172.9

My weight tonight... 172.9 Heading up. I don't like it. I don't feel good. I'm a slave to sugar and crap again. How will I take myself back? With consciousness. There's no need to be ashamed or try to change myself because I enjoy "exploring consciousness". Some people like to do that. It doesn't work for Ryan and we're just different. God bless him. But I am finally remembering that I need to BE ME and DO ME and that's that. This whole thing.... this whole life... is between ME and me. And these other players are gifts and opportunities...but abandoning myself in order to give myself away, especially to someone who doesn't want me... EL STUPIDO!!! 

I think I'm genuinely done with the Ryan charade. It's been fun, and I've learned a lot and I'm hopeful to pop out the other side here as friends. But we're in different places. "The Essence of the Upanishads" is helping me mightily...reminding me of who and where I was when I was like Ryan... he's in constant sympathetic dominance, lying to himself, blaming others, and looking at people (like me) as "idiots" and "psychos" because we think there's more to life. Now, the kicker is that he has mentioned that he thinks that too, and he does on some levels, but again, he doesn't have the awareness to recognize it. Is this the difference between being mutidimensional and say 2D? Anyway... I'm tired of being harrassed... but I DO appreciate his friendship and the opportunity to practice forgiveness, patience, seeing my mess, etc. But DISCOUNTING MYSELF in order to build him up. Trading me in... no. No more. I'm done with that.

But still trying to be kind and supportive... and I still don't want to upset him... I'm a dang people pleaser...that's me. But him scolding me for being "jittery" because I was anxious about him being ill (sunstroke), I don't know how to handle that. I don't know how to stop caring. Angh. It will all work out.

Anyway, work is going well. I'm enjoying reading, walking early in the morning, sleeping earlier, and spending more time with myself. Embracing my singleness (although it's still unclear whether Ryan thinks we're single. We talked about it the other day and he seemed to accept it but then he kissed me goodbye and it's been a little weird... or maybe the same...which is always weird. Not warm. Not the real deal. But not sure if he thinks we're together or not. I don't mind being together with our not-really-together-but-bff-vibe... or if we're single. I don't want to lose him altogether, but that may be necessary in order for me to be getting ready for whatever or whoever is next. I have some healing to do too. This was a very emotionally and mentally damaging relationship...but I allowed it... I knew what I was getting into. Trading myself for breadcrumbs of affection. I knew it on many levels. And I wanted to feel and explore it and challenged myself to learn to get out of it... to choose myself. But I didn't do a great job... God had to help a lot to get me to let go even to the (not all the way let go) state I'm in now. But we're getting there. Baby steps. 

I think I definitely have some nephilim/reptillian/jacked up consciousness in me. But a part of me is super consciously trying to rehabilitate it. To observe and do re-con... 

I need to maybe try eating sardines. My brain is NOT working well these days. I am having such trouble remembering words!!

I need to stop the decaf coffee too. Poison.

Kelly Brogan's Reclaimed Woman came out ... maybe even today... and I read the first couple pages before Moses reminded me to do a Cards to Cash thing for Michael... and it is SO GOOD!!! I want to go read now for a few minutes before bed. It's getting late already! 9:36. Time to hang up the journal. Its nice to talk to myself though... so nice. I love you. I'm learning to anyway. MUAH!