The List

 .... still a work in progress... a conglomeration of many iterations of thoughts about this over the past week and a half.

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Bottom line

I want someone who wants to do life with me- sunup to sundown… who wants to want to do that. If it takes a while to get there, no problem. But I think I we were moving in that direction and he decided I wasn’t the one for him.

He wants someone thin. I have always struggled with my weight.
He thinks I’m crazy… a conspiracy theorist… (I used to be, but now I don’t care enough)… a

I want someone who will spend time with my family too. I love my family and like to have friends and want us all to spend time together - happily. (Note, I spend lots of time with his family.)

I want someone to who wants to be a family with me and my fur babies. I love Ryan’s cats and want us all to be together. 

I want to be a woman - practice feminine qualities of receiving and being delighted by a man’s masculine traits. I have made it really easy for him to stop holding the door for me, etc. He started groaning about it. (Probably when he stopped trying to woo me.)

I want someone I can talk to - anytime. Even if I’m babbly and wanting to explore layers of my thoughts/concepts. I want someone who cares about what I think as well. (Because I try to foster his meandering thoughts… his consciousness explorations.) I am trying to be more heart centered and God is scrambling my brain a little these days - but it helps me learn to not be so mind-focused. Anyway, I like to ponder. I want a friend to ponder with.

To ponder, play, work, shop, rest, and generally just do life with.

Ryan is not the guy.
Time to move on.

Looking for someone kind, flexible, motivated, grateful, and I especially love a handy man! 

First attempt at the list:

Things I like: I feel really good - content, right where I want to be, when I'm with Ryan. No matter what we are doing. I like how handy he is - skilled at carpentry and mechanics. I like pondering the mysteries of the universe and human behavior with Ryan. I like his name. I like his butt. I like his feel - his height, strength, eyes, whole being.... 

I love how smart he is.

I like his potential.

Things I don't like:
Complains about almost everything I do. I do it wrong or bad. Critical about almost everything I cook, when I try so hard to please him. It feels bad.

I don't like when he swears - especially at me... when he calls me names and insults me. I don't like his smoking but I've had a life-long journey to being okay with it... that's his situation and not mine. I can get away from it if I choose, most of the time, if I wanted to. That's my responsibility. 

I trust the universe to continue to steer Ryan's choices and path - I'm hoping that one day we will be able to have a home together. Especially for him to build us a home (be the GC). In the meantime, I don't like that our whole family can't be together... cats in one place, dogs in the other. I wish we could all be together. 

We both have pride/ego problems (presumably from trauma/wounding) and I'm grateful for the opportunity to work on this with Ryan. Desire for unity with him is powerful inspiration to see and heal. I don't want to harm him, and all my shenanigans (including both polarities of narcissistic behavior and codependant behavior) lead to the loss of truth and vulnerability (stealing security, peace, and joy). 

Ryan makes fun of everything I do... ridicules me and my friends and what I do, think, and even what I read. 

I always think that Ryan likes "the idea of me"... and not necessarily ME. (Not ME at all. He wants to change the way I look, act, think, smell, etc.) But I ALSO like the idea of Ryan. The man I perceive he is under all the rudeness, etc. Sometimes I see glimpses, so I hold on to that. But the actual Ryan... the one who insults me every chance he gets... the one who withholds his love... the one who ridicules me and doesn't want to choose me every minute... the way I want to choose him and be with him ... the one who has a different desire for his life.... I want someone who wants to be with me. I like the chase... I like learning... but sometimes I just want to be. I want to just BE together. I want to be cozy in a home together. I want someone who wants to travel with me - to go on family vacations together. To go to the woods every weekend. Or maybe that's just for me. I'M the one I want. I want to go to the woods... so go. But I want to go with a man.. MY man... protector. 

I love Jekyll… fun, interesting, enjoyable to be around
Hyde is mean, looks at me as though I’m an enemy - always looking to attack me and put me down.

I want someone who likes to just snuggle together

Someone who wants to do life TOGETHER. Eat, rest, play, be separate, talk, work through things, explore

A leader, a man, a man who wants to practice being a man and allowing me to practice being a woman

I need to learn boundaries and how to receive better

I don’t like that Ryan doesn’t want to be around my family. (I am around his all the time.)

