Slow Sex

When will I learn? I am so slow. 

I tried to share with Ryan that I wanted us to practice "Slow Sex" which is something Le'Anna and I talked about yesterday and a podcast (Kim Amani) that I listened to today... and he lost his MIND. He was so mean and so weird... everything he was saying was about HIM... he said something like "you're so arrogant and contentious and ... "... I don't know but it was everything he was doing... he blew up and kicked me out again. I wanted to talk to him but I didn't buy in to his pain body trying to attack me. I just tried to be a witness to it. 

He was surprisingly loving and kind when I told him about my breakdown of eating all that crap and trying to kill myself with food, etc... and he said I was beautiful... and we had a lovely evening... he even came in to my apartment today and sat and talked with Paul for a few minutes while I packed. He had invited me to sleep over. 

(big sigh)

It's just so messed up... so bipolar...so Jekyl and Hyde. 
I need to let it go. 

He said I was trying to sabotage our time together.

He's so charismatic and handsome and lovely when he is.

He's a terror when he's not all the rest of that.

Tortured soul.

Part of me is just now - an hour or so later and after a bath and some work - thinking "I should go back over and get in bed with him"... but that is a part of me that apparently likes or wants to encourage drama. I am a responsible and neutral human... working on polarity integration and respecting and loving myself. I cannot encourage this ... he has to take ownership and feel into it and learn from it if he wants to. There is a reason he's been single most of his life (except for 2 relationships... one short one that was less than a year off and on and one for 2 years in his early 20s). 

Our souls love each other but our traumas and personality overlays have problems. Big ones. 

He is not reasonable. Sometimes he is, but mostly he's a live wire.

I'm so sick in my body from eating crap. I've got to NOT eat ANY processed sugar and very few carbs. Get back to ME. 

I need clarity and energy... these awful foods are stealing that. Meat only helped me to have that... so much energy and clarity and I felt great! Maybe I should do like Dee's PT and eat one red potato a day and maybe a little vegetable now and then, but I really felt so good on carnivore.

If Ryan wants to date me, he can woo me and be kind to me and we can take it slow. If not, we can be friends and if not, it's fine. I don't need this drama in my life. I need to get back to ME. SOLID. I am breaking down because I am not in alignment with myself because I'm giving myself away... how much of my time and energy am I just squandering on Ryan? And for what? For abuse and the hope that he'll give me a drop of love?

Don't fear losing love. Lose it. If you love something, let it go and if it returns to you then it's yours to keep forever. Or something like that. Tyrone used to say it. 

I also had to feel into the betrayal I feel by Corie. How she has chosen Paul over me and how they perpetuate that. They invited Paul to Kenneth's birthday party today. Not Ryan. Paul. Without telling me. He didn't come, and I mentioned it to him because he was going to be in Raleigh so I may have kind of invited him too... I also invited Ryan. Neither came. But Corie made a big to-do of me having to bring this big care-package of food home to Paul. They call him and talk to him and check on him. And I am actually 4/11:44 glad about it because I want him to be well and thrive, but it still stings me.

Paul asked what was going on tonight when I came home from Ryan's and I'm sure I blabbed too much. I don't know what I said. I'm in brain fog. I've got to go back to carnivore so I can get my brain back. But I wish I hadn't. Paul just stores it as ammo against me too. Ugh.