To do - and first attempt at list

I need to:

cut back on decaf coffee... maybe make that only a Sunday crossword thing? I heard someone say they were thinking of making it illegal... and I remember someone saying it was made using embalming fluid or something. So why am I drinking it?

I think God wants me to do a coffee enema too. That coffee enema bag has fallen out of the freezer a bunch of times lately and this morning I got the message. So maybe tonight.

I'm dizzy and had some chest and left arm discomfort last night but I am a few days from my period so anxiety is super high too. I had a perfect day yesterday and that came on around sun-down. I think it's a shift.. energetic, physical body, etc. I was with the O'Malleys eating pizza and watching the Celtics. 

Things with Ryan have been great the last couple days. Therapy was really helpful - left us feeling good. I need to do my homework... writing a list of things I like and don't like about Ryan or our relationship. I hope I can maintain clarity, knowing that I want to focus on seeing him as the leader, not trying to control or really do anything to change his experience (offering to clean, cook, visit, etc. Don't ask anything of him or give him any advice. Trust his choices and let him be him and see if it works out to play together ...but be okay when it doesn't.) Listening to Laura Doyle is helpful. 

Anyway, I need to cut out decaf. I'm thinking of going to 2 HLTH code shakes a day with one regular meal. I'd like to have an 8 hour eating window. I'd like to get up early and take in early sun, do some breathing and then exercise exercise and meditate and walk the dogs. I'd like to read more. And in general need to tuck into my home and heart more. I have given myself away to Ryan...which I love too. I wish we could do it all together... I wish we could live together... but God's will be done. And Ryan's. 

First attempt at the list:

Things I like: I feel really good - content, right where I want to be, when I'm with Ryan. No matter what we are doing. I like how handy he is - skilled at carpentry and mechanics. I like pondering the mysteries of the universe and human behavior with Ryan. I like his name. I like his butt. I like his feel - his height, strength, eyes, whole being.... 

I love how smart he is.

Things I don't like:

I don't like when he swears - especially at me... when he calls me names and insults me. I don't like his smoking but I've had a life-long journey to being okay with it... that's his situation and not mine. I can get away from it if I choose, most of the time, if I wanted to. That's my responsibility. 
I trust the universe to continue to steer Ryan's choices and path - I'm hoping that one day we will be able to have a home together. Especially for him to build us a home (be the GC). In the meantime, I don't like that our whole family can't be together... cats in one place, dogs in the other. I wish we could all be together. 

We both have pride/ego problems (presumably from trauma/wounding) and I'm grateful for the opportunity to work on this with Ryan. Desire for unity with him is powerful inspiration to see and heal. I don't want to harm him, and all my shenanigans (including both polarities of narcissistic behavior and codependant behavior) lead to the loss of truth and vulnerability (stealing security, peace, and joy).