But really beauuuutiful drama the last couple days... SO MUCH LOVE between Ryan and I. And if I'm honest, even tonight when it got sticky, he did really well... much better than usual. And this sounds like I'm saying that I am superior and the judge and deem him "doing really well"... which isn't fair. I don't know that I did well. There's a lot to unpack. Where am I compromising myself and giving myself away?
I don’t like the way I look when I see myself through Ryan’s eyes
At the same time, he said my hat that Paul didn’t like, looked adorable on me… He said I’m so adorable and that made me feel really good so it’s confusing
We had such a lovely day... he said I looked adorable and got giddy and so sweet when I showed him my big floppy hat that I love from that Chapel Hill garden place. I have been too embarrassed to wear it because Paul said it was so ugly, but it made my heart sing.
And we had a lovely nap/rest this afternoon... and then a fun trip to Goldsboro where we went to Harbor Freight Tools and to Melioria for foot reflexology and Tui-Na back massages and then to Outback for a FEAST. It was all so wonderful.
And we had a lovely nap/rest this afternoon... and then a fun trip to Goldsboro where we went to Harbor Freight Tools and to Melioria for foot reflexology and Tui-Na back massages and then to Outback for a FEAST. It was all so wonderful.
When I got carbs in me I don't do as well though... not as clear... definitely puffy and inflammed and it messes up my clarity and then when we got home I should have gone home but instead I went inside and some how we started talking about anal sex maybe? Or something that led to a whole sex talk about how maybe we are sexually incompatible and how it is apparent that I'm not willing to try new things or something... basically that I say one thing and act another way. And maybe that's true. I'm confused. I mean I WANT to want to do whatever, but I get nervous and ticklish. But I let him start anal sex with me and it hurt soooo bad but I tried. And I let him smack me all the time (my butt) and he's rough with me and I try to grin and bear it and gently encourage him to be gentle now and then... and I've expressed interest in tantric sex and he makes fun of me for that and calls me "vanilla". I think he's right. We're not compatible. I mean, HE'S the one who asked if we could have a relationship with not that much sex and I said I'd try. I just can't help that I'm so attracted to him. I've overshot in building him up because he knows how handsome he is... maybe he already knew...but he said if I don't want to do something (anal sex), he'll just get it elsewhere. He apologized later for saying it, but it messes with my head. Anyway... I said that I need to figure out a way to turn off my attraction to him. My attraction and desire create expectations and needs and these cause me to, I guess, be either too forward or too needy. How does this work, God? Is this natural or inorganic? Seems natural.... but can we create a mutually satisfying agreement on how to handle this? I also don't want to pressure him so he feels like he needs to take drugs. I hate that he does that but he says he doesn't and loves the way it makes him feel. But he says my pressure, leading him into the bedroom, was... I don't know what he said... but it had negative connotations. Controlling and willfull probably.
I saw a really good meme on IG today that seems relevant
I'm not sure if I'm pushing my own boundaries ... compromising... to try to meet Ryan's needs and create something that works for both of us, or if I'm giving myself away. I need to take more time with myself...
Would like to share an analogy or depiction of spiritual reality that came forward when I was talking to Paul today. I was expressing how I feel this whole life experience is between "ME and me"... you know. But I said it was like all the rest of this stuff... where we live, job, relationships, etc...that's all part of the "skin".... like if we were in a video game... that's just the make-up of the land we are in at the time (I was thinking of the original "Legends of Zelda" where you'd go to different lands and run around and collect coins or weapons or whatever... but it's just a skin.... everything else changes and it's all there to enhance your experience, but ultimately it's just YOU and you .... embodying your Higher Self.... working the angles and pieces that your soul wants to work on/through.... collect the points....
So confusing with Ryan. It's so beautiful much of the time. Our souls love each other. But when it's not, it gets yucky.
I feel myself pushing and willfull. Dropping hints....no... straight up saying "if you get me a ring it doesn't need to be a diamond"... "when I buy us our house"... etc... Just forward and not feminine or responsive or submissive. DRIVING. It's not good. Paying for him to have the foot/back massage (I had a gift certificate), and for dinner (I wanted to thank him for taking care of my car).... but it's setting a tone and he keeps joking "you take such good care of me", which he's trying to be funny, but it's uncomfortable because he's masculine. The roles are messed up, reversed. And I'M DRIVING that. I'm trying to be patient in so many ways and AM in so many ways...but sometimes I fail and when I do, I'm very masculine.
