I broke up with Ryan yesterday (after he broke up with me pretty much - saying he's not doing this anymore). Obviously he's not happy. See that. Stop trying to force it. A part of him likes me but a part of him doesn't. He said today that he hates the way I think or my brain works. He was angry when I was sharing about common law. I showed him my new drivers license which still had the "under duress" on it and it triggers him. He is "triggered" by "conspiracy theorists". We had a whole talk about it earlier. It was a great chat, I loved it! But he gets really upset and swears about Michael and thinks he's an idiot. He called me names too - psycho always comes up. And I also think Michael is delusional, but he's got a kind heart and hope for the future. Yesterday I experienced more of the yucky energy where he thinks he knows and that we're stupid for not listening to the information he shares... but I just can't... it's been wrong for so many years. I appreciate his perseverance... but it's not for me. Anyway, Ryan and I talked honestly this morning and shared about our differing perspectives... about how he sees that I want a family and how relationships are important to me, but that's just not how he's built. He shared about his poverty consciousness (he didn't use those terms, but talked about how he sees "rich people" vs how he grew up and that people like my parents make him uncomfortable). I said I wouldn't do well if he didn't go on another family vacation and I think that's when he was talking about how uncomfortable it would make him, etc. And later today I asked if he thought I should get a roommate, and he said he wouldn't blame me because he knows he isn't stepping up (and implied he didn't plan on it). He said his house had all these problems and he'd have to take heroic measures to fix it up OR he could build another house... and I said he could move here and he didn't agree... I don't remember exactly what he said, but it wasn't affirmative or hopeful.
So then when he got mad about common law, he broke up with me again - saying this is why it can never work between us, or something, and then launched into a tirade about how fucked up my brain is, etc.
Anyway, I think that I'm mourning it.. this sadness and dark night of the soul is releasing the density and getting me ready for my next chapter of honoring myself and growing and healing and prepare me for the joyful experience of waiting on and preparing for my true love and partner of my heart. A man who will see me and love me and that I can see and love....that we can mutually edify, grow, work, play, explore together. I will need to let Ryan go and Paul go and all my past go and mostly my own shame and wounding and traumas and restore myself in the Light.
I will practice self-care. Baths. Reading. Walks with my doggies. Dates with myself. Time with my family and friends. Ecstatic dance. Exercise - HIIT workouts each day. Healthy choices. Caring for the land and creatures I steward. Aligning myself with Source. Living with gratitude!
So then when he got mad about common law, he broke up with me again - saying this is why it can never work between us, or something, and then launched into a tirade about how fucked up my brain is, etc.
Anyway, I think that I'm mourning it.. this sadness and dark night of the soul is releasing the density and getting me ready for my next chapter of honoring myself and growing and healing and prepare me for the joyful experience of waiting on and preparing for my true love and partner of my heart. A man who will see me and love me and that I can see and love....that we can mutually edify, grow, work, play, explore together. I will need to let Ryan go and Paul go and all my past go and mostly my own shame and wounding and traumas and restore myself in the Light.
I will practice self-care. Baths. Reading. Walks with my doggies. Dates with myself. Time with my family and friends. Ecstatic dance. Exercise - HIIT workouts each day. Healthy choices. Caring for the land and creatures I steward. Aligning myself with Source. Living with gratitude!
Ryan has been a good project... I learned lots. Loved him the best I could. But ultimately, he hasn't liked me for me ever. In the beginning (and still now), he liked the idea of me. But I don't live up. There are ways that I need to improve... not jumping on him when I first see him with my thoughts and life...letting him calibrate and share his first. But he's not a family man. He lives in so much negativity. He's closed minded and judgemental and angry and prideful.
I've been forcing it, hoping and praying and trying to be patient while he chooses life....a better life. Healthier choices, quitting smoking, getting up earlier, etc... and he's headed in that direction. But he has a long way to go and I don't think I'm the right... he stated just a half hour ago or so...that I don't go with him... I'm not a good match for him... he didn't say those words... but it was that energy... that we think too differently. And that's true. He makes fun of me because I said I was a "consciousness explorer"... that I liked to ponder human nature and religion and other theories... but he ridicules me about it. He also seems to like to think about it too so it's confusing. But he said he doesn't like the way I think... and we already know he doesn't like the way I am, or the way I look, or the way I smell. Last night he said "fat ladies need lovin' too, just not from me" because I gained a couple pounds on my vacation with my family.
