End of month

Quick note for the end of the month. So many changes and balls in the air. Ryan and I are super in love. We spend as much time together as possible. We are learning to love and listen and forgive and grow together more. I think it is uncomfortable for him, especially, because he's so used to be closed and private but he is SO brave and wise and smart and kind and I think our souls are really working together to ascend both of us. There will be hard conversations and times but it gets easier and better every day. And even in the midst of the hard stuff, I know we love one another and are in this for the long haul.

1290 is in the air still... but we'll just have to be patient. God's will be done!

I was hired at Greater Outreach Services yesterday as a PSS and Outreach Coordinator. Gotta do my paperwork now!

Seems like my soul is learning about 12-step programs and recovery this year. I learned about Satanism last year. I like this one better. Grateful to have Melanie to work and explore through it with me too. 

Okay... gotta get lunch going and get my paperwork started and I think I need to do some deep breathing on the hammock.

Been a while

It's been a while. I was away on (an excellent) family vacation last week ... OBX!! Much to share... so beautiful to spend quality time with family... lots of fun with kids. Braden took us on a plane ride from Kitty Hawk to Okracoke and back to Mateo! Saw three lighthouses from the air... Bodie Island (which we also went to on the ground), Cape Hatteras, and Okracoke!

Right now I want to document that Ryan broke up with me again... and I'm going to let him. 

Tomorrow I should find out if Ms. Diane will accept my offer on 1290 Firetower Rd. If I get it my whole life will change. I thought maybe Ryan and I should move in together, but he is a mess... and always blaming it on everyone else (*me since I'm in his life)... and he's so mean... yesterday he flipped his shit and says abusive things (that yes, I block) because I couldn't remember what Jannelle was talking about when he got back from the bathroom....the problem is that I didn't invest myself into feeling things from his perspective and trying to remember what she was talking about. Anyway... I am not good enough for him, that's what it comes down to. I make too many mistakes, I'm not perfect or ON all the time. I try, but ... yeah... I want to be single for a while... maybe Ryan will choose to invest in healing himself, but as it is, he rejects me and always says stuff like "he's not on the same path I am"... which I think is him rejecting his own soul's call to awaken. But our relationship has planted seeds and hopefully some of them will route. It's definitely planted seeds in me too.

I know our souls love each other so much. Even yesterday when he was so mean, when we hugged I felt the heat of love... so much love radiating from both of us. It helped me to cry and let go of the yucky energy that he was throwing around. He's angry because I say that "I did nothing wrong". He feels that is me saying that I'm a victim to his abuse (he didn't say abuse...but that's what it is... and truly, he is needlessly mean and violent in energy and speech). He's messed up... but so am I and we are all working on healing... hopefully he will.

Anyway... many balls in the air. 

The pendulum says that it is in both Ryan's and my best interest to move in together. I think it's freaking trial-by-fire... burning off massive dross QUICKLY. We have a lot of love for one another and I have a lot of Guardian support. I need to get back to ME and I think it probably would be good... plus it will help AFFORD it. So. We'll see. I mean, he just broke up with me and I'm proposing to live with him. Inviting the drama into our life. He has to choose to heal himself and I need to not get sucked into the biwave drama... but it really does feel aligned with our soul plan and Kryst mission. So... yeah. We'll see. I need to work. 

____

5/29 12:34

Challenging but we worked through it. This is what we are doing here. Our love and connection helps both of us to be better. I should not and must not talk about Ryan with his parents any more. I must do better at asking questions and empathizing. I tend to revert to a 6-7 year old when I am stressed or "in trouble". We made the most beautiful love... I love being with Ryan. He's my true love. 

Thank you God:
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Law_of_Compassion

The Law of Compassion is the first basic truth of One Self-God Self. As One Self-God Self, to be “Compassion in Action” towards others is then to be in harmony and right relationship to Self, right relationship to God, right relationship to the Universe. This is a Law of One practice. (Love Yourself, Love Others, Love the Earth and all of her creatures, is an action of Compassion.)

This is the truth of right relationship, of loving understanding, of actively expressed Love. It is the foundation of Christ, unity consciousness and the expression of the inner unity within or Hieros Gamos.

This basic truth never changes because it is related to the nature of God Itself and have become apparent to mankind through revelation, as evolution has proceeded and man has developed the needed perceptive faculties and the required persistence of search, plus the unfolding of the inner light of the soul. These truths, inherent in the divine nature, reveal the soul of God.

The Law of Compassion is manifest as right relationship with God and self, as the human being is Compassion in Action. Compassion in Action is the true principal of Father Arc, the Father God principle. The False Father principle has manifested the False King of Tyranny on earth for Service to Self motivation through Religious Violence, which has corrupted the masculine principle on earth. To regain our true Father principle is to regain Compassion in Action towards all living things, which is a principle of the Virtues of the Christ.

BEST

What a wild ride, maaaan! 

First, let me share this great message from Miyagi/Mr. Burch:

Then I'm going to QUICKLY tell you how amazing Ryan is and WE are. I have to take care of everyone and Mom and Dad will be here in a little over an hour to pick me up for the OUTER BANKS!!

Yesterday we went to the Wings Over Wayne airshow and I cannot tell you HOW AMAZING it felt to be loved and cared for the way Ryan did! Not only does he ALWAYS open my car door and any doors for me (and usually kiss me after I sit down)... but he protected me in the big crowd when I get overwhelmed and tend to dissociate and walk into people... he held my hand and kept me close. It was SOOO hot and he got me a frozen fruit drink to cool me down and he gave me his hat to keep me out of the sun and gave me his ear plugs to protect my ears... I just felt SO cared for!! It felt SO GOOD!!

And the night before... MEOW... I've never experienced anything like this! We had sex for FIVE HOURS... ALLLLLL NIGHT!! We went to bed at midnight and I was tired so kind of wanted to sleep but we didn't and then we ended up playing until after 5am!! The way he pleasured me opened me up and I have never felt anything like that before! We had an absolutely incredible time!

We had fantastic conversations ... deep and meaningful... great laughs... great meals... we got his phone that he wanted (drove to Cary to get it.... and yesterday Goldsboro...) and he checked my car out to make sure it was safe for my trip... and he helped me with Sioux's hay and dragged the poop barrow out for me! OH MY! 

It was just perfect and filled with love... he is and we are! Whoooo. 
We've been watching the Celtics together (unfortunately they lost the last 2 games)....we like Jeopardy...he's so smart and knows so many answers! We share hearts....and I'm just super in love!

Now I've got to get going... I could gush all day... but so much to do! MUAH!

Worse

Yeahhhh... I wanted to take all my stuff from Ryan's house today and PEACE OUT. He left for work so I was there by myself (eating cereal and bread and coffee and watching his giant TV)... but I didn't feel clear about it. I DID get an 8-Ball app that discouraged me from doing that so I didn't take my stuff. 

I have a lot of feelings. Hurt feelings. He was NOT nice to me this morning. He DID give me a curt good morning kiss before waking up. No snuggles, no warmth. He left and slammed the door behind him which I slid open and went out and waved him away. Not kind, not warm, not loving. He was blaming me for his lack of sleep... we went to bed at almost 1am... he got home after 7 and came in after 8 (after sitting and smoking outside)... took his shower and putzed around and I made dinner at maybe 9 and watched his hour-long jeopardy which would make it around 10 or later and then we watched my 26 minute Kim Amani talk and then eventually went to bed probably close to midnight and he seemed like he wanted something so I offered a blowjob which he was happy to accept. I swallowed. Thank you God for teaching me this. But it is one-sided. 