It's 12:33am on 5/3/2023.... 20 years since Joe and I got married.
Anyway... I've got to come back to loving ME. And meet my OWN sexual needs and then allow Ryan to court me and woo me and if HE WANTS me, and I want him back, then maybe we'll see what happens but I need to reel it in. And meet my own needs. Period.
The biggest need now is sleep, sweet Carissa! I've got a mini-interview conversation tomorrow morning about a CPSS job that I've got to be rested for! Get to bed! I LOVE YOU!!
____
3/1:30
I just want to say how interesting my AG pick was today... because as we were getting our Tui-Na yesterday I wondered if there was something going on related to Asian grids.
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Asian_Grid_Project
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Asian_Grid_Project
I wonder if this is related to or causation for Ryan's and my blow-up yesterday? Everything is connected.
We are talking to each other kindly today so it is what it is. I'm glad that I'm going to Le'Anna's tonight and won't be able to see him. I find that I don't want to see him. That's a first.
I had a TRANSCENDENT breakthrough... thanks be to GOD... that allowed me to make some progress on John's case.... I talked to a public defender in Wake County (after talking to his useless paralegal here in JoCo and then the ADA's office and then the public defender's office where an attorney overheard my plea)...and he is going to try to move this thing along, thanks be to God!
I also had not one, but TWO interviews today for CPSS jobs! They were both GREAT, but I really want to work with SouthLight... I like the feel of their organization and offerings better. They pay more too.
Sunrise is in Durham and only pays for my "billable hours" with clients. Yeah. Doesn't feel right. They asked me to update my resume to bring out my experience more, but I think I should just pass altogether. Should I wait to hear from SouthLight first? Angh. I don't think so. They said they'd maybe meet me in the middle and pay me $14 an hour. SouthLight pays $17. Neither are great, but if it's a job I can love, it sounds good to me. I need to ask if I'm paid for drive time.
Anyway... it's been a good day. And I'm going to spend some QT with Le'Anna, so it will get better. And have time in the car to chill and listen to Lisa's talks. Yep. Good.
I had a TRANSCENDENT breakthrough... thanks be to GOD... that allowed me to make some progress on John's case.... I talked to a public defender in Wake County (after talking to his useless paralegal here in JoCo and then the ADA's office and then the public defender's office where an attorney overheard my plea)...and he is going to try to move this thing along, thanks be to God!
I also had not one, but TWO interviews today for CPSS jobs! They were both GREAT, but I really want to work with SouthLight... I like the feel of their organization and offerings better. They pay more too.
Sunrise is in Durham and only pays for my "billable hours" with clients. Yeah. Doesn't feel right. They asked me to update my resume to bring out my experience more, but I think I should just pass altogether. Should I wait to hear from SouthLight first? Angh. I don't think so. They said they'd maybe meet me in the middle and pay me $14 an hour. SouthLight pays $17. Neither are great, but if it's a job I can love, it sounds good to me. I need to ask if I'm paid for drive time.
Anyway... it's been a good day. And I'm going to spend some QT with Le'Anna, so it will get better. And have time in the car to chill and listen to Lisa's talks. Yep. Good.
Oh snap! That Asian Grid Project is an actual meditation too! Okay, downloading and will work with it now...
What else is "UP"? The INFINITY sign. I've been getting that song "Shadows", I think it is, with an infinity sign on my music list....
and JELLYFISH. I posted this the other day in the forum:
What's up with Jellyfish recently? They've come to consciousness quite a few times in the last month. Learning about "Cannonball Jellyfish".
My friend sent me a photo of one this morning:
Thought it was notable.
MUAH!
ps. Oh man, that photo is so sad. I'm sorry. It feels so bad with that little friend all sideways and maybe even still partially alive but dying? Yuck. But feels like there's something to know.
____
2:22 222 12:22
No comments:
Post a Comment