it's 5/8 at 10:01 and I just get SO MANY MIRROR CODES ... I know it has to do with Ryan. He and I are the same. My dysregulation shows up at anxiety and his shows up as anger/frustration. We both have ego problems and both want to be loved and have lots of love to give. We both have amazing animals in our lives and are both misunderstood (even by ourselves). We both have torn up lightbodies or whatever it is that allows us to be a dark portal and we lose control of ourselves and spin out and accidentally gaslight. We both are empathic and have learned narcissism in order to protect ourselves. We are complex.
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I wrote this to Ryan and 10:08:
Good morning Ryan.❤️ I just wanted to reiterate that I love you and think the world of you. I hope you are feeling okay today and that God opens up some doors for context/understanding/wisdom to come through to give you deeper understanding of yourself and the world around you. (I pray for that for myself too and I am getting it.) Did you end up having to go to work? I have an alignment appointment at 2:30. Chipping away at the old job now. Peace be with you, Love!
...and a few minutes later his Dad called and we talked ... he and Dee and I... and she said I can be honest about whatever... and we just had a really good heart-to-heart and processing...
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It would be healthier to spend less time with Ryan... more time with myself... and stretch our relationship out so it lasts longer and hopefully helps us to grow individually and as a couple. I don't care for his lifestyle of watching lots of loud TV and sports and just eating crap food and sleeping all the time and hermiting... he "lives" for such a small slice of life. I want to value my own time and energy and make use of the time I have here well. It IS good to be "idle", for me, but I want to spend that idle time on a kayak or in the woods or meditating or taking a bath. Not watching Ryan work (although that IS fun and a good experience and I'm supporting him... I think that is actually "couple" time which I DO need to GIVE.)
So I need to find my own way. And maybe Jim's right that I should find an Alanon meeting. Find out how to be support Ryan.
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8/12:21 - mirror code popped through related to Melanie too. (As I'm creating the list of Step One questions to work through... and looking up overeaters anonymous meetings, adult children of alcoholics meetings, and al-anon meetings... loading up the calendar!)
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Didn't make it to any of those meetings tonight but I DID have a fannnntastic honest conversation with Ryan... we talk well together... really working some stuff out. He is willing/wants to go to an ACA meeting with me if I can find a live one. Cool.
We also went to Wilson to get a new phone for him and then he took me out to Olive Garden for dinner. I really like being spoiled by him! He opens all my doors for me and holds my hand and buys me meals. It's really nice.
I DO need to get my body and brain in better shape for him. That means a CABASH for the carbs and sugar! RYAN is worth it! (OH. HELLO?!! CARISSA is worth it!!)
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