Luckily I had taken care of myself earlier in the day and the truth is, I need to just do that... make love with ME. I liked Kim Amani's analogy of preparing the house for a party... while waiting for your partner to show up. I want to take the 30-day sex challenge. Have sex with myself for 30-days. Can I start today or shall I start when I get back from the Outer Banks?

That's another thing. Yesterday...or now it was the day before... Ryan asked what I wanted and I said I wanted him to come to the Outer Banks and he said he would. Then he backed out and said he'd come for a few days (not sure if it was the word "few"...could have been "couple"... or something else)...but it made me think that he would at least make an appearance. Yesterday I told him I was shopping for a bathing suit for him and he asked why and I said for the trip and he said he didn't think he could come. He had to work and didn't give "notice" (when that's BS as he's doing an under-the-table job that the guy would be happy to support Ryan having a trip like this)... anyway... he said he really needs the money (as he's about to buy a $1500 phone on credit. He got his phone run over and then wisely bought one he could afford but he doesn't feel that it's cool enough for him or something like that...status, I think he said. Anyway, I keep suggesting he save up for the other phone he wants but he wants to buy it on credit. That's not a responsible decision and it shows his scrambled wires and he gets loud about it... he's volatile and hostile and moody as heck.

I realized he seems to have multiple personalities and I'm in love with one of them... one is very kind and loves me. Most are skeptical and rude and arrogant. 

You should have seen his ego the other day... randomly declaring stuff like "I'm smarter than you! I'm so smart." Lots of stuff like that. He started showing me an article of a number of things that show someone is smart... the first was "endless curiosity" or something like that. The second was "open-minded" and when I wrinkled my nose at that, he shut it down. Later he said number 8 was "emotional intelligence" after I questioned that for him. Anyway... he's not balanced. He doesn't take care of himself. He blames everyone else for everything. He is mean. He's self-centered. 

I don't feel pursued or that he thinks I'm beautiful (he is certainly challenged by my weight...even though he was heavy for much of his life... in the last couple months he's done some exercise it sounds like and has been moving around and seems to have lost some weight and looks good. I asked if he knew how handsome he was and he first said "no" but then we talked about something he said about having the "pick of the litter" when he worked at the pharmacy and he said that was when he was young and in his prime... but he said lately he's been looking in the mirror and seeing how handsome he is (he didn't say it like that), but that's good. He is getting handsomer. I feel like love also lights us up. 

I'm getting uglier. I was beautiful when I was in love with myself.... and that's what I need to do. Focus on my relationship with ME. I don't know what's wrong with me! I keep giving myself away to these men who don't deserve me. Who don't even LIKE me! 

Ryan is offended by my being (sometimes). I never know who I'm going to get. Sometimes he appreciates my spirituality and perspectives and sometimes he disdainfully tells me I'm an idiot. He has said so many mean things to me. 

He got me out of the shit-show with Paul but I'm not sure if I'm supposed to get out of the shit-show with him. (A WORSE shit-show in a lot of ways... but I feel an attraction and love for Ryan (which is definitely being challenged by this horrible behavior))... so we'll see how it all unfolds. I always go back to day-dreaming about Jeff because when we talk we have a genuine connection and friendship and we laugh together. But Jeff is really sick... and doing drugs and drinking and wanting to die... super fucked up too. 

I don't want to be alone. But I need to...

____

I don't know what happened or where I went. I guess to answer Anne-Marie and tell her that she can't spend lots of time with my family. This is up to me to make the most of my time... not be a victim... choose how I live and see life. Create boundaries. Create my own plan. Deirdre just sent me a meme that said something like "you'll be amazed at what you attract after you start believing in what you deserve."... and that's it. I need to believe in what I deserve. See my own value.

I put myself in the situation where someone that I supposedly love is constantly putting me down and making me feel like I'm stupid and what matters to me is crazy. I try to share my perspectives about multidimensionality, higher-selves, spirituality, religion, control, energetic architecture, bi-wave systems, etc. These are the things that light me up... that I enjoy talking about. And I just need to talk to people who also enjoy that.

And look at what the Universe HAS brought forward ... Malai... Ayla... maybe this nutritional balancing job opportunity... this is in the career space. MAYBE I can get paid to be a PSS for Jannelle? It feels a little fishy, but let's see what comes up. 

I have a home that is great, and am tracking toward maybe having a loan to buy something that I can live in and love and nourish and it can nourish me... in God's time.

And I'm getting these experiences with people... John's case, fascinating. Ryan's personality and that whole situation, fascinating. So much to learn. 

But I need to be in a romantic relationship with ME. That's it. Keeping myself open to these hurts by someone who is tossed to and fro by his ... you know what it is? He's got a WIDE OPEN aura... torn open ... that's what my problem was too. It's from our childhood trauma... that's what the NAA or whoever did on purpose... blew us up... created so many holes in our lightbody so that tricksters or demons or whatever dark energy wants to, can come in and mess around with us or make us a dark portal to fuck with someone else. Remember when I could feel and experience being a dark portal to Tyrone... I could feel the demons giggling at the situation through me. 

So THAT'S why we shield! That's why it is so important! To shore up my lightbody and aura and repair holes. Drugs can create more holes. Do they always? (I want to respond yes. But are marijuana and mushrooms DRUGS? Is sugar? Carbs? Where's the line? I heard mushrooms can HELP.  I need more information on this.) 

Anyway, that's why Ryan is so sensitive... he is wide open... and also maybe the Jeopardy knowledge channeling... it's so interesting. That definitely appears to be a channel but could be stored knowledge. So much to observe, practice, learn... thank you God!!

___

Great talk with Rosemary about energetic architecture, sugar addiction, Ai vs. organic technology. God, THANK YOU for my friend!!

NO to marijuana, maybe, leaning toward yes on mushrooms as supportive for my lightbody and healing.

Better

18/8:08, 9:11, 18/9:18,9:19

Had a nice night with Ryan last night. It starts so messy and something all of a sudden snaps in him and he sees and breaks and is apologetic and soft.

Ryan's "Magnum Opus"

He told me in a text that he was writing a "magnum opus". This is what he wrote:

Ryan’s “magnum opus”:

Ryan O’Malley, [May 17, 2023 at 12:18:30 AM]:

Alright Babe. Here it is. All sortsa jumbled and discombobulated. Just got to send it at this point.  Hope it makes some kinda sense.  Your going to have to go back A BUNCH of messages to check for references. 

I wasn't shaming you. I was trying to help you make better decisions, like you asked me to.(Which seemed to be well received at Costco?) Any shame you felt,  I can only assume, is the shame an addict feels when they're using while trying to quit.(Maybe that's a part of why you feel unbalanced?) You call it an 'addiction' so I give you the credence and look at what your going thru as an addiction. (Mental obsession and physical addiction are two different things.) If it was a heroine addiction, I would no sooner watch you shoot up then I would watch you feed into your food addiction. (And shame is the appropriate emotion one feels when they go against there values and goals and give into temptations. We've talked about that. Feeding the bad.) The disdain you felt was me watching you fight FERVENTLY, doing mental gymnastics trying to get your cookies and your way.  And how hard i had to work to try and support you in making the better choice. You wanted what you wanted at that was that. 