I don’t like that Ryan doesn’t want to sleep or rest together

We are friends. Just good friends. 

But he also doesn’t want me to date anyone else.
He wants his cake and to eat it too.

He likes my attention, he likes the idea of me, he likes what I can give him (affection, pleasure, companionship).

But not enough to commit. To be willing to WORK, to make changes … but why am I trying to change him? I want him to want me. But if he doesn’t naturally… but there are mixed messages…. He sometimes wants me … likes to share things with me… but then it’s too much for him.

If he chooses to heal himself, he’ll be wonderful. If he doesn’t, he’ll be bipolar, divided, constantly blaming the other, narcissistic (I hate that word), and just have his experience.

I don’t need to choose that for myself too. I can choose another road. Love me, have fun, and maybe a partner that will not harm me will come along. 

Ryan harms me regularly.
Hurt people hurt people.

I’ve enjoyed the lessons. I like learning. But I want to experience a mutually loving union. I can’t force it with Ryan. 

I like:
His potential.
Being with him.

I don’t like:
How he puts me down every chance he can get. Everything I do is wrong and bad in some way. He will twist it so he is a victim of whatever I’ve done too. He doesn’t dwell on the victimhood, just the perception to make me bad and wrong.

I want to be with someone who WANTS to be with me. Not someone I have to convince to like me. 

I am holding on until Saturday because it’s a few more days and I am interested in his list.

But I know. I feel it. We can be friends, but he’s not the guy for me. I’M the GIRL for ME and want to focus on that while having fun and meeting other people. Not sure where it will go. I may be spoiled already, enjoying my own home and life… it would be hard to compromise that… unless there is someone who it feels right to explore what a merged life might look like… but… it’s not the time. I don’t want that now. I need to lick my wounds and focus on self-care, loving myself. And part of that is going out and having fun and getting fit and playing with my dogs, horse, chickens, home, family, and friends. 

I have been neglecting myself and my loved ones … my pookets… and that makes me a pretty bad girl.

So I like:

Friendship - when he’s lighthearted and we have fun together… when we play (jeopardy, games, sports, etc.) when we talk (deep thoughts), when we snuggle or rub each other (which is usually my invitation… this is very masculine… I’m showing him my interest and he likes it… but he is the man and should be initiating but he’s not attracted to me.)

I think he’s both vain and also insecure. He thinks he’s so handsome… but he doesn’t see his flaws… and I started to write them out but I don’t want to see them either. 

I don’t like how he hurts me. 

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Note, the different personalities I am working with.... the IFS... they frame things differently. Some of them are victims and want to see themselves as that. Some are overcomers. Some have lingering trauma. Some have done a lot of healing. I think that is a neat way to frame my experience. And with all the iterations of this list... I see how I keep looking at Ryan's and my relationship from different lenses.

Maybe it was just one of my personalities going through a dark night of the soul in Tennessee. Other ones are still delusional. Ha!

I want to integrate all the pieces of me. See and love them all to wholeness.

God bless you sweet and brave and smart soul. I'm grateful that you see me. 

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Quote of the day: 

"You can't be suspicious of a tree, or accuse a bird or a squirrel of subversion, or challenge the ideology of a violet." ~Hal Borland 

AG pick: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Yod_of_Father_God 

"As the Law of Structure re-organizes the cosmological planes into higher harmony and balance as consciousness increases, the Yod is formed in the creator's blueprint during the expansion into higher consciousness to shower loving compassion upon those who have open hearts that may receive it."
"When we call upon Father’s Yod, we are calling for the Law of Compassion, we are asking for the compassionate action of God’s finger to be with our inner masculine principle to guide us through our challenging life circumstances, in Divine Right Order. Yod is synonymous with the Virtues of Humility and compassionate action of the Universal Father principle being taught to us in example. To know the Holy Father, we must develop our inner spirit to become more like him. "

I don't need to be so in my head about all of what's going on... this intel is fascinating, and maybe some level of me needs it, but it's the WORKING OUT of the project... the opening of the heart, the gratitude and forgiveness in action that moves mountains.

