When will I learn?

Whoa. I got my first "match" on Pattern and guess what? It's the SAME pattern/deal as Ryan. I'll see what happens if we get to talking, but the energy feels the same too. I don't want any more of that hard, entitled, egoic, YUCK energy. I need to be with ME... I am the only one who can love me sufficiently! DATE ME!!!

Forget boys!! 

This song, "I'm With You" by Matthew Mole is inspiring me too. I'M WITH YOU... ME and me... it's God and I... we're in it together and all is well! Peace and joy be with US. 

Tomorrow I'm excited about an HGS session with Terri. 

I'm definitely being called to an HGS union with myself... I don't want to think about it because it's sad and lonely...but it doesn't have to be. I surrender to what my SOUL wants to experience... and apparently, that is being single... I really am best when I am... most at peace. I just love to love. But I need to do that in God's time. I don't need to seek it out... but if I want to have fun and date and talk to others, that's okay too!

Yep, do Al-Anon and focus on ME. 

These songs..."you're beautiful" and "you're it" are talking to me. 

So anyway, love myself and forget boys. 

Song that just came on and it really seems like my lifesong for now = ENOUGH by Nahko

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Alanon - 

"trying to be my OWN light vs. trying to light everyone else up"

"Ready to unknow all these things so I can find the joy of discovery again. I'm ready to stop being a know-it-all."

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8:18 (I think I saw that type a few times... just saw it when I came in from saying goodbye to Ryan. OH. MAN. What a mess!

He was super mean to me when I came home from work - he was here fixing my light. He put 10 hours into putting those lights up on my barn. I am so happy though... I love them! Anyway, I went to the gym and Lowes and came home and he was done and going to leave and then I asked if he wanted his thumper and he did...and his shirt.. and as I was giving it to him I realized I wanted to thump my shoulder so pulled it out to do that quickly and then asked if he wanted me to thump him. He did and I did and while I was, he just melted (and drooled a little)... but by the end of it, he was himself again... I saw Ryan in his eyes and he looked at me and said "what do I do?". I said "forgive me." and I think he asked "how?" and I said he had to find that within. 

Then we hugged and eventually went and spent what must have been at least an hour... maybe two... on the hammock with the dogs and each other. We got friendly with each other and it felt nice. But there is definitely hesitation. For me I was worried he was thinking my breath stunk. Earlier he said I smelled... or was it my breath? Yesterday he did too... he always thinks I smell and that's not good... that's a turn off for him ...and me... make me self-conscious. Which is what his ego would like, I'm sure. 

Now I'm eating chocolate tahini and maple almond butter for dinner.

What a rollercoaster. I thought it was over. I was finally getting used to the idea of being single. Unless Ryan and I both are willing to look at our issues, this is going to happen over and over. I need to keep going to Alanon and keep "detaching with love". I started doing the Pattern Connect thing and the one person I got matched with has pretty much the same "pattern" as Ryan. I am not feeling him either... yet. But there are SO MANY nice men in the world... kind, compassionate, generous, loving men who would love me back and not trying to make me feel bad or use me. But it's all about the lessons my soul wants to learn. 

I think I should eat eggs for dinner. I need to eat something. Maybe some organ burger and eggs. It's so late. I need organs though. If they are thawed, I'll eat that. I'll be back...

Okay, I ate. And talked to Lukas a little. I told him I wasn't single but maybe we can be friends? We'll see. I bet he doesn't want to waste his time.... people who are people shopping might be like that. We'll see. I was wondering if he would be a kind version of Ryan? I shouldn't eat that chocolate... it makes me a little dizzy. I need to hang up the coffee too, probably.

I'd be scared if Ryan asks if I talked to his parents and/or if I used a dating app...but I can't lie. I have to tell the truth. And the truth will set me free. And I need to detach with love and live according to my heart... and my heart needed friends and advice and I didn't bad talk him... we all see the truth, he doesn't. He's sick. And I should probably just let him go... but something in me wants to keep going. We'll see. God's will be done. 

____

I just need to give Ryan the lead. Give him the opportunity to be the man he IS. Don't second guess him. Go with him. And give him space. And I need to be vigilant about honesty and unapologetically saying what I mean and owning what I do. I have to nip "people pleasing" in the butt. Be me and that's it.

DICHOTOMY - Nahko

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10:51

I need to stop doing things that are bad for me. 
Ryan makes me feel bad about myself... I hang on for these beautiful moments, but they are fleeting. When will I choose to put myself first?? He hurts me. He is not good for me. 

Chocolate Tahini hurts me... the chocolate makes my face have red splotches. Or the almond butter? Either way, I shouldn't eat them.

I need to take care of myself... I'm the responsible party... the one who is responsible for caring for ME. Stop trying to get my needs met elsewhere. Get them met inside of my own heart ... take care of myself.

If I want to be with Ryan for my own satisfaction, not because I'm giving myself away... but because it adds to my experience, then more power to me! This is my life! (I am in a state of confusion right now - some dizziness too - very strange.) 

I think I'll go lay down. 

Ah yes... I am a multidimensional being with indigo consciousness and this makes me different... possibly not a good match for Ryan since it is outside of his comfort zone. I could use him for his body, or play hero/savior to try to activate him into his "heroic purpose"/"ascension lifetime", but that's not for me... I need to be true to myself. 

THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE.
I AM.

Here is important information.
https://vibrationsofthesoul.com/how-are-you-feeling/
I need to shake the cobwebs off and get back to my Godself and healing and alignment. Thank you God for this. God bless Terri... please bless and prepare her for our session tomorrow. Protect her (and me and all our loved ones)... thank you Guardians. May God be magnified.