I have a lot of feelings. Hurt feelings. He was NOT nice to me this morning. He DID give me a curt good morning kiss before waking up. No snuggles, no warmth. He left and slammed the door behind him which I slid open and went out and waved him away. Not kind, not warm, not loving. He was blaming me for his lack of sleep... we went to bed at almost 1am... he got home after 7 and came in after 8 (after sitting and smoking outside)... took his shower and putzed around and I made dinner at maybe 9 and watched his hour-long jeopardy which would make it around 10 or later and then we watched my 26 minute Kim Amani talk and then eventually went to bed probably close to midnight and he seemed like he wanted something so I offered a blowjob which he was happy to accept. I swallowed. Thank you God for teaching me this. But it is one-sided.
Luckily I had taken care of myself earlier in the day and the truth is, I need to just do that... make love with ME. I liked Kim Amani's analogy of preparing the house for a party... while waiting for your partner to show up. I want to take the 30-day sex challenge. Have sex with myself for 30-days. Can I start today or shall I start when I get back from the Outer Banks?
That's another thing. Yesterday...or now it was the day before... Ryan asked what I wanted and I said I wanted him to come to the Outer Banks and he said he would. Then he backed out and said he'd come for a few days (not sure if it was the word "few"...could have been "couple"... or something else)...but it made me think that he would at least make an appearance. Yesterday I told him I was shopping for a bathing suit for him and he asked why and I said for the trip and he said he didn't think he could come. He had to work and didn't give "notice" (when that's BS as he's doing an under-the-table job that the guy would be happy to support Ryan having a trip like this)... anyway... he said he really needs the money (as he's about to buy a $1500 phone on credit. He got his phone run over and then wisely bought one he could afford but he doesn't feel that it's cool enough for him or something like that...status, I think he said. Anyway, I keep suggesting he save up for the other phone he wants but he wants to buy it on credit. That's not a responsible decision and it shows his scrambled wires and he gets loud about it... he's volatile and hostile and moody as heck.
I realized he seems to have multiple personalities and I'm in love with one of them... one is very kind and loves me. Most are skeptical and rude and arrogant.
You should have seen his ego the other day... randomly declaring stuff like "I'm smarter than you! I'm so smart." Lots of stuff like that. He started showing me an article of a number of things that show someone is smart... the first was "endless curiosity" or something like that. The second was "open-minded" and when I wrinkled my nose at that, he shut it down. Later he said number 8 was "emotional intelligence" after I questioned that for him. Anyway... he's not balanced. He doesn't take care of himself. He blames everyone else for everything. He is mean. He's self-centered.
I don't feel pursued or that he thinks I'm beautiful (he is certainly challenged by my weight...even though he was heavy for much of his life... in the last couple months he's done some exercise it sounds like and has been moving around and seems to have lost some weight and looks good. I asked if he knew how handsome he was and he first said "no" but then we talked about something he said about having the "pick of the litter" when he worked at the pharmacy and he said that was when he was young and in his prime... but he said lately he's been looking in the mirror and seeing how handsome he is (he didn't say it like that), but that's good. He is getting handsomer. I feel like love also lights us up.
I'm getting uglier. I was beautiful when I was in love with myself.... and that's what I need to do. Focus on my relationship with ME. I don't know what's wrong with me! I keep giving myself away to these men who don't deserve me. Who don't even LIKE me!
Ryan is offended by my being (sometimes). I never know who I'm going to get. Sometimes he appreciates my spirituality and perspectives and sometimes he disdainfully tells me I'm an idiot. He has said so many mean things to me.
He got me out of the shit-show with Paul but I'm not sure if I'm supposed to get out of the shit-show with him. (A WORSE shit-show in a lot of ways... but I feel an attraction and love for Ryan (which is definitely being challenged by this horrible behavior))... so we'll see how it all unfolds. I always go back to day-dreaming about Jeff because when we talk we have a genuine connection and friendship and we laugh together. But Jeff is really sick... and doing drugs and drinking and wanting to die... super fucked up too.
I don't want to be alone. But I need to...
You should have seen his ego the other day... randomly declaring stuff like "I'm smarter than you! I'm so smart." Lots of stuff like that. He started showing me an article of a number of things that show someone is smart... the first was "endless curiosity" or something like that. The second was "open-minded" and when I wrinkled my nose at that, he shut it down. Later he said number 8 was "emotional intelligence" after I questioned that for him. Anyway... he's not balanced. He doesn't take care of himself. He blames everyone else for everything. He is mean. He's self-centered.
I don't feel pursued or that he thinks I'm beautiful (he is certainly challenged by my weight...even though he was heavy for much of his life... in the last couple months he's done some exercise it sounds like and has been moving around and seems to have lost some weight and looks good. I asked if he knew how handsome he was and he first said "no" but then we talked about something he said about having the "pick of the litter" when he worked at the pharmacy and he said that was when he was young and in his prime... but he said lately he's been looking in the mirror and seeing how handsome he is (he didn't say it like that), but that's good. He is getting handsomer. I feel like love also lights us up.
I'm getting uglier. I was beautiful when I was in love with myself.... and that's what I need to do. Focus on my relationship with ME. I don't know what's wrong with me! I keep giving myself away to these men who don't deserve me. Who don't even LIKE me!