So, you took YOUR shame and misguided interpretation of disdain and put that on me and turned that into a fight.  For you not to address the real issue, (you feeling like I shamed you) and create/ manifest/ incite/ manipulate/ fabricate a fight with me was not the 'enlightened' way to handle it.   When you do that, how do you think I'm going to react? By flipping a stitch, for reasons unbeknownst to me, and acting like a different person who has a problem?  I HAD NO IDEA WHAT THE PROBLEM EVEN WAS!?!  That also goes along with your negative impression/perception of me.  You ASSUMED I was shaming you. Out to get you.  The comment you made about us shopping together. (One of many examples)  We've been shopping MANY times together. Lidl, Walmart, Costco...etc.  All of which have been pleasurable, dare I say fun, times.  We had one bad time shopping and that's the one you hold onto and pull from for your 'experience' of shopping with me.  It's a passive aggressive move and it allows you to be the victim.  And it's needless drama. I'm not down for drama. For whatever reason, you have to be the victim. Even when you initiate the conflict. Your ego LOVES the victim role. Which makes me the 'bad guy'. I am NOT the bad guy. I love you with ALL of my heart. I'm sorry that's not good enough for you.  

And I told you from jump, I'm not dealing with a Derdrie.  Doesn't eat any carbs for two weeks, has a cookie or peice of bread on the weekend and THAT'S why she can't lose any weight!!(or so she pretends/ tells dad/ really believes?idk) Been doing that for 40YEARS!!! It's psychological/pshycotic nonsense.

I was trying to help. Like you asked me to. And thanked me for 10 minutes earlier.   You can see how confused I was when i found out A DAY LATER that THAT was the problem.  Maybe you should get a little clearer on what you want.

Maybe you do need to pump the brakes on this relationship and figure out what you want. If you want someone who isn't going to challenge you, spiritually, emotionally, physically and mentally then maybe I'm not your guy? If you want someone who's not going to call you on your bullshit then maybe that's not me?  If you want to be a victim, in not your guy.  If you want to manipulate and create drama I am DEFINITELY not your guy.

(It's also worth mentioning that I'm not the one with the food addiction and I dropped 4 pant sizes in the last 6 month. Maybe you shouldn't be watching or commenting on what i eat?)

And yes Babe, you ARE your body! Your body is, quite literally, the living EMBODIMENT of yourselves/ your soul!  It is a super good indicator of what's going on inside. If your swelling up like a tick or getting "fluffy", your probably not happy. I don't want to watch that, stand by and do nothing. If that's what you expect of me, forget it.

I care too much for you to watch you struggle and not do everything I can to try and help. Ease your pain. Kiss away your tears.  That's not the kind of man I am. 

Also, I eat to live. You live to eat.  I don't know why that is such a big deal for you? Why there has to be so much strife over a small difference of opinion?

And "out of sync on quite a few issues...", "shrugged it off" as opposed to talking about it together? Same old M.O.  Doesn't seem to be working out doing it your way, does it?

I'm sorry if this is hard to hear.  I'm not trying to hurt you. I love you.

I don't know Babe. Maybe we're too far apart on things? Out of sync on too many issues? 

Whatever the future may hold for "us", or doesn't,  I hope you know that I loved you so deeply, so completely.  I appreciate you opening up my heart and my mind.  I know I'll never find anyone who loved me more.(I feel in my heart of hearts that you could say the same.) I thank you for everything we shared.  I love you deeply and Anaya will.  I wish you the best on your journey. 😙 I hope we can talk more sometime.

*I love you deeply and always will.*

_____

The response I didn’t send: Thank you for your time and energy, Ryan. Thank you for feeling into all this. You’re right about some of it and in my opinion, have some blind spots and misperceptions about some of it. That’s okay. You are entitled to your viewpoint and I honor your journey. Thank you again for taking the time to communicate and for the love you shared with me. Take good care of yourself Ryan. 💕

And that's that.

Ryan was a gift to show me what love COULD look like and it got me out of the dung with Paul. But it, in itself, is dung. There are elements of beauty... I feel he is a kindred spirit and that in a few years he could be where I am if he chooses this path... IF.

In the meantime I am compromising myself to be around this negativity, smoking, delusion, swearing, blameshifting, dry drunk, and finger-pointing. It is my hero-savior and princess coding that has me hanging on. 

He doesn't want to meet my family or go on an all-expenses paid vacation with me with my family. 
He doesn't like eating with anyone or exploring things related to food.
He said I'm swelling up like a tick.... instead of recognizing that I'm trying to find balance (because the carnivore wasn't fully healthy or sustainable). I'm 167... this isn't great, but it's my best so far (other than when I was on carnivore and got down to 157.) I go to the gym. I am trying to work this piece out. It's my work and I must LOVE MYSELF through it. I feel his judgment and it doesn't feel nice. 
Everything revolves around him. We sit at his house and watch him smoke his cigarettes (like a chimney) and watch his TV/sports & jeopardy and eat what he wants to eat and do what he wants to do (if he feels like something... mowing the lawn, taking his garbage, when HE wants to do it. He made a big show of how he was going to put Paul in his place so he could visit here but he never did it. I eventually moved the needle after 2+ months so he could come over and he doesn't even want to. He's been here maybe 3x. 

Just UNBALANCED in all areas of my life. I'm taking back my power. 

It's helping me to "get my ducks in a row" though. I'm cleaning up all the things... bank accounts yesterday... home loan application... applying for other jobs... motivated. I'm still going to the gym. I paid off my credit card. I'm journalling and searching my heart for the truth.

So, that's it.
I saw "spiritual nomad" a couple times lately and wonder if that's supposed to be me? Should I just hop in my car? It thumps a bit still so it scares me. Once I get a house I want to save and get a car. Maybe if I get a second job it will pay for a new car. It's time. Mine is 23 years old. But it's taking great care of me, thanks be to God.

Shall we go through and say all the things that are actually about HIM? Is this ME blame shifting though?

It is. It's petty. But the fact is that he doesn't see his own behavior. And maybe I don't either. But I had a light spirit (other than yearning for the treats)... I was trying to go along with whatever he wanted. I was hungry. He said we can get whatever and I chose the first thing I saw - sushi - and that brought forth strife and division. He keeps saying that I create drama, but I feel in my neutral heart of hearts that it comes from him. He lives on an emotional rollercoaster and perpetuates drama... he needs it to fuel his ego and pain body so he feels alive.

He doesn't understand about the body. Or we don't SHARE understanding. And his disdainful pride about everything - thinking he knows better because he's been trained by Google/Alexa in 2-sentence snippets to the questions he asks... it's just not a good match for me. 

So I need to let it go. I had the sense as we were driving back from Raleigh (in silence) that this was God's gift to get me out. It isn't healthy. He hurts me all the time. I think I'll listen to the audio I made about it that day.

I don't respect how he lives. He is not kind to his body (neither am I, right? See that? See how I put crap in my body. Even now I've given power to his frosted mini-wheats and want some. I have holes in my lightbody that allow tunneling of acceptance and action around not taking care of myself fully. See that. Why? Because I'm disconnected from my body in that way... and have given my power and authority away to the sin/demonic entity to consume me ...feed on me... poison, lie to, etc. me...) How do I get it back? By consciously making better choices and shutting down the ones that harm me. Seeing it clearly. See it for what it is. Consciousness. Thank you God!

