So much to learn

 I saw so many numbers in the last few days 1111 144 14.4 lots of 111 and 222s and 333's I think 1133 1144, 12:12 12:12 12:13 12:34 12:44, etc... LOTS.

Here's a note from last night (5/13)...

He doesn’t like me the way I am

He turns things around on me. Ie. I need to keep jerky in my purse so I don’t get hungry because I get crazy when I do. Hangry. But tonight I just got disconnected from my body. Anxiety yes. But I am on “cloud 9” maybe with a timeline shift and different work with or around Ryan. 

Ryan is me from 2016 when I got with Michael. Me with Tyrone. Poor Tyrone.

... just working through so much with Ryan.

We both are messes, but I feel like he's a more unpleasant mess, but maybe that's MY ego. He has a massive ego and uses it meanly. Reminds me of Davin and Corie when she flips. He is judgemental and self-centered. But aren't I? 

Yesterday... and lately... working on "how to be idle". How to just be present... satisfied with BEING with Ryan. I watched him make (a beautiful) raised/table garden bed for Deirdre. And last week a day was spent watching him fix my car. I just feel so useless. But he's happy to have his companion there keeping him company. So is that all about him, or is that how it's supposed to be? And how does compromise fit into it? We're supposed to go to the museum today... another run at it. We'll see.

I've had some inflammation, anxiety, fear... a bug or spider bite that scared me. I am not super grounded... bumped my head, hurt myself, got splinters, crashed a grocery cart into a door... just not fully present/grounded. 

We also made incredible, lovely love (that was a blow job) the other day....and Paul was right, it was a PLEASURE to swallow and made me feel more in love and more connected. I love Ryan's penis. And two nights ago we had sex that was really good... it gets better and better.

I think our relationship will get better and better with time and lots of conversations. How can we learn to love and care for one another. Do we need a coach? We had our first (fun and lovely) shower together yesterday... and we both had to have outside sources who taught us how to clean our bodies. So don't we need help learning how to be good partners?