah version of the ten based tree of life. It translates as Kingdom. It is associated with the realm of matter/earth and relates to the physical world, the planets and the solar system. Malchuth completes the chain of the Sephiroth, bringing the totality of our creative energies throughout each sphere into manifestation. If we imagine the first three Sephiroth to be an idea arising in the mind, the second three to be the stirrings in the heart as it weighs and evaluates it, and the third three to be the qualities of action that bring it into being, then Malchuth is its actual being; its manifestation. Yesod has gathered together all of the higher energies of creation into reproduction, it filters through Malchuth as the material manifestation. The Malchuth aspect corresponds to the fruits of our labor, that which actually happens in the material world."

note:

"Due to patriarchal distortions brought through the hidden Negative Alien invasion, the tree of life was disfigured to ten spheres instead of the original mathematical base of twelve. The Kabbalah tree of life represents the distorted 10D base code genetic blueprint of the black sun regressive lineages. Melchizedeks returning to the earth field at the end of the cycle, are attempting to correct and rebuild the distorted Tree of Life back to its correct formula base 12." 

Whoah! Malchuth is the "root chakra"!! Mine is so small ... I think it's going through a repatterning to purge the inverted metatronic reversals... this is the work WE ARE doing. So hang tough and support the work in LOVE. Thank you GOD!!!!!!! 

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Posted in ESF... first in a long time:

Hello beloved familia!

How are you all doing? What a life, aye? I went to a "Body, Mind, Spirit Expo" this weekend which was ....whooooo.... soooooo cool! So many soul siblings in one room! Magic!

While there, I got an aura photo and the result is both fascinating and frightening to me. Do any of you read auras and/or aura photos? I wish I had recorded the interpreter tell me what it means but, alas, did not. He said the left side represents what I am actually feeling and creating for myself in the near future, and that the right side is how I express myself and how others perceive me. He said the orange was creative energy and red was intensity and I can’t remember what else… overwhelm or stress maybe? He recommended I take some “blue vervain” to chillllll out.

We also ordered up a chakra reading and he said my crown, third eye, and throat chakras look “good” but you can see my heart and sacral are blown way out and the solar plexus and root are barely breathing.

Seems right… I continue to try to support healing of the 2D/4D split and have definitely felt ungrounded and am working with fear and trauma in a big way.

He said the purple orbs over my head were spirit guides. And he said what the one on my heart was…but I can’t remember. I asked what the green around the heart area was and can’t remember what he said. Darn! Maybe that was where he asked if I wanted some change in my life?

My friend noticed the white light at my third eye. I thought it was from the flash or a shiny forehead but she didn’t think so… she doesn’t have that on hers, so I don’t know.

Anyway… it’s interesting. But I wonder if it’s representative of the red wave consciousness that I am working with… victim-victimizer, HG reversals, etc.

I do have a lot going on (as usual) … of course it’s my perception that colors everything in life… and maybe my aura too?

Would love any insight if anyone else has had theirs done and remembers anything?

The man also recommended I listen to Wayne Dyer’s “Into The Gap” meditation and read Esther Hicks “Ask and It Shall Be Given”…. he said to especially focus on the manifestation box in there.

Thank you for being on this journey too... wild ride!
Love you all!
Carissa

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I fall into an addiction pit when I eat sugary/sweet foods. I keep going. I find more. I crave. Remember that book "Made To Crave"? That was talking about God, but see here? Yes, I need to fill the addiction/cravings WITH GOD! And I need to see these things that do not serve me as POISON. I need to CHANGE MY MIND.

In the meantime, I'm an ADDICT.

I admit my life has become unmanageable. I need those 12 steps... it's time to look at and heal this thing. 

Today I stayed with the Carnivore diet but made more honey mousse... this time with brown butter, a little vanilla, and some cinnamon. I haven't figured it out yet... I'm still playing a "DIET GAME"... a GAME... I haven't realized the LIFESTYLE change... I need to change how I SEE it. I need a heart change. God, I know you can help. I just need to go along with you!! 

When I'm ready it's not going to be the Carnivore DIET anymore... it's going to be my LIFE. My nourishment. My food source. 

SWEET STUFF isn't okay for me. I'd say some fruit is, but it's sweet. I need to OWN MY BODY and take good care of it. Put HEALTH IN and not DEATH/POISON. I need to bring CONSCIOUSNESS to my decisions and walk toward LIFE and HEALTH. 

It's not a game that I need to "play" to get what I want... I want sweet, I'll find a way around the "diet rules". That's not the way. That's a GAME. 

I want to be done with the game. 

When will I commit? 

It takes silence, meditation, contemplation, and to get in ALIGNMENT with my SELF.  I want to. 9:08.... 

or... I still WANT TO WANT TO. 

So I'll be there for now. 

And try not to blow myself up in the meantime.

It feels so much better in my body and it's so nice to make love with Paul when we feel better. And it's great to go to the gym and it's great to have energy and feel accomplished.

This whole trauma healing is about taking OWNERSHIP of MY life and body and canceling the programming and damage that has me flowing downstream wherever my flesh or mind lead...  I must STAND FIRM IN CHRIST.

My friends, my crystal friends, are here to help!