His smoking, lack of drive, egocentrism, bitterness, disdain for family, closed heart, self-centeredness, etc... doesn't find the silver lining, doesn't create joy. 

I DO like his manliness... his ability to fix things and the way he genuinely cares about his work being done well/right. He has good intentions sometimes (I am just thinking how he WANTED to finish his Dad's ceiling when they were away....but couldn't, I guess.) He also didn't sleep with or stay with me then... and created drama then.

HE creates drama. He just isn't happy and he's going to make sure I'm not happy... he's subconsciously baiting me to convince him out of his own unhappiness and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, but that's HIS work. 17/10:01, 10:10

___

Listening to the audio journals I made driving back from his house was helpful. It's not good. I'm letting it go. 

This is what I wrote:

Thank you for your time and energy, Ryan. Thank you for feeling into all this. You’re right about some of it and in my opinion, have some blind spots and misperceptions about some of it. That’s okay. You are entitled to your viewpoint and I honor your journey. Thank you again for taking the time to communicate and for the love you shared with me. Sounds like we are both feeling that the romantic relationship between us isn't working out well, but I do hope we can remain friends! I enjoy your company, conversation, and your YOU! 💕 You got me hooked into the Celtics so if you want to meet up to watch a game sometime, I'd love that! Or for cards. Or if you want to join me at the gym. Or go for a walk. Whatever. You're my best friend and I hope we don't lose that.  

And I feel good about it mostly. A part of me wants to fight for the relationship, but a part of me that was whispering to me during my dog walk yesterday says I need to let him go and if he returns to me, he's mine to keep forever. But the truth is, he is very messed up. And blames everyone else. And I am codependant and prone to taking the blame to keep the peace. It's messy. He needs an awakening and that's between HIM and him. Just like my stuff is between ME and me. So I will let it go. And work with myself. LOVE MYSELF. I'm fattening because I'm unhappy, that is true. I'm in a constant state of stress. I've gone against my better judgements... let go of myself and trying not to appear "crazy" or "eccentric". But I AM eccentric and that makes me wonderful and someone will love that in me and not try to change me. Jim nailed it on the head that these are control tactics with Ryan... and I see and relate to how he needs to be in control so he feels safe. That's from his childhood trauma...how it manifests. For me my anxiety perpetuates control. For him his anxiety looks like anger and perpetuates control dramas. This is such a rich canvas to feel into and learn from, thanks be to God!

So hopefully we can be friends.

Did I tell you that Paul doesn't have money for rent (or food... he applied for food stamps and has taken money and food from Corie's family) but he does have money for cigarettes and energy drinks and a haircut? 

17/12:21

Just sayin'.

check out this... this goes together so well!

Quote of the day: Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom. ~Aristotle
Affirmation: 

BOOM!!! 
Knowing myself is the beginning of wisdom and I know that I AM the eternal self and know who I AM!! 
Thank you God!

Feels like this is related to Ryan:
"We were made aware that the authentic Celtic Essene groups from Hyperborea, the progenitors of the original Nazarene Christos Teachings, built many of the temples and underground octagon structures connected to the Emerald Dragon Templar architecture that formed into a jump gate located in the island of Malta." from my AG pick: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Dark_Alien_Mother_in_Malta

In general, Ryan seems to be a powerful being and if I can keep loving him, while preserving myself, then I feel this is important work we're doing. 

The Dan Tien Trinity Activation meditation was realllllly supportive for me today. Edwige mentioned it and it felt really right. I need to do it again. My mind was wandering. I also need to listen to last month's Ascension Call. Back to work!! 

I see how I have a ton of control issues and ego issues and need to keep addressing them. 

Eating consciously is important... I stopped... now I'm eating/chewing while typing, which isn't good...but for a few bites I sat at the table with no distractions. And eating low carb and low sugar will help me keep my insulin in balance and that will help everything. 

I think I know better ... at least about myself and "my" "stuff". Do I? Sometimes I don't. But there is a gentle and loving way to communicate. I loved this meme that Le'Anna posted today:

Reminds me of Page, mostly. But also how to get through and love Ryan around his pain body (needles!)!

Feels like there might be a repair and restoration from 11D down and now we're working on 10D and even 9D... grounding down... healing

...maybe Ryan and I already swapped the consciousness codes we needed for right now and maybe we can't continue as friends. I have to let God lead. 

Choose me - over and over

It was a stressful week. Job interview (that I don't think I got). Ryan and the ups and downs that go with that. I choose neutrality. I have chosen to be the compassionate witness. But I am poisoning myself. What does Ryan always say? Something about the bad swallowing the good? Like I can only sustain so much Hyde before it starts to poison me. 

Our souls DO love each other. I know that I tried really hard and our love and the beauty that I have seen as possible is the carrot that keeps me moving through... and I've become better and stronger in some ways because of it. 

I am at peace.

There are many things I don't like or want in my life... smoking, sleeping all day, lack of motivation, bitterness against family, self-centeredness, poverty-consciousness, eating only poison food and ridiculing everyone else who is choosing a new way. Egocentrism. Thinking that he knows better because Google told him so. He just has a lot of waking up to do and I don't know if he'll choose it or not. 

The sex is getting better and I experienced a transcendent blowjob the other day that shows me that is possible. 

It will be good for me to be alone for a while and to heal myself and lick my wounds and find my own strength and I can love and hope and pray for Ryan and maybe he'll perk up and choose life...but I definitely can't "save" or intentionally influence him. I can just focus on my own healing and love myself. 

Last night I had some ascension symptoms, I'd like to say. Heart arrhythmia I am calling it, but it was a healing or transit and there is also clearing of black magic and correction of dark mother reversals happening. I need to remain connected to my own understanding and context otherwise I get scared. And it led to some panic. I listened to meditation after meditation for hours. I haven't done that in a while.

The whole thing with Ryan is maybe catching up to me. It could also have been the inordinate amount of chocolate chips I ate. Or the stress of the week. Or the day. The museum was fun but busy and living on eggshells around Ryan is taxing. And then his disgust and disdain when I was thinking about buying that tart/pie and cookies was absolute poison in my blood. I had to clear it. 

Some good burps this morning... clearing black magic. 

God, please comfort, guide, direct, and protect my beloved Ryan. I pray for his healing and growth and that he might find and step into the man he IS created to BE. 

__

9:11 and 9:09 and 9:19

1:44 2:22 44 22 3:13 5/15 14:44 14:44 15/4:44

Great podcast Melanie sent me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HzmoLqYPdT4
"eating is an expression of the way we treat ourselves"

There is SO MUCH TO LEARN here in this place where I am exploring this situation with food. 

I just wrote this to Ryan... should I send?

I see your radiant and powerful soul and trust with my whole heart that you will continue to persevere in all you are here to do. You can do anything you set your heart to!

Seems like we are out of sync on quite a few issues which I kept brushing off or looking at through idealistic rose colored glasses (this could be fueling the addictive tendencies raising their ugly head), but what came up in our last interaction (and the fallout afterwards) seems to finally be enough to signal me to pump the brakes. 