Ryan is offended by my being (sometimes). I never know who I'm going to get. Sometimes he appreciates my spirituality and perspectives and sometimes he disdainfully tells me I'm an idiot. He has said so many mean things to me.
He got me out of the shit-show with Paul but I'm not sure if I'm supposed to get out of the shit-show with him. (A WORSE shit-show in a lot of ways... but I feel an attraction and love for Ryan (which is definitely being challenged by this horrible behavior))... so we'll see how it all unfolds. I always go back to day-dreaming about Jeff because when we talk we have a genuine connection and friendship and we laugh together. But Jeff is really sick... and doing drugs and drinking and wanting to die... super fucked up too.
I don't want to be alone. But I need to...
____
I don't know what happened or where I went. I guess to answer Anne-Marie and tell her that she can't spend lots of time with my family. This is up to me to make the most of my time... not be a victim... choose how I live and see life. Create boundaries. Create my own plan. Deirdre just sent me a meme that said something like "you'll be amazed at what you attract after you start believing in what you deserve."... and that's it. I need to believe in what I deserve. See my own value.
I put myself in the situation where someone that I supposedly love is constantly putting me down and making me feel like I'm stupid and what matters to me is crazy. I try to share my perspectives about multidimensionality, higher-selves, spirituality, religion, control, energetic architecture, bi-wave systems, etc. These are the things that light me up... that I enjoy talking about. And I just need to talk to people who also enjoy that.
And look at what the Universe HAS brought forward ... Malai... Ayla... maybe this nutritional balancing job opportunity... this is in the career space. MAYBE I can get paid to be a PSS for Jannelle? It feels a little fishy, but let's see what comes up.
I have a home that is great, and am tracking toward maybe having a loan to buy something that I can live in and love and nourish and it can nourish me... in God's time.
And I'm getting these experiences with people... John's case, fascinating. Ryan's personality and that whole situation, fascinating. So much to learn.
But I need to be in a romantic relationship with ME. That's it. Keeping myself open to these hurts by someone who is tossed to and fro by his ... you know what it is? He's got a WIDE OPEN aura... torn open ... that's what my problem was too. It's from our childhood trauma... that's what the NAA or whoever did on purpose... blew us up... created so many holes in our lightbody so that tricksters or demons or whatever dark energy wants to, can come in and mess around with us or make us a dark portal to fuck with someone else. Remember when I could feel and experience being a dark portal to Tyrone... I could feel the demons giggling at the situation through me.
So THAT'S why we shield! That's why it is so important! To shore up my lightbody and aura and repair holes. Drugs can create more holes. Do they always? (I want to respond yes. But are marijuana and mushrooms DRUGS? Is sugar? Carbs? Where's the line? I heard mushrooms can HELP. I need more information on this.)
Anyway, that's why Ryan is so sensitive... he is wide open... and also maybe the Jeopardy knowledge channeling... it's so interesting. That definitely appears to be a channel but could be stored knowledge. So much to observe, practice, learn... thank you God!!
I put myself in the situation where someone that I supposedly love is constantly putting me down and making me feel like I'm stupid and what matters to me is crazy. I try to share my perspectives about multidimensionality, higher-selves, spirituality, religion, control, energetic architecture, bi-wave systems, etc. These are the things that light me up... that I enjoy talking about. And I just need to talk to people who also enjoy that.
And look at what the Universe HAS brought forward ... Malai... Ayla... maybe this nutritional balancing job opportunity... this is in the career space. MAYBE I can get paid to be a PSS for Jannelle? It feels a little fishy, but let's see what comes up.
I have a home that is great, and am tracking toward maybe having a loan to buy something that I can live in and love and nourish and it can nourish me... in God's time.
And I'm getting these experiences with people... John's case, fascinating. Ryan's personality and that whole situation, fascinating. So much to learn.
But I need to be in a romantic relationship with ME. That's it. Keeping myself open to these hurts by someone who is tossed to and fro by his ... you know what it is? He's got a WIDE OPEN aura... torn open ... that's what my problem was too. It's from our childhood trauma... that's what the NAA or whoever did on purpose... blew us up... created so many holes in our lightbody so that tricksters or demons or whatever dark energy wants to, can come in and mess around with us or make us a dark portal to fuck with someone else. Remember when I could feel and experience being a dark portal to Tyrone... I could feel the demons giggling at the situation through me.
So THAT'S why we shield! That's why it is so important! To shore up my lightbody and aura and repair holes. Drugs can create more holes. Do they always? (I want to respond yes. But are marijuana and mushrooms DRUGS? Is sugar? Carbs? Where's the line? I heard mushrooms can HELP. I need more information on this.)
Anyway, that's why Ryan is so sensitive... he is wide open... and also maybe the Jeopardy knowledge channeling... it's so interesting. That definitely appears to be a channel but could be stored knowledge. So much to observe, practice, learn... thank you God!!
___
Great talk with Rosemary about energetic architecture, sugar addiction, Ai vs. organic technology. God, THANK YOU for my friend!!
NO to marijuana, maybe, leaning toward yes on mushrooms as supportive for my lightbody and healing.
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