I know

I know he's not the guy for me. 

He doesn't want to be. He could have been, but he didn't choose me. I don't think he can now. He's got to choose himself first... to heal... and he's going down that path...looking at his own health... and bless him. God bless him and help him. Send angels and support. May he reclaim himself... I love Ryan. I do. But I want a life filled with love and kindness and joy and gratitude and he's not there. He doesn't want that... he does want that... but he's not choosing evolution into that... or it's slowgoing. He has a lot of miasma... a lot of baggage and I did too. I DO too. But I have been doing lots of work and have more to do. I need a partner that values consciousness more ... and I'm not trying to be judgemental or put Ryan down. He's so very smart and he has so very much potential, but he's got a rotten ego that has him enslaved in his delusion that he doesn't need to address his traumas and wounding. And maybe he doesn't. Maybe that's not his journey. But he's always looking out at me and others and pointing the finger and judging them and putting them down so he doesn't have to look at himself. 

And I have been looking out and trying to earn this man's affection and attention instead of giving myself the affection and attention I desire. I'm the one for me.

Ryan's not. 

Believe that please.

Stop banging your head against the wall. 

You may have a boyfriend or a partner ... you have to give God this little teddy bear, sweet girl. I see you plotting and planning to just walk over and talk to him... you crave his attention like a drug. And when you give in to this craving where you may get this tiny hit of something... probably not even any kindness or good feeling... but maybe just a little connection.. and you trade that instead of earning your big teddy bear! How can I convince you? It's giving in to the addiction... feeding the bad wolf.... instead you can stay here and be loved by YOU/ME and read and breathe and feel and experience TRUE LOVE.

Let Ryan BE.

(Do me. Let Ryan BE.)

He doesn't want you. I'm sorry. But he doesn't. 

And you don't want him. He's a loser. Unkind. Doesn't have anything to offer. YES, I see that he CAN BE kind... and he is sometimes...but most of the time he chooses to throw arrows. He gives breadcrumbs to keep you hooked.. but Love, this isn't the Way. 

You DON'T know what could happen in the future... you're right... but holding out for it is still you holding on to the tiny teddy bear. 

I love you sweet girl. Breathe. Feel. Read. Stretch. Love. Sleep. Snuggle those sweet doggies of yours. 

ps. Corie is such a good friend to me.

AG pick: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Bone_Matrix_Net

172.9

My weight tonight... 172.9 Heading up. I don't like it. I don't feel good. I'm a slave to sugar and crap again. How will I take myself back? With consciousness. There's no need to be ashamed or try to change myself because I enjoy "exploring consciousness". Some people like to do that. It doesn't work for Ryan and we're just different. God bless him. But I am finally remembering that I need to BE ME and DO ME and that's that. This whole thing.... this whole life... is between ME and me. And these other players are gifts and opportunities...but abandoning myself in order to give myself away, especially to someone who doesn't want me... EL STUPIDO!!! 

I think I'm genuinely done with the Ryan charade. It's been fun, and I've learned a lot and I'm hopeful to pop out the other side here as friends. But we're in different places. "The Essence of the Upanishads" is helping me mightily...reminding me of who and where I was when I was like Ryan... he's in constant sympathetic dominance, lying to himself, blaming others, and looking at people (like me) as "idiots" and "psychos" because we think there's more to life. Now, the kicker is that he has mentioned that he thinks that too, and he does on some levels, but again, he doesn't have the awareness to recognize it. Is this the difference between being mutidimensional and say 2D? Anyway... I'm tired of being harrassed... but I DO appreciate his friendship and the opportunity to practice forgiveness, patience, seeing my mess, etc. But DISCOUNTING MYSELF in order to build him up. Trading me in... no. No more. I'm done with that.

But still trying to be kind and supportive... and I still don't want to upset him... I'm a dang people pleaser...that's me. But him scolding me for being "jittery" because I was anxious about him being ill (sunstroke), I don't know how to handle that. I don't know how to stop caring. Angh. It will all work out.

Anyway, work is going well. I'm enjoying reading, walking early in the morning, sleeping earlier, and spending more time with myself. Embracing my singleness (although it's still unclear whether Ryan thinks we're single. We talked about it the other day and he seemed to accept it but then he kissed me goodbye and it's been a little weird... or maybe the same...which is always weird. Not warm. Not the real deal. But not sure if he thinks we're together or not. I don't mind being together with our not-really-together-but-bff-vibe... or if we're single. I don't want to lose him altogether, but that may be necessary in order for me to be getting ready for whatever or whoever is next. I have some healing to do too. This was a very emotionally and mentally damaging relationship...but I allowed it... I knew what I was getting into. Trading myself for breadcrumbs of affection. I knew it on many levels. And I wanted to feel and explore it and challenged myself to learn to get out of it... to choose myself. But I didn't do a great job... God had to help a lot to get me to let go even to the (not all the way let go) state I'm in now. But we're getting there. Baby steps. 

I think I definitely have some nephilim/reptillian/jacked up consciousness in me. But a part of me is super consciously trying to rehabilitate it. To observe and do re-con... 

I need to maybe try eating sardines. My brain is NOT working well these days. I am having such trouble remembering words!!

I need to stop the decaf coffee too. Poison.

Kelly Brogan's Reclaimed Woman came out ... maybe even today... and I read the first couple pages before Moses reminded me to do a Cards to Cash thing for Michael... and it is SO GOOD!!! I want to go read now for a few minutes before bed. It's getting late already! 9:36. Time to hang up the journal. Its nice to talk to myself though... so nice. I love you. I'm learning to anyway. MUAH!