I've tried to be supportive and accepting of you despite feeling that you are not making good choices for yourself, but you are sovereign and have the freedom to explore whatever it is you are here on earth to feel into. In return, I long for my partner to offer me the same... ideally loving me just the way I am (fat or not, carbs and sweet-tooth or not). I am not my body. I AM having a pretty profound experience / personal journey in this life... healing and feeling and living and experiencing what MY soul wants to learn. My body and its fuel has always been a big part of it for me. Food represents life, connection, family, health, fun, rewards, and also has some dark shadows from self-inflicted pain I've created. 

Long story short, shame doesn't help me find my center, I tried that tactic most of my life - I need to treat myself with love, care, and acceptance. Lean into why I might crave something, and determine what is really bad and what isn't. Sometimes a cookie is okay. (It's worth mentioning that disdainful disgust coming from someone who ate a bowl of sugar-cereal (pure carbs and sugar) for brunch doesn't make much sense. Walk the talk before you start judging.) 

I'm not sure what the future has in store for "us", but I want you to know that I am rooting for you. 

"By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest." ~Confucius

I love you, Ryan, and I'm sorry.

Yep. Sending. Took me an hour to write that. Gah.

I sent my USDA home loan application today too!

___

today lots of 9's again... 9:19, 9911, 9:09

I got a "forgiveness" affirmation today so I am choosing to forgive Ryan. I see how it was starting to become a worm of bitterness... no. I choose my life and my happiness and to "DO ME" and that's it. I will not hold grudges.

If you are "ghosting" me, it's okay. (Look at how "hip" I am, using words that the young whippersnappers use... "ghosting"!! 👻😂)... anyway... I choose acceptance, peace, love, and forgiveness. I am writing today to communicate that I forgive you. I am making a conscious effort to let go of any hurt and my own judgements and victim-consciousness associated with it. I choose to hold only love in my heart for you and wishes for peace and prosperity for you. God bless you Ryan. Have a beautiful day. 💝

So that's that.

I AM planning to go get that tart today and maybe TWO and share with Jim and Dee!

I need to read today's AG pick with more intention and eyes and heart open... verrrrry interesting one:https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Samael (and yesterday I got "Thothian Leviathan". We're dealing with some BLACK STUFF here! Thanks be to God!!)

____

Today I: Met up with Jannelle and her Aunt Ignacia at the Rose Gardens in Raleigh and had a tiny picnic and talked to "Sweet T" picnic lady, stopped by and dropped note for Page at work, went to Wegmanns and got 5 chocolate chip cookies for national chocolate chip cookie day (I've eaten 4 of them so far)...and got 2 crostatas (strawberry-rhubarb and apple)... went to the O'Malleys and looked at their newly expanded pond and shared in the crostatas with them....talked to John and talked to his lawyer, Attorney Fauntleroy (who graciously called me back), filled the O'Malleys in. Talked to Jeff today - good and fun talk, messaged with Candice, talked to Mama Bear a few times, including to her hospital and nurse, and went to bank and took my name off the joint accounts with Michael and Paul...went to the gym... shared my breakfast london broil with Paul... gave Moses a marrow bone, Manson too. Vern ate out of my hand for the first time today... he was alone waiting to go in for the night... he's Burchie's son! I need to take a photo of him for Mr. Burch! I took a bath. Video chatted (MP) with Anne-Marie who will meet me in the Outer Banks next week. Talked to my Mom. Talked to Paul about how he's got to make a commitment to getting money to pay rent. There is something wrong with him. Really. Oh, took his package to the post office. Texted a little with Ryan... waiting on his "magnum opus" that he's been writing for 2 days. Sounds like he wants to work it out. The more I'm away from him, the less I do. Missed Melanie's group because the lawyer called at exactly the time I was supposed to jump on that call. Worked.... set up interviews. Still doing that. Yeah. Full day. :) Oh, chatted with Michael quite a bit today too. 

Now I'm eating those Rice Crips (with sugar and corn syrup!!)... this is because I wasn't responsible about eating dinner. I'm not even hungry.

Saw 10:10 2x ... and 9:44. And 18:18 and 20:20 and 20:02 and 21:12 and ... so many.
I'm about to eat the last cookie. 
I don't want it. I want to eat it out of the house. What is that about?

I also just applied for a few more jobs! Busy. Busy. Now I need to get away from the computer. I've been secretly waiting for Ryan's message but I think I need to just let it go. He might have fallen asleep. I told him I'd be patient. 

So much to learn

 I saw so many numbers in the last few days 1111 144 14.4 lots of 111 and 222s and 333's I think 1133 1144, 12:12 12:12 12:13 12:34 12:44, etc... LOTS.

Here's a note from last night (5/13)...

He doesn’t like me the way I am

He turns things around on me. Ie. I need to keep jerky in my purse so I don’t get hungry because I get crazy when I do. Hangry. But tonight I just got disconnected from my body. Anxiety yes. But I am on “cloud 9” maybe with a timeline shift and different work with or around Ryan. 

Ryan is me from 2016 when I got with Michael. Me with Tyrone. Poor Tyrone.

... just working through so much with Ryan.

We both are messes, but I feel like he's a more unpleasant mess, but maybe that's MY ego. He has a massive ego and uses it meanly. Reminds me of Davin and Corie when she flips. He is judgemental and self-centered. But aren't I? 

Yesterday... and lately... working on "how to be idle". How to just be present... satisfied with BEING with Ryan. I watched him make (a beautiful) raised/table garden bed for Deirdre. And last week a day was spent watching him fix my car. I just feel so useless. But he's happy to have his companion there keeping him company. So is that all about him, or is that how it's supposed to be? And how does compromise fit into it? We're supposed to go to the museum today... another run at it. We'll see.

I've had some inflammation, anxiety, fear... a bug or spider bite that scared me. I am not super grounded... bumped my head, hurt myself, got splinters, crashed a grocery cart into a door... just not fully present/grounded. 

We also made incredible, lovely love (that was a blow job) the other day....and Paul was right, it was a PLEASURE to swallow and made me feel more in love and more connected. I love Ryan's penis. And two nights ago we had sex that was really good... it gets better and better.

I think our relationship will get better and better with time and lots of conversations. How can we learn to love and care for one another. Do we need a coach? We had our first (fun and lovely) shower together yesterday... and we both had to have outside sources who taught us how to clean our bodies. So don't we need help learning how to be good partners?

Souls getting ready to leave

Seems like there are souls getting ready to leave the earth.... Mama Bear and Aunt Brenda. Maybe? It was interesting that as I was talking to Aunt Brenda I could feel her pain in her lower left colon... I tried shielding and intending transit, but I apparently am squooshy enough in my lightbody to feel that or that is my architecture... my job? Maybe not? I'm learning. 

11/11:11 11/12:12 11/12:13 11:12:21 11/12:22

Aunt Brenda shared how fast life goes and encouraged me to do as much as I could as long as I wanted to.

11/1:00 11/1:44

Not about comfort

On my walk with Moses yesterday (where I realized that I prefer walking alone vs. with Paul, although this morning Paul surprised me by getting the dogs ready and meeting me at the barn).... I realized that I did not sign up to come to this earth to be comfortable. I came here to explore these dimensions and layers of the physical matrix. I came to stretch myself and heal the fullness of all we are. 10/10:44 (I also got 10/10:10) and 10/9:55... lot of that.

