Interestingly Ryan sent me this article aimed at all my faults. I skimmed it and felt sure it was right on... pointing out things I need to work on... and it is. But today... a week and a half later... I revisited it and feel like most of those things are what Ryan might have an opportunity to work on??
https://geediting.com/people-who-are-genuinely-difficult-to-be-around-often-exhibit-these-8-behaviors-without-realizing-it/
- Constantly Critical - for sure
- Overbearing - maybe not
- Neglecting boundaries - maybe not
- Lack of empathy - for sure... but he turns this on and off. I think this is related to being in our heart or head.
- Always playing the victim - he doesn't see it, but he views himself from a lens of "less than"... he's arrogant to cover up his feelings of inadequacy, and his anger and always feeling like someone wronged him comes from victim mentality although it's dressed in something different than the "pity me" stance.
- Inflexibility - nailed it
- Excessive negativity - yep
- Disregard for other's feelings - it's really hard for him to see things from other's perspective most of the time, but sometimes he does. I think it's like the "lack of empathy" category.
Anyway... we all have so much to work on.
I'm personally going through a bit of a dark night of the soul...but I also think that some of the heavy depression that has hit me is from eating CRAP... carbs and sugar. AND seeing my family - missing them and observing the great love that Braden's family shares. Longing for connection like that.
I thought Ryan was going to maybe do something nice for me while I was away, especially since he seemed secretive about the projects he was working on. But that's what expectations do to you... they let you down. I expected something more and there is nothing which is fine...but it was my inflated hopes that are harming me. Also, just seeing the truth... he doesn't care about me enough to want to go on a free family vacation with me. I have been lying to myself for so long... hoping that he would love me...saying to myself that he secretly loves me... just working through issues. But the truth is, he doesn't love me enough. In the beginning he was delighted to talk to me and was flexible and went outside his comfort zone because I was worth it to him. I'm not anymore. I'm part of his routine and he likes that part of it... of me... but he isn't in love with me. He likes our friendship. He likes the sexual play and us having fun together - playing ball and watching sports. But he doesn't love me. Not the way a true partner should. And we were supposed to have couples counseling on Tuesday. He was all in for it for months but yesterday he asked for the number because he was going to try to change it. (Not caring about the research I did to pick someone that may be able to help us... sounds like he has really great experience and expertise.)
[sigh]
What do I want?
Someone to adore... to work and play with... work on ourselves, explore the world...someone safe to talk to and share my gunk with... good and bad. Someone to serve and delight and spoil and to learn to let them spoil me. To laugh and cry with. To do chores with. To sleep with. To learn pleasure with. To walk dogs with. To pursue higher consciousness with.
I don't like swearing and smoking and drugs. I want to practice humility together.
I'm a mess. I'm not hiding that. I just want someone else who knows they're a mess too and that we can heal together.
----
And it's over.
4:25pm 6/8.
And if my people who were called by my name would humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, I would hear from heaven, forgive their sin and heal their land. - Something 6:8... Micah maybe?
But I have to turn from my sin of lying... of deceiving myself and others. Find my own joy and make my own life and have my own friends and do things that make me happy. I cannot trade myself for love. Ryan called me codependant... I am. And so broken... and I feel it and am being propelled to get back in alignment with my own soul.
It's done. It needs to be done.
Move on. First and foremost... take care of you. You are precious and beloved. God bless you sweet girl.
____
I just said to myself "he failed me"...but the truth is, that I gave him that power. I wanted so much for him to be my guy... we had that magic 3 weeks in the beginning and I have been chasing the dragon ever since. The way he talks to me, the way he yells at me, the way he insults me, the way he sees evil in me, the way he's not safe to share my feelings with, the way he's aloof and hides things from me, the way he'd prefer porn over me, the way he IS.... and I see he's getting better... choosing to work hard, and maybe he'll make something of himself... but maybe not. And I just have to honor the effort and energy and love I put into this, praying that blossoms of goodness will bloom in the spring... that good will come for him in time... and think of it as a gift for his real woman... his real partner. I pray good for him... that he will find peace and joy and contentment and healing and clarity and wisdom and abundance and have a good life. And I want to keep growing... keep going... and I know now more of what I don't want. I don't want a selfish, smoker, swearer, abuser, insulter. I am blessed. God has me. Do what I can with what I have and that's that.
I told him that I had sun poisoning and he ridiculed and made fun of and minimized it. This is what Corie does to Jerry too. People just want to be heard. They have their own experiences and I don't need to apply my judgement to them. Thank you God.
Feel the hurt. Feel all this, Love. This is what it's here for.
I don't want to be friends with him. It just keeps the madness going. I loved him. (Taking off my ring.) I loved him. But no more. I can't keep giving myself away ... that's not how it's supposed to work. Love ME. LOVE YOU. BE WELL sweet girl, I love you ...not enough. I want to do better. It shouldn't be that I have to choose between Ryan and you. But that's how you think it works...but it doesn't. But if you need a break from anyone for now while you learn to do what feels good to you, please do. Find your joy again.
I am so sad because I feel lonely and I felt sad Ryan didn't come. And seeing how beautiful my family is made me want to share it with a loved one and it made me feel sad because the one I love... it's a farce. It's not true. He doesn't talk to me with kindness or compassion or gentleness... he narrows his eyes and looks for ways to put me down. I needed a hug, not admonishment. Stop trying and wishing to get it from him. Let him go. Let him go. You need to let him go so that God can prepare you for someone who you can work with. Ryan is not the guy. He doesn't want to be the guy. So honor that.
[exhale]
I'm going to go move mulch around and cry some more in the arms/limbs of my angel post oak. Thank you God!
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