Conspiracy

 Ryan insulted me and ran out of here today... I don't have the time or energy to go into it again (I journaled on my Apple Journal App), but it seems to me like he is (a.) being run by an entity or pain body, and trying to feed (loosh) on me. He even brought up that word, loosh, today. Weird. It just hit me. Anyway... he could also be (b.) trying to see me as an enemy to justify why he isn't interested in me... to himself. Subconsciously even. But he created drama, called me names, and stormed out. I am going to send this now:

I hate that my audio message was deleted. I want you to have, in black and white, how much I appreciate you. Thank you for taking the garbage yesterday, and throwing it in the compactor. I am grateful for your muscles and strength. Thank you for looking at my dishwasher the other day to make sure there wasn’t damage. Thank you for taking time out of your day to come see me and eat with me. Thank you for inviting me along to witness your new tool purchases - I love seeing you like a kid in a candy store in that tool aisle! 

As far as today... I’m going to say this as concisely as possible….

I am not a “conspiracy theorist”. 

I am not “woke" or "mainstream”. 

I AM, however, very interested in watching all the “programming” play out. This is part of my soul's interest in human behavior. 

It’s true that I went through a period of identifying as a “conspiracy theorist” and at that time, I did not watch (or trust) “news” (or “fake news). I did, however, follow threads of communication … articles, videos, websites, books, social media… that led me to believe things aligned with that particular flavor of consciousness. Now I see that these “alternative sources” were also programming streams… (potentially involved in massive “psyops”?? Qanon???)…  and I’m still enjoying watching the many “programs” or “flavors of consciousness” play out through the people surrounding me. (Though in the last year or so I’ve been more interested in hanging and playing and nuzzling with a certain fella across the street.:))

Let me say it this way… much like I enjoy going to a museum and perusing and touching and interacting with the different exhibits, I have enjoyed observing and sometimes interacting (sometimes too much) with different ideologies, religions, and viewpoints.

(As I’ve shared before) I was super duper burned by the church. At least that was the catalyst for my awakening to the potential that the “authorities” weren’t always right/honest/truthful. The “inherent Word of God” (and subsequent dogma) was a farce that men (who had the audacity to proclaim themselves as the authority sent by God) used to control those who bought in…and when that house of cards fell, my trust in any “authority” (or “program”) was shaken to the core.

Since then, I hold proclamations of the way, truth, and life at arms length ...and while I enjoy looking at them, I don’t intentionally “buy in”. (I feel like I have blind spots here where I have inadvertently bought in to some things that don’t belong to me… and I need to just keep cleaning house. Open and friendly conversation with people who have my best interest at heart and a safe space to honestly plumb the depths of my own consciousness is how I can keep addressing infidel ideologies that have taken up residence.)

In the case of misinformation about “Covid-19 not being isolated”… that was what I was tuned into during that time (2020). I haven’t watched the mainstream TV or news for a long time (ever much!) and I am naturally skeptical, so at the time, that resonated and fit the narrative that my soul wanted to explore (that the government can’t be trusted and I need to expose them). That’s no longer my interest. (Now I work for the government!)

Anyway, this is my path and my journey as I continue to meander through life. I know you have your own path and it wouldn’t occur to me to fault you for your views (10 years ago, 3 years ago, or today). I accept who you are, where you’ve been, and am excited to see where you’re going. I have so much respect for how you’ve courageously continued to overcome adversity and you are creating a beautiful life for yourself. 

Part of what makes me ME is my interest in human consciousness as well as the traps and programs that affect it. I would love to have the safety to unabashedly share my findings, musings, and thoughts with you. It’s what I like to do for fun. In the beginning we had such great talks! I’ve always been me and it’s curious to me how you can judge me today for something that I entertained years ago. I popped through that mindset or consciousness trap or belief system and am where I am today. (Always striving to be more kind, loving, humble, generous, and better in every way.) 

Again, I feel unfairly judged and mocked for viewpoints that are not my own. It’s clear that I have some facts wrong which I picked up from the programming I was sitting under at the time that they got stuck in my craw, but I’m teachable and always willing to pivot. I’m guessing all humans have to deal with this… inadvertently taking incorrect information as truth… especially if they unquestioningly believe what someone else - the news, the government, the church, their mother - tells them. I dare say that even you may have an incorrect idea or two that is just there because you got incorrect information. Maybe not. Maybe you’re perfect. (But I doubt it. :)) FRIENDS talk to each other and share their perceptions and discuss them. In my opinion, that’s a fun part of human interaction. 

I am sorry that I have believed incorrect information. I am sorry if it hurts you or embarrassed you. I am sorry that it causes a divide. 

I wish you a nice night’s rest and a great day of work tomorrow. Peace be with you Ryan. I love you. 

The List

 .... still a work in progress... a conglomeration of many iterations of thoughts about this over the past week and a half.

_____

Bottom line

I want someone who wants to do life with me- sunup to sundown… who wants to want to do that. If it takes a while to get there, no problem. But I think I we were moving in that direction and he decided I wasn’t the one for him.

He wants someone thin. I have always struggled with my weight.
He thinks I’m crazy… a conspiracy theorist… (I used to be, but now I don’t care enough)… a

I want someone who will spend time with my family too. I love my family and like to have friends and want us all to spend time together - happily. (Note, I spend lots of time with his family.)

I want someone to who wants to be a family with me and my fur babies. I love Ryan’s cats and want us all to be together. 

I want to be a woman - practice feminine qualities of receiving and being delighted by a man’s masculine traits. I have made it really easy for him to stop holding the door for me, etc. He started groaning about it. (Probably when he stopped trying to woo me.)

I want someone I can talk to - anytime. Even if I’m babbly and wanting to explore layers of my thoughts/concepts. I want someone who cares about what I think as well. (Because I try to foster his meandering thoughts… his consciousness explorations.) I am trying to be more heart centered and God is scrambling my brain a little these days - but it helps me learn to not be so mind-focused. Anyway, I like to ponder. I want a friend to ponder with.

To ponder, play, work, shop, rest, and generally just do life with.

Ryan is not the guy.
Time to move on.

Looking for someone kind, flexible, motivated, grateful, and I especially love a handy man! 