...anyway... as much as I'd like a cushy life with a big house and all the money in the world, that's not what I came for. That's not who I AM. 

___

10/11:12

There's something with addiction...food addiction is what I'm (obviously) working with... and similarity to the way the Pain Body feeds. 

I don't know if I was hungry and craving something or just craving it tonight. I DID explore my desire for a "No weigh Wednesday" sundae with Ryan and he took me to the store and bought me some strawberries and lemons instead. He is SO good to me!! We played rummy and watched Jeopardy and made and ate dinner together and talked (had a bit of a misunderstanding that fueled us to find deeper understanding between us. It's a hard but powerful process). 

I'm feeling a little dizzy. Could it be the almonds? I ate some almond crackers with almond butter and strawberries and strawberry jam.

___

When one door closes, another cracks open.

I am reading between the lines that I did not get the SouthLight Transition Management PSS role...I have to wait to hear until the end of next week. HOWEVER, I DID get an email this afternoon where Susan Cachay may have some work as a Mineral Nutritional Balancing Practitioner. Could be a ton of people... so a ton of practice... really dig in to that role. God's will be done!

___

I'm pretty tired so not firing on all cylinders but wanted to make note about how much I love Ryan and how great I think he is. It's not easy, but it is beautiful and I think we are really making headway and helping one another a lot. It's nice to be loved back and cared for back and he is very in-tune with me. Tonight I was trying to process a blip we had (where I was micromanaging the salad and then didn't communicate with him properly... just a stupid thing)... but I was trying to move forward and was processing it internally but he could tell I was "off" and started the "are you okay?" thing and I said I was, but I really wasn't on all layers because I was processing that... but he invited me to actually discuss it with him and work through it because he could feel the separation while I was thinking of it on my own. He is just suuuuuuper sensitive. Which is good. But we also need to learn to shield and turn down our sensitivity some so we can have healthy interactions. 

Mirror mirror on the wall

it's 5/8 at 10:01 and I just get SO MANY MIRROR CODES ... I know it has to do with Ryan. He and I are the same. My dysregulation shows up at anxiety and his shows up as anger/frustration. We both have ego problems and both want to be loved and have lots of love to give. We both have amazing animals in our lives and are both misunderstood (even by ourselves). We both have torn up lightbodies or whatever it is that allows us to be a dark portal and we lose control of ourselves and spin out and accidentally gaslight. We both are empathic and have learned narcissism in order to protect ourselves. We are complex.

___ 

I wrote this to Ryan and 10:08:

Good morning Ryan.❤️ I just wanted to reiterate that I love you and think the world of you. I hope you are feeling okay today and that God opens up some doors for context/understanding/wisdom to come through to give you deeper understanding of yourself and the world around you. (I pray for that for myself too and I am getting it.) Did you end up having to go to work? I have an alignment appointment at 2:30. Chipping away at the old job now. Peace be with you, Love!

...and a few minutes later his Dad called and we talked ... he and Dee and I... and she said I can be honest about whatever... and we just had a really good heart-to-heart and processing...

___

It would be healthier to spend less time with Ryan... more time with myself... and stretch our relationship out so it lasts longer and hopefully helps us to grow individually and as a couple. I don't care for his lifestyle of watching lots of loud TV and sports and just eating crap food and sleeping all the time and hermiting... he "lives" for such a small slice of life. I want to value my own time and energy and make use of the time I have here well. It IS good to be "idle", for me, but I want to spend that idle time on a kayak or in the woods or meditating or taking a bath. Not watching Ryan work (although that IS fun and a good experience and I'm supporting him... I think that is actually "couple" time which I DO need to GIVE.)

So I need to find my own way. And maybe Jim's right that I should find an Alanon meeting. Find out how to be support Ryan. 

___

8/12:21 - mirror code popped through related to Melanie too. (As I'm creating the list of Step One questions to work through... and looking up overeaters anonymous meetings, adult children of alcoholics meetings, and al-anon meetings... loading up the calendar!)

___

Didn't make it to any of those meetings tonight but I DID have a fannnntastic honest conversation with Ryan... we talk well together... really working some stuff out. He is willing/wants to go to an ACA meeting with me if I can find a live one. Cool. 

We also went to Wilson to get a new phone for him and then he took me out to Olive Garden for dinner. I really like being spoiled by him! He opens all my doors for me and holds my hand and buys me meals. It's really nice.

I DO need to get my body and brain in better shape for him. That means a CABASH for the carbs and sugar! RYAN is worth it! (OH. HELLO?!! CARISSA is worth it!!)

Selfish

Remember that my judgments are mirrors. So what am I seeing here?

It's Dee's upset which was depicting Jim's upset ... saying how selfish Ryan was. How he was just sitting on his porch watching his Dad work to prepare for his party without offering to help. Now I know that Ryan had bad feelings about his Dad offering to have a party... disdain for it. And yesterday he was mad at his Dad because Dee was using a pick-ax to make holes for her flowers... he feels like his Dad treats Dee like a work-horse. 

But he really didn't offer to help and he was upset that I was. I offered to be nice but then after hearing that, I was trying to be a stand-in for Ryan sort-of, so they didn't feel alone. 

Dee said that Jim wanted to raise Ryan's rent and she talked him off the ledge to not make a rash decision... but Ryan really isn't doing much or helping at all over there. He has started mowing his little part of the lawn, but he just isn't a big helper or team player or family player....

We were supposed to have a date this weekend... he was going to take me to the museum and mini-golf and a restaurant in Raleigh but then it was after noon yesterday and he decided to work on the car yesterday (he IS taking care of me/my car) and then we'd go today to Raleigh. 

I woke up late ... almost 9:30 and it was 10 when I got back here to do a few chores and wait for him to get me....he was awake and up when I left, but I guess he went back to bed. He ended up getting me around 1:30 or 2 and he helped me move the hay which was great. And we went home and I waited around for him to be ready to do his laundry and I helped Dee make burgs and offered to pick up some more stuff for them when I was out with Ryan. He didn't love that I put that on him. 

He didn't want me to go to their party but said I could do what I wanted. I tried but it was too awkward alone. He is hostile. We watched his Celtics game (very stressful, I realize).... everything is just all about him. He's just not regulated. Reminds me a lot of Davin. Lots of mental games and passive-aggressive behaviors and toying with emotions and I think he (too) has DID (dissociative identity disorder)... trauma... he just can be different people. I can't put words to it. 

He threatened me about his cut-off being 200 pounds and kept asking me when I was going back on my diet. He was mad that I was wanting the cool whip layer cake thing (which they didn't have). But he bought me/us pizza and CRAP on Friday night...

We had great sex yesterday. It was deeper than before, and lovely, just not super deep because he's not very deep *YET. I think he has great promise and there's some phrase he's always saying in tibetan, that his Mom used to say, about with great suffering comes great ... something... power or overcoming or something that reminds me of transcendence and beauty.

I just see the tortured soul and it is always flip around and trying to grab power where it can (probably because it feels so powerless). He is a supreme egotist (probably because he feels inferior). He is very selfish and can't see beyond his own understanding unless he has the gumption to look. 

____

8/12:05 Gaaaaah. 

Ryan just called and accosted me. He's not well. I think he just broke up with me. He said he'd have all my stuff in a box on his porch that I can come pick up. 