The narrative of how the woman saves the man may be harming me... how we hold space for the man to reclaim his parts... it makes us in to martyrs and it may alchemize victim consciousness into purpose, but it also traps us ... perhaps giving us false hope... and makes us controlling and leading the charge... almost emasculating the man... seeing ourselves as better and stronger and wiser and the saviors. Yes, that's it... perpetuating "hero-savior" games. 

There's a balance... of learning to allow people to be messy, loving them through it... and also protecting our own heart and life. I am learning so much with Ryan, and maybe the heartbreak is good for me in some ways... but break up the fallow ground... but it's not getting me closer to an experience of being in a mutal relationship. I had that with Paul and Michael and Tyrone and Joe... we had all committed to being there. And maybe Ryan has too... but he's definitely sitting on the fence. I was listening to the "fence sitter" portion of Laura Doyle's "Empowered Wife" this morning. And it feels bad for the other party... in her case, she was talking about a husband with a fence sitting wife... but I've got a fence sitting boyfriend. If he was "all in", then we'd have something to work with and toward.

But there's a reason he's not all in. God has a reason. God has a bigger teddy bear for me. So give up this tiny one. God's made it very easy because Ryan doesn't care.

I'm so grateful for you/ME, Carissa. Ryan says I don't do any work on myself... and maybe the needle hasn't moved much...but it has moved. I don't know if it's in the right direction... maybe not... but I definitely talk to myself a lot, and think about a lot. And I've been trying really hard to be humble, grateful, vulnerable, honest, and allow Ryan to be Ryan. 

This shouldn't be so hard. It's not. I'm just fighting myself. 
Ryan can be my friend and I can date (myself and other men). And that's that. He can keep my car ... he'll get a truck in no time. And he can date. He was so happy when some women hit on him yesterday. I hope he finds someone who is a good match for him. Probably another smoker... skinny, lives on diet cokes... maybe does drugs... probably likes porn and just happy to be with him... and he'll be happy too... throwing her around to have an al and no expectations... maybe someone like JoAnn (Robert's wife)... someone not too smart...who doesn't challenge him....not that I do anymore. My brain is getting mushy. But we've been together for 474 days and he still only has one chair in his house... never a loveseat. I brought a tiny chair over that I sit in to eat. And this week he got a second TV table. But it's not what I want. It's gross. And he's threatened when I try to set the table at my house and make it nice. We're just not on the same page. And he's got deep seated poverty consciousness. I don't want that. Yeah, I'm ready for a good life. I want a life of ease and joy. And lots and lots of love.

I need to learn to receive. Men are made to give. Women are made to receive. I need to address my masculine tendencies and pride and learn to be vulnerable. (As well as patient.) <-- and when I say that, I think, "if only I could love Ryan better... be more patient, then he'll step into his magnificence and be all I need him to be... compassionate, a provider, etc.."... but that just keeps me trapped.

I'm trapped.
In my own mind.

The truth is that I think he's selfish. Even with his cats who he loves the most in the world, sometimes he gets irritated with them and he doesn't always keep their food area the cleanest. He doesn't have to do a ton for them - feed them and change their litter box - and he likes it. But it's not always the best. And that leads me to look at myself... my Moses wants a walk a day.... he gets one usually... but yesterday he wanted Michael to take him (he did) AND me to take him. Anyway... I don't give my dogs as much time as they need. Or my horse. I don't brush her hardly at all anymore. Anyway, I can't point fingers because I'm neglecting my best friends too. We're just broken people. And we don't have enough time or the right set up. If we lived together and I worked part time, then I'd have more time to care for animals while he worked, and we'd snuggle at night and I'd feel loved. It's just not right. I'm supposed to be in my father's house until my man comes for me and takes me to his house where I become his. And I"m supposed to be an asset and not a liability to him. But because of feminism, etc, we think we are entitled to whatever we want and a power struggle ensues. 

I like to write. 
I like to think. 
I need to learn to feel and then follow my heart. I think and ponder and toss this stuff around all day, but I live in cognitive dissonance and don't do what I know I should. (Value myself, don't let people disrespect me, respect others, love and care for them, have boundaries, etc.)

I need to work. Thanks for talking.