First attempt at the list:

Things I like: I feel really good - content, right where I want to be, when I'm with Ryan. No matter what we are doing. I like how handy he is - skilled at carpentry and mechanics. I like pondering the mysteries of the universe and human behavior with Ryan. I like his name. I like his butt. I like his feel - his height, strength, eyes, whole being.... 

I love how smart he is.

I like his potential.

Things I don't like:
Complains about almost everything I do. I do it wrong or bad. Critical about almost everything I cook, when I try so hard to please him. It feels bad.

I don't like when he swears - especially at me... when he calls me names and insults me. I don't like his smoking but I've had a life-long journey to being okay with it... that's his situation and not mine. I can get away from it if I choose, most of the time, if I wanted to. That's my responsibility. 

I trust the universe to continue to steer Ryan's choices and path - I'm hoping that one day we will be able to have a home together. Especially for him to build us a home (be the GC). In the meantime, I don't like that our whole family can't be together... cats in one place, dogs in the other. I wish we could all be together. 

We both have pride/ego problems (presumably from trauma/wounding) and I'm grateful for the opportunity to work on this with Ryan. Desire for unity with him is powerful inspiration to see and heal. I don't want to harm him, and all my shenanigans (including both polarities of narcissistic behavior and codependant behavior) lead to the loss of truth and vulnerability (stealing security, peace, and joy). 

Ryan makes fun of everything I do... ridicules me and my friends and what I do, think, and even what I read. 

I always think that Ryan likes "the idea of me"... and not necessarily ME. (Not ME at all. He wants to change the way I look, act, think, smell, etc.) But I ALSO like the idea of Ryan. The man I perceive he is under all the rudeness, etc. Sometimes I see glimpses, so I hold on to that. But the actual Ryan... the one who insults me every chance he gets... the one who withholds his love... the one who ridicules me and doesn't want to choose me every minute... the way I want to choose him and be with him ... the one who has a different desire for his life.... I want someone who wants to be with me. I like the chase... I like learning... but sometimes I just want to be. I want to just BE together. I want to be cozy in a home together. I want someone who wants to travel with me - to go on family vacations together. To go to the woods every weekend. Or maybe that's just for me. I'M the one I want. I want to go to the woods... so go. But I want to go with a man.. MY man... protector. 

I love Jekyll… fun, interesting, enjoyable to be around
Hyde is mean, looks at me as though I’m an enemy - always looking to attack me and put me down.

I want someone who likes to just snuggle together

Someone who wants to do life TOGETHER. Eat, rest, play, be separate, talk, work through things, explore

A leader, a man, a man who wants to practice being a man and allowing me to practice being a woman

I need to learn boundaries and how to receive better

I don’t like that Ryan doesn’t want to be around my family. (I am around his all the time.)

I don’t like that Ryan doesn’t want to sleep or rest together

We are friends. Just good friends. 

But he also doesn’t want me to date anyone else.
He wants his cake and to eat it too.

He likes my attention, he likes the idea of me, he likes what I can give him (affection, pleasure, companionship).

But not enough to commit. To be willing to WORK, to make changes … but why am I trying to change him? I want him to want me. But if he doesn’t naturally… but there are mixed messages…. He sometimes wants me … likes to share things with me… but then it’s too much for him.

If he chooses to heal himself, he’ll be wonderful. If he doesn’t, he’ll be bipolar, divided, constantly blaming the other, narcissistic (I hate that word), and just have his experience.

I don’t need to choose that for myself too. I can choose another road. Love me, have fun, and maybe a partner that will not harm me will come along. 

Ryan harms me regularly.
Hurt people hurt people.

I’ve enjoyed the lessons. I like learning. But I want to experience a mutually loving union. I can’t force it with Ryan. 

I like:
His potential.
Being with him.

I don’t like:
How he puts me down every chance he can get. Everything I do is wrong and bad in some way. He will twist it so he is a victim of whatever I’ve done too. He doesn’t dwell on the victimhood, just the perception to make me bad and wrong.

I want to be with someone who WANTS to be with me. Not someone I have to convince to like me. 

I am holding on until Saturday because it’s a few more days and I am interested in his list.

But I know. I feel it. We can be friends, but he’s not the guy for me. I’M the GIRL for ME and want to focus on that while having fun and meeting other people. Not sure where it will go. I may be spoiled already, enjoying my own home and life… it would be hard to compromise that… unless there is someone who it feels right to explore what a merged life might look like… but… it’s not the time. I don’t want that now. I need to lick my wounds and focus on self-care, loving myself. And part of that is going out and having fun and getting fit and playing with my dogs, horse, chickens, home, family, and friends. 

I have been neglecting myself and my loved ones … my pookets… and that makes me a pretty bad girl.

So I like:

Friendship - when he’s lighthearted and we have fun together… when we play (jeopardy, games, sports, etc.) when we talk (deep thoughts), when we snuggle or rub each other (which is usually my invitation… this is very masculine… I’m showing him my interest and he likes it… but he is the man and should be initiating but he’s not attracted to me.)

I think he’s both vain and also insecure. He thinks he’s so handsome… but he doesn’t see his flaws… and I started to write them out but I don’t want to see them either. 

I don’t like how he hurts me. 

____

Note, the different personalities I am working with.... the IFS... they frame things differently. Some of them are victims and want to see themselves as that. Some are overcomers. Some have lingering trauma. Some have done a lot of healing. I think that is a neat way to frame my experience. And with all the iterations of this list... I see how I keep looking at Ryan's and my relationship from different lenses.

Maybe it was just one of my personalities going through a dark night of the soul in Tennessee. Other ones are still delusional. Ha!

I want to integrate all the pieces of me. See and love them all to wholeness.

God bless you sweet and brave and smart soul. I'm grateful that you see me. 