I've been forcing it, hoping and praying and trying to be patient while he chooses life....a better life. Healthier choices, quitting smoking, getting up earlier, etc... and he's headed in that direction. But he has a long way to go and I don't think I'm the right... he stated just a half hour ago or so...that I don't go with him... I'm not a good match for him... he didn't say those words... but it was that energy... that we think too differently. And that's true. He makes fun of me because I said I was a "consciousness explorer"... that I liked to ponder human nature and religion and other theories... but he ridicules me about it. He also seems to like to think about it too so it's confusing. But he said he doesn't like the way I think... and we already know he doesn't like the way I am, or the way I look, or the way I smell. Last night he said "fat ladies need lovin' too, just not from me" because I gained a couple pounds on my vacation with my family.
Le'Anna said these are all just stories and that I'm fine in this moment... and part of me thinks that I want to keep experimenting, but I am worn down and God wants to give me a bigger teddy bear.
See?
So relax. Be you. Be happy. Let Ryan be Ryan. And stay away from negativity. Life is beautiful!
We'll see what he says. I was waiting for him to think through whether he was willing to compromise and thought we could work toward a relationship that worked for both of us. He said he had to think about it and get back to me. But then he exploded about my brain (that I would consider Common Law)... and broke up with me. So maybe that's it. Either way, I'm feeling more ready.
Last night I was in acute emotional pain and couldn't sleep for many hours... So much anger and sadness. But it's moving through. And Le'Anna suggested that breathing technique for stuck energy and it worked.... helped. I have a lot of unstuck energy just moving through too now. And stuck. But we'll just keep feeling. I like it better when Ryan is at peace and we aren't fighting... I hope we can come to an agreement or understanding. If this isn't going to work... okay. We can agree on that like mature adults. Hopefully we can be friends or at least friendly.
I've fallen back into a lie.... people pleasing and trying to be something I'm not. I want to come back to my authentic messy silly loving self and be happy!
Last night I was in acute emotional pain and couldn't sleep for many hours... So much anger and sadness. But it's moving through. And Le'Anna suggested that breathing technique for stuck energy and it worked.... helped. I have a lot of unstuck energy just moving through too now. And stuck. But we'll just keep feeling. I like it better when Ryan is at peace and we aren't fighting... I hope we can come to an agreement or understanding. If this isn't going to work... okay. We can agree on that like mature adults. Hopefully we can be friends or at least friendly.
I've fallen back into a lie.... people pleasing and trying to be something I'm not. I want to come back to my authentic messy silly loving self and be happy!
It sounds prideful but I do pray for Ryan to "wake up". If he did, we could have such a beautiful life...but maybe his "wake up" isn't the same as mine and it seems like it must not be and it's okay. He's having his own soul's journey. Mine wanted to experience this intense emotional and mental abuse apparently. CONTRAST. We figure out what we don't want so we know what we want, etc. Esther Hicks.
[exhale]
[exhale]
I want peace, love, and harmony.
I love nature.
I want to laugh and play.
I long for a partner to do life with. Someone who loves my doggies too and includes them. Someone tenderhearted yet strong and masculine.
I love nature.
I want to laugh and play.
I long for a partner to do life with. Someone who loves my doggies too and includes them. Someone tenderhearted yet strong and masculine.
Someone who can envision and manifest a beautiful life for both of us. Someone forgiving. Kind. ... and that God picks for me.
Ryan's not it. That was a year+ long lesson... and so much growth came from it. Thank you God! We'll see how it continues to play out... but I'm glad to be home and feeling a bit better. Celtics play Game 2 of the finals against the Mavericks tonight.
Ryan's not it. That was a year+ long lesson... and so much growth came from it. Thank you God! We'll see how it continues to play out... but I'm glad to be home and feeling a bit better. Celtics play Game 2 of the finals against the Mavericks tonight.
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