It was a stressful week. Job interview (that I don't think I got). Ryan and the ups and downs that go with that. I choose neutrality. I have chosen to be the compassionate witness. But I am poisoning myself. What does Ryan always say? Something about the bad swallowing the good? Like I can only sustain so much Hyde before it starts to poison me.
Our souls DO love each other. I know that I tried really hard and our love and the beauty that I have seen as possible is the carrot that keeps me moving through... and I've become better and stronger in some ways because of it.
I am at peace.
There are many things I don't like or want in my life... smoking, sleeping all day, lack of motivation, bitterness against family, self-centeredness, poverty-consciousness, eating only poison food and ridiculing everyone else who is choosing a new way. Egocentrism. Thinking that he knows better because Google told him so. He just has a lot of waking up to do and I don't know if he'll choose it or not.
The sex is getting better and I experienced a transcendent blowjob the other day that shows me that is possible.
It will be good for me to be alone for a while and to heal myself and lick my wounds and find my own strength and I can love and hope and pray for Ryan and maybe he'll perk up and choose life...but I definitely can't "save" or intentionally influence him. I can just focus on my own healing and love myself.
Last night I had some ascension symptoms, I'd like to say. Heart arrhythmia I am calling it, but it was a healing or transit and there is also clearing of black magic and correction of dark mother reversals happening. I need to remain connected to my own understanding and context otherwise I get scared. And it led to some panic. I listened to meditation after meditation for hours. I haven't done that in a while.
The whole thing with Ryan is maybe catching up to me. It could also have been the inordinate amount of chocolate chips I ate. Or the stress of the week. Or the day. The museum was fun but busy and living on eggshells around Ryan is taxing. And then his disgust and disdain when I was thinking about buying that tart/pie and cookies was absolute poison in my blood. I had to clear it.
Some good burps this morning... clearing black magic.
God, please comfort, guide, direct, and protect my beloved Ryan. I pray for his healing and growth and that he might find and step into the man he IS created to BE.
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9:11 and 9:09 and 9:19
1:44 2:22 44 22 3:13 5/15 14:44 14:44 15/4:44
Great podcast Melanie sent me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HzmoLqYPdT4
"eating is an expression of the way we treat ourselves"
There is SO MUCH TO LEARN here in this place where I am exploring this situation with food.
I just wrote this to Ryan... should I send?
I see your radiant and powerful soul and trust with my whole heart that you will continue to persevere in all you are here to do. You can do anything you set your heart to!
Seems like we are out of sync on quite a few issues which I kept brushing off or looking at through idealistic rose colored glasses (this could be fueling the addictive tendencies raising their ugly head), but what came up in our last interaction (and the fallout afterwards) seems to finally be enough to signal me to pump the brakes.
I've tried to be supportive and accepting of you despite feeling that you are not making good choices for yourself, but you are sovereign and have the freedom to explore whatever it is you are here on earth to feel into. In return, I long for my partner to offer me the same... ideally loving me just the way I am (fat or not, carbs and sweet-tooth or not). I am not my body. I AM having a pretty profound experience / personal journey in this life... healing and feeling and living and experiencing what MY soul wants to learn. My body and its fuel has always been a big part of it for me. Food represents life, connection, family, health, fun, rewards, and also has some dark shadows from self-inflicted pain I've created.
Long story short, shame doesn't help me find my center, I tried that tactic most of my life - I need to treat myself with love, care, and acceptance. Lean into why I might crave something, and determine what is really bad and what isn't. Sometimes a cookie is okay. (It's worth mentioning that disdainful disgust coming from someone who ate a bowl of sugar-cereal (pure carbs and sugar) for brunch doesn't make much sense. Walk the talk before you start judging.)
I'm not sure what the future has in store for "us", but I want you to know that I am rooting for you.
"By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest." ~Confucius
I love you, Ryan, and I'm sorry.
Yep. Sending. Took me an hour to write that. Gah.
I sent my USDA home loan application today too!
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today lots of 9's again... 9:19, 9911, 9:09
I got a "forgiveness" affirmation today so I am choosing to forgive Ryan. I see how it was starting to become a worm of bitterness... no. I choose my life and my happiness and to "DO ME" and that's it. I will not hold grudges.
If you are "ghosting" me, it's okay. (Look at how "hip" I am, using words that the young whippersnappers use... "ghosting"!! 👻😂)... anyway... I choose acceptance, peace, love, and forgiveness. I am writing today to communicate that I forgive you. I am making a conscious effort to let go of any hurt and my own judgements and victim-consciousness associated with it. I choose to hold only love in my heart for you and wishes for peace and prosperity for you. God bless you Ryan. Have a beautiful day. 💝
So that's that.
I AM planning to go get that tart today and maybe TWO and share with Jim and Dee!
I need to read today's AG pick with more intention and eyes and heart open... verrrrry interesting one:https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Samael (and yesterday I got "Thothian Leviathan". We're dealing with some BLACK STUFF here! Thanks be to God!!)
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Today I: Met up with Jannelle and her Aunt Ignacia at the Rose Gardens in Raleigh and had a tiny picnic and talked to "Sweet T" picnic lady, stopped by and dropped note for Page at work, went to Wegmanns and got 5 chocolate chip cookies for national chocolate chip cookie day (I've eaten 4 of them so far)...and got 2 crostatas (strawberry-rhubarb and apple)... went to the O'Malleys and looked at their newly expanded pond and shared in the crostatas with them....talked to John and talked to his lawyer, Attorney Fauntleroy (who graciously called me back), filled the O'Malleys in. Talked to Jeff today - good and fun talk, messaged with Candice, talked to Mama Bear a few times, including to her hospital and nurse, and went to bank and took my name off the joint accounts with Michael and Paul...went to the gym... shared my breakfast london broil with Paul... gave Moses a marrow bone, Manson too. Vern ate out of my hand for the first time today... he was alone waiting to go in for the night... he's Burchie's son! I need to take a photo of him for Mr. Burch! I took a bath. Video chatted (MP) with Anne-Marie who will meet me in the Outer Banks next week. Talked to my Mom. Talked to Paul about how he's got to make a commitment to getting money to pay rent. There is something wrong with him. Really. Oh, took his package to the post office. Texted a little with Ryan... waiting on his "magnum opus" that he's been writing for 2 days. Sounds like he wants to work it out. The more I'm away from him, the less I do. Missed Melanie's group because the lawyer called at exactly the time I was supposed to jump on that call. Worked.... set up interviews. Still doing that. Yeah. Full day. :) Oh, chatted with Michael quite a bit today too.
Now I'm eating those Rice Crips (with sugar and corn syrup!!)... this is because I wasn't responsible about eating dinner. I'm not even hungry.
Saw 10:10 2x ... and 9:44. And 18:18 and 20:20 and 20:02 and 21:12 and ... so many.
I'm about to eat the last cookie.
I don't want it. I want to eat it out of the house. What is that about?
I also just applied for a few more jobs! Busy. Busy. Now I need to get away from the computer. I've been secretly waiting for Ryan's message but I think I need to just let it go. He might have fallen asleep. I told him I'd be patient.
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