___

Quote of the day: 

"You can't be suspicious of a tree, or accuse a bird or a squirrel of subversion, or challenge the ideology of a violet." ~Hal Borland 

AG pick: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Yod_of_Father_God 

"As the Law of Structure re-organizes the cosmological planes into higher harmony and balance as consciousness increases, the Yod is formed in the creator's blueprint during the expansion into higher consciousness to shower loving compassion upon those who have open hearts that may receive it."
"When we call upon Father’s Yod, we are calling for the Law of Compassion, we are asking for the compassionate action of God’s finger to be with our inner masculine principle to guide us through our challenging life circumstances, in Divine Right Order. Yod is synonymous with the Virtues of Humility and compassionate action of the Universal Father principle being taught to us in example. To know the Holy Father, we must develop our inner spirit to become more like him. "

I don't need to be so in my head about all of what's going on... this intel is fascinating, and maybe some level of me needs it, but it's the WORKING OUT of the project... the opening of the heart, the gratitude and forgiveness in action that moves mountains.

The narrative of how the woman saves the man may be harming me... how we hold space for the man to reclaim his parts... it makes us in to martyrs and it may alchemize victim consciousness into purpose, but it also traps us ... perhaps giving us false hope... and makes us controlling and leading the charge... almost emasculating the man... seeing ourselves as better and stronger and wiser and the saviors. Yes, that's it... perpetuating "hero-savior" games. 

There's a balance... of learning to allow people to be messy, loving them through it... and also protecting our own heart and life. I am learning so much with Ryan, and maybe the heartbreak is good for me in some ways... but break up the fallow ground... but it's not getting me closer to an experience of being in a mutal relationship. I had that with Paul and Michael and Tyrone and Joe... we had all committed to being there. And maybe Ryan has too... but he's definitely sitting on the fence. I was listening to the "fence sitter" portion of Laura Doyle's "Empowered Wife" this morning. And it feels bad for the other party... in her case, she was talking about a husband with a fence sitting wife... but I've got a fence sitting boyfriend. If he was "all in", then we'd have something to work with and toward.

But there's a reason he's not all in. God has a reason. God has a bigger teddy bear for me. So give up this tiny one. God's made it very easy because Ryan doesn't care.

I'm so grateful for you/ME, Carissa. Ryan says I don't do any work on myself... and maybe the needle hasn't moved much...but it has moved. I don't know if it's in the right direction... maybe not... but I definitely talk to myself a lot, and think about a lot. And I've been trying really hard to be humble, grateful, vulnerable, honest, and allow Ryan to be Ryan. 

This shouldn't be so hard. It's not. I'm just fighting myself. 
Ryan can be my friend and I can date (myself and other men). And that's that. He can keep my car ... he'll get a truck in no time. And he can date. He was so happy when some women hit on him yesterday. I hope he finds someone who is a good match for him. Probably another smoker... skinny, lives on diet cokes... maybe does drugs... probably likes porn and just happy to be with him... and he'll be happy too... throwing her around to have an al and no expectations... maybe someone like JoAnn (Robert's wife)... someone not too smart...who doesn't challenge him....not that I do anymore. My brain is getting mushy. But we've been together for 474 days and he still only has one chair in his house... never a loveseat. I brought a tiny chair over that I sit in to eat. And this week he got a second TV table. But it's not what I want. It's gross. And he's threatened when I try to set the table at my house and make it nice. We're just not on the same page. And he's got deep seated poverty consciousness. I don't want that. Yeah, I'm ready for a good life. I want a life of ease and joy. And lots and lots of love.

I need to learn to receive. Men are made to give. Women are made to receive. I need to address my masculine tendencies and pride and learn to be vulnerable. (As well as patient.) <-- and when I say that, I think, "if only I could love Ryan better... be more patient, then he'll step into his magnificence and be all I need him to be... compassionate, a provider, etc.."... but that just keeps me trapped.

I'm trapped.
In my own mind.

The truth is that I think he's selfish. Even with his cats who he loves the most in the world, sometimes he gets irritated with them and he doesn't always keep their food area the cleanest. He doesn't have to do a ton for them - feed them and change their litter box - and he likes it. But it's not always the best. And that leads me to look at myself... my Moses wants a walk a day.... he gets one usually... but yesterday he wanted Michael to take him (he did) AND me to take him. Anyway... I don't give my dogs as much time as they need. Or my horse. I don't brush her hardly at all anymore. Anyway, I can't point fingers because I'm neglecting my best friends too. We're just broken people. And we don't have enough time or the right set up. If we lived together and I worked part time, then I'd have more time to care for animals while he worked, and we'd snuggle at night and I'd feel loved. It's just not right. I'm supposed to be in my father's house until my man comes for me and takes me to his house where I become his. And I"m supposed to be an asset and not a liability to him. But because of feminism, etc, we think we are entitled to whatever we want and a power struggle ensues. 

I like to write. 
I like to think. 
I need to learn to feel and then follow my heart. I think and ponder and toss this stuff around all day, but I live in cognitive dissonance and don't do what I know I should. (Value myself, don't let people disrespect me, respect others, love and care for them, have boundaries, etc.)

I need to work. Thanks for talking.

Nephilim

My AG pick:

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Nephilim

and some advice I was drawn to:

https://esfoundations.com/awake/healthy-boundaries/168-healthy-boundaries

"The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask". ~Jim Morrison

Suggested For Today
Timeline Override Sequence (TOS)
The quick process of the Timeline Override Sequence (TOS) for the Starseed or Energy Session is:

• Observe the Experience.

• Hold Neutral as the Compassionate Witness of God.

• Synthesize the Opposing Polarities by Loving them Equally

.• Internally Unify inside your Body through Applied Acceptance and Forgiveness.

• If Asked, Release the Mental Bondage Memory (Soul Retrieval,  RRO  )

• Cellular Embodiment of the Unified Experience takes place.

• In Gratitude, Peace and Balance is Restored.

I do feel that I have Nephilim genetics. Do all humans? I feel the Oraphim side of me... is this the "empath" part and the "fallen angel" side of me (is this the narcissist?)? I have this battle going on always. (Is this the "indigo contract"?) Can we shut down this consciousness? I think I have... distracted it... focusing on Ryan instead. Am I still working with my own consciousness on some levels? Of course. I'm in this body and having this experience... I just steer it based on the actions I take. Which timeline do I want to be conscious of? Do I want the highest timeline possible? I do. But enough to give up the tiny teddy bear? Enough to give up the tickle to the flesh? The sugar? The drama? The fear? 

I am calling you out, Wages! Do you want all of me or not? You can feel me now. You feel my call and my heart. I AM HERE. YOU ARE too. WE ARE. Right? 

Anyway... Ryan, as it is, isn't satisfying you. You want more. And that's okay. So take what you want and leave the rest. Focus on yourself. See where it goes. Learn discipline. Take care of your body. Parent and husband yourself. We're right here with you. All of us. Yes, puppies and trees and horse too. Your pegasus may be getting tired. God, what can I do? Walk her. Give her more joy. Give yourself more joy... and movement. Feel all the vibrations that want to come through your fascia. Be with yourself. Find your deep riches within. This is what you came for. 

Yes, learn how to have a relationsip, how to respect, how to practice and honor boundaries. The work I'm doing with Ryan is important too. It is, Love. And the desire to throw in the towel or look for attention and affection to meet your needs from someone else is a trap. You are looking for yourself... only what YOU can give you. Ryan CAN'T give it to you and neither can anyone else. You can try to find it in someone else... you can distract and push off the lesson by playing the game.... but it's ultimately empty. It's "love addiction". And not really love. 

You are who you came for, indeed.

So what makes me happy? What do I want?

I like to move - ecstatic dance. yoqi. stretch. breathe. walk (especially in nature). spend time with my dogs, rocks, trees, chickens and love on Sioux... help her find her peace and gentleness. These are my responsibilities. I love Ryan's cats and I will miss them and my desire is that he and his cats move over so we can spend more time together, but I need to prioritize my family. Stop giving myself and those I am stewarding away. Putting them second. People pleasing them to the back of the line.

Put us first. 

Do I want this job? I want to work from home more. I want to help Ryan with his business and be home and care for our family. Is Ryan my guy? My family? Only time will tell. And I need to honor myself. 

I need to work on that list. Let me get that and email it to myself. For our couples appointment on Saturday. I really like "Empowered Wife" book by Laura Doyle.
Ryan makes fun of everything I do... ridicules me and my friends and what I do, think, and even what I read. 

Grateful for going to the movies on Friday with Page and Corie (to see "IF"). 
Grateful for Ryan's help and getting the back wood chip pile spread out for my Angel Oak and pear trees on Saturday.
Grateful for cleaning and Malai and a nice morning on Sunday and spending a couple hours with O'Malley's finishing their chicken house and getting to go to Father's Day sushi feast at Jay's 108 with O'Malley's last night. And Walmart and just hanging with Ryan. 
Grateful for 2 coffee enemas this weekend. And for period starting this morning. And for talks with friends - so many wonderful friends. Le'Anna, Misha, Rosemary, Bean, and more. Michael.

Overeating ... and beginning of the end... get back to keto. I feel so much better on keto. 
Berberine? I started it. My brain isn't working great already though. God, help me. Just eat meat, love. An vegetables. And if you crave sweets, have a shake! Those can be your treats!! Great idea!!

Such a beautiful and resonant prayer by a recently departed ES member:https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Forgiveness_Prayer 

I always think that Ryan likes "the idea of me"... and not necessarily ME. (Not ME at all. He wants to change the way I look, act, think, smell, etc.) But I ALSO like the idea of Ryan. The man I percieve he is under all the rudeness, etc. Sometimes I see glimpses, so I hold on to that. But the actual Ryan... the one who insults me every chance he gets... the one who withholds his love... the one who ridicules me and doesn't want to choose me every minute... the way I want to choose him and be with him ... the one who has a different desire for his life.... I want someone who wants to be with me. I like the chase... I like learning... but sometimes I just want to be. I want to just BE together. I want to be cozy in a home together. I want someone who wants to travel with me - to go on family vacations together. To go to the woods every weekend. Or maybe that's just for me. I'M the one I want. I want to go to the woods... so go. But I want to go with a man.. MY man... protector. 

Yeah. He's probably just not the guy. He seems on some levels to like a lot of that... when we travel, he likes it, but he's conflicted. He's just not there yet with himself. He's awakening in his consciousness, but I'm going to sleep to join him and it's not good...that's the wrong direction, Rayah. Come back to ME. WE ARE. And just JOY in your life. Be with friends, do things that make you happy. Sure, hang out with Ramsey and Jannelle and Le'Anna. Let Ryan ridicule everyone. Is he happy? He's not. Yet. But you can be and you don't need to follow suit in his judgements... all is well, Love. 

Most importantly, YOU have to love you! YOU have to be attracted to you! Focus on that! I love you, beloved Carissa. My sweet Cristy. I LOVE YOU!!!

Is it true?

Is it true that God is taking my knowledge from me... all the things I used to "know" because I am being trained to be in my heart, and not my mind? To be seen as loving and kind instead of smart? Why do I want to be "seen"? Why is that my lens?

Look at the gift my home is!

Look at my beautiful world!

Am I squandering my time here, God?

Read a bit about Parts Work... Internal Family System (IFS) today. Resonates. Wonder if the "dissociative identity disorder" was a layer.... multiple personalities.... and ES's "becoming single soul occupied"?

Do each of my parts have their own experience and trauma/wounding and experience and expression they want to work with on earth?

Who am I? I AM. See? 

I love. You!!

ESF AG Pick: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Clearing_Blood_Covenants

Suggested For Today

Focus on Core or Centering

Focus on Strengthening Core or Centering

Building the strength of the spiritual house (Body temple) by strengthening the inner core is mandatory to embody your spiritual light and amplify its intelligences.

I think I've gotten a little lost.

Come back to me.

Meditation. Rest. Self-Care. Follow your heart.

Did I go into the pit again? Under the guise of trying to "rescue" or connect with or find my beloved? To earn or gain love? To be a hero and martyr? Yes, that one. Enough. Focus on you. DO YOU. 

You have time now.

Meditate. Pray. Dance. Play. Exercise. Nature. Walk. Love. Explore. Rest. And do your real estate school and see where it goes - no harm no foul. Find your joy. Your inner peace. Your truth and love. You don't need anyone to tell you what it is or approve of you. If someone doesn't like you, let them walk away. Stop holding Ryan so tightly. Hold yourself tightly, Beloved. 

To do - and first attempt at list

I need to:

cut back on decaf coffee... maybe make that only a Sunday crossword thing? I heard someone say they were thinking of making it illegal... and I remember someone saying it was made using embalming fluid or something. So why am I drinking it?

I think God wants me to do a coffee enema too. That coffee enema bag has fallen out of the freezer a bunch of times lately and this morning I got the message. So maybe tonight.

I'm dizzy and had some chest and left arm discomfort last night but I am a few days from my period so anxiety is super high too. I had a perfect day yesterday and that came on around sun-down. I think it's a shift.. energetic, physical body, etc. I was with the O'Malleys eating pizza and watching the Celtics. 

Things with Ryan have been great the last couple days. Therapy was really helpful - left us feeling good. I need to do my homework... writing a list of things I like and don't like about Ryan or our relationship. I hope I can maintain clarity, knowing that I want to focus on seeing him as the leader, not trying to control or really do anything to change his experience (offering to clean, cook, visit, etc. Don't ask anything of him or give him any advice. Trust his choices and let him be him and see if it works out to play together ...but be okay when it doesn't.) Listening to Laura Doyle is helpful. 

Anyway, I need to cut out decaf. I'm thinking of going to 2 HLTH code shakes a day with one regular meal. I'd like to have an 8 hour eating window. I'd like to get up early and take in early sun, do some breathing and then exercise exercise and meditate and walk the dogs. I'd like to read more. And in general need to tuck into my home and heart more. I have given myself away to Ryan...which I love too. I wish we could do it all together... I wish we could live together... but God's will be done. And Ryan's. 

First attempt at the list:

Things I like: I feel really good - content, right where I want to be, when I'm with Ryan. No matter what we are doing. I like how handy he is - skilled at carpentry and mechanics. I like pondering the mysteries of the universe and human behavior with Ryan. I like his name. I like his butt. I like his feel - his height, strength, eyes, whole being.... 

I love how smart he is.

Things I don't like:

I don't like when he swears - especially at me... when he calls me names and insults me. I don't like his smoking but I've had a life-long journey to being okay with it... that's his situation and not mine. I can get away from it if I choose, most of the time, if I wanted to. That's my responsibility. 
I trust the universe to continue to steer Ryan's choices and path - I'm hoping that one day we will be able to have a home together. Especially for him to build us a home (be the GC). In the meantime, I don't like that our whole family can't be together... cats in one place, dogs in the other. I wish we could all be together. 

We both have pride/ego problems (presumably from trauma/wounding) and I'm grateful for the opportunity to work on this with Ryan. Desire for unity with him is powerful inspiration to see and heal. I don't want to harm him, and all my shenanigans (including both polarities of narcissistic behavior and codependant behavior) lead to the loss of truth and vulnerability (stealing security, peace, and joy). 

Working it out

...maybe all the way out of the relationship. 

I broke up with Ryan yesterday (after he broke up with me pretty much - saying he's not doing this anymore). Obviously he's not happy. See that. Stop trying to force it. A part of him likes me but a part of him doesn't. He said today that he hates the way I think or my brain works. He was angry when I was sharing about common law. I showed him my new drivers license which still had the "under duress" on it and it triggers him. He is "triggered" by "conspiracy theorists". We had a whole talk about it earlier. It was a great chat, I loved it! But he gets really upset and swears about Michael and thinks he's an idiot. He called me names too - psycho always comes up. And I also think Michael is delusional, but he's got a kind heart and hope for the future. Yesterday I experienced more of the yucky energy where he thinks he knows and that we're stupid for not listening to the information he shares... but I just can't... it's been wrong for so many years. I appreciate his perseverance... but it's not for me. Anyway, Ryan and I talked honestly this morning and shared about our differing perspectives... about how he sees that I want a family and how relationships are important to me, but that's just not how he's built. He shared about his poverty consciousness (he didn't use those terms, but talked about how he sees "rich people" vs how he grew up and that people like my parents make him uncomfortable). I said I wouldn't do well if he didn't go on another family vacation and I think that's when he was talking about how uncomfortable it would make him, etc. And later today I asked if he thought I should get a roommate, and he said he wouldn't blame me because he knows he isn't stepping up (and implied he didn't plan on it). He said his house had all these problems and he'd have to take heroic measures to fix it up OR he could build another house... and I said he could move here and he didn't agree... I don't remember exactly what he said, but it wasn't affirmative or hopeful. 

So then when he got mad about common law, he broke up with me again - saying this is why it can never work between us, or something, and then launched into a tirade about how fucked up my brain is, etc. 

Anyway, I think that I'm mourning it.. this sadness and dark night of the soul is releasing the density and getting me ready for my next chapter of honoring myself and growing and healing and prepare me for the joyful experience of waiting on and preparing for my true love and partner of my heart. A man who will see me and love me and that I can see and love....that we can mutually edify, grow, work, play, explore together. I will need to let Ryan go and Paul go and all my past go and mostly my own shame and wounding and traumas and restore myself in the Light. 

I will practice self-care. Baths. Reading. Walks with my doggies. Dates with myself. Time with my family and friends. Ecstatic dance. Exercise - HIIT workouts each day. Healthy choices. Caring for the land and creatures I steward. Aligning myself with Source. Living with gratitude! 