He just hung up on me again. 2x. So much drama. Pushing. Psycho ... 

So it comes down to the fact that I created judgments based on witnessing Dee's upset of Jim's upset about how Ryan was selfish. 

I saw, first hand, Ryan's self-centered and ...I wish I had a word for it... some kind of mental illness... but I need to integrate all this stuff. He's saying such backwards stuff now:

"You can't just have a nice time or a normal relationship. I feel sorry for you. 😢😞"

Mind games. So many. It's all manipulation. It's the whole narcissism and empath split... he really is just like me. He's spinning out. I have to be a compassionate witness. Is it his pain body? He's dark portalling? I'm here to learn "geomancy" (My AG pick for today: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Geomancy) and this is my practice. 

He must have similar architecture to mine. 

I just had a brief chat with the pendulum who continues to tell me that I am supposed to stay with Ryan and it said we do have similar architecture and that our relationship is helping him heal. And helping me heal. 

I just feel like I'm going backwards. This is MUCH worse than Paul. He treats me MUCH worse... but he CARES more... he's not trying to siphon me or take advantage of me. He wants to love me. 

Well... I just wrote back:

Hey Ryan, I think you're great. I'm sorry that I mess up...and I try to be transparent about it with you when I do. I don't want to judge you, I tried not to. I didn't say anything mean, I was quiet and gentle and tried to be there for you and be there with you. I also tried to "heal"/represent on your behalf so that it would soften any percieved slights. I don't have anything more I can share with you other than I'm sorry. I love you. I hope you don't choose to break up with me over this, but if you do, I honor your choice. I honor your path. I honor all of you and am grateful for the lessons we share. 

If you want a "smack in the face" judgement which you seem to enjoy sometimes, it's this: You sure appear pretty darn self-centered and that's especially shitty when your family is so generous to/with you. 

I didn't lie. I am holding back because I am integrating my own understanding and need space to do so. 

I love you. 

Good night (or good morning if you get this then).

It's a shit show. I just need to go to bed. I don't feel emotional. Thanks be to God for the neutrality. He's a dry drunk. He has so much unhealed trauma. And he is so sensitive. In today's first chat with Melanie for our 12-Step Accountability Partner meeting, she said that in the "Big Red Book" for children of alcoholic parents, that it said something about how they tend to be perfectionists... and Ryan definitely is that. 

He just needs some serious help... but he's got to want it. Therapy, accountability, community, etc.

I need it too. 
This is all a lesson for me. So much to learn. 

But right now I need to get some rest.

I don't want to eat junk, watch junk, spend my time on junk, waste my time...squander it... eat junk... I don't want to breathe secondhand smoke anymore... wait around for Ryan anymore... while he sleeps... I want to focus on my life and accomplish my tasks. I sure appreciate what he did for me in helping with my car and I think he's very handsome and I'm attracted to and interested in and enjoy being with Ryan... but not if it's going to tie me up more and more like in Gulliver's Travels... are they like little lines tieing me down? These mind-games. 

I don't know what's me and what's not me. 

Women supporting women group - harmlessness

My first share in Melanie's Women Supporting Women group:

Thank you for bringing forward this topic of harmlessness, Melanie. Really resonates. I'm new to the group (thank you for the invite!) so not sure if it's appropriate to share/bounce things off everyone? I guess I'll try it and see where it goes. I always welcome feedback and shared thoughts and experiences. 

I'm currently grappling with the topic of "harmlessness" in my relationship with my boyfriend in a different way than I have before. I have been trying not to apply "judgement" in regards to his actions (or thoughts or emotions) ... trying to "hold space" (but is there still judgement going on behind my veil anyway?). I thought this was the holy way to be... the kind way... but it's been very strange because he keeps asking me for feedback and my thoughts ... asking me to tell him what he doesn't see in himself. He almost gets upset about it... like it's my "job" to reflect back to him. 

I think this is sticky business because frankly how do I know that what I am seeing is "correct"? We really ARE mirrors for each other and God keeps showing me that. You've heard that old adage that when you point your finger at someone, there are 3 (or 4?) pointing right back at you?! I've learned that to be true. So how can I feel confident sharing my feelings? What if they're wrong? Aren't I harming him with my perceptions and judgements? (Even if they are shared in love?)

It's strange but the two times I've "given in" and shared my frank feelings, he has instantly brightened. I don't know if his pain body was "fed" by this and let go of him, or if it was legitimately supportive? Anyway... I'm grateful for this space to share my experience and processing and ask God for more direction and insight into the matter.

Much love to you all! <3

Slow Sex

When will I learn? I am so slow. 

I tried to share with Ryan that I wanted us to practice "Slow Sex" which is something Le'Anna and I talked about yesterday and a podcast (Kim Amani) that I listened to today... and he lost his MIND. He was so mean and so weird... everything he was saying was about HIM... he said something like "you're so arrogant and contentious and ... "... I don't know but it was everything he was doing... he blew up and kicked me out again. I wanted to talk to him but I didn't buy in to his pain body trying to attack me. I just tried to be a witness to it. 

He was surprisingly loving and kind when I told him about my breakdown of eating all that crap and trying to kill myself with food, etc... and he said I was beautiful... and we had a lovely evening... he even came in to my apartment today and sat and talked with Paul for a few minutes while I packed. He had invited me to sleep over. 

(big sigh)

It's just so messed up... so bipolar...so Jekyl and Hyde. 
I need to let it go. 

He said I was trying to sabotage our time together.

He's so charismatic and handsome and lovely when he is.

He's a terror when he's not all the rest of that.

Tortured soul.

Part of me is just now - an hour or so later and after a bath and some work - thinking "I should go back over and get in bed with him"... but that is a part of me that apparently likes or wants to encourage drama. I am a responsible and neutral human... working on polarity integration and respecting and loving myself. I cannot encourage this ... he has to take ownership and feel into it and learn from it if he wants to. There is a reason he's been single most of his life (except for 2 relationships... one short one that was less than a year off and on and one for 2 years in his early 20s). 

Our souls love each other but our traumas and personality overlays have problems. Big ones. 

He is not reasonable. Sometimes he is, but mostly he's a live wire.

I'm so sick in my body from eating crap. I've got to NOT eat ANY processed sugar and very few carbs. Get back to ME. 

I need clarity and energy... these awful foods are stealing that. Meat only helped me to have that... so much energy and clarity and I felt great! Maybe I should do like Dee's PT and eat one red potato a day and maybe a little vegetable now and then, but I really felt so good on carnivore.

If Ryan wants to date me, he can woo me and be kind to me and we can take it slow. If not, we can be friends and if not, it's fine. I don't need this drama in my life. I need to get back to ME. SOLID. I am breaking down because I am not in alignment with myself because I'm giving myself away... how much of my time and energy am I just squandering on Ryan? And for what? For abuse and the hope that he'll give me a drop of love?

Don't fear losing love. Lose it. If you love something, let it go and if it returns to you then it's yours to keep forever. Or something like that. Tyrone used to say it. 

I also had to feel into the betrayal I feel by Corie. How she has chosen Paul over me and how they perpetuate that. They invited Paul to Kenneth's birthday party today. Not Ryan. Paul. Without telling me. He didn't come, and I mentioned it to him because he was going to be in Raleigh so I may have kind of invited him too... I also invited Ryan. Neither came. But Corie made a big to-do of me having to bring this big care-package of food home to Paul. They call him and talk to him and check on him. And I am actually 4/11:44 glad about it because I want him to be well and thrive, but it still stings me.

Paul asked what was going on tonight when I came home from Ryan's and I'm sure I blabbed too much. I don't know what I said. I'm in brain fog. I've got to go back to carnivore so I can get my brain back. But I wish I hadn't. Paul just stores it as ammo against me too. Ugh.

Drama

Drama.

But really beauuuutiful drama the last couple days... SO MUCH LOVE between Ryan and I. And if I'm honest, even tonight when it got sticky, he did really well... much better than usual. And this sounds like I'm saying that I am superior and the judge and deem him "doing really well"... which isn't fair. I don't know that I did well. There's a lot to unpack. Where am I compromising myself and giving myself away?

I don’t like the way I look when I see myself through Ryan’s eyes

At the same time, he said my hat that Paul didn’t like, looked adorable on me… He said I’m so adorable and that made me feel really good so it’s confusing

 

We had such a lovely day... he said I looked adorable and got giddy and so sweet when I showed him my big floppy hat that I love from that Chapel Hill garden place. I have been too embarrassed to wear it because Paul said it was so ugly, but it made my heart sing.

And we had a lovely nap/rest this afternoon... and then a fun trip to Goldsboro where we went to Harbor Freight Tools and to Melioria for foot reflexology and Tui-Na back massages and then to Outback for a FEAST. It was all so wonderful. 

When I got carbs in me I don't do as well though... not as clear... definitely puffy and inflammed and it messes up my clarity and then when we got home I should have gone home but instead I went inside and some how we started talking about anal sex maybe? Or something that led to a whole sex talk about how maybe we are sexually incompatible and how it is apparent that I'm not willing to try new things or something... basically that I say one thing and act another way. And maybe that's true. I'm confused. I mean I WANT to want to do whatever, but I get nervous and ticklish. But I let him start anal sex with me and it hurt soooo bad but I tried. And I let him smack me all the time (my butt) and he's rough with me and I try to grin and bear it and gently encourage him to be gentle now and then... and I've expressed interest in tantric sex and he makes fun of me for that and calls me "vanilla". I think he's right. We're not compatible. I mean, HE'S the one who asked if we could have a relationship with not that much sex and I said I'd try. I just can't help that I'm so attracted to him. I've overshot in building him up because he knows how handsome he is... maybe he already knew...but he said if I don't want to do something (anal sex), he'll just get it elsewhere. He apologized later for saying it, but it messes with my head. Anyway... I said that I need to figure out a way to turn off my attraction to him. My attraction and desire create expectations and needs and these cause me to, I guess, be either too forward or too needy. How does this work, God? Is this natural or inorganic? Seems natural.... but can we create a mutually satisfying agreement on how to handle this? I also don't want to pressure him so he feels like he needs to take drugs. I hate that he does that but he says he doesn't and loves the way it makes him feel. But he says my pressure, leading him into the bedroom, was... I don't know what he said... but it had negative connotations. Controlling and willfull probably.

I saw a really good meme on IG today that seems relevant

I'm not sure if I'm pushing my own boundaries ... compromising... to try to meet Ryan's needs and create something that works for both of us, or if I'm giving myself away. I need to take more time with myself... 

Would like to share an analogy or depiction of spiritual reality that came forward when I was talking to Paul today. I was expressing how I feel this whole life experience is between "ME and me"... you know. But I said it was like all the rest of this stuff... where we live, job, relationships, etc...that's all part of the "skin".... like if we were in a video game... that's just the make-up of the land we are in at the time (I was thinking of the original "Legends of Zelda" where you'd go to different lands and run around and collect coins or weapons or whatever... but it's just a skin.... everything else changes and it's all there to enhance your experience, but ultimately it's just YOU and you .... embodying your Higher Self.... working the angles and pieces that your soul wants to work on/through.... collect the points.... 

So confusing with Ryan. It's so beautiful much of the time. Our souls love each other. But when it's not, it gets yucky. 

I feel myself pushing and willfull. Dropping hints....no... straight up saying "if you get me a ring it doesn't need to be a diamond"... "when I buy us our house"... etc... Just forward and not feminine or responsive or submissive. DRIVING. It's not good. Paying for him to have the foot/back massage (I had a gift certificate), and for dinner (I wanted to thank him for taking care of my car).... but it's setting a tone and he keeps joking "you take such good care of me", which he's trying to be funny, but it's uncomfortable because he's masculine. The roles are messed up, reversed. And I'M DRIVING that. I'm trying to be patient in so many ways and AM in so many ways...but sometimes I fail and when I do, I'm very masculine. 

It's 12:33am on 5/3/2023.... 20 years since Joe and I got married. 

Anyway... I've got to come back to loving ME. And meet my OWN sexual needs and then allow Ryan to court me and woo me and if HE WANTS me, and I want him back, then maybe we'll see what happens but I need to reel it in. And meet my own needs. Period. 

The biggest need now is sleep, sweet Carissa! I've got a mini-interview conversation tomorrow morning about a CPSS job that I've got to be rested for! Get to bed! I LOVE YOU!!

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3/1:30

I just want to say how interesting my AG pick was today... because as we were getting our Tui-Na yesterday I wondered if there was something going on related to Asian grids.
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Asian_Grid_Project

I wonder if this is related to or causation for Ryan's and my blow-up yesterday? Everything is connected.

We are talking to each other kindly today so it is what it is. I'm glad that I'm going to Le'Anna's tonight and won't be able to see him. I find that I don't want to see him. That's a first. 

I had a TRANSCENDENT breakthrough... thanks be to GOD... that allowed me to make some progress on John's case.... I talked to a public defender in Wake County (after talking to his useless paralegal here in JoCo and then the ADA's office and then the public defender's office where an attorney overheard my plea)...and he is going to try to move this thing along, thanks be to God!

I also had not one, but TWO interviews today for CPSS jobs! They were both GREAT, but I really want to work with SouthLight... I like the feel of their organization and offerings better. They pay more too. 

Sunrise is in Durham and only pays for my "billable hours" with clients. Yeah. Doesn't feel right. They asked me to update my resume to bring out my experience more, but I think I should just pass altogether. Should I wait to hear from SouthLight first? Angh. I don't think so. They said they'd maybe meet me in the middle and pay me $14 an hour. SouthLight pays $17. Neither are great, but if it's a job I can love, it sounds good to me. I need to ask if I'm paid for drive time. 

Anyway... it's been a good day. And I'm going to spend some QT with Le'Anna, so it will get better. And have time in the car to chill and listen to Lisa's talks. Yep. Good.

Oh snap! That Asian Grid Project is an actual meditation too! Okay, downloading and will work with it now...

What else is "UP"? The INFINITY sign. I've been getting that song "Shadows", I think it is, with an infinity sign on my music list....

and JELLYFISH. I posted this the other day in the forum:

What's up with Jellyfish recently? They've come to consciousness quite a few times in the last month. Learning about "Cannonball Jellyfish".

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cannonball_jellyfish

My friend sent me a photo of one this morning:

Thought it was notable.

MUAH!

ps. Oh man, that photo is so sad. I'm sorry. It feels so bad with that little friend all sideways and maybe even still partially alive but dying? Yuck. But feels like there's something to know.

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