Ryan has been a good project... I learned lots. Loved him the best I could. But ultimately, he hasn't liked me for me ever. In the beginning (and still now), he liked the idea of me. But I don't live up. There are ways that I need to improve... not jumping on him when I first see him with my thoughts and life...letting him calibrate and share his first. But he's not a family man. He lives in so much negativity. He's closed minded and judgemental and angry and prideful. 

I've been forcing it, hoping and praying and trying to be patient while he chooses life....a better life. Healthier choices, quitting smoking, getting up earlier, etc... and he's headed in that direction. But he has a long way to go and I don't think I'm the right... he stated just a half hour ago or so...that I don't go with him... I'm not a good match for him... he didn't say those words... but it was that energy... that we think too differently. And that's true. He makes fun of me because I said I was a "consciousness explorer"... that I liked to ponder human nature and religion and other theories... but he ridicules me about it. He also seems to like to think about it too so it's confusing. But he said he doesn't like the way I think... and we already know he doesn't like the way I am, or the way I look, or the way I smell. Last night he said "fat ladies need lovin' too, just not from me" because I gained a couple pounds on my vacation with my family. 

Le'Anna said these are all just stories and that I'm fine in this moment... and part of me thinks that I want to keep experimenting, but I am worn down and God wants to give me a bigger teddy bear. 

See?

So relax. Be you. Be happy. Let Ryan be Ryan. And stay away from negativity. Life is beautiful!

We'll see what he says. I was waiting for him to think through whether he was willing to compromise and thought we could work toward a relationship that worked for both of us. He said he had to think about it and get back to me. But then he exploded about my brain (that I would consider Common Law)... and broke up with me. So maybe that's it. Either way, I'm feeling more ready.

Last night I was in acute emotional pain and couldn't sleep for many hours... So much anger and sadness. But it's moving through. And Le'Anna suggested that breathing technique for stuck energy and it worked.... helped. I have a lot of unstuck energy just moving through too now. And stuck. But we'll just keep feeling. I like it better when Ryan is at peace and we aren't fighting... I hope we can come to an agreement or understanding. If this isn't going to work... okay. We can agree on that like mature adults. Hopefully we can be friends or at least friendly. 

I've fallen back into a lie.... people pleasing and trying to be something I'm not. I want to come back to my authentic messy silly loving self and be happy!

It sounds prideful but I do pray for Ryan to "wake up". If he did, we could have such a beautiful life...but maybe his "wake up" isn't the same as mine and it seems like it must not be and it's okay. He's having his own soul's journey. Mine wanted to experience this intense emotional and mental abuse apparently. CONTRAST. We figure out what we don't want so we know what we want, etc. Esther Hicks. 

[exhale]

I want peace, love, and harmony. 
I love nature.
I want to laugh and play.
I long for a partner to do life with. Someone who loves my doggies too and includes them. Someone tenderhearted yet strong and masculine. 

Someone who can envision and manifest a beautiful life for both of us. Someone forgiving. Kind. ... and that God picks for me. 

Ryan's not it. That was a year+ long lesson... and so much growth came from it. Thank you God! We'll see how it continues to play out... but I'm glad to be home and feeling a bit better. Celtics play Game 2 of the finals against the Mavericks tonight.

Article from Ryan

 Interestingly Ryan sent me this article aimed at all my faults. I skimmed it and felt sure it was right on... pointing out things I need to work on... and it is. But today... a week and a half later... I revisited it and feel like most of those things are what Ryan might have an opportunity to work on??

https://geediting.com/people-who-are-genuinely-difficult-to-be-around-often-exhibit-these-8-behaviors-without-realizing-it/

• Constantly Critical - for sure
• Overbearing - maybe not
• Neglecting boundaries - maybe not
• Lack of empathy - for sure... but he turns this on and off. I think this is related to being in our heart or head.
• Always playing the victim - he doesn't see it, but he views himself from a lens of "less than"... he's arrogant to cover up his feelings of inadequacy, and his anger and always feeling like someone wronged him comes from victim mentality although it's dressed in something different than the "pity me" stance.
• Inflexibility - nailed it
• Excessive negativity - yep
• Disregard for other's feelings - it's really hard for him to see things from other's perspective most of the time, but sometimes he does. I think it's like the "lack of empathy" category.

Anyway... we all have so much to work on.
I'm personally going through a bit of a dark night of the soul...but I also think that some of the heavy depression that has hit me is from eating CRAP... carbs and sugar. AND seeing my family - missing them and observing the great love that Braden's family shares. Longing for connection like that.

I thought Ryan was going to maybe do something nice for me while I was away, especially since he seemed secretive about the projects he was working on. But that's what expectations do to you... they let you down. I expected something more and there is nothing which is fine...but it was my inflated hopes that are harming me. Also, just seeing the truth... he doesn't care about me enough to want to go on a free family vacation with me. I have been lying to myself for so long... hoping that he would love me...saying to myself that he secretly loves me... just working through issues. But the truth is, he doesn't love me enough. In the beginning he was delighted to talk to me and was flexible and went outside his comfort zone because I was worth it to him. I'm not anymore. I'm part of his routine and he likes that part of it... of me... but he isn't in love with me. He likes our friendship. He likes the sexual play and us having fun together - playing ball and watching sports. But he doesn't love me. Not the way a true partner should. And we were supposed to have couples counseling on Tuesday. He was all in for it for months but yesterday he asked for the number because he was going to try to change it. (Not caring about the research I did to pick someone that may be able to help us... sounds like he has really great experience and expertise.) 

[sigh]

What do I want?

Someone to adore... to work and play with... work on ourselves, explore the world...someone safe to talk to and share my gunk with... good and bad. Someone to serve and delight and spoil and to learn to let them spoil me. To laugh and cry with. To do chores with. To sleep with. To learn pleasure with. To walk dogs with. To pursue higher consciousness with. 

I don't like swearing and smoking and drugs. I want to practice humility together. 

I'm a mess. I'm not hiding that. I just want someone else who knows they're a mess too and that we can heal together. 

----

And it's over. 

4:25pm 6/8.

And if my people who were called by my name would humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, I would hear from heaven, forgive their sin and heal their land. - Something 6:8... Micah maybe? 

But I have to turn from my sin of lying... of deceiving myself and others. Find my own joy and make my own life and have my own friends and do things that make me happy. I cannot trade myself for love. Ryan called me codependant... I am. And so broken... and I feel it and am being propelled to get back in alignment with my own soul. 

It's done. It needs to be done. 

Move on. First and foremost... take care of you. You are precious and beloved. God bless you sweet girl.

____

I just said to myself "he failed me"...but the truth is, that I gave him that power. I wanted so much for him to be my guy... we had that magic 3 weeks in the beginning and I have been chasing the dragon ever since. The way he talks to me, the way he yells at me, the way he insults me, the way he sees evil in me, the way he's not safe to share my feelings with, the way he's aloof and hides things from me, the way he'd prefer porn over me, the way he IS.... and I see he's getting better... choosing to work hard, and maybe he'll make something of himself... but maybe not. And I just have to honor the effort and energy and love I put into this, praying that blossoms of goodness will bloom in the spring... that good will come for him in time... and think of it as a gift for his real woman... his real partner. I pray good for him... that he will find peace and joy and contentment and healing and clarity and wisdom and abundance and have a good life. And I want to keep growing... keep going... and I know now more of what I don't want. I don't want a selfish, smoker, swearer, abuser, insulter. I am blessed. God has me. Do what I can with what I have and that's that. 

I told him that I had sun poisoning and he ridiculed and made fun of and minimized it. This is what Corie does to Jerry too. People just want to be heard. They have their own experiences and I don't need to apply my judgement to them. Thank you God. 

Feel the hurt. Feel all this, Love. This is what it's here for. 

I don't want to be friends with him. It just keeps the madness going. I loved him. (Taking off my ring.) I loved him. But no more. I can't keep giving myself away ... that's not how it's supposed to work. Love ME. LOVE YOU. BE WELL sweet girl, I love you ...not enough. I want to do better. It shouldn't be that I have to choose between Ryan and you. But that's how you think it works...but it doesn't. But if you need a break from anyone for now while you learn to do what feels good to you, please do. Find your joy again.

I am so sad because I feel lonely and I felt sad Ryan didn't come. And seeing how beautiful my family is made me want to share it with a loved one and it made me feel sad because the one I love... it's a farce. It's not true. He doesn't talk to me with kindness or compassion or gentleness... he narrows his eyes and looks for ways to put me down. I needed a hug, not admonishment. Stop trying and wishing to get it from him. Let him go. Let him go. You need to let him go so that God can prepare you for someone who you can work with. Ryan is not the guy. He doesn't want to be the guy. So honor that.

[exhale]

I'm going to go move mulch around and cry some more in the arms/limbs of my angel post oak. Thank you God!

Mastering Self Discipline in the Chaos (AG pick)

Timely.

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Mastering_Self_Discipline_in_the_Chaos

I'm feeling really ready to let Ryan go. He is badly behaved and doesn't treat me with kindness or respect. I'm ready to move on.

Should we be friends or not? God's in control. I'm not declaring any of this. I'm just moving on in my heart and life. Just separating my heart and moving forward. 

I had a really nice personal loving time today. 

I've enjoyed PLAYING with Ryan... basketball and pickleball and watching games... he's a good playmate. Not a good partner. 

But I love that he will care for my animals with me... will check on them tomorrow when I leave for Tennessee until Michael gets here. 

Today Ryan had a long conversation about theory and what I might lump under spiritual matters with "Gemini", a new Ai google bot (like Siri, I guess). Interesting that her name is Gemini... aren't those the twins and represent hierogamic union? Anyway, these are siphoning the hearts of humans. Ryan would go all in with the "chip". He's not on the same page as me. He doesn't see chem trails and ridicules people who do. He has given his heart/mind/conversation to Gemini when I am hungry for it... this is an obvious sign. And I can't "save" him. I can't choose for him. This is the path he wants... and I need to remain faithful to MY SOUL'S path and not get off it for a boy... especially an abusive and damaging one. 

So... I see and learn...

"Thus, a spiritually disconnected person run by their Negative Ego and pain body wounding will easily digress into further negative patterns of soul corruption and spiritual bankruptcy. These negative attributes are spiritually abusive behaviors that result in mental fracturing and narcissistic behaviors, along with attracting a bevy of negative entity attachments that siphon energy Loosh from their host. Thus, spiritually disconnected people and their negative entities compound the overall intensity of psychic attacking and dark force harassment, while unleashing assorted manipulation tactics for exerting emotional blackmail or aggression in their attempt to dominate and submit others to serve their personal will."

Sound familiar?

I pray GodSovereignFree blessings over Ryan that he may be freed to his highest consciousness and probability... that he may see and know who he is (I AM) and that he would slay the dark entities that have corded him.... that he would see his negative ego and address his wounding and break the bondage of pain and trauma. I pray that I too would continue to release the density and heal my being. Clear my fascia and energy body of interference. God, Librarian, All Who Is... the Great I AM... please heal us. Thy will be done! 

___

Oh but again...another transcendant day with Ryan. Pickleball/play, heart-to-heart talk, date night (taco bell - ha! and Garfield movie), and really nice sexy time - he pleasured me so well. (I'm so glad I was able to share with him about how I really wanted him to take care of my needs too... and boy did he!! Whoo!! Super good... and I warmed up enough to partake in what he really enjoys tooo... it was special. And now we will be apart all week and it will be a good for us. We broke up earlier but during the movie I said I didn't want to and we talked and decided to keep it as is ... boyfriend/girlfriend and without pressure. 

I really do need to focus on my own healing and reclamation and remembering and living who I AM and stop trying to "get/keep/rope" Ryan. We'll enjoy this time and see where it goes.

I feel so much better when I am healthy and thinner... I like the feeling of him feeling me and being turned on . It's muuuuch better than junk food